I'm still not sure why they need to burn off a "Jersey Shore" episode premiere to lead in to the Video Music Awards pre-show, but the good news is I won't have to write up this show on Thursday if I take care of it now. (It should be noted I wrote this Sunday night, and it's now Monday night...oh well. Turns out I get paid the same amount if I'm on time or not, so I can probably sacrifice a couple hundred pageviews.)
CABLE GUIDE SPOILERS:HD, "And the Wall Won", (2011), Mike and Ronnie come to blows over Mike's meddling ways. Later, Mike leaves the house on a stretcher. (Reality).
Click on non-title graphics to enlarge! I promise most of them are worth taking a closer look!
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Ron and Sam are back together! Ron is on the phone with Hannah! Mike talks shit about Ron! Ron confronts Mike! Umm...we left some stuff out. That's OK, we gotta MOVE!
Opening credits - this is season 4, episode 5 of "Jersey Shore" airing 8/28/11 on MTV - it will also air in its regular timeslot Thursday 9/1/11. Tonight's episode is rated TV-DLV, so no sex tonight! Also, this episode is NOT in full HD, but rather in "windowbox." I have no idea why they can't air this show in HD and THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
This is actually the previous segment of LAST episode - Mike denies, then goes nuts, then - in a bit that somehow did NOT make it into last show, rams his head into the wall with such force that he takes HIMSELF down to the ground. Aw, man, what a ripoff of editing. Mike's OUT - from the look in his eyes, the lights are on but nobody is home (and I mean, even more than normal). Jenni stands over him and tries to get some reaction out of Mike but only gets a deer in the headlights/Krispy Kreme eyes glazed over/oh and he's still got spit all over his chin look. Jenni tells us this isn't funny anymore! Meanwhile, just outside the room, Sam and Ron are back to THEIR argument, although Ron's side of it is just repeating what Sam says in a kiddie voice. This goes on just long enough for Mike to stop having cartoon spirals, stars and birds orbit his head, readjust his shirt and get back on his feet - and NOW we're back to last week's episode - he gives the wall high ten (keeping his head far away) and yells "LET'S DO IT" until Ron gets to grappling. Finally, the USUALLY UNSEEN SECURITY (two large black dudes in neutral colour T's and black pants - so as to camoflauge well with the wallpaper) step in to separate them. "I've been waiting for a long time to f*** you up - I've been waiting - I've been waiting, bro!" Technically, Ron didn't fuck him up here. "We did this for no reason - no reason at all." Technically, Ron's making no sense here. Well, Mike's shirt DID get ripped up pretty good. Mike tells US that there wasn't a scratch on his face. I see something red on his neck, but who knows whose blood that really is. "All those muscles - he didn't do (shit) to me." This seems like spin. Although they're now in different rooms, the trash talk continues - Ron asks how the knee to the face felt (the camera must have missed that), Mike yells that he'll take him on any day. Sam continues to try to get Ron to back off, but Ron is still furious at Sam and so amped up that his flapping arms are a blur. Jenni and Deena beg SAM to get away from Ron, and that works about as well as you'd expect. Vinny and Pauly are content to watch from afar - and are probably cracking jokes but we're not getting a lot of time with them. Snooki is mostly stunned into silence. So I think we've covered everybody here. Jenni is SCREAMING at Sam now - "This isn't f****** fun any more!" Sam: "Then stop f****** yelling at me - I f****** get it." Actually, she DOESN'T get it, because all she's doing is riling up Ron even more. Vinny and Pauly are incredibly amused that Sam would still keep talking to Ron. Ron finally blurts out "You're not worth nothing! I've been calling girls since I've been here!" *This* registers with Sam. "You've been calling girls?" "Yeah, every night! You ain't s***, get out of my f****** face! Get out of my face! Thank you! Finally! Finally!" With Sam away, we shift back to Vinny and Pauly for a little post fight commentary. Vin notes that this has been brewing a long time, while Pauly (correctly) says that it wasn't much of a fight from either man. Pauly tells US that although Mike knows the karate and Ron has giant muscles, neither one of them really seems to know how to throw a punch, as approximately zero punches were thrown during this latest scuffle - well, one - by Ron - which didn't appear to land. Pauly thinks Mike tried to commit suicide by ramming into the wall just to escape the Ron/Sammi (bullshit) they are once again having to endure. Snooki checks on Mike (now with, I'm guessing, ice on his head) and tells him he should probably get checked out at the hospital. He doesn't really wanna. Jenni's crying - Deena's crying (and sitting in Pauly's lap - hey whoa) - Jenni calls for an ambulance since Mike "might have a concussion - or something worse." The ambulance (Learn Italian: AMBULANSA) arrives and everyone looks somber. Vinny looks more tired than somber, but an editor will take what they can get. ** NOW PLAYING: Immune - I'd Rather Die (The W at Amazon) ** Jenni: "It's too much." Mike is stabilised and placed on a gurney and taken down to the ambo. Pauly rides along. Jenni doesn't want him to die - well, I don't think anybody wants him to DIE, but that's also probably a bit of an exaggeration to think that that's gonna be happening.
COMING UP: Sam is mad that Jenni's talking to Ron - Ron yells and Jenni gets shrieky!
COMING UP: Mike's at the hospital and Pauly is worried about him!
If the VMAs are the hottest event of the year, why are they giving it a "Jersey Shore" lead-in?
LIVE, Sway (and his inexplicable headgear) stands with Vinny and Deena, who still don't want Mike to die. Wait...they of ALL people should know the show isn't actually happening as it airs
We step back to watch Mike take his stretcher ride again - the security dudes help the EMTs act as pall bearers. Pauly keeps telling Vinny he's there with him, bro. Mike out, now Snooki repeats that this isn't fun anymore. Jenni tries to get a debriefing from Ron, while Sam tells ... somebody that she shouldn't be. Vinny: "Yeah, but YOU should be in there, right?" Damn, Vinny is one sarcastic MFer. Sammi tells us that she's the ONLY person who understands why Ronnie is asking like this and she doesn't think that anything anybody says is going to calm him down. Sammi appears to not grasp the fact that nothing SHE says is going to calm him down, and in fact will accomplish almost the exact opposite effect. Sure enough, there she goes into Ron's room, almost dragging Deena behind her as Deena really wants her to NOT go in there - Ron starts up again "GET THE FUCK OUT!" and Jenni once again begs for Sam to just get the fuck out. "I'm (fucking) begging you, for our house, PLEASE." Now Sammi's crying: "I f***** up tonight - why can't you just accept it?" Sammi FINALLY walks away, but is still yelling the whole time: "Don't (fucking) do this to me, I'm sick of it, I'm sick of you putting me in this position, I didn't do (shit) to you." And I think she called him some nasty name which was the last bleep. "Leave me the (fuck) alone! Leave me the (fuck) alone!" She's saying this while in another room, in bed, covers pulled over her head. Did they take the doors off all these bedrooms when we weren't looking? To us, Ron says he can't believe he let jealousy and animosity build up between himself and Mike to the point where he got THIS angry - so angry he's going to finally put a shirt on! To Jenni: "The kid's in the hospital and s***, that's kind of f***** up." Yes. Jenni understands that this fight was long overdue after everything built up between Mike and Ron. Ron got tired of Mike continually getting away with all the shit talk and he'd finally had it...and lost it. "(Fuck) my life, dude. I did my best." Ron's crying - Jenni puts a head on the shoulder. We pull back to survey the damage in the bedroom.
Out in the courtyard, Vinny provides some exposition to Snooki and Deena - and us! Fighting amongst themselves just isn't worth it, but this wasn't even a fight - Mike knocked HIMSELF out. People get concussions all the time, though. Snooki reveals that she got concussions "all the time" while cheerleading. This is one of those things you need to file away and remember, I think. "You sure you didn't get that when you blacked out drunk and fell?" "Well, that happens, too." And everybody laughs - ah, the laughter feels so GOOD.
To the hospital! The cameras capture Mike's arrival as he's wheeled in, while Pauly tells us nobody should be alone for trials like this so he's gonna be there for him. "Yo, how you doing?" "Good. A little better now that they let me use the bathroom." "No doubt, no doubt. We're here." And...that's it.
Back to the house, and to Ron! "Me and Sam can't be together. It's not healthy in any way." See, he SAYS that...be let's see if he REMEMBERS it...as he walks over to Sam's bed (oh COME ON) and says he owes everybody in the house an apology. He sums up the situation (no pun intended, please shoot me) - she's crying and the bedroom is trashed, he's got a roommate in the hospital. Sammi tells US that this wasn't what she wanted. That's a real relief. She just feels terrible. Ron's gonna leave Sam alone and when she wants to talk, he'll be ready - in the smash room. No, he didn't mean it THAT way - I don't think irony is a concept grasped by ANYBODY on this show, and God love 'em for it.
Ron starts his apology tour with Vinny - he loves him, here's a hug and a kiss. Vinny tells him he doesn't like it when he acts that way - when he drinks he LITERALLY becomes a hothead. He's right! Ron can't stop sweating! "It's (fucking) scary. It's not worth it. So, just, please bro...that's all I ask, you know. Just...we'll work on it together." This conversation doesn't get very far as Sammi walks out and by. Heaven forbid we get some help for Ron before Sam interjects herself into the picture again! To us: "When he's dating Sam, he flips out, turns into another person and then says he's sorry. But that doesn't make it OK; you gotta fix the problem." Again, they love each other, Ron kisses him AGAIN. "You get me, bro." "If you ever need to talk...you know?" Quick shot of Snooki attempting to sleep, Jenni NOT sleeping, and...
OK, Ron and Sam hold their summit in the smush room. Ron talks and Sammi stares at the ceiling. "Obviously, us being together is toxic. So maybe it's just best to...you know? We have our issues. It sucks because I DO love you so much." Oh, for... "...and I do care about you more than I care about myself." Sammi wants him to stop with that but Ron continues: "Can I just talk? I'm sorry for the (shit) that I did say to you tonight." "Whatever, it's all true anyways." Ron admits that he did call a girl while they were in Italy. Sam wants to know who but Ron stops short of actually saying "Hannah" - so Sam must know who that is, or NOT know who that is and Ron doesn't want her to find out now. Sam's not buying the answers of "some random girl," "just some girl" and "just some girl," and who knows WHY Ron would be coy on this point. "Tell me a name." "Some girl that I met." "From where, Long Island?" and I guess Sam's figured it out in HER mind. "Goodbye." Ron wants her to sit and continue (why?) and he's just being honest (honest and evasive) but Sam says he can be as honest as he wants, but she never wants anything ever to do with him again ever in her entire life ever. I bet SHE'S TOTALLY LYING. Sam walks back and tells us she's through with Ron, the bull(shit) and the lies, because it's all bull(shit). Aw, geez - Ron is following her back to her bed and wants to keep talking. RON. To us: "I blew my own cover, um, but you know I'm kinda glad that it came out in a way. I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulder." Sam says she doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to look at him ever again and to get the (fuck) away from him. "I cared enough, get the (fuck) away from me." She means it because she said it multiple times! Ron's finally off and muttering to himself (and us, I guess). "Dude, enough of this s***. No peace of mind. Don't live in this house with f****** tension." Ron tells us the best thing for him is to go home right now. So he starts (loudly) throwing stuff into suitcases. If this isn't a cry for help, we don't know what is!
COMING UP: Sure enough, Jenni heard him packing and is here to offer some advice. Vinny offers psychoanalysis!
LATER: Snooki talks sexy to Jionni! So stick around, we promise it won't be all Ron and Sam tonight!
LIVE, Sway pretty much breaks kayfabe by standing with Sammi and Ronnie - Ronnie says that brothers fight but at the end of the day, they're still brothers. Sway asks if Mike can pack a punch - Ron says he wouldn't know but ask Jenni. Sam pretty much says nothing. The VMAs are tonight!
Here's a new Stacker 2 6 Hour Power energy shot ad! It also features Sammi and Deena and some topless "shot fairies" and....I just, no
There's another season of The Real World! Yippee!
When we come back, Ron is giving the same speech he gave in the previous segment, and throwing the same objects into the same luggage. It's actually VINNY approaching Ron first - what's up, bro? Just sleep it off. Ron is tired of all the games, and he doesn't have peace of mind. Vin says that going through shit like this is how you get peace of mind: "If you go home, you're gonna be (fucking) miserable and depressed." Vin tells US, in case we hadn't figured it out on our own, that Ron is trapped in his own mind, doesn't know who he is, and is trying to flee. But that's not gonna solve his problems. Vin promises a light at the end of the tunnel. "Maybe I just need to wait for a few days." ** NOW PLAYING: Jamestown Story - Ashamed ** Ron walks as we take quick shots of everyone else in bed and listen to this song. Ron has some quality alone time in the courtyard with his thoughts. To us, Ron says Vinny is the Dr. Phil of the house - "he's young, but he definitely gives good advice." And now Vinny is left carrying the burden of being known as...the Dr. Phil of the house. Why would he give up so much? There's a reason he's here. I think he means: why would he give up this awesome trip to Italy and a hundred grand an episode?
Guys, I'm starting to think Brittany's NOT showing up today after all.
Time passes - the phone rings and Vinny answers. "Hello, can I speak to Nooki or Sally-Jenny?" Between Vinny's Italian and the caller's English, somehow we learn that a flower delivery is forthcoming. "It's the last thing I want to hear right now." They negotiate a call for later in the day, and Vinny hangs up on her in mid-sentence.
Ron decides he should probably try to clean up the bedroom and reassemble Mike's bed. He may hate Mike and think he's a sneaky (bleep), but by God he'll have a place to lay his broken skull when he returns! He's not THAT mean!
Pauly is back! He spent the entire time except for "two seconds" (I'm guessing the bit they showed us in the previous segment) in the waiting room, so he's NOT going to be there for him - he's going to try to get some sleep back at the house. I THINK Pauly's wearing a "Dirby" cap here, but I can't seem to Google it without getting derby. They did a CAT scan (Note: in Italy, it's a GATTO scan), they think Mike is fine, they're gonna hold him for another four hours for observation. Pauly is gonna sleep! Maybe Vinny wil sleep now too!
Time has passed and Mike is dropped off back at the house. Vinny buzzes him in. Mike is wearing a HEAD RUSH (headrushbrand.com) hoodie - again, nobody on this show has any sense of irony, so somebody in production must have picked that out for him. Is he OK? "A little head trauma, a little sprain, a little of this, a little of that." To us, Mike says his prognosis was a light concussion (is there such a thing?) and a neck sprain - also, he's wearing one of those whiplash neck collars that are hilariously stereotypical. For the next couple days, he can't GTL - "I'm upset, man." Mike goes straight to bed (no idea if he noticed the bed was back in place or just always assumed it was there because he forgot the previous night, ah ah ah) - Ron comes in and checks on him. Mike: "I didn't mean that s***. You know that, right?" I'm not sure Ron believes him, but he lets it go. Mike says this conflict is "unsettled" and they won't hesistate to fight each other "because nobody got the better of each other in round one." After all, there are 8½ episodes to go and somebody's gotta do SOMETHING on this show before Snooki crashes the car into the policemen! Mike affixes his collar.
COMING UP: Pauly wants to do it! Do it! Oh, can we get another almost fight in before tonight's over?
During this break we get an ad for an "energy sheet," and later, a Plan B pill, because you probably shouldn't have had all that energy earlier
Ron's tired of beating himself up - he's gonna collect his thoughts by...yes, working out at the gym by himself. "I am remorseful today." He's going to stop keeping everything bottled up - he's going to learn to let things roll off his shoulder. I am skeptical. Jenni picks up flowers for herself and Snooki from their boyfriends. Snooki is so happy to see adorable flowers and a small bunny that she's like..."MIIEH!" which sounds better than I can type. Seeing Pauly back, Jenni learns that Mike is back in the house (and it's so funny that she wouldn't bother to check earlier) - Vin relays the info. Jenni needs to pick up laundry and Deena needs to drop off laundry, so now that everything's "back to normal" a trip to the laundromat and a meal are arranged. To us, Vinny: "It's not a GOOD normal, but hey, if it wasn't (fucked) up, it wouldn't be our house, right?" Mike is still sleeping.
Pauly, Vinny, Deena and Jenni are off and the hot topic of discussion is Ron and Sammi. Are they together or not? Nobody remembers much! Jenni proclaims enough enough - well, THAT'LL put an end to it. At the Lavanderia Trattamento Ecologico: Manfredi Massimiliano (promotional consideration paid for by Lavanderia Trattamento Ecologico: Manfredi Massimiliano), they're still talking about it. Pauly says thinking of Ron and Sammi is like throwing up - he can't stand it anymore. While we figure THAT one out, let's head over to ASTOR (astorcafe.com) (promotional consideration paid for by Astor) where, believe it or not, Ron is dining alone, so everybody joins everybody else. Vinny is interested in what Ron might have to say today! Ron gets his apology to Pauly done first thing. Ron says they're done - Pauly wants some confirmation. "That's what she said." Ron points to Jenni to confirm that she probably overheard the whole thing anyway (aha) and Jenni says "yeah but you end up making that funny anyway." Ron says this time it's really happening. Vin comes out and asks "so why would you want to be with this girl anyway?" Ron says he was so happy the past few days - Vin says "all right, for five minutes, and then she proved herself again, and..." Jenni points out that the fact that he flipped out on someone else for her will just put her in a state of mind. Ron says that now that Sam knows he's been calling other girls, she's going to try to use that and get the upper hand. I have no idea what this means, but it can't be good. Jenni really wants him to walk away from the relationship. To us: "I've done it how many times? I'm done, I'm done, I'm done with Sam, I get a breather, I catch myself, and I'm like - I'm not done, I love her. You really can't help who you love." OH
COMING UP: Snooki cares about Mike! But she doesn't love him!
LATER: They're trying to get Ron to rub up on some girl at the club...but won't Sam flip out if Ron brings another girl home?
Sway proclaims this "an incredible episode of Jersey Shore!" and .... oh, Sway, Sway, Sway. Clearly you do not watch this show if you can avoid it, and more power to you for that, but SERIOUSLY. This time he's with Snooki and Jwoww and they look AMAZING. (I'm trying to figure out if it was just botox for Jenni and it's worn off to the point where she looks more like she did before, but we don't get a good angle to check.) There's more insanity to come! And later, the VMAs!
** NOW PLAYING: Marc Robillard - Contagious (soundtrack.mtv.com) (free!) ** On the phone is Snooki's Boyfriend Jionni! Did she get the flowers? Yes, she loved them. They miss each other! He's sexually frustrated! She WAS sexually frustrated until "I had fun in the shower and ... brrrrrp! Bye!" He didn't need to hear that! Also, it looks like Ronnie is snooping on this whole thing, which comes off kinda skeevy. Snooki wants his ...butthole? "That's not necessary, stop." Jionni speaks for a nation! To us, Snooki says that Jionni is a quiet person who wants everyone to be quiet about their emotions, sexuality, "stuff like that," while she is...less quiet. Well, okay, loud. She wants dirty talk because she's fucking horny! "Are you DTF?" "Hey!" "I'm gonna, like, have an orgasm right now." "All right...can we please slow down a little bit with this s***?" To us: Jionni's all (deep voice) "don't say that" but she doesn't want to think, she just wants to be herself. Snooki doesn't want to think...she just wants to be herself. Let THAT one roll around. Anyway, expressions of love are exchanged, and the phone call is over. "He's such a jerk."
A helicopter sweep denotes the passage of time! ** NOW PLAYING: George Byrne - Light Years (soundtrack.mtv.com) (free!) ** And now, for no good reason other than Ron "is being like this," Sammi has gathered up every gift Ron has ever bought her, and placed them all on Ronnie's bed. "Some guy out there will really appreciate me for the person and really love me for who I am, and it's not Ron." I guess Mike is sleeping in there the entire time, so we get a shot of Sam checking on Ron (and offering a plate of food?) - she doesn't like Mike, but she didn't want him to go the hospital, so she does feel bad. She apologises and leaves (with the plate of food, so I guess it was hers). Mike tells us he wasn't really listening to her apology and it was her fault he fought with Ron. "I just went through a wall. I can't hear that (shit)."
Mike has some shades on (to cover up some injuries?) and wanders about the house, apparently forlorn that he isn't being waited on hand and foot. He STILL has the Headrush hoodie on! He tells us that HE has a big heart, and if somebody else in the house was hurt like he was, he'd be constantly checking on them, but nobody was really checking on him that much, so he felt alientated a little bit. Sad Mike sits alone! Sad Mike eats! Sad Mike goes back to bed! Is he crying? Through the magic of editing - maybe!
The laundry crew are finally back at the house and Mike buzzes them in - the first thing Jenni says to Mike is "you have a NECK BRACE on?" To us, she confesses that all she could think was "insurance claim" - haa! I feel that. Mike tells everybody that he headbutted the wall and got a whiplash deal from it. Pauly tells us that you don't wear sunglasses with a neck brace; it's ridiculous - THANK YOU.
Ron reacts to the pile of objects on his bed with a "get the (fuck) out of here" and then starts moving them to the trash can in the kitchen. Snooki wants to know what's going on and who's stuff that is, but Ron's silent. Sammi comes out and reacts - then starts rescuing items from the bin. To us, Sam admits it may have been "a little immature" to do what she did, but what RON'S doing is going too far. Whoa nelly. "And the earrings, did you throw them out too?" He didn't, but he's going to now. Sammi offers to take them but he avoids her - "I don't do this" and threw them in the trashcan for Sam to pick them out. To us: "You shouldn't be throwing that out. Diamond earrings? Get out of here." Well....to be fair, he DIDN'T throw them out until he knew they weren't gonna STAY there. Sammi: "Whatever." I have no idea what we learned from this segment.
COMING UP: Vinny and Ron bond over the post-mortem analysis of the fight
LATER: Pauly is ready to go! He's in the streets of Florence!
LIVE, Sway stands with Pauly D - they talk about Britney Spears or something
Stacker 2 energy shot ad II
Before everybody goes out, Ron and Mike discuss the hardness of the wall. Mike tells us he's the peacemaker of the house and even though they could go off, he still respects the kid. Mike tells Ron the story of a fight he got into a couple of years back with a kid twice Ron's size, and he put his head through a sheetrock wall thinking 'might as well get the pain out of the way now' and the kid was all "holy shit, he's crazy" ... "But I didn't know that (shit) was cement - that (shit) doesn't even have a dent on it." Ron can't stop laughing. To us, Ron: "What? That doesn't even make sense. Like, I don't think I would've put you in the hospital. The wall put you in the hospital." Snooki doesn't understand how they can laugh about it. Mike says he's been trying to stay out of their relationship "like 3000%" - it's funny because he keeps talking as Ron moves from room to room, eventually coming back to the bedroom, clearly not having listened to a word he's had to say, and then answers "Exactly." after Mike says "You know what I mean?"
Looks like we're splitting up by gender tonight. We follow the girls to Tijuana (tijuanaristorante.it) (promotional consideration paid for by Tijuana) where Deena reveals that she does in fact plan on drinking tonight. ** NOW PLAYING: Charlie - I'm a Criminal (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** Snooki loves girls night and hates hanging with the boys! Jenni offers advice: if Mike (or any of the fellas) says any shit, either repeat it then, that night, or let it go and don't bring it up later because it just looks like you're building up ammo for future use. Snooki adds: and definitely DON'T fight about it. This is all fine advice which I'm sure will be immediately forgotten and ignored later. Sammi admits that she feels that she has to work on herself. She didn't want to come to Italy and do this, and her girls are giving her good advice. Sammi and Snooki learn for the first time that Mike can't go out for a week. We look at Mike, who has finally removed his sunglasses.
As for "RVP," it's a trip to TWICE (twiceclub.com) (promotional consideration paid for by Twice) and a...dance with sparklers? ** NOW PLAYING: Monster Paws f/ Mario Bro - Champagne Bike Ride ** Dance montage! We see Ron almost immediately get wasted and sweaty and spend a lot of camera time on - oof, this girl is not attractive to me, but must be to Ron - Pauly is happy to see single Ronnie, although as he gets the look that he's gonna creep, he doesn't want to see him hook up. Make your mind up, Pauly. Ron drinks MOJITOS! (Judgment of Ron made here) Meanwhile, Pauly has found himself a girl with which to engage in suggestive dance moves, causing someone to walk by and repeatedly say "Che cosa?" which, in uncharacteristic style, is not translated for us by the "Jersey Shore" subtitle crew. Pauly doesn't know what it means, but gathers from his facial expression that it isn't kind. "What's up? Let's do it!" The other guy does a quick "across the throat" motion and even WE can gather that even though he's actually only saying "What?" (translate.google.com), he's definitely saying it as a prelude to startin' somethin'. Even though the girl tells him he's just being a douche bag, Pauly decides to do something about it, getting VERY in the guy's face, screaming a high pitched "WHAT'S UP BABY? WHAT'S UP BABY?" and daring him to do something about it. The guy apparently DOES know enough English to remind him that he's in the streets of Florence - they are actually inside and OFF the streets of Florence, but good enough - and we apparently need to stretch this into the final segment because we don't have much else to work with tonight. What a disappointment!
The VMA Preshow is NEXT! It's followed by the Video Music Awards! For those of you under 30, "video music" is...
Here's a brief reprise of the ending of the previous segment. In the meantime, Vinny has inserted himself in front of Pauly. To us, Vinny says that Pauly was "white boy wasted - any other time he wouldn't even have reacted to that." Somebody else says those guys have been trying to start shit all night and not to be mad. Pauly must have cooled off, because he replies: "I'm not mad. I'm too happy to be mad" which is a little more in character for him. Pauly decides that the guy must have been mad because he was dancing with his girlfriend or something. Sure. Well...that sure was a fizzle. Glad we waited through an ad break for that.
A quick ride on the helicopter and we've caught up with the girls who are walking back and probably swearing in Italian since we get no subtitles or closed captioning. Back at the house - Snooki decides it's a good time to tak to Mike. "Are you sad?" She's still mad at Mike for what's happened earlier, but when she saw him out cold on the floor she was concerned about what their last words might have been, so she wants him to know that she loves him AS A FRIEND, be he still (fucked) up. Mike, of course, takes this opportunity to Eurokiss Nicole. "I thought you were dying!" He laughs. "Asshole." Mike tells the story again. To us: "We realised that at the end of the day, we love each other. So...I don't think Nicole and Jionni are meant for each other." Clearly by the way those two sentences DO NOT fit togther, I can't help but feel like there may have been some editing in there. Snooki encourages Mike to wear the neck brace to the club because it will be a chick magnet. Again, with no sense of irony possible to these folks, I have to think she's serious.
Back at the club, and things are progressing nicely. ** NOW PLAYING: Cobra Starship f/ Sabi - You Make Me Feel... ** Vin says they're trying to push Ron on some girls, but you can tell he's scared because of Sammi. If he brings a girl home, she'll flip out. In Ron's defense...I would not want to bring THIS girl home. Well, maybe after a few drinks. Ron is in full "using my shirt to wipe the sweat off my face" mode and she wants to get out of here. Ron tell us he came to a realisation that he doesn't want these "grenades, these things that Vinny and Pauly bring home." Ha!! "The old Ronnie in Miami would have brought a girl back just to get a rise out of Sam." Instead, he leaves the girl behind, and...haggles over the price of roses with a guy selling roses. HE'S ACTUALLY BUYING ROSES FOR SAMMI. This dude....that's it, I'm outta here. "I'm not THAT dumb - I'll give you ten." Somehow, Ron sees this as showing Sam that he's not the asshole anymore; SHE'S the asshole. That probably makes more sense when you're drunk.
Homeward we go! Pauly and Vinny aren't letting Ron get away with this without some ribbing - in fact, Pauly is going to fuck RON tonight. What? Sammi is suddenly concered about what she might do if Ron brings home a girl and decides to hide and not find out. "I don't like feeling like this." "Where's my EX-girlfriend? I'm the (asshole), right? Just so you know. Just so you know." And he presents the bouquet. "That's all I got to say." Sadly, he doesn't do this where any cameras can catch him, but that's reality for ya. Sammi is suitably baffled. "Are those for smebody else?" Ron tells us he just wanted Sammi to know he was going to be happy either way, with or without her, moving on, but...I'm still not really buying this line of reasoning. Sammi comes out as Ron laughs to himself. "Did you bring home another girl?" This appears to be the LAST thing Ron expected her to say and he gets defensive. "I brought home (fucking) MAD girls!" To us, Ron reveals this was a less than optimal reaction. Back to the house where he's walking down the hall. "The biggest piece of s*** ever that comes home with flowers for his ex-girlfriend. I wish I had a piece of s*** like that." Sam tells us she's "more than confused right now." Sam follows him and meets him in the courtyard and asks why he's being so mean right now. She was just trying to thank him (WHAT?)! He says that's a hell of a way to say thank you. THE SHIRT IS OFF! "Every time I try to, like, talk to you--" "So you know what - find somebody better than me. Call me in (fucking) four years when you find somebody better than me." "Oh you're so..." "Yeah, you too." Ron is trying to make a point, I guess, that she can call him the biggest piece of shit in the world, and go fuck off, and he'll STILL buy her flowers...but I'm not sure that the point we are left to conclude from all that is the point he was trying to make. Ron finally asks us "What did I even do? Why did I buy her the roses? Well, I'm takin' 'em back." And so he does! And he throws them into the trash can. "Waste of my (fucking) money and my (fucking) time, bro. (Fuck!)" To us: "You don't deserve me and you don't deserve these roses." Of course, Sam rescues the roses ** NOW PLAYING: Diego Garcia - Roses and Wine ** and places them in...a big pot. Well, it's the closest thing to a vase they have, I guess. Sammi is so confused! She's not the only one! Credits and montage of night vision shots of everyone sleeping - or being awake with their thoughts.
I should note that at no time did we hear that EKG sound effect. (Nor did we see Brittany come over in an hour.)
No time for a sneak peek of next episode OR the closing credits - Sway is LIVE from the black carpet and brings out the first guests, the cast of Jersey Shore! Well...there is one noticeable absence: Mike "The Situation." MAYBE HE'S REALLY DEAD! Sadly, we won't find out until....I dunno, there's a "Jersey Shore: After Hours" on Thursday - maybe we'll learn more then. But I doubt it. This continues on well past my DVR cutting it off. Crap, I'm STILL over six thousand words. I'm CRZ - GOOD NIGHT.
Situation in the Joel Gertner memorial neckbrace was just too, too funny.
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball
I fear he is going to wear this thing a lot longer than a week. And use it to get back at others.
Other than the little pitiful segment where he sat alone and pointed out he'd never leave his roommates like that, I expected more exploitation of his situation.
The Sammi/Ronnie thing. I cracked up when Ron got her roses and the first thing she thinks is they were for someone else. That girl is so delusional.
The Ron/Sammi dynamic is just so uncomfortable and easily the biggest knock against the show. Here are two people that clearly shouldn't be in a relationship with each other or have anything to do with each other --- yet they're forced to live together every 8-9 months as part of this show. I have no doubt that Vinny's "great advice" to Ronnie was mostly along the lines of "don't go home or else you'll cost yourself $100K per episode."
It's even worse since Ron is outright scary as a domestic abuser just waiting to happen, but everyone in the house still takes his side and is willing to be his friend since Sam is just that unlikable.
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." --- Bart Giamatti, on baseball
Our first "Jersey Shore After Hours" premiered tonight. Biggest news coming out was that Julissa Bermudez was out - since I was pretty sure her sole reason for existence on this earth was to host this show, I was a little surprised...then worried that maybe she wasn't alive anymore or anything.
Here's new host Amy Paffrath... ...and here's her hot pants and spray tan.
Also, it's kinda wrong what's up with her cleavage there - or the valiant attempt by the customer/makeup team to give the ILLUSION of cleavage:
Mike is definitely alive, as he was one of the five folks on this episode (absent: Jenni, Snooki, Pauly) - Mike and Ronnie don't seem to be avoiding each other so the fight must not have had any lasting repercussions.
Also, from the star on his scalp it looks like Mike went to David Otunga's NXT hair cutter:
A lot of time was spent talking about Deena's almost lesbian experience that wasn't as well as pulling the double robbery, only to give the girl back to Vinny before anybody went down on anybody else of the same gender. It also sounds like they spoilered us good and revealed that Pauly and Deena didn't get it on, and Deena speculates that Pauly was looking out for their friendship, because if they "did sex" it would surely ruin it. That's what she's choosing to make herself believe, anyway.
No time was spent talking about Ronnie and Sammi (beyond the Mike fight) so that storyline will probably still have some life left in this season, alas.
A few sneaks of episodes to come didn't get too deep past what we were promised at the end of the first episode: Jionni gets mad and walks away, Snooki gets furious at Mike, there's yelling AND objects thrown and/or broken...and of course, Snooki crashes into a cop and get thrown into the pokey for (I'm presuming) DUI.
Thread rated: 8.27
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COMING UP: Sam is mad that Jenni's talking to Ron - Ron yells and Jenni gets shrieky!
COMING UP: Sure enough, Jenni heard him packing and is here to offer some advice. Vinny offers psychoanalysis!
When we come back, Ron is giving the same speech he gave in the previous segment, and throwing the same objects into the same luggage. It's actually VINNY approaching Ron first - what's up, bro? Just sleep it off. Ron is tired of all the games, and he doesn't have peace of mind. Vin says that going through shit like this is how you get peace of mind: "If you go home, you're gonna be (fucking) miserable and depressed." Vin tells US, in case we hadn't figured it out on our own, that Ron is trapped in his own mind, doesn't know who he is, and is trying to flee. But that's not gonna solve his problems. Vin promises a light at the end of the tunnel. "Maybe I just need to wait for a few days." ** NOW PLAYING: 
COMING UP: Pauly wants to do it! Do it! Oh, can we get another almost fight in before tonight's over?
Ron's tired of beating himself up - he's gonna collect his thoughts by...yes, working out at the gym by himself. "I am remorseful today." He's going to stop keeping everything bottled up - he's going to learn to let things roll off his shoulder. I am skeptical. Jenni picks up flowers for herself and Snooki from their boyfriends. Snooki is so happy to see adorable flowers and a small bunny that she's like..."MIIEH!" which sounds better than I can type. Seeing Pauly back, Jenni learns that Mike is back in the house (and it's so funny that she wouldn't bother to check earlier) - Vin relays the info. Jenni needs to pick up laundry and Deena needs to drop off laundry, so now that everything's "back to normal" a trip to the laundromat and a meal are arranged. To us, Vinny: "It's not a GOOD normal, but hey, if it wasn't (fucked) up, it wouldn't be our house, right?" Mike is still sleeping.
Ron says this time it's really happening. Vin comes out and asks "so why would you want to be with this girl anyway?" Ron says he was so happy the past few days - Vin says "all right, for five minutes, and then she proved herself again, and..." Jenni points out that the fact that he flipped out on someone else for her will just put her in a state of mind. Ron says that now that Sam knows he's been calling other girls, she's going to try to use that and get the upper hand. I have no idea what this means, but it can't be good. Jenni really wants him to walk away from the relationship. To us: "I've done it how many times? I'm done, I'm done, I'm done with Sam, I get a breather, I catch myself, and I'm like - I'm not done, I love her. You really can't help who you love." OH
Sway proclaims this "an incredible episode of Jersey Shore!" and .... oh, Sway, Sway, Sway. Clearly you do not watch this show if you can avoid it, and more power to you for that, but SERIOUSLY. This time he's with Snooki and Jwoww and they look AMAZING. (I'm trying to figure out if it was just botox for Jenni and it's worn off to the point where she looks more like she did before, but we don't get a good angle to check.) There's more insanity to come! And later, the VMAs!
COMING UP: Vinny and Ron bond over the post-mortem analysis of the fight
Before everybody goes out, Ron and Mike discuss the hardness of the wall. Mike tells us he's the peacemaker of the house and even though they could go off, he still respects the kid. Mike tells Ron the story of a fight he got into a couple of years back with a kid twice Ron's size, and he put his head through a sheetrock wall thinking 'might as well get the pain out of the way now' and the kid was all "holy shit, he's crazy" ... "But I didn't know that (shit) was cement - that (shit) doesn't even have a dent on it." Ron can't stop laughing. To us, Ron: "What? That doesn't even make sense. Like, I don't think I would've put you in the hospital. The wall put you in the hospital." Snooki doesn't understand how they can laugh about it. 
The guy apparently DOES know enough English to remind him that he's in the streets of Florence - they are actually inside and OFF the streets of Florence, but good enough - and we apparently need to stretch this into the final segment because we don't have much else to work with tonight. What a disappointment!
To us: "You don't deserve me and you don't deserve these roses." Of course, Sam rescues the roses ** NOW PLAYING: 
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