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The W - Movies & TV - Episode 404: "Crime and Punishment"
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I know, I know...we're all waiting for business to be fixin' to pick up, and surely it's gonna happen, but...WHEN?

SPOILER FILLED CABLE GUIDE SEZ: New, HD, "Crime and Punishment", (2011), The guys harass Deena for hooking up with Vinny's girl; Ronnie and Sam are back to their old ways, and this time, Mike gets involved in their drama. (Reality).

One thing's for sure: we're not seeing anybody work THIS week, EITHER.

DISCLAIMER: While this episode originally aired, I was watching Morris Day and The Time performing at the Leinie Lodge Bandshell at the Minnesota State Fair, so that means this week I'm watching the show one less time. Together, we'll see if this is reflected in my show recap.

TV-14-DLSV (ooh, there's a "V" this week!) PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Ron and Sammi started over! Deena kissed everything that moved and it didn't matter which gender they were! Vinny was a jerk! Snooki learned that Mike was talking about hookups behind her back! I think there are some other people on this show!

Opening credits. THIS is episode 4 of season 4 of "Jersey Shore," debuting on MTV 8/25/11 and airing in windowboxed faux-HD - just flash them titties!

(Click on photos to enlarge!)

** NOW PLAYING: Wallpaper. - 2 Pair A Shades (The W at Amazon) ** Everybody's sleeping montage (nice "Totally trashed" mask covering (I believe it was) Deena's eyes! Vinny DID end up with Erica, whilst we pick up with Mike and Brittany dressing and getting out (which is to say, we are guessing that Mike is doing the usual kicking the girl out of the house now that they're done doin' it uh uh doin' it uh). Brittany attempts to collect her twin sister, but she's cozy and unmoving, leaving her to proclaim "Peace out!" Mike reminds us that it was supposed to be a manáge et twin, but his menagerie went awry. It's all good, though - he stil got ONE twin. Mike decides he needs to let Erica know her sister left as well, and is retorted with "I'm an individual, okay?" which should definitely settle ANY argument. (To her credit, this DOES get Mike to ease off, after muttering "F****** crazy people" to nobody.)

Speed up the passage of time through trick photography! It's now the next morning and Vinny is calling Erica a cab. Notice how Vinny lets her stick around before calling her the cab. Vinny's such a sweetie! Back inside, Ron wants some deets. For some reason, BOTH guys are wearing dark sunglasses. Vinny also has no less than THREE watches on. Even *I* used to draw the limit at TWO. Vinny sets the scene. She wants to (bleep) him - and if I wasn't so sure she was still a virgin, I'd say that bleep is for "fuck" - but whatever was GONNA happen, it DIDN'T because Deena came in and pulled up the sheets and took her to HER bed. I suppose I should probably go for transcription here just to make sure I capture the essence of this fine storytelling: "She would hook up with her all night - SHE got off - and then, she sent the girl back to my bed, and then the girl polished me off." Vinny confesses to us that although technically, he and Deena did "tag team" Erica last night, "it's called tag TEAM, not tag ROB. It wasn't a good tag team." Then he affects a very pensive pose.

Ronnie quickly retires to the courtyard to telephone up this story for Snooki and Sammi. Apparently, the girl (I will note that nobody is using her name) and Vinny were well on their way before Deena pulled the robbery - and then "the girl w*** d*** on her." Damn you, MTV, and your riddles! Also, I guess kids under 14 have never heard the term "went down" - which, I dunno...it IS 2011 and all. "Vinny listened to the whole thing." Ronnie gets an extended beep for I know now what - OK, by Sammi's reaction ("you're gonna do sound effects?") I can now guess that he was attempting to imitate the sounds of g**** d*** - or the sounds of a kid slurping spaghetti. The girls react accordingly. Snooki attempts to relay the mental picture she's just conjured.

The fellas break off for a dineout after Vinny makes sure Pauly's shoes are the proper air pressure - "pump up, bro, we gotta go!" They still make THE PUMP? I learned something watching "Jersey Shore" tonight! Don't ruin it for me and tell me they're vintage - by the way, where was PAULY while all this was going down? I thought he was still in that bedroom. Well, maybe we'll learn soon enough as it's time for a little guy talk and, likely, yet one more telling of the strange tale of about last night. Pauly tells it this time, so he must have been an eyewitness to some of it. Before we can REALLY find out, the conversation quickly shifts to how things are going between Mike and Snooki. Mike says they haven't talked yet. Pauly tells us that it's "drama as usual." Mike retells the story of how he and Snooki may or may not have hooked up - Mike's boy Unit was banging Snooki's girl Ryder, and this made Snooki so horny that she had to have it - and by it, we mean The Situation. Mike is sticking to his story, at least. He pinky swears on his sister that this is how it went down. To US, he says (heavily edited/patched together), "sometimes the truth hurts, but I'm going to bring the truth to the people - I'm the people's champ!" Vinny is still skeptical, but Pauly is much louder in proclaming "I LOVE IT THIS TIME OF YEAR!"

Meanwhile (?), the girls hit Caffé Duomo (promotional fee possibly paid for by Caffé Duomo) because before she can talk about it, Snooki really needs a glass of wine. I feel the same way during my own breakfasts in Florence. It sounds like a consensus is being reached and that Mike is going to get the silent treatment from all four ladies. "You know he loves to fight, and I'm not doing that. That's not me." To us, she confesses that she believes Mike is crazy. Also, she loves Jionni. She sure says that a lot (which is to say, they seem intent on never editing that out). Again, the topic of broaching this entire sordid non-affair affari to Jionni is brought up. Jenni (who IS in this episode!) returns to her previous stance that if Jionni is going to believe Mike's story and leave Snooki, then Snooki would definitely be better off without him. To us: "Mike's planning to ruin my relationship. I think that shows what kind of person you are...a (fuckin' shit?) person." "I don't want to eat with any of them." With that out of the way, the girls now move to talking about how the guys are constantly talking shit amongst themselves. Turn off your irony meter as we explore this by way of a re-re-retelling of the events of last night and how lesbianic Deena was in her way of experiencing things thereto. Deena confesses to "making out." Snooki probes further, but can't even get a nipple caress story for her trouble. Deena says she left for Vinny's bed and then hooked up with him. I now suspect they're purposely editing out any mention of her name. "Vinny got your sloppy seconds." Snooki offers a tale of HER lesbianic experience - "it's fun when you're drunk" - and reveals that she's licked a nipple. Once. Even the editors feel it's time to quickly cut away to

** NOW PLAYING: The Dead Ships - You Were Young (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** The women are - oh no - WALKING! We pause to reflect on a horse crapping in the street. Now we're in a hat store and DAMN Jenni loves some giant hats. Actually, so do I. "You guys don't understand Italian fashion!" "How do you see?" Snooki: "Well, I like Jersey fashion." SHE BOUGHT THE HAT! Oh, no, it's a smaller hat. But still big. ANYWAY that was a pretty quick hit as everybody's back to the house now (I guess the guys were home first). Nobody's crossing gender lines to engage in conversation. Vinny: "At least the carpets are extra clean today...you know?" Damn, Vinny's a JERK this season. Maybe he's always been a jerk but he's been so quiet the other seasons that I never noticed. We alternate between shots of the guys yukkin' it up and Deena stewing - I feel a release coming very soon! Pauly: "Lesbionest..." Ronnie cracks up in his inimitable style. Deena finally takes the bait. "About what?" Pauly quickly denies talking about her while Vinny and Ronnie continue to titter. Deena tells us that it's not really fair that the boys are judging her for hooking up with a girl. To them: "Until you know something for a fact, don't talk (shit)." She walks off with a parting shot: "It was a good (fucking) time." Pauly: "Save it for dinner!" Vinny: "This is gonna be the best dinner of my life." I guess there's going to be some dinner conversation to come?

COMING UP: Snooki needs to tell Jionni!

LATER: Ronnie's gonna fuck up Mike! Mike's gonna froth at the mouth!

It's almost like taunting the way they go full HD on the ads for this show, yet can't seem to AIR this show in HD. Argh.

"Jersey Shore" airs Sunday! I hope it's a repeat of this episode because I am old and I NEED seven days between recap attempts! Seriously, though...do the VMAs need a lead-in now? Is that what it's come to? I guess when you don't air any VM, it's a heck of a lot harder to care about a VMA - who'da thunk? By the way...when *I* was 15, I looked JUST like Justin Bieber - only you couldn't tell because I was hidden behind some really square glasses. That's just a little bit about MYSELF. I thought you deserved to know.

Here's our first airing of the Sammi/Deena Stacker 2 energy shot thing whatever ad - since I'm obviously giving it the FUHFUHWID treatment I'm really slacking.

** NOW PLAYING: Immune - In Your Place ** A quick rehash of the last 15 second of the previous segment (which was much, much shorter this week - so we'll probably get a much more average length segment 7 - why am I even worrying about this now - ah, because it's 3am and I'm only 11 minutes into this show - we continue) Men cook! Women use the phone! Snooki consents to having Deena and Sammi nearby for moral support as she phones Snooki's Boyfriend Jionni - "thanks, broads!" She spills the beans about Mike talking shit, telling her version of the story again (which is that Mike wanted sex but she didn't give it up) - we have a long, thoughtful (ha) silence on the other end of the line. The first thing Jionni says is: "If you have something to hide, I'd rather..." and she cuts him off saying of course she does not. "Did you hook up with him?" "No!" She doesn't want him embarrassed, or mad at her. "Tell me you love me and everything's fine." Another pause. "I love you." Awwwww - aw, wait, he didn't say everything's fine yet. And he doesn't. Snooki still gives the OK head nod to the other women in the room, who are satisfied with that and take off. He misses her! She misses him more! He'll be there in just three weeks - I wonder how many episodes that is! "Let's have babies." "Are you out of your mind?" "Yeah - (burp)."

Here's a sunset in fast motion to denote the passage of time! The cooking has progressed nicely and we get a nice look at...a lot of potatoes, I think. Damn, that much starch WILL KILL YOU. Snooki tells us that the women decided that for THIS dinner, they would all dress up as "40 year olds from Yonkers" (I did not attempt to replicate the accent there). This means giant hats and lots of cleavage. Well, okay. Snooki loves to role play! Mike sums it up thusly: "It looked like the Kentucky Derby (fucked) the Easter Bunny." Pauly asks where the lemons are. Snooki says where the melons are. I am confused.

Through the magic of editing, now, nobody's talking to anybody during this nice family Sunday dinner. Pauly tells us that all the crazy shit is making things mad awkward. Mike concurs. Ronnie belches! It's the belching segment. Mike finally breaks the ice a bit by saying that Erica (he said "Erica!") called but he didn't know if she was calling for Vinny or Deena. That ACTUALLY sounds like Mike starting some shit and stirring it up, but that's Mike, and somehow it works. "We heard you were moaning all night." "She wanted to, and then I decided I didn't want to." Deena was a little bi-curious, but she came to a realisation that she liked guys. It was funnier last week when she didn't say "guys." (She said "penis.") In a confessional with Snooki, Deena reveals that she always said if she was going to be bi-curious, it would be with a hot blonde - well, close enough. Deena flips it by asking VINNY how he liked her. Instead of an answer, Mike investigates the "robbery" aspect of the story, then tells us that rob-eena is now a (cock)blocker - "this is a serious offense, and it's gonna be on her record for at least seven years." Mike pontificates to the group that he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with girls kissing each other, "but I do think it's wrong what happened last night." Deena takes offense and asks Mike who he is to judge - after all, he's pulled the robbery on Vinny so many times - crowd goes "ooh" and Pauly calls for a break. Mike says they just hate (cock)blockers, while Deena counters by saying she GAVE her back. Vinny finally gets in with "maybe next time I might really like the girl, so maybe don't lift up the covers--" "Whatever." Again we descend into an uneasy silence. Jenni: "So what else is goin' on?" Pauly: "That's pretty much it." Everybody yuks it up - except Snookie.

** NOW PLAYING: Hogni - Soul Company ** WHOA LOOK HOW FAST THAT MOON IS MOVING! Yes, more time has passed - dinner is over and the guys are cleaning up while the women have converged in the courtyard. Deena is still unhappy that the guys can't let what happened in the past stay in the past. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. "I thought my relationship with the boys was different - it clearly is not." Jenni says she crossed a line by hooking up with the chick and, to them, it was (cock)blocking, so now they're going to behave like that. Deena isn't sure she can handle things now - she feels like she's losing herself. LOSING HERSELF!

Meanwhile, the guys are also still talking about Deena. "She basically did us dirty, period." Pauly can't believe she didn't apologise. "Should we move her bed out?" Vinny quickly lets that seed take hold and blossom and sure enough, they're moving her bed. Pauly says - get this - "all this drama is too much for me" so CLEARLY moving her bed into the living room is the 100% right move to nip *that* in the bud. In the process of being stealthy and fleet, Vinny trips up, making this the best day of Pauly's life. Deed done, Pauly starts talking very loudly, HE burps, while Vinny massages his hurt knee.

Back in come Deena and Snooki. Deena tells us that this killed her - after knowing her a year, how could Pauly change his thoughts about her in only a week? Well, I would speculate that not having slept with any girls in the previous year might have something to do with the sudden change, but I can't be totally sure. It falls on Jenni to take up for her: "Why would you do that? That's just malicious. Honestly." Pauly: "We're only kidding with that - it's just a joke." Vinny: "You're such a (dick), bro." "I don't know, bro - ever since you got that beard, you've changed." Whoa, he RIKERED him! Jenni: "I don't want this girl having a nervous breakdown." Deena ends up in Sammi's bed, proclaiming that she IS a real person, and she IS having an anxiety attack. Sammi helpfully offers: "Breathe." Everybody's sad!

COMING UP: Deena and Pauly fiht!

LATER: Ronnie calls Hannah and Jenni overhears!

** NOW PLAYING: The Outerlys - Somebody (theouterlys.bandcamp.com) ** Again, we start a segment by quickly giving a mini-recap of the PREVIOUS segment. Does MTV believe nobody watches an entire episode start to finish? Or do they just skip a segment here and there and come back when there's a VMAs ad on? Ah, demographics - a mystery to this 18-49er. Or am I a 25-54er? I guess I can be both. But you didn't come for these asides. (Well, YOU did - but you're SPECIAL.) Vinny: "Why'd you do that, bro." "You wanna do the frame too?" "Awright!" At this point, I can't tell if Vinny's two-facing it for the camera, or genuinely conflicted about how things are going with Deena. Deena's still crying and having an anxiety attack - maybe she and Sammi DID find a 6 Hour Energy Shot after all and the caffeine spike is causing all this. Deena wants to go home - aw, geez, not THAT tactic. Jenni makes ANOTHER visit to the boys' bedroom. "If this is a joke, can you please tell her that? This girl is hysterically crying right now." "Whatever." Jenni storms off and Vinny switches gears again: "See, you're making THIS girl walk off now? You're such a (dick), dude." Jenni singlehandedly moves Deena's matress back onto the frame as the debate continues - Jenni thinks they're being way too hard on Deena for being human, Vinny'll (fuck) another girl, everybody will move on; for his side, Vinny says they're only playing a prank on her in retaliation for her previous episode. Jenni takes offense with the timing, while Pauly points out it was a whopping three feet from the door. "You know what - I'm getting her and we're gonna talk this out." EVERYBODY is looking forward to that - most of all, you and me! Deena's not inclined to take part in this discussion at this time, but Jenni insists. To us, Jenni says - whoa, her FACE looks so WEIRD now. Everyone (well, I don't see Mike or Ronnie) assembles in the lads' bedroom. Deena tells Pauly that he's not the same person as he is outside the house. Pauly says the only person that's changed is her - "you were never this emotional before, the reason why I loved you, because you could take our jokes and give them right back to us, that was the best, you would never (cock)block anybody in this whole (fuckin') house, you were the coolest girl, like you were mad cool, YOU (fuckin') changed. You were the biggest team player in the house - not anymore, you changed, it's not me, I never changed since day one. I'll never change. Ever." Pauly says it's because she'd hooked up with a girl, she'd never done that before - not that he has a problem with that, because every girl hooks up with a girl - wait, huh? Deena: "I don't know what's going on." "Exactly, so don't put the (fucking) issues on me! It's not me, it's you!" Man, he's taking this harder than Vinny is - but then, the Deena/Pauly dynamic (or non-dynamic) has been pushed pretty hard the first few episodes of this season. Deena feels very alone in the house, which leads to drinking, which leads to her doing stupid (shit) like last night...Vinny remains stoic (and pitted out). "Instead of fixing it, I just, like...keep drinking." Pauly is unhappy she didn't say anything earlier: "'Yo, I got problems, lay off the jokes' or SOMETHING...'cause sometimes my jokes are harsh." Again, he brings up that she didn't apologise to Vinny. "Well, I apologise, Vin." Did Pauly just wipe away a tear? Pauly insists that they're over it - Vinny interjects to say that he absolutely holds no resentment - and moving the bed was a joke. Deena will try to speak up if she's having any problems and share the burden or whatever. Vinny: "Whatever you do, don't take any advice from Sammi." Sammi LETS THAT GO! I think we've ALL grown up during this segment. "Ohh..kay." "LOVE YOU!" Deena decides she'll sleep in her normal place after all. As she goes to get her stuff, Pauly grabs a loveseat and puts it on top of her bed. Deena takes this with aplomb, and a one finger salute is delivered. HUGGING! The camera flies over a river to denote the passage of time.

COMING UP: They actually ARE going to go to work on this show!

LATER: Ronnie goes nuts! Mike goes NUTSER!

I almost feel bad about fast forwarding through what I'm sure are some very insightful, educational bits about...Shark Night 3D.

Now this Sonic breakfast burrito ad - THAT'S worth playing at speed!

Wake 'em up montage! They have to work at...five? Is that, like, five in the morning? I refuse to believe. Deena finds Pauly's shirt nearby. How'd it get there? "Maybe we did the nasty last night." "Makeup sex?" Actually, I think he threw it at her when he flipped her off, but I'm too behind to go back and check. It's Deena, Snooki and Pauly in our weekly "these guys still have no idea which street is connected to which" skit. There are WAY too many people out and about for it to be 5...unless it's 5 in the evening, which is...well, entirely plausible that these folks sleep until 5PM when you think about how late they stay up talking about their feelings and whatnot. Deena tells us that between she and Nicole, she's got the better knack for directions - even when she's drunk. We cut back to the three continuing to be lost, and getting later and later. Deena DOES find the place, causing Snooki to tell us, "thank God for Deena, or we'd be (fucking) ending up in Rome at this point." Pauly's excited about customer interaction! Everybody gets a white hat - Snooki asks for a pink one, and is denied. "Oh God, I look like a boy, I can't do that." Finally, everyone is ready to come out in their hats. Now somebody else is talking to Snooki, but she doesn't know what the fuck they're saying. A good laugh is had by all. Now to Pauly, who has been tasked with...passing out flyers to hot chicks. As if that wasn't enough, somehow he ends up with a bullhorn. While this goes on, the ladies are behind the counter - I'd say "cooking" but we only really see them frowning. Oh wait, Nicole is washing something. I guess she can't cook.

Back at the house, Ronnie is on the phone with Ronnie's Friend Hannah - yes, she's back! That cipher wrapped in an enigma contained within a riddle and the answer to a thousand Google searches. Ah, Hannah. We've missed you so even if all we've had is a voice and a promise from Ron. Through the magic of editing, we are meant to glean that Jenni has overheard Ronnie telling Hannah how much cooler everything would be if only Hannah were here in Florence. Meanwhile, Sammi is...applying some kinda eye makeup. Jenni tells us that she knows about this girl from Long Island - she doesn't care who Ron is fucking, but she doesn't want any drama to ruin their time here in Florence. I wonder how Roger is doing. Ronnie and Jenni to the courtyard - she wants to talk to him - he is THRILLED about this. She knows he's been talking to Hannah a lot, "seems like there's been many phone calls made." "Uh huh." Ron tells US that Jenni's his friend, but she really should keep her nose out of his relationships. Uh HUH. They're both smoking here. Is Hannah coming here? She doesn't get a clear answer on that one - or it's edited out, who can say.

Back at PIZZA, ** NOW PLAYING: George Byrne - Goldmine (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** Pauly's having a great time and Nicole and Deena...are having less of a great time. Nicole has come to a realisation that - I think she said "Team Meatballs" here - this is going to be a miserable job. This leads to... Deena and Snooki trying to fit themselves into a single garbage bag. Everybody enjoys this except...whoever the dude in charge for this episode is. "It's not joke." Snooki needs wine. So they go look for some wine. Oh, no, it's in a refrigerated cabinet behind the register and that Nazi Marco won't let them near it. (Snooki DID specifically call out Marco as "like a Nazi.") She decides to pay a customer to buy some wine and give it to her out back by the bathroom - this is one diabolical plan of intricate complexity here. They are so delighted to get the wine that they immediately race to the bathroom, leaving their poor mule to chase them with the change - which they let her keep. Priorities, bitches! In the bathroom, Deena and Snooks get their drink on, and fast. How Marco misses the cameras - ah, well, he doesn't - he ends up with a key to the restroom and is ready to break in, while Nicole says this is Deena's period. Deena has clearly mastered Italian: "Perioso." (Google Translate says the Italian word for "period" is periodo.)

COMING UP: Vinny speaks the international language - until she says she doesn't want to screw him

Sammi/Deena Stacker 2 6 Hour Power energy shot ad II

When we come back, after our requisite regurgitation of a few choice clips from the previous segment, Snooki and Deena are brought back out to the kitchen. Eagle eyed Mario snoops around and comes up with a wine bottle. He shows it to both Snooki and Deena and gets two denials about ownership. They'll talk after the shift is over, but for now he dumps the wine down the drain. Snooki can't BELIEVE the serious "alcohol abuse" she has just witnessed "because I could have drank that!" "Well...this job sucks." Deena catches up to Pauly - she feels better about things now. Then a pigeon craps on Pauly. "But that's good luck - but don't get it near me!"

Roughly during the same day (we hope), Ronnie and Jenni are shopping in the streets of Florence! Ronnie's buying presents (sorry, "shit") for Sam, which Jenni finds really sweet, "but I'm concerned that this guy knows what he's doing." The way she says it makes it sound much less ludicrous than how I just typed it. (Sorta.) Ronnie says he did call Hannah on the first night when he was "piss drunk" and "yadda yadda." Jenni tells him she doesn't give a shit either way, but she really doesn't want to get blindsided later. Why she cares this much will remain a mystery for now. They're back to the house! Ronnie presents the presents. She loves everything. Ronnie tells us "I bought Sam stuff for no reason - just to see the smile on her face." Awww. This causes Sam to confess to us that she's head over heels in love with Ron. (This usually is a prelude to them breaking up, but surely they wouldn't have hidden that from us amidst all the clips of Mike wigging out?) At least nobody belches during this bit.

Time has passed - Snooki and Jenni are going to eat out by themselves, so Snooki can avoid Mike some more. (I almost forgot Mike was IN this episode! Also I guess that talk Marco had with Snooki was so exciting that it got totally edited out of this episode.) They end up at a place called B. Gallo (b-gallo.it) (promotional fee paid by B. Gallo) where Jenni amuses Snooki by making endless requests of their waiter. THIS time we actually see some FOOD. Talk turns to Jionni's impending visit - has Snooki made a list of stuff he needs to bring with him? "My clothes and a penis." Snooki really misses having sex! Jenni suggests she get a dildo made. This leads to this confessional from Snooki: "I never knew that you can mold somebody's penis - it's like hell always be with me." Jenni says she'd do that with Roger - "turn him into a vibrator." "Will you show me his?" Jenni ALMOST does a spit take...but with pasta. "I'm just asking."

Meanwhile, Ron and Sam are still together tonight, so why not go out and have a romantic evening alone? THEY end up at a restaurant with a really blurry sign - which probably means a promotional fee WASN'T paid - or WAS paid to get them to blur it out. They're both so happy that the drama doesn't involve them, for once! "Are we gonna get it on tonight?" "Winning." "Ew...please don't do that."

Back to the women! Time for Jenni to spill it about Hannah to Snooki. Should she just let it be? We flash back to "the anonymous letter" and the ensuing catfight. Snooki: "Let it be." OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY LEARNED FROM THEIR PREVIOUS MISTAKES

Back to the lovebirds. Sammi: "I like us like this." ** NOW PLAYING: Anomie Belle - February Sun **

COMING UP: Sparks fly!

LATER: Maybe somebody punches somebody!

Hey, there's Chris Brown! We're all cool with Chris Brown again, right? I mean...he's everywhere once again, so I guess we're over the whole "smacking Rihanna around" thing

6 YAB Night falls - Snooki proclaims of the streets of Florence: "It looks so pretty at night - like, when you're sober and remember it." And now it's time to club! Tonight's club is YAB (yab.it) and we all have lots of fun saying YAB. Dance montage time? ** NOW PLAYING: Phive f/ Mhayin - Go Crazy ** Oh, well, it's "hip hop night" (it probably isn't but that's what I heard) so we look at some dudes dressed like old school B-boys on the floor instead. Vinny proclaims YAB "dope" for the variety and diversity of the girls - Italian, American, younger, older - Vin's on the lookout for opportunities to practice his Italian - ah, yes, Vinny and this ... not terribly attractive (to me) lady are speaking Italian but we get subtitles. She asks him if he's seen the beach, and he says "non lo so" a lot. He may not know what he's saying, but he definitely feels the international language of love is being communicated! She then switches to English to say "Vinny...I don't want to screw you." This takes him aback, and he responds in Italian that he just wants to talk - that may be, but he seems pretty quick about moving on after that.

Ronnie's having a good time - without Sam! Ron tells us that when he's with Sam, it's always about Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam and he's not gonna make THAT mistake again. So we see him bouncing with two drinks in his hand, we see him spray champagne all over (that can't be allowed!) and we cut to Sammi looking...apprehensive. Long time viewers of "Jersey Shore" are ALSO starting to feel some apprehension! Ron says he's "dancing three feet above some fat chick - and Sam gives me a dirty look." ** NOW PLAYING: Designer Drugs - Through The Prism ** Sammi apparently says "F****** A******" and storms off - of course, Ronnie follows. Sammi: "I want to talk to you like a normal person--" and I don't think any of us believe that. Sammi confesses to us that she can't just let something go, she has to "try to fix it at the time" and you get the sense that she KNOWS she shouldn't be doing this when she's had a few drinks - and yet....and yet. So she tells Ron very matter-of-factly that she saw what she saw and it bothered her and she's letting him know. It wasn't the fat girl, it was also the blonde before that. Ronnie tells her she's out of her fucking mind. To us: "Me and Sam talking while we're drunk is like throwing kerosene onto a fire." To her: "I don't know why, like, I give in to this s***. And I've been told by many people that I don't deserve this." "Really?" "Yeah, really." She actually apologises to him (!) but he doesn't seem to be up for accepting one, saying that if she can't trust him, this isn't going to work out. "So how about that." And he's out.

Telling us that Sam got mad over some bullshit, and this was EXACTLY why he left her five months ago - he's actually OUT - out of the club and staggering back to the house. "She don't f****** deserve me."

Back to the club where Mike is macking. Pauly wants to know if they're 21 - Mike scored a girl for Pauly, too - what a guy! "Two girls - two guys - that sounds like a party to me." Pauly's girl: "I'm coming home with you. Is that what you wanted?" That's ALL he wanted! So here are some couples walking out, hand in hand, and back to the place for the thing with the stuff. Meanwhile, Deena and Sammi have each other. Deena can't understand what went wrong with Ron! Pauly gives a quick tour of the house - passing Ron on the phone (with Ronnie's Friend TJ), he quips, "that's what happens when you take steroids..." Ronnie is talking about how he was blinded - wait, this probably deserves transcription: "And I've been blinded - by what, (fucking) vagina? I told you, I don't put (pussy) on a pedestal, I put it on the couch and the floor exactly where (shit) goes, the same place I smash it, and you know, at this point, (fuck) you." ** NOW PLAYING: Heavy Young Heathens - Sha La La La La **
A dramatic musical stab heralds Sammi's arrival back at the house. TJ says maybe this is it; maybe this is what he needed to see. Ronnie: "I'm glad." Dude is SWEATY. Ronnie wraps up the call and heads back to his room - Vinny asks him if he's fighting with Sam after they made up all of five minutes ago - Ronnie says he's not in the mood and almost knocks a painting off the wall while storming off. Sammi, showing wisdom for the ages, follows him in. She wants to talk - he does not! "Get out of my room." Before she checks him, he's gonna check her! She doesn't him to talk to her like she's two, he doesn't want her to tell him to slow his roll. She raspberries him - RASPBERRIES him! So...they're probably not fucking tonight.

Over to Pauly - his girl isn't getting in the bed with him - in fact, she's trying to pull HIM OUT of the bed so...actually, I have no idea what the plan would be for her there. Pauly tells us how maddening it is when a girl won't get with the program. "I don't wanna lay down yet - it's too early." "Ciao." "Ciao!" To us: "It's 4am in the morning, why are they coming back to the house if they don't wanna get it in?" Over to Mike, and Pauly's girl is knocking on the door, telling MIKE'S girl that they gotta go - unless she wants to stay. "No...we're a package deal." The "music slows to nothing" sound effect matches the look on Mike's face and really says it all. But Mike's gonna tell us anyway! "Pauly's girl is a (cock)blocker for sure" - they're off - "but I always got a backup plan for my backup plan" - and we see him call up Brittany and invite her over "for an hour or two?" "Why not." "BAM!"

Mike finds Ron and Sammi in the bedroom and informs them of his plans to hit the smash room. Ron could not care less and says as much. Mike, being Mike, tells both of them that they love each other at the end of the day "so just know that." This is probably the LAST thing he should have said at this delicate moment, but all that happens is Ron proclaims it "bullshit." It looks like Sammi STILL wants to lie down with him at this point, but Ron's not having it - either she's upright or he is. So she opts to lie down, and can she have his blanket? OH MY GOD. "So we're not friends anymore?" "I gotta live with you." "That's it?" "That's what it is. It's what it's gotta be." Somehow this leads to a flashback to episode 2, where Mike is talking shit about how Ron "got five girls coming back to the house" - ah, so Sammi can demonstrate how she didn't let THAT get to her, brushed it off her shoulders, didn't give a fuck what anybody else had to say, and so on and so on. Ronnie asks hey, what, five girls, what? Sam says that Ron can ask anybody else who was at that lunch and they'll all corroborate what Mike said. Ron: "I probably have five girls that would be on their way if I wanted them to." "I know you do" and she takes off. To nobody, Ron says "'Mike said?' This (shit) is (fucking) amazing. Now, I'm going to flip the (fuck) out on this kid. Now, like, I'm about to (fucking) get real (fucking) gully." To us: "At this point, I'm (fucking) done with Mike." To nobody: "He wants to (fucking) play both sides." He's...changing outfits? No, he's just removing his shirt. All right, then. To us, he says he's going to put Mike in his (fucking) place. Back to the action: "Now (shit's) about to go down! I'm gonna (fuck) him up! Wake the (fuck) up! Now you wanna be a bitch? You (fuckin') telling my girlfriend..." notice he says "girlfriend" there "...that I have girls, like, on the way if I want to?" "What the (fuck) are you talking about bro?" Ron starts to upend the loveseat Mike is napping on. "Get the (fuck) up, bro. Now I'm gonna flip the (fuck) out."

Anybody want to take a stab as to what GULLY means? (Is that Italian for something?)

Well, all night we've been building to this and we're down to three minutes left in the show, so this'll either be a short fight, or a heck of a cliffhanger. Astoundingly, we AGAIN start a segment with short bursts of the PREVIOUS segment - to get us primed once again? I dunno. Vinny and Pauly hear the goings on and peek out their door. Mike, as usual, plays dumb and asks "What are you talking about?" a couple dozen times. Shirtless Ronnie is tired of Mike talking shit behind his back, and this fucking bullshit is done. Ronnie brings out Sam to tell Mike what she just told Ron (are you with me so far?) because shit's about to go down. Sam relays the story to Mike, and AGAIN we take the flashback - I feel like we're doing this because Mike's about to deny it - "Remember you said that?" "....no." Oh for the love of Pete...sure enough. While Sam asks Mike if she just made that up, Ronnie is hotfooting it back to the bedroom...removing MIKE'S mattress and throwing it into the living room! "Get the (fuck) out, bro." Jenni tells us that she heard Ron and Sam and figured it was the usual...but then she heard Mike, and figured she'd better interject herself into the proceedings. Meanwhile, Ron is trashing Mike's bed, as he's no longer welcome in his bedroom. Credits are already starting...are we NOT gonna get the spitting and punching this week? Damn! "I don't get involved in your relationship, Ron - please don't be irrational right now, Ron." Ha ha ha. Even Sam is asking him to stop, but Ron cannot be stopped. Mike is now raising his voice - "don't get loud with me, bro." "I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN YOUR (FUCKING) RELATIONSHIP!" Pauly and Vinny are heading out with Deena behind. "I'M NOT (FUCKING) TAKING THIS! I (FUCKING) STAY AWAY ALL THE (FUCKING) TIME!" Ah, THERE'S the froth. Mike is FUCKING NUTSO. "Yeah, you wanna hit me? You wanna hit me? You wanna hit me, tough guy? You wanna (fucking) do it? You wanna throw my (fucking) bed?" And he throws his OWN bed. "You wanna throw my (fucking) bed? Come on! You wanna do this? AHHHHHHHHHH" and he ... punches the wall? "LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT!" So Ron comes at him - if there's a punch, it doesn't land - it becomes more Ron grabbing a waistlock and very, very slowly working the takedown - except the bed frame is in the way so I hope nobody lands badly - meanwhile, everyone else is in varying states of shock - we move into SLOW MOTION - and yes, you WILL have to wait for next week. EXCEPT!

NEXT TIME: "How's your face seem?" Ron's got some scratches but we are spared a look at Mike's face. The "hospital EKG flatline" sound effect is playing - yes, HE KILLED MIKE. Well, there's an ambulance - and there's Mike on a stretcher. Jenni actually says "I don't want that kid to die" and then says to US, "this isn't funny anymore." Pardon me, Jwoww, but I'LL be the judge of that. Then Jenni tries to talk to Ron, but Sammi doesn't like that, and we are promised some hysterical screaming from both of THEM, too. All in all...too bad we aren't watching THAT episode instead of THIS one. Oh well...all in good time.

I bet Brittany shows up and annoys everybody, too!

UNTIL then....I'm still @CRZ. GOOD NIGHT

(edited by CRZ on 1.9.11 2053)


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Since: 2.1.02
From: MN

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#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.00
Channel surfing last night, turns out the Balt/Washington game, the twins replay (ugh), iMPACT! and this were all within five channels of each other on our cable provider, and I actually caught the last 10 minutes, (DAMN YOU, Z~!). Got to see the fight. Worth it.


    Originally posted by CRZ
    Jenni actually says "I don't want that kid to die" and then says to US, "this isn't funny anymore." Pardon me, Jwoww, but I'LL be the judge of that.



Well played. Between this and "RIKERED~!", this is why we keep coming back.

Oh, and how was MDATT? I saw they were playing in the Sunday paper insert two weeks ago and immdeiately sung in my head "OEOEO." How were they?
CRZ
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Since: 9.12.01
From: ミネアポリス

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#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.39
Morris Day and The Time are obviously less great than The Time proper (The W), but still pretty great. We had 3/7th of the original (Morris, Jellybean Johnson and Monte Moir), which is two more people than I expected, but I also expected to see Jerome...not that anybody could do Jerome's part of the act. It was a pretty good 80 minutes and I'll probably check it again tonight even though it promises to be the exact same show.

Reflecting further on this episode - we REALLY didn't get anything that hadn't already been hyped in clips ADVERTISING this episode. I hate it when they pretty much give you the final 30 seconds of a show in an ad for the show, so in retrospect it's probably a good thing I didn't watch this show before I started writing almost 7000 words on it.

I also need to find new ways to bring people to this recap. Anybody know anybody starving for this kind of content? (Also, can you spread the link to this thread around if you know somebody who might appreciate this show, but normally wouldn't be caught dead on a message board?)



CRZ
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Since: 9.12.01
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#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.39
It looks like they ARE burning off a new episode Sunday, repeating it next week in the regular time slot AND following it with (the almost always totally useless) "Jersey Shore After Hours" half hour. So...good thing I'm on "vacation!"



dMp
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Since: 4.1.02
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#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.82
Mike's "challenge" to Ronnie was so hilarious.
He was totally doing the good ole' "if I act insane, he won't fight me" routine.
And Ronnie just closes in for the kill.
I'm sure he won't be as injured as they make it appear, but I'm sure he'll milk it like Bob Orton or Heenan with a neckbrace.
It does make sense, considering he was ripping off both R-Truth and the ROck in this episode.

I can't believe we already got the Ron/Sammi break-up. ARGH!
Please don't let this dominate the entire season -again-.

Can't believe Deena and Snooki went through that much trouble for some wine.
Her reaction about alcohol abuse was hilarious though.










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yeah! you were all right! this was really great!! people should loose a chance to watch for this!
- makaio, Doctor Who...Totally (2006)
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