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The W - Guest Columns - Enjoy the Celebrity Overload of RAW Satire (5/9/05)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 23 hours
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Eric Bischoff started the “Golden Girls Tournament” to determine the number four contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Lita showed everyone what her boobies were made of. Plus, Viscera ate Lillian Garcia who will he eat…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hhhere’s Triple H, and boy he looks pissed. Maybe Nibblins chewed on his Sledgehammer or something. He should get him a lil’ squeaky sledgehammer to chew on. Wait…he’s got a mic. This’ll explain EVERYTHING!

Triple H: Who the hell does a guy have to screw to get a push around here? I mean, I give Stephanie all the loving she could ever need, and how am I repaid? Jobbing to friggin’ Chris Benoit. I mean…BENOIT?! Excuse me? Oh yes, Captain Amazing there is a WAY better choice to main-event this week’s RAW. Man, I don’t know what the hell you people would do without me.

Here’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” Maybe he’s drunk. Arggggh! That white suit with the lights…It’s blinding me!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: We’ll be fine without YOU!
HHH: How’s that?
Batista: This show needs more DAVE!
HHH: But who will you wrestle? Chris Tian? Edge?
Batista: You’re bringing down my title REIGN! Everybody can beat TRIPLE H!
HHH: Maybe I can’t be number one contender now, but surely I can when I win the Intercontinental Title! Who’s the champion again?
Batista: Shelton BENJAMIN!
HHH: Damn. Fine. Uh…I’ll just go home then. I can go get totally wasted, listen to Sarah McLaughlin with my man Nibblins, and you know what I’m going to do then? I’m going to watch TV, Dave, and you know what I’m going to watch?
Batista: Will it be RAW?
HHH: Hell no. Why would I waste my time? I’m gonna watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” and my Golden Girls DVDs, and my main show “Veronica Mars,” baby. Between that and following up on the latest Jennifer Garner baby news, I bet I’d hardly miss wrestling at all.
Batista: Who do you think raped VERONICA?
HHH: Man, how the hell am I supposed to know. Don’t you dare spoil it either. I bet it was Willow though. That would be hot.
Batista: Well don let your door door your face on the DOOR!
HHH: Huh?
Batista: You can LEAVE!
HHH: Oh. Thanks, Dave.

(ads)

Backstage, Ric Flair is trying to talk to Hunter.

Ric Flair: WOO! If you leave I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy!
Triple H: Fine. It hasn’t done me any good lately!
Flair: Who the hell am I going to suck up to if you leave?
HHH: I dunno. Charlie Haas?
Flair: Man, you’re not really giving up to lay around and do nothing all day, are you?
HHH: It works for Nash.
Flair: Yeah, until he got MONSTER TRUCK MADNESS!
HHH: Monster Truck Madness, eh? Hmmm…Maybe you’re right. Go see if you can get me a PPV main event, then I’ll come back.
Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are in the ring. Didn’t they break up?

Muhammed Hassan: So, last week, we broke up.
Khosrow Daivari: He made fun of my magic carpet.
Hassan: But then we realized that we’re much better off as a team.
Daivari: More like, he realized that an Italian guy wasn’t going to get over as an Arab without a guy who can shout in a vaguely Arabic sounding language at his side.
Hassan: So, back by popular demand….
Daivari: And sheer, blinding necessity….
Hassan: It’s the Hassan….
Daivari: And Daivari….
Hassan: Show! Now bring out Daivari’s opponent!
Daivari: What the hell?
Hassan: That’ll learn you for showing me up during MY interview time.

Chris Jericho v. Khosrow Daivari (w/ Muhammed Hassan)

Hassan is only kind of half paying attention to this match. What a catty bitch. Geez. The two combatants kind of fly around at each other like this is Benjamin/Michaels 2, but really, it’s not. That match had much more going for it in the way of mirrored chaps. And I’m pretty sure there is stopping Daivari. Jericho proves as much by convincing him to tap out in about fifteen and a half seconds. Hassan finally decides to attack, and Jericho is laid out after a Camel Clutch. Yes, the way to assert your dominance over the wrestling industry is certainly to…attack Chris Jericho. NOBODY has done that before. Benjamin comes out for the save…because…he…uh…Hates the Camel Clutch? Hachpatooie!

(ads)

Christy Hemme is in the Bischoffice.

Christy Hemme: Am I eligible for the draft?
Eric Bischoff: Oh, I doubt it, Christy. Smackdown already has a crapload of stupid-ass Divas which they don’t use as it is. You keep learning to wrestle though, and you’ll soon be eligible to get fired!
Christy: Oh good. I really like RAW>
Bischoff: $250,000 well spent.
Christy: Really? On what? Was it a Ferrari?
Bischoff: I hope, in the next Diva Search, we get Alexis Laree so she can come in and kill you.
Christy: Alexis is a very pretty name. I think we’ll be fast friends.
Rob Conway: Sylvain and I have a question for you!
Bischoff: Hold on a second. Did you guys ever watch WCW?
Sylvain Grenier: Anything with Scott Norton or Jerry Flynn in it.
Bischoff: You know how the WWE always railed on me for signing just about anything that could move, and several things that couldn’t to huge money deals that never paid dividends and eventually brought about the implosion of WCW?
Conway: Yeah?
Bischoff: I’m just sayin’ is all.
Grenier: I’d like very much for this to be La Resistance night. All La Resistance, all the time. You know? Like Heat…but on Mondays.
Bischoff: You know what? Go nuts. You all…you have a rip roarin’ time. I’m going to go look up Jason Hervey’s number. Maybe he’ll have some good news about a hot reality show we can start.
TV’s Luke Perry: Hello, I’m TV’s Luke Perry. Perhaps you know me?
Bischoff: Uh…sure.
Luke Perry: The Perrymobile broke down outside the arena, and TV’s Luke Perry was wondering if he can borrow somebody’s cellphone.
Bischoff: Would you be interested in starring in a poorly conceived reality show developed by myself, the older brother guy from Wonder Years and that guy what stared in Arli$$.
Luke Perry: It’s like you live inside TV’s Luke Perry’s head! We have much to discuss!

Flair is on the phone.

Ric Flair: Yellow? Hey, Hunter. No, I haven’t had a chance to get you your main event. I’ve been…uh…busy. What am I doing right now? I’m right outside Eric Bischoff’s office, stylin’ WOO and profilin’! Fine. I’m in catering drinking coffee. Yeah, yeah. Fine. Bye. WOO!
Chris Tian: Don’t you think you better get on that?
Flair: Why? We’ve still got a whole show, man. The Nature Boy can take his time!
Tyson Tomko: ….
Flair: You stay out of this!
Tian: You wanna have a match later tonight? We’re bored.
Flair: Sure thing. I don’t have anything else going on.
Tian: Uh….
Flair: Yeah, except for that Triple H thing. But come on. All the time in the world! So who am I fighting?
Tian: Well…I don’t know yet. It’s either me or Tomko, so….
Flair: Take your time! We’ve got ALL NIGHT! WOO!

(ads)

Coming Soon: ECW One Nightstand (available at Pier One, only $19.95). It’s so HARDCORE that you don’t need the Stone Cold Steve Austin Alarm Clock anymore, because this nightstand will just dump a barrel of thumbtacks* on you every hour, on the hour. (*thumbtacks extra)

Sylvain Grenier (w/ Rob Conway) v. Viscera

Man, they were right. La Resistance night RULES! Though I don’t know if this is quite what Grenier had in mind, though. Conway wisely decides that he should probably leave, lest he get eaten later. Grenier looks drunk. I’ll hand it to him that if it were me in there wrestling a guy in a garbage bag, I’d get pretty wasted too. Viscera wins when he humps the will to live out of Grenier. That’s my new favorite finisher! After the match, he eats a fan at ringside, and grabs their nachos. He offers them as a gift to Lillian Garcia.

Viscera: Baby, I’m sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you last week, girl. I’m gonna treat you right. I’m going to take these nachos, my darling, and I’m gonna dump them delicately into your crotch, girl. Then I’m going to take the finest melted cheeses from the finest cheese markets around the globe, and I’m gonna spread my cheese, baby, I’m gonna spread it ALL over your nacho infested groin. Then, girl, I’m gonna get some chili, only the best chili for my girl, and I’m going to spread it. I’m going to spread that chilly, darling, all over the cheesy nachos. Then, oh then, I’m gonna get some sour crème, girl, and if the sour crème I’ve already got has gone bad, I’m gonna go to the store and by the freshest sour crème they’ve got. Oh, baby doll, then I’m gonna cut up some chives and olives….

Kane is backstage with Lita. Oh what terror have they wrought now?

Lita: Hey, honey. How’s things.
Kane: What the hell are you wearing?
Lita: It’s a shirt.
Kane: NOT IN MY HOUSE YOU’RE NOT! Go put on a leather strap like a good girl.
Lita: This isn’t your house. This isn’t even A house…
Kane: As noted poet laureate Elix Skipper once said, “This is my house. I built this house!”
Lita: Well, far be it from me to argue wit…Hey! Elix Skipper wasn’t a poet laureate!
Kane: Damn. Fine. Wear your “shirt”. Oh, man, do you know what today is?!
Lita: May…9th?
Kane: The due date of our child of love!
Lita: You mean the chicken parmesan you were cooking in the Lita Real Doll?
Kane: I miss that chicken breast.
Lita: You are a strange man.
Kane: That’s why you love me! Right?
Lita: Sure thing, big guy.

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Matt Hardy: Oh, come on! He CANNOT believe that line.
Molly Holly: You did. For YEARS even.
Matt: She never called me “strange.” Or big. I was her “special little guy.”
Molly: You sure are special. I’ll give her that.
Rhyno: What did I miss? If I friggin’ missed anything cool, I’m gonna GORE THE FRIGGIN’ TV!
Matt: Not much. There was an ad for an ECW show, that’s about it.
Rhyno: ECW’s back! Oh, FRIGGIN’ YES! I’m the champion! I’m gonna go put on my ring gear! RHYNO IS FRIGGIN’ BACK BABY!\

Rhyno runs off.

Molly: You ARE going to tell him it’s only that one night, right?
Matt: He’ll figure it out. He’s not stupid. Like stupid Kane.
Molly: Because EVERYBODY should be able to see through Lita’s clever schemes.
Matt: Exactly. Only an idiot would hook up with that harlot.
Molly: Mmmhmm.
Matt: Hey! Don’t talk down to VeeeeeOooooonAH!

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Kane (w/ Lita)
In a Golden Globe Semi-Final Match

That’s not very exciting. Even I have a Golden Globe (for Best Parodying of an Action/Sci-Fi Series also one for my part as “The Headless Corpse” on CSI Miami). Benoit comes in Suplexes ablazin’, but Kane isn’t selling any of it. I mean, not in front of his wife, dude. If Woman were out there, you wouldn’t be selling either. The crowd starts a “You Screwed Kevin” chant, but nobody gets it. Wrestling fans today, I’ll tell you. Benoit gets distracted trying to suplex Lita onto her neck to end this mess, and ends up getting choke slammed for his troubles. Kane wins! He’s so happy. Man, he doesn’t even see this swerve coming. Poor Kane.

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Tyson Tomko (w/ Chris Tian)

This, of course, the preferred of the two match options. Tomko being the better worker and all. Tian reminds Tomko, who is uncharacteristically stoic, that even Rico beat Flair. And look where it got him! Tomko brings the OMG WORKRATE~! which Flair counters by begging off and being old. Incidentally, if you stare at Tomko’s back long enough, you see a Pirate Ship. Yar matey! Set sail for Jobber’s Island! Tian and WWE Referee Jack Doan simultaneously lose interest in the match and begin talking about their high scores on Frogger, and before you know it, Tomko’s jobbing to the Figure Four. What the hell? Nobody jobs to the figure four! Tian’s pissed, but really, you don’t send a Heat jobber to do a RAW jobber’s job. Job. Job.

(ads)

Slutcy Keibler is in the ring with Todd Grisham. Uh-oh. CLASH OF THE TITANS!

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Stacy Keibler. And Stacy, I have to ask, are you in this Month’s Stuff Magazine?
Slutcy Keibler: I sure am!
Todd: Gee. How does it feel to be such a vapid whore.
Slutcy: I’m honored to be the cover girl for what I have been assured is the fourth, or possibly fifth, best non-nude men’s magazine in stores everywhere!
Todd: I’m sure you would be. Here’s some pictures. I don’t even find the female form arousing any more. I’ve been numbed by the pain.
Slutcy: Would it help if I took off my skirt? Hold this belt.
Todd: I doubt it, but we’ll find out. You little slut.
Slutcy: Oh look! You have my belt! Now you’re the Stacy champion.

HEY!

Todd: Wow. Now my life is complete. I can die a happy man.

Todd hangs himself with the belt. Here’s…Nova and Maven? Oh man….

Nova: ECDub! ECDub! Right guys? Come on! Give it up for my one success!
Maven: Hi guys. I’m just out here because I heard Stacy was taking off her skirt.
Slutcy: Nah. I was just fooling around with Toddy, here. He’s my new best friend!
Nova: And he’s dead!
Slutcy: I’m not judgemental. Just so long as my Toddy is happy.
Maven: You pick some of the worst boyfriends, girl.

HEY!

Maven: But now that I’m out here, I think you need a little meat on you.
Nova: A little cushion for the pushin’, right, buddy.
Maven: Don’t be gross.
Nova: Sorry.
Maven: Drink this vanilla shake from McDonalds.
Nova: I invented them.

Stacy starts to drink, but STAND BACK The Hurricane and Suga Rosey are coming through! In the powerful battle of Heat v. Heat, the ones with the belts win, and Stacy ditches the shake to pose with Rosey and ‘Cane. I guess Hurricane likes his bitches skinny.

In the Bischoffice….

Eric Bischoff: Flair better hurry the hell up. I’m not standing around in this office all night long. Hell, I should have left by now.
Jonathan Coachman: Nice show you’re booking here. Not!
Bischoff: Thanks for the compliment!
TV’s Luke Perry: Hello. I’m TV’s Luke Perry.
Coach: What the hell are you even doing here?
Luke Perry: I’m a peppy guest star meant to drive up ratings for May sweeps.
Bischoff: What was that?
Luke Perry: The Perrymobile broke down outside, and I’m still waiting to use the phone.
Coach So, what do you think about this ECW show they’re doing.
Bischoff: Shane Douglas is a hack.
Coach: I meant the one the WWE is doing.
Bischoff: I know, but it needed to be said. PPV, eh? I wonder…what could I do to screw ECW one more time. I could sign Mike Awesome! Yeah! That worked like a charm last time.
Coach: Mike Awesome isn’t the champion any more though.
Bischoff: That’s right. I totally forgot. Well then…I’ve got it! I’ll sign RHYNO! HA! Brilliant!
Coach: But you just fired….
Bischoff: How do you like that, Heyman? I’ll hire Rhyno, and force him to tag with random nonsensical tag partners and job on Heat until whatever value he had in this industry is gone and he’s thrown out of the company in a wretched heap!
Coach: Uh….
Bischoff: Bring me Rhyno’s phone number!

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Matt: Hey, Rhyno! They were just talking about you on TV!
Rhyno: Really? What did they have to friggin’ say?
Molly: Bischoff is going to sign you and job you out on Heat so you can’t work the ECW Reunion Show.
Rhyno: AAAAAAAARGH!

Rhyno gores through the wall and runs down the road towards New York.

Jeff:

Rhyno
Is truly
A man beast
Truly to be feared
ECW
Champion
Truly
He is
2Xtreme.

Molly: That one didn’t even have rhyme OR rhythm!

(ads)

Rob Conway v. Shelton Benjamin

Sylvain didn’t even bother to come out. Some partner he turned out to be. Conway tried to use the superior scruffiness factor of his beard to take an early lead, but Shelton doesn’t sell it, because really, there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH! Shelton hits Conway with a Canadian Bulldog for the win. After the match, Hassan and Daivari come out and attack Benjamin with their towel. Chris Jericho, however, does not make the save, because Jericho doesn’t care about stupid Shelton Benjamin.

Edge is backstage. He looks like a hobo in this graphic. Seriously, did Edge become homeless as part of the divorce proceedings? Ouch.

(ads)

Here’s John Cena‘s hot rap video. Gary Coleman! As wrestling rap videos go, this ranks somewhere between Rey Misterio’s and Disqo Inferno’s. Though, to be fair, Cena was at the disadvantage of not having the Disqo Duck on his side. Cena’s album is sure to be the second best selling wrestling album of the year, just behind Songs in the Key of Doan. Though it will score really well in the coveted 12-14 year old wigger set. Kind of like last year’s hot album Randy Orton Mumbles into a Microphone for an Hour was a huge hit with 13 year old girls, a key market. That’s a lot of pressure though on his sophomore release due out next year, Randy Orton Reads Hamlet, but Gets Every Other Word Wrong.

Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve got to know, how are you going to beat The Edge?
Shawn Michaels: Well, Maria, I’ve got to admit to you, it’s gonna be rough. You never know what Bono is going to do on the outside. God knows he might start a protest or something, distracting the referee and causing me to lose the match. Or he could file a protest, and get the world police down here. Oh, and God forbid he calls up the WWF. Man, there’s going to be some crap stirred up when the Panda Patrol shows up.
Maria: But you’re going to win, right?
HBK: So long as this doesn’t turn into a guitar duel, I think I’ll do ok, yeah. Unless, of course, he gets kidnapped and Angelina Jolie is the only one to save him.
Maria: She scares me.
HBK: If I job, though, I guess The Edge was due for some Elevation! Am I right? I’ll be put out and have to wander the streets with no name…right? We’ll have to have a rematch on PPV, some Sunday Bloody Sunday. Right? Under the Joshua Tree? Do you ever get…Vertigo? Is this interview done?
Maria: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
HBK: Good one!
Maria: Yay! What did I say?
HBK: Oh, Maria. She Moves in Mysterious Ways, folks.

(ads)

The Edge (w/ U2) v. Shawn Michaels
In a Gold Record Tournament Match

Poor Edge. His girl is making out with Kane, his wife kicks him out to become a hobo living out of that goddamn suitcase, and now he gets bumped for yet another friggin’ celebrity May Sweeps Cameo. I guess this match will have to go on with or without him. Things are bad for Edge, but their even worse for Poor Shawn Michaels. He comes out, prancing for the Lord, but a stern glance from Bono, behind stupid yellow sunglasses, causes him to trip and fall, and become caught on the entrance ramp! OH NO! Bono made a pact with God against Shawn! What can Shawn do to fight back from this huge deficit? Find out after these….

(ads)

The crowd loves Shawn anyway. Maybe they’re just sick of U2. It’s a Beautiful Day for Shawn, as not only does he not see Chyna right in front of him, but he is able to pull The Edge’s stupid hat over his eyes, and work him over with hot right hands. However, Bono nails a low blow, and Shawn is Stuck in a Moment That He Can’t Get Out of. The Edge hits him with a guitar shot, and picks up the win. I guess, for Shawn Michaels, the Stars Go Blue (ok, that one was Bono and the Corrs, but still, come on)! The Edge wins! The Edge is going to Wrestlemania! Or…uh…RAW next week! Or maybe Edge will! We’ll find out then!

Backstage….

Ric Flair: Eric! Just the man I wanted to see! Listen, about Triple H….
Eric Bischoff: Uhh…Naitch, we’re all out of time.
Flair; Now we’re not! We’ve got ALL NIGHT LONG!
Bischoff: Seriously, man, some crappy sketch comedy show is just WAITING to come on right now.
Flair: Dammit!
TV’s Luke Perry: Hello, I’m TV’s Luke Perry.

Flair nails TV’s Luke Perry with a low blow and kicks him in the face, then struts and drops a knee.

Bischoff: I wish every RAW could end like this!

Next Week: The Cavalcade of Random Celebrities continue when Gwen Stefani punches out Lita. It’ll be Bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!)! Edge takes his revenge by saying that U2 is the crappiest band ever. EVER! And Triple H comes back, only to remember that RAW is at a different arena every week. D’OH!

Later this Week: THE END OF LORD OF THE RINGS!

Pointless Shilling: Check out My Blog (rawsatire.blogspot.com) for more Hocking!:


(edited by Excalibur05 on 10.5.05 0335)


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
PsychoticMidget
Polska kielbasa








Since: 2.12.04
From: Detroit, MI

Since last post: 3031 days
Last activity: 3031 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.58
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Stacy Keibler. And Stacy, I have to ask, are you in this Month’s Stuff Magazine?
    Slutcy Keibler: I sure am!
    Todd: Gee. How does it feel to be such a vapid whore.


Now the Satires always get me chuckling, but this ranks with the handful of bits that have gotten me to laugh HYSTERICALLY. Sheer brilliance right here, and with the Matt/Rhyno/Molly/Jeff stuff.

You've also done the Edge proud.



We're the middle children of history...no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our great war, our defining crucible, is a spiritual war.

komarkaze
Mettwurst








Since: 9.1.03
From: VA

Since last post: 2106 days
Last activity: 2103 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.97
Viscera has been the best new addition to Satire in a long time. I still have a soft spot in my heart for Jeff's emoetry and am glad that has returned in recent weeks. Good show!



Truth takes time
Texas Kelly
Lap cheong








Since: 3.1.02
From: FOREST HILLS CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 11 hours
ICQ:  
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.90
I'd so want a book of Jeff's poetry.

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    HHH: Damn. Fine. Uh…I’ll just go home then. I can go get totally wasted, listen to Sarah McLaughlin with my man Nibblins, and you know what I’m going to do then? I’m going to watch TV, Dave, and you know what I’m going to watch?

You know, I always thought that Nibblins was a female kitten, and that she had HHH pussy-whipped - thus explaining all his wussy behavior. So is my perception out of whack, or should we just call this a slight failure to communicate?

(BTW: I gave you linkage on my blog. Enjoy the one or two extra readers a year you'll get from it.)

(edited by Texas Kelly on 10.5.05 1632)

e-mail me at texas (dot) kelly (at) gmailread a bunch of incoherent nonsense
smark/net attack Advisory System is Elevatedsmark/net attack Advisory System Status is: Elevated
(Downgraded from High; April 4, 2005)
Batista & John Cena represent instant upgrades over their predecessors as world champions. However, there's still a general state of backlash around Cena and a specific state over the way he won (however misguided it may be), and the usual tag/cruiserweight complaints persist. The rematches should be interesting, however...
Stablewars Championship Wrestling Presents: Exodus - A New Journey Begins
Monday, April 25, 2005 - Sydney, Australia
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 23 hours
Last activity: 1 hour
AIM:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
    Originally posted by Texas Kelly
    You know, I always thought that Nibblins was a female kitten, and that she had HHH pussy-whipped - thus explaining all his wussy behavior. So is my perception out of whack, or should we just call this a slight failure to communicate?


I don't know. Have I ever said? I honestly don't remember. I should really come up with a Column Bible for things like that.

The reason I consider Nibblins to be male, is that it adds the aura that Hunter is hanging with his boys (in this case a crazy old man and a kitten), so Nibblins is more of a "best friend" character than a pseudo girlfriend, if that makes any sense (or at least as much sense as a statement like that could). But I suppose it cooooould be a female, and who knows, in a few weeks when I forget again, he probably will be.



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
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