MULDOOMSTONE=(M)DS: Your word isn't worth more than PUKE IN THE DUST! DEAN RASMUSSEN=DR: Trying to get my hands around the neck of the man with the whip. PHIL SCHNEIDER=PAS: Sitting on Blades like Kristi Yamaguchi TOMK=TKG: Woo woo ha haa Grindin
----------------------------- (M)DS: Our fine, fine evening begins with me doing some early Christmas shopping at the local Wal-Mart this Saturday evening, when my awesome cellular blows up (my ringtone is “Nuns Have No Fun” by Mercyful Fate and the assembled Wal-Mart robots are astounded at my coolness) with a call from the one and only DEAN RASMUSSEN saying that he is reds ta’ go. Dean asks if I am leaving directly from Wal-Mart and then gives me his patented useless directions, and tells me to call him when I get lost. He is managing expectations. I ignore him like Supertramp and take the way to his home. I’m amped because he may be the first non-family passenger in my new SUV (purchased to support the war effort), which I’ve gone an rigged up with the Sirius satellite radio. The conversation turns to Laibach and gas prices and other nonsense, until Dean suggests we have time to grab a six-pack of beer. I recount my experience last week of taking My First Breathalyzer (TM Fisher-Price) on the way home from the Super Furry Animals/Caribou show in Norfolk. I blow low at .04, perhaps saved by theory that exhaling lightly through my mouth and nose at the same is the way to beat the system. Anyway, Dean thinks I am hesitant to drink Iron City Beer in a community center parking lot before an NWA-VA wrestling show, and he is right … but only because I didn’t mention I had spiked my Cherry Coke with Jaegermeister earlier in the evening. We drink and talk of Roxy Music, Carcass and “Fresh Air with Terry Gross.”
DR: I would have FIRST told the cop to suck my dick for trying to give me shit about blowing .04. Then I would have said, "Hey, motherfuckah, can a man get a fuckin' headbuster of Mickey's Ice in this hellhole of a town." Then I would have found the cops boyfriend and fucked him RIGHT IN THE ASS. We reach the community center and drink like men. And listen to XM radio like men. And then go inside and pee- standing up- like men.
TKG: I stumble over to Phil’s to get ready for the show. Joke about the drunk girl from the night before who told me I reminded her of Pharrell. "I’m a short paunchy Semite with a wavy Bob’s Big Boy style haircut; do you know no white celebrities??? Pharrell was as close as you could get?" Phil just got off the phone with Lee’s wife. Apparently Lee went to a comic book convention yesterday and was going on this indy wrestling road trip today. So we joke about whether he’s going to see a Guided by Voices or Wilco show tomorrow to make the full trifecta. We have no imagination as turns out his band is opening at Galaxy Hut on Monday. Lee comes by and we’re off. Lee tells us we’ll be able to make great time as long as we don’t get stuck in traffic and of course we get stuck in traffic. Eventually make it to Richmond where we are greeted by the welcome to Richmond sign that lists all the great Richmond tourist destinations. Favorite being the Richmond Holocaust Museum which results in endless jokes. I mean I’ve been to South Carolina and thought it was a little excessive when the museum was named the "Museum of the War of Northern Agression" but I can accept that….but Holocaust….c’mon.
MATCH #1: ICE vs. MAXX DYNAMITE
(M)DS: This is my first experience with Ice, but I’ve watched enough episodes of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” to know that you don’t want to mess with that stuff. I have seen Maxx Dynamite wrestle live at least a dozen times now and I swear to you I could not pick him out of the line-up. Slow moving, but not awful, and I give Ice credit for being skilled at yelling heelish things at the crowd and the ref. At this early stage in his career, he is more concerned with that aspect of his performance than wiring the 720-Frogsault-Splash, and I salute him. I believe Tom, Phil and Lee showed up during this match. I make with some good-natured, yet ill-advised ribbing of Mr. Schnieder. He responds by tagging my arm with a quick jab (in my youth, this was known as “frogging” someone’s arm, or even “dangling,” for the dead-limb feeling that results). It was a shot he could make in his sleep, and it hurts. I realize I should not engage in any behavior that will result in Phil Schneider punching me anytime in the future.
DR: The joke was- "Is that Schneider or is that Satan Pro?" and we laugh and laugh! If Satan Pro wants to work and miss these things, he has to expect that we are busting on him behind his back. Schneider and Tom and Lee YOUR DADDY Benaka make with the evil Northerness that all NWA-VA experiences need. I'll let Tom tell his own egg nog story. Jesus fucking Christ was that disturbing.
PAS: I didn't see the match as I was getting some food, Cheeseburger, chips and grape soda. I didn't really want a grape soda, but the kid assumed it. You know you are in the ghetto when grape soda is the default.
TKG: We caught the end of this I remember Dynamite looking bigger than I remembered and having Ken Patera’s hair and looking like he had fine execution but not much else. I think I was distracted as this was the first time I had seen Dean’s tent revival hair cut. He kept on commenting on the wrestling and all I could make out was something about crucifying mankind on a cross of gold.
MATCH #2: PHAROAH vs. ROCK D.
(M)DS: “Rock D.”? I thought his name was “Real Deal”? Whatever. My memory of this is erased completely, except for the final, post-match F-5 outer-ring release. That was one nasty looking spot. It was really even a spot. It was a blotch. I recoiled in horror, nearly jumping into J.T.’s lap, Lenny & Squiggie-style.
DR: Real Deal is fucking awesome. I note that he HAD to have been in a Tidewater metal band in the mid 90s. I guess the second incarnation of Abominog. MDS is coy as to if he actually toured Canada with Real Deal as the second replacement rhythm guitarist in INCARNIS. Real Deal breaks both of his knees for no real reason and Pharoah gets all experimental with unprotected suplexes and we debate Real Deal's definition of a career if he continues to bump as insanely as he does.
PAS: Pharoah is fucking great, as he gets some giant heat and then beats the Oxy out of Rock D. The F5 to the floor was nasty, but Rock D doing a springboard knee drop to nothing was nastier. That will kill you faster then incorrectly mixing the red phosphorous and the benzene.
TKG: Rock D had REAL DEAL written across his tights and hit a shitty shitty 619. Then tried to redeem himself by doing a missed springboard DOUBLE kneedrop to the ring. Yeah that’s right springboard into dropping both knees straight onto the canvas. Real Deal’s first in ring nasty headbump for F5 was marginally scarier than when he took the same bump to the floor as it looked like he kind of semi-controlled the bump to the floor.
MATCH #3: SIN-D & LOGAN KNIGHT vs. KILEY McLEAN & DRAGAN FROST
(M)DS: Logan Knight couldn’t look anymore like Kenny Loggins if Jim Messina came to the ring with him, dressed up like The Grand Wizard. Sin-D couldn’t look anymore like my dream girl if she has her baby on her hip, while bent over looking through the seat-cracks of her ’79 Prelude for Marlboro money. Kiley McLean & Dragan Frost are a combination I juuuuuuust may have had my fill of. But I did enjoy Dragan Frost in this match quite a bit, whereas I’m normally non-plussed. Others had some … questionable punches.
TKG: I liked Mclean in her match with Lorelie Lee Lie in Orange. And enjoyed Logan Knight in his tag match against Revelations on the same card. But really this was a mess. Sinn Dee was constantly complaining and distracting the ref when her partner was in control which made no sense. The Elements of Destructions’ manager looked to legitimately have his feelings hurt when the rec center kids mocked his discount Wal Mart shoes. Knight seemed off for a lot. Frost apparently dislikes the peanut gallery as much as Phil as he does a bunch of one count falls in this match which leaves them totally confused as what to chant. Apparently there is no clever way to yell “ONE!!!” But the highlight of the match was Dragon Frost’s sell of a low blow. Dragon Frost is a guy who has a lot of neat ways to hit his opponent low in a match. And here there was a revenge spot where he got hit where he loves. Black Warrior has one of the greatest topes in the world but one of the coolest things ever is watching Black Warrior eat a tope as he just gets back on his heels and flies backwards as though to say “this is how I wish people would eat/sell my offense”. Dragon Frost eats a low blow and just does an amazing job selling it as he goes through at least 6 stages of post testicle collision pain. The initial shock, the questioning, the pain, the loss of wind, the attempt to regain your wind, etc.. It was great.
DR: SINN-DEEE was sooo the hottest waitress at Daddy Rabbits Gentlemen's Club who would get trained to wrestle. I await her first suplex so it can be dubbed the Tits And Grits Driver '91. I dug Kylie beating on Logan Knight. I didn't dig Logan Knight smacking Kylie. It's the SOUTH, motherfucker- we spank women or we kiss them forcibly. We don't hit women. In the wrestling ring.
PAS: SINN-DEE is a little skinny for me, I apparently can be mistaken for Satan Pro, I need a girl with some more meat on the bones. This match wasn't much.
MATCH #4: GRAIL vs. MIKE VAUGHN
(M)DS: Phil comments that Mike Vaughn is actually what a pro wrestler is supposed to look like. He’s a wrestler that will never die early from steroid abuse. Die early from 2 packs a day, maybe. But not steroids. I agree completely, and yet, I recommend steroids for our friend Grail. I am massive. I contain multitudes. Vaughn does have a tricky toughness about him – maybe he doesn’t look like much at first, but then you see him go, and you realize he’s pretty much a bad motherfucker. Sort of like Jake Roberts maybe? Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, this was my match of the night. These guys must train together or something, because they are really, really smooth transitions to really, really complicated wrestling. Pretty great stuff. The ref counted six in the first fall, and totally muffed the final fall. I’d wager he fucked up the second fall, too. Aside from that, great match!
DR: Mike Vaughn whipping out the carney British pressure holds were fucking awesome. Both guys transitions into submissions were fucking flawless. The ref sucked in this. Vaughn punching Grail in the face was fucking balls out too.
TKG: The first fall was great and the way the three falls worked together was really tight. First fall long establishing fall really felt like a first fall, second fall with Vaughn fighting back going after Greil’s arm really felt like a second fall and third fall had a really nice both guys going for the win third fall feel. This wasn’t just three matches strung together or one match broken up awkwardly into three falls….this was a three falls match. Greil just goes at Vaughn’s back in the first fall including some nice headbutts to the back and Vaughn sells the fuck out of his back for the entire match. Mike Vaughn rules as does Greil. I mean I wasn’t actually doing the driving but this was worth the two hour drive.
PAS: These guys were exchanging nasty punches. Grail broke out the PQ style "look at the jaw" punch in the corner. The mat stuff was awesome, it really looked like a struggle rather then TNA style experimental dance. Both guys did a spectacular job selling the various body parts. Vaughn really needs to get pushed to the top of this promotion, as I think he is almost as good as Wayne, Blaze and PQ. If Mike Booth has actually pulled a Condrey, they should stick him in the OSE. This should definitely make the Action Zone as it was good enough to save a show where the whole card no-shows.
TKG:We go for intermission as they introduce Big and Smallz new manager. Dean jokes that Big Tony has lost enough weight that he looks like slim post ECW Blue Meanie just without the porn star girlfriend….and Rick O’Brian then introduces Ms. St Claire and lots of jokes are told. Traditionally in most old school feds, during intermissions the faces work merchandise tables and heels don’t. Here Brandon Day worked merchandise table…and you can see why you don’t do that traditionally as he was a heat magnet. The entire intermission he made the Krotch hold up a poster and 6D6 jawed with the kids about how great Brandon Day was. The little 5 year old girl who came up with the “Brandon Gay” line that sent 6D6 off was precious. I don’t know if they sold any merchandise but the heat they built for their match was fucking great as the kids were just stoked to get on Revelations.
MATCH #5: TOMMIE SMALLS vs. ALEXX SAGE
(M)DS: My suspension of disbelief was not strong enough to really take this match. I believe I ate a hot dog and watched some of Miami vs. Georgia Tech on the big screen TV they have in the community center. If they can have a big screen TV in a community center, why can’t I have one in my home? I was enamored by Smalls “manager,” she of the Accounts Receivable grey blazer. I believe she shoplifted two large cantaloupes pre-show.
DR: This match made the main event even more comically fucked up. When Tommy Smalls' guidance counselor finally turns heel and starts dressing like Mrs Carlson going to the Hellfire Club, this will all pay off in spades. There were gigantic sections of this match truly sucked it.
PAS: Face v. face is the worst use of a tiny over guy like Tommie Smalls. I have no idea what they are doing with Alexandra whoever. Sage had a couple of parts where he was really pasting Smalls, but this was a mess.
TKG: Alexx Sage was wearing orange creamsicle trunks that made me thirsty and left to get an orange soda. Both guys looked fine here but I also don’t get doing this type of face vs face match. Looking forward to seeing Greil vs. Smallz.
MATCH #6: “PLAYBOY” PETE JANNINGS vs. BIG TONY
(M)DS: Nothing says “smoke break” to me quite like “Playboy” Pete Jannings vs. Big Tony.
DR: I dug the new gay gimmick. Especially Calloway with the Right Said Fred shirt. Big Tony has lost about 500 pounds so he is hovering around the Slighty Huskey Tony designation.
TKG:Hey when the Dutch hacked our boards for some reason one of the few things able to recover was the part of the NWA VA Orange show write up about Pete Jannings…”Maxx Dynamite vs. Playboy Pete Jannings … And this is face vs. face with them working a low end veteran vs. young guy coming up thing. Pete Jannings is really useless as face tag worker as he isn’t good as face in peril and is lacking the fire of a hot tag guy cleaning house. That said this is the most I’ve enjoyed Pete Jannings in what I’ve seen of him. Singles match meant he didn’t have to eat offense for long period or show fire. Instead he just worked a basic undercard singles match and he was totally unobjectionable.” This wasn’t as good as that match but really Jannings needs to be kept out of tags. I did like his heel shtick here as his point to his head and prancing was very very Chris Elliot as Fancy Lad-ish. I'd rather see Rex Sterling in his role.
PAS: According to administration sources, Calloway and Jannings are not actually work a gay gimmick. Which is shocking, Calloway couldn't look gayer if he blew Jannings in the middle of the ring. Jannings is awful as a face, but he actually was kind of fun as a douchebag heel. He still can't wrestle, but you do want to see him get his ass kicked.
MATCH #7: REVELATION (BRANDON DAY, 6D6 & KROTCH) vs. SCOTTY BLAZE & CHRIS DRAMEN
(M)DS: There were all sorts of pre-match, on-mic shenanigans before this match. I really think mic work at most every show should be limited to introducing the participants, announcing the results, and maybe – maybe – the occasional time announcements. All of these ridiculous attempts at building … I was tempted to say “heat,” but the result is really always the exact opposite, so I don’t really know what to say. Consider that most the audience can’t understand a single word over that five-and-dime PA system, too. And most people don’t care about what happened in Glad Tidings, Virginia, or whatever other made-up Virginia town Rick O’Brien would mention in connection to every match. I swear Rick said something about running a show in Virginia that is 12 hours away from Richmond. I have looked at a map of my fair Commonwealth from every conceivable angle and I cannot come up with a single way that it is possible to drive 12 hours and still be in Virginia. Buffalo, NY? Yes. Jacksonville, FL? Yes. Virginia? No. Anyway, I believe they were trying to explain away the absence of … pretty much every wrestler we were there to see. At least Scotty Blaze was there. I know someone mentioned that Mike Booth was never announced as being on the card, but he was on the poster. I stared at the poster for awhile while on one of my 10,000 smoke breaks, and it really had absolutely no relation to the card I actually saw. It was very confusing. I’m beginning to think Rick just calls Kinko’s and orders “150 wrestling posters, 11X17 on goldenrod, please.” Like he gives a date, time and location and they randomly generate a card. Oh, but the match … was pretty good. I think it got sort of confused in some places. This was my first experience seeing Brandon Day’s Krotch, and it was not a pleasant one. I guess that means he’s doing a good job with the gimmick, because he disturbed me on many levels. They should stop making this “Revelation” gimmick so comical, like they’re Lucifer’s Hammer by way of Curly Joe DeRita. Commit to that shit and be scary legions of the dark lord. Brandon Day comes close to this. 6D6 could, if he would drop the clownish raver pants and do-rag. He’s pretty tough seeming under the get-up, almost like a Tank Abbot type thing. I know that sounds like damning with faint praise, but I mean it. He throws a good punch and takes a beating well, too. Scotty Blaze punched the shit out of him.
DR: Blaze is a fucking wrestling motherfucker. The way he sold the legit concussion to set up the ending was fucking old school as red striped tube socks. And the way he leaned into the final big boot by Day was fucking GNARLEY. Blaze is the best face in wrestling and is fucking solid gold on the apron- because you know he brings the assbeat and it makes the hot tag even more meaningful- in that, it isn't going to be dropkicks, it's going to be an ass beating when he gets in. 6D6 in a singles match with Blaze would be a good match. Actually, 6D6 versus Bad News Johnson would be the local Johnson/Corey Edsel approximation that we've all been clamoring for. Next time the entire OSE can't make it, Johnson and Blaze versus the Day stable would be quite the best second best thing.
PAS: Revelations spent the intermission at the gimmick table berating all the little kids, so this had a ton of heat. I am really digging the entirety of Revelations as 6D6 was especially great. Chris Dramin is stinky, tubby and overpushed, but Blaze can carry a match even hanging on the apron with a concussion. This wasn't your high end Blaze singles match, but Blaze working a Dusty teaming with the worlds dullest most Armenian looking Boogie Woogie Man against Paul Jones army. Blaze is really great coasting on his charisma. I would rather see this, then have Blaze v. PQ be a letdown because of the concussion. I hope Scotty heals up and they run Blaze v. PQ within driving distance.
TKG: This was amazingly great. All the heat from intermission. Everyone in Revelations plays there roles really really well. And I really wished Raven Mack was there as I would have liked to see him fantasy book 6D6/ Eddie Kingston as the Indy North South Connection 2K5. 6D6 bumps and plays to the crowd and wrestles tough. He takes all his bumps in front of the kids who he jack jawed with during intermission. The Krotch is suitably creepy and for the most part used really well with Day sending in his Krotch when his opponent is already down "now I'm going to put my Krotch on you"…Plus the gimmick turns all of us into giggly 11 year olds as we have a million “look out for the filthy Krotch”…”he’s stretching the Krotch”, “The Krotch is on fire” jokes. And Day is really good. Hot hot match with everything coming together perfectly…only complaint would be I don’t know if the Krotch should be reversing hammerlocks…Don't get me wrong I'm not Bobby Knight...I’m not saying he should just lie there and get plowed but he shouldn’t be reversing hammerlocks from the former champ.
MATCH #8: CHRIS ESCOBAR & ALEXX SAGE vs. UNOD
(M)DS: Everyone can elaborate which facet of the booking they found more confounding: bringing out the guy who was defeated clean by the 5’3”, 105 guy two matches prior as the surprise “threat” mystery partner, or running the exact same finish twice in one night. Whatever. This was fun enough for awhile, but somehow fell apart completely by the end. I’ve watched enough wrestling to understand the idea of the “hot tag” in structuring a tag-team match, but really … there are other frameworks you can use as well.
DR: Fuck the bullshit. Johnson beating the living dogshit out of Alex Sage was motherfucking awesome. Johnson is awesome.
PAS: That was fun, but Escobar blew everything he tried, and I think blew some things he was just thinking about trying. Lee asked if his gimmick was guy who blew dives. I was liking UNOD, but Drake Tungston's swedish accent is really hard to understand, it was like listening to a Dag Hammarskjold speech. I don't think turning Bad News heel was a good idea, this is a promotion with a thousand great heels already, and Scotty Blaze being the lone great babyface.
TKG: You really shouldn’t be running two tag matches in a row like this. This was fine when built around Sage but still hard to get crowd into after the emotional ride of previous match. And well like Phil said NWA Va is fed with great heel stables EOD, OSE, Sons Of Ra, etc. In terms of top level faces they’ve got Scotty Blaze and who? They seem to turn Vaugn back and forth between face and heel every show I liked Phil Brown alot on the Ward Family Show...but don't think he works NWA Va anymore....Well there's Sean Lei...So it's Scotty Blaze and Sean Lei and really that’s it. I understand that Rick O’Brien hates the concept of socialized medicine but still no reason to have UNOD work heel when at least Johnson is really good as face and I assume Tungston could pull it off as well.
(M)DS: There are often some just plain ol' embarrasing elements to an NWA-VA show - as with any indy wrestling show, I'm sure - and this one was no exception. But by and large, it's not because of the guys in the ring. This show was no exception. Still, I had fun.
DR: It was good considering who wasn't there. I dunno. It didn't feel like NWA-VA without OSE. Johnson in a stiff singles match with 6d6 or Brandon Day would have been better than the main event. I was happy. I can't imagine the guys who drove 2 hours to get there being very happy.
PAS: Ehh, The Scotty Blaze tag match and Vaughn v. Grail were good enough to make the drive worthwhile. Plus I always like hanging with the guys I hung with.
TKG: Yeah we apologize to Lee as this was his first NWA Va show and we had psyched him up for the Quinn vs. Blayze match for the whole ride up...but still we all dug the Revelations tag and Greil vs. Vaughn and whatnot. Fun time had.
THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYAZ.
(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 22.11.05 1009) YES, I AM DEAN.
"This year’s Diva Search, unlike in the past, will be held on both RAW and SmackDown." At first i thought this made the news even worse, but i'm also sort of looking forward to some divas in DEAN's SD! comix.