was driving to the Powhatan Community Center on the cusp of the dicier side of Richmond and I was going down Broad Street until it became Government Road and THEN! the road was closed. It seems that hurricane Gaston had caused a huge chunk of Government Road to collapse and they haven't fixed it yet. As anyone who got drunk, smoked weed and then tried to go to DrunklForce America with me n MulDOOMSTONE will tell ya, I get a little disoriented in the Eastend when you take away a key element of my navigation. At WrestleForce- it was complete loss of motorskills and reasoning ability from 57 beers and a metric tonne of weed and THEN I was requested to give directions. Added Driving was assured! This night, it would be trying to get through Fulton Hill without using Government Road. I figured there had to be a way if I just drove around Eastside and kept trying to bull through. Then it kinda dawned on me why you take Broad Street. Anyhoos, it was an hour of driving through the scariest neighborhoods in the former Murder Capital Of The South and I'm glad because it made me happier that I moved to the County. Anyhoos, I show up late and get up with mulDOOMSTONE. He is on an Airline Bottles of Whiskey binge these days and he is bloated and red like a captain of industry. All he needs is a country club membership and a mistress and he is set for middle age. I envy him. He is glad to see me. He says, "I guess watching Steamboat versus Flair would be cool if you're all alone. But..." and he motions with both hands to the indie wrestling undercard and I dig what he means. Nothing makes you feel creepier than watching indie wrestling alone. It can reach Triangle Adult Bookstore Visitation levels of creepy, so I can dig what a sight for sore eyes I was. He says he has had a cheeseburger and I curse the shitty Wendy's combo meal I wasted money on. (At intermission, I buy a hot dog and Preston Quinn is talking to Dave Layne and says to me, "you're gonna needs these" and keeps handing HIV and Syphyllis prevention pamphlets from the community center public outreach rack. I try to tell them that it's fine because I'm just eating the hot dogs, but for some reason, noone buys it.)
I walked in on Mama's Boy Danny Richards and Jon Jon the Phenomenon having a perfectly fine wrestling match. I ask mulDOOMSTONE what I missed and he says I missed Grail and VINDIKATORR Mike "Lynn" Vaugh in a submission match so I'm already fucking pissed. Grail rules and Mike Vaughn is one of those guys who can make ANY match better so I was excited about seeing them in together. Hopefully, they will have a Rob Royal/ChiChi Martinez 56 matches over 9 years feud and I can see it a few times. Jon Jon is fun for the kids- as he uses fruity embellishments on his knee drops and is all limber and agile. He does neat matwork at times and should be good in the near future. Danny Richards is getting Legit Heat From The Several Dozen Children by yelling "I am NOT.... a MAMA'S BOY!" and it makes up for the FOUR inches of daylight he shows dropping a knee to the "back" of Jon jon. Rob Hoffman shows up and he and that guy from Richmond Lucha who I 've met 36 times and never remember his name are astounded that I'm gearing up for a fourth child in February. They plead to me to quit breeding but I scoff at them. MY SEED WILL FIND PURCHASE AND MY ARMY will RULE your little WORLD! Jon Jon sells the loosest of assbeatings and the kids are all heated up over his comeback and they pop like freaks for his pin. mulDOOMSTONE was suppose to review the first three matches and send it to me, but well..... you know.
Kiley McLane comes out and kids hate her. She has the belt and grabs the stick and yells at everyone. They announce her opponent- Foxxy Roxxy- and she comes out. She has a weird vibe- like the bassplayer from Danger Danger but with a cheerleading outfit on. The entire crowd starts screaming "It's a MAN, BABY!" and blind dolt, ref Jeff Capo is confused. One can only hope that Capo didn't try to pick up "ladies" at the corner of Grace and Davis after the show. Anyway, we all start screaming at Capo for not having the PROFESSIONALISM to check Roxxy's groinular region to see she actually is a chick. He's a ref, that's like being a doctor, right? I mean, Roxxy was the prettiest thing in the building. I just don't think she was packing non-latex lady business down yonder. EITHER WAY, Roxxy bumped like a motherfucking FREAK for Kiley and made this a really fun match. She leaned into Kiley's lariat like a fucking QUEEN. She ate punches like Ricky Morton. She took the Kiley Celtic Death Drop SuperPlex like a younger, be-penised Sherry Martel. It was great. Capo is such a pansy.
They have a three way tag team. And it's the first of two times that the heat is all weird. Sean Calloway (who would be the most improved guy on the GWA trainee roster if Malicious Murphy wasn't right there) comes out face, wrestles kinda heel and they try to get him babyface heat as he and Murphy taunt each other but don't touch each other until final. Calloway and Mike Dynamite (I was later informed he was actually MAXXX DYNAMITE! a far more Birch Pornpile-level manly name.) wrestled the first section as heels against the TRULY fun Quickstyle and (let me check O'Brien's results) OH YES! ALEX SAGE! Double dropkicks, four consecutive tags for springboard legdrops, the whole magilla- they are a fun tag team. I could see them having fabulous matches with Frank the Tank Parker and Scotty Blaze and also with the Old School Empire to set up the eventual and truly awesome OSE and Roanoke Truck-greasers Connection showdown. Quickstyle is a great Ricky Morton in this and the kids adore him. Calloway and Dynamite are fun heels. Dragan Frost and Malicious Murphy stay out of it pretty much except for Murphy to tag in every now and then and brutalize whoever is standing there. Quickstyle and Sage make a big babyface comeback after Quickstyle takes a giant ass-beating and I forget who got pinned but Calloway and Dynamite turn face and take on Dragen Frost and Malicious Murphy. mDS and I notice that Malicious Murphy has gotten really good as of late and he is the highlight of this section. His offense is good n hellish- nice clubbing forearms and really nice suplexs which like they truly sucked to take. Dragan Frost lowblows everybody about 6 times and smartly pretty much sets up Murphy's ass-stomping sections. Murphy finishes this off just as we were starting to whine about this going too long- hitting a NICE Nodawa on Calloway.
The next match has your new favorite six-man tag team- The Sons Of Ra! They didn't come out to Sun-Ra but that's fine. Ron Pharoah has gone INSANE and now thinks that he is an actual SUN GOD! He is now simply PHAROAH. And his full Pharoah regalia is awesome. He went to the SUN and when he returned, he chose his new partners, who are Prince Malik and the WILDLY fun SHAKA! Shaka has a Muta fixation and he works ridiculously stiff. Pharoah is a good power wrestler. Prince Malik is Prince Malik and he now has a great reason to be Prince Malik- as he is a member of a Back To Egypt stable and it RULES. The key to this match working is on the other side. His name is Hugh B Johnson. He is downplaying his Canadian roots and instead has opted to become the black Bam Bam Bigelow. He bumps his gigantic ass off taking the beating from the SUN GODZ~! The problem with the match is that the heat is all screwed up. While Johnson is taking this gigantic beating, his partners Mike Vaugn and Donovan Torrez are loudly arguing over Donovan's endless heel turn. Donovan Torrez argues with the kids at full volume while Johnson is trying to get these same children to get behind his comeback. Kids being kids, they argue with Torrez and thus Johnson basically wrestles this match as a guy getting squashed, instead of as babyface with a hot comeback. It fucked the whole thing up. They need to lose Torrez from this and get down to Johnson taking on heel stable, since he already shows that he can carry the match against all three. Plus psychotic fake Egyptians trying to recruit a giant from Canada could be sooo fucking great. Pharoah finally kills Johnson and THEY WIN THE BELTS! AWESOME! Then they super kill Johnson with a Triple Diamond Cutter. PHAROAH seals his fate as greatest thing ever by yelling at the children at ringside, "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME! I'M A GODDD!!!" It was fucking great. I deeply await Hugh B Johnson bringing down his cousins from Manitoba to help him fight the crazed Egyptians.
Mike Booth is still driving around East Richmond and thus didn't find the Community Center. I feel you, my brother. instead they have a battle royale to see who tags with PQ. I was hoping either Hugh B Johnson or Malicious Murphy make the cut but until then, EVERYBODY dies hitting the floor. Sean Calloway hit the side of the ring all funny and it looked pretty nasty. Quickstyle died the most spectacularly. The final survivor was... yes!... Malicious Murphy. Preston Quinn is master of telling a story and the story here is that Murphy has to show that he's in the big leagues and can hang with the other three. Let me state now that Scotty Blaze was the funniest motherfucker on earth being INCENSED that they were not being handed the tag belts and allowed to go home. Not even Rick O'Brien deserves that many bald/gay jokes. The match itself was the most Southern Match in the history of the South. The first part is the faces outsmarting the heels- as PQ gets a thousand 2 counts on Blaze while having him in a headscissors- to the point that Jeff Capo's clogged heart almost explodes from having to count so many times. Then Parker comes in and PQ gets him in the same hold. Me and mDS await Capo to keel over. PQ and Scotty Blaze in the ring are MAGIC. Blaze hits a lariat and PQ makes it look like hell on earth. Blaze leans into PQ's punches and make them look even more fabulous. The first part is really great because Scotty Blaze is the BEST at making a heel getting beatdown the funniest thing you've ever seen. It was magic. Murphy in the ring was good, though he was smoked by the three masters in the ring. He held his own selling the endless assbeating from Blaze and Tank- as the kids got behind his really short comebacks, something I didn't figure someone who wrestles his style could pull off. It helps that Blaze and Tank are Southern Tag masters and than PQ is fucking great on the apron, getting the crowd really into awaiting the hot tag. It was Southern tag wrestling at the State of The Art so I dug this match quite a bit. I loved how PQ wouldn't tag with Murphy at points because he wanted the new junior member to show him that he can keep beating on the opponent- that was so Japanese. I also loved how they worked in spots where Murphy would make mistakes that they couldn't afford to make to set up the inevitable end. That's storytelling. It wasn't the best PQ match I've ever seen since he is the best as a heel in a singles match. And it wasn't the best match I've ever seen Tank in- as he is best a heel in a singles match. But it was definately the best Scotty Blaze match I've seen- as he is the KING of tag team wrestling. Exotica Divine lassooes PQ ankle with a noose and he can't make the save as a baffled Malicious Murphy (who has just accidentally larieted PQ) gets Double Flapjacked for the pin. Now the belt go to stinkin' Roanoke! GODDAMMIT! Stupid Roanoke...
I fine evening of the professional wrestling eventhough one truly misses the Old School Empire when they aren't wrestling. Scotty Blaze fucking RULES.
http://tapemachinesarerolling.tumblr.com/post/121346978369/tape-machines-rasslin-review-vol-1 Scott Christ's latest longform is worth downloading to your mobile device of choice and taking to the beach - or the crapper - your call.