YOUR DVDVR BOOZE REVIEW # 20 (ish)- PORTER CHALLENGE! ANCHOR PORTER vs ROCK CREEK BLACK RAVEN PORTER! LET'S HOOKEM UP!
Rippa came by today and the tape sale is winding down and the wife ORDERED me to go get beer so IMAGINE MY BLISS. I told her that I was going for non-swill and she said, "Fine." I went to the Corner Market on Cleveland St and Franklin St here on the sacred soil of Richmond, VA. They have upgraded their overpriced panty-waiste frou-frou booze greatly and I was going to go for the Smuttynose Robust Porter that I CHANCED upon there last time I was there but they were out. I DID see the Anchor Porter which I have loved like a divine yet easy piece of BoozeAss for a while now- but I noticed I had never really reviewed it's funtasticalness before. I also noticed a Porter by a Micro that I had never heard so- being a two-fisted All American Motherfucking REBEL- I gave it a shot.
I'm drinking the Anchor now and I'll start in by saying it is a fucking FABULOUS booze to ply your fat, rambling boozehole with. It's all mellow and deep and it is as fine as summertime wine. I ask the wife what she thinks of the Anchor Porter and she points to the Rock Creek Black Raven Stout and says, " I like it better than this." And she makes the same adorable face that she makes whenever she notices that I'm watching IWA MidSouth King Of The Deathmatch or Cinemax After Dark- disgust mixed with revulsion mixed with disappointment. Anchor is all that though- all fruity and walnut-esque in the front frothing into a wave of mellow nutty aftertaste. It's all manly and it's all beautiful. They don't tell one the al-kee-haul content- the stuck up left coast pretentious fuckfaces, but they broo a superquality Porter and I commend them for 28 years of brooing excellence. I like Taddy Porter and gorgeous local ass-stomper Legend Porter probably a little more than this, but I can't be sure how much. Maybe more PORTER WARZ are in order. The only downside is that after three of these Anchor beauties you get a weird caramel coating on your tongue that gets a little bitter between sips, but it goes away when you cram the bottle into your mouth and fill your mealy drunkhole with the sweet booze again. What else do you want? WHAT?!
AND THEN WE REVIEW the Rock Creek Black Raven Porter. My wife fucking hates this. She says it's really metallic tasting and sucks goats sucking off dogs (or something). See, this is where I know I was the luckiest motherfucker on earth to marry her because this Porter tastes almost identical to the odd, questionable yet provocative taste of the Mobjack Old Coot Stout- which is also ultra regional and out of range of most of the DVDVR Boozehound/Pathetic Alcoholicz Contingent's reach. I reviewed that august stout a while back and I'm still not sure if I liked it and fuck if I'm gonna blow anymore money on booze that takes me more than two beers to fall in love with. Anyway, both have this weird taste. It's what I imagine a cassette tape would taste like if you melted it down and fermented it. It's this wide weird taste that sits in the middle of the first sip and your mind can't break it down. And this gets back to why I'm glad I married my wife: whereas a black belt idiot drunk like myself has a grotesquely developed subconscious pallette with such a vast knowledge of every swill, horsepiss, microbrew, stout, mint malt liquor, lager, wine, wine cooler, gin, bourbon, scotch, vodka, uzo, and Black Label taste a booze-soaked mind can imagine- I can THUS find this taste truly neato and thought-provoking! YEAH DADDY! Truly fun. Truly challenging. It's like drinking a smoke-brewed Urbock- no SANE person would drink something that tastes a pepperoni sub left in a hickory smoke house for three days, but your hardcore drunk is fucking FASCINATED by it. Black Raven Porter isn't CLOSE to being as good as that Urbock I had but it falls into the same pathetic category. While sane people like my wife say, "To hell with this shit, gimme another Anchor Porter," I am going to get another of the Rock Creek offering. Okay, the second Black Raven Porter...
GOD, the second one is even more fucked up than the first. On the second one (after having another Anchor Porter) the melted cassette tape taste starts to taste like you fermented it in some kind of Mad Dog 40/40 Plum wine- sort of like you cut your Kountry Kwencher with WD40. It's a grim taste that I think I could learn to love. Pity me, oh gentle reader...
Zima--UGH. Drinking that should be a criminal sentence for a true beer lover.
All those "malt beverages" (read: Smirnoff Ice, Mike's Hard Lemonade and Ice Tea, etc) make my stomach cramp within seconds.
Funny thing--the last three times I went out to the local watering holes for fun, there's been a clown dressed up like Captain Morgan (wig, costume and all) attempting to pipe that disgusting Capt. Morgan Gold crap down our throats. Not even his two tall fiesty pirate wenches could convice us. Oh, though they tried... :)
I am convinced that these malt beverages exist solely as a means of pushing their brand image on TV. If you saw Smirnoff or Captain Morgan ads for their hard stuff on TV I bet these malt things would go away...
They are drinks for the womens. The womens drink the pre-mixed drinks (like wine coolers). That is what the womens around here drinks when they's drinking in a non-bar or restaurant that serves booze situation (like at home, or someone elses home).
That said, the only pre-mixed drink that makes sense is a bottle of CC&G. I tip my hat to the person who can drink straight rye.
Erk. With the exception of Rev, which I drink once in a blue moon, I generally avoid ``mixed drinks that come that way.'' This thread caused me to do strengthen my resolve on that front: I had no idea that these were technically `malt' drinks.
One word: eeeeeeeewwww.
The worst part is, these things are huge and getting huger. On a Wednesday night at the Marquee (pretty much the only bar in Halifax worth going to anymore) I see more of these ``malternative beverages'' than mixed drinks. Bear in mind that on that day at that bar (until 1am, anyway) barshots are CDN$2.00 (so a double is CDN$4.00, whereas a Smirnoff Ice is $4.95). Why would I drink what amounts to a single, totally perverted rye and ginger in a CC&G bottle when I can have a double CC and G mixed by the bartender for almost a buck cheaper?
And with all the drinks coming out on the market now, and I'm talking about soft drinks, too (i.e. Vanilla Coke, Pepsi Blue, 7up Tropical, etc.), do you guys think it has to do with a true desire for more options on the part of the consumer, is it all about trying to steal market share, however marginal, or is it an attempt by major manufacturers to diversify their own market share and thus (hopefully) avoid having a single point of failure? I ask because this isn't the first time such things have been attempted (i.e. New Coke, Pepsi Clear, and other total disasters) but for some reason it seems to be working better this time.
how come you're so afraid of things that dont make any sense to you? do you water your raisins daily? do you have any raisins? is there anything that does make sense to you? are you afraid of twelve button suits? how come you're so afraid to stop talking?
"Why would I drink what amounts to a single, totally perverted rye and ginger in a CC&G bottle when I can have a double CC and G mixed by the bartender for almost a buck cheaper?"
I assume people do it because they're stupid, and cannot do simple math in their head. Or to seem trendy. Oddly enough, I don't think any of the clubs around here sell the pre-mixed drinks, but I could be wrong, and that's suprising since this town is loaded to the gills with morons.
edit: Oh yeah, and another reason I guess is that, and this one makes sense, the mixed drinks at the bar taste like ass because, to use rye and ginger as an example, the ginger ale they have on tap is watery and flat, and they use silk tassle.
And you will know that they have gone too far when they start selling pre-mixed ceasars.
Originally posted by tarnish Erk. With the exception of Rev, which I drink once in a blue moon, I generally avoid ``mixed drinks that come that way.'' This thread caused me to do strengthen my resolve on that front: I had no idea that these were technically `malt' drinks.
One word: eeeeeeeewwww.
The worst part is, these things are huge and getting huger. On a Wednesday night at the Marquee (pretty much the only bar in Halifax worth going to anymore) I see more of these ``malternative beverages'' than mixed drinks.
Actually, and you would know better than I, I don't think that you canadians get the same swill of "malternative beverages" that we in the USA do. When I was last in Canada, a "friend" bought me a Smirnoff Ice and it most assuredly was not the same thing I had tried - once, because it was free - in Michigan. The Smirnoff Ice in Canada tasted like a vodka and lemon drink while the US version tasted like fake lemon flavored cheap beer.
"Verhoeven's _Starship Troopers_: Based on the back cover of the book by Robert Heinlein."
I do have to admit that when I started drinking, I included Mike's in my repertoire (double shots of Southern Comfort weren't doing it for me, and it took about 10 shots of vodka in an hour and a half to get me truly PISS DRUNK). Now, though, I've moved on to either Busch for getting hammered (good cheap beer), or Sam Adams/Molsen for enjoying a beer.
I'm standing in Wendy's last night about to order a Big Bacon Classic, then I remember this post and get the Wild Mountain (had never tried it) instead. It was OK, but I wouldn't mind the Monterey Ranch Chicken coming back at its expense.