I hardly know where to begin cataloging my disappointment in Dracula. About the only thing I liked was Game of Thrones' Xaro Xhoan Daxos as Renfield. He's not an insane bug eater, but I liked his regal bearing and servitude. Thankfully also, he didn't constantly brag about going from nothing to being the richest man in Carfax Abbey. He isn't, that would be his boss, Dracula.
The other thing I sort of dug, in the same way I enjoy the revisionist history in Sleepy Hollow, is the idea lobbed in the pilot that Jack the Ripper was actually a vampire killing prostitutes in London and the Order of the Dragon made up "Jack the Ripper" to cover it up.
Everything else... oof.
Starting with Dracula: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is 1) short and 2) dull. Also, for some reason Dracula is posing as an American industrialist named Alexander Grayson. Why? No. Good. Reason. He's like the Thomas Edison of Victorian England; he wants to bring electricity to London in order to economically destroy his enemies The Order of the Dragon. Um. What? When I think of Count Dracula and the ways he will attack mankind, making their stocks plummet in the boardroom is the last thing I would think of, or want to see.
Mina Murray, Jonathan Harker, Lucy Westenra are all here. The latter two, so far, mainly just to be name checked. Harker is a journalist interviewing Alexander Grayson and he's worried Mina has the hots for this wealthy American. Mina is played by Jessica De Gouw, who was The Huntress in Arrow, and there is a profound difference between how well Arrow lit and shot De Gouw to be as striking and attractive as possible and how poorly Dracula costumes, lights, and shoots De Gouw to not be as attractive as possible. It's bizarre how not great looking she looks as Mina.
Big spoiler reveals: The Order of the Dragon are the bad guys in the series, worse than Dracula, who is and has to be a bad guy but is sort of presented as not. Dracula hates them because they killed his wife hundreds of years ago, who seems to be reincarnated as Mina, but the show is coy with it and doesn't address any of it directly in the pilot. Just a lot of looks from afar from Dracula, who stalks her like Superman stalking Lois Lane, and then he attacks prostitutes walking by. Unlike Superman, to be fair.
Biggest swerve of all: Abraham Van Helsing and Dracula are in cahoots! Cahoots! Van Helsing resurrected Dracula from his crypt and the two of them worked together for ten years on this convoluted plot to bring down the Order of the Dragon by economic ruination. Dastardly. "They killed my family!" Van Helsing howls at Dracula. "They killed my wife!" Dracula yells back.
"You're fucking up my Dracula" I yell at the television. Bram Stoker might concur.
Hello, everybody! We're here a day early - it's a whole lot easier when you're only looking up 93 DVDs and 20 Blu-rays! LET'S GO PICK OF THE WEEK Family Guy: It's A Trap! (The W at Amazon) (FOX, 2011) It'll air later, but you must have it now.