You clicked on the thread so now you have to say it with me - “Hi, my name is (Insert Name Here) and I am addicted to Dancing with the Stars.” There, now don’t you feel better ?
Yeah, neither do I.
It is Week # 2 and we were live from the (Insert Potential Corporate Sponsor Name Here) Ballroom in Hollywood. Last week we saw Kirstie Alley twinkle her toes like Fred Flintsone in a bowling alley while Ralph Macchio turned back the hands of time and the two unlikeliest stars jumped out to an early lead. Here in week 2, the stars all danced the Quickstep & the Jive. I can’t tell you which is which but I can tell you that both dances gave us tremendous potential for sloppy footwork.
Brooke Burke took the satellite dish that was attached to her waist last week and had it stretched into a very nice form fitting number that squeezed her so tight that her hair expanded into a Snooki-Pouf.
Sugar Ray Leonard answered the opening bell with a little more confidence than last week. He looked more like the Comeback version of himself than the Championship version. His partner smartly kept herself between the judges & Sugar Ray as much as she could but Carrie Ann Inaba pointed it out best when she said that when Sugar Ray was boxing, he was crisp. There has been no snap to Sugar so far in this competition.
Kendra Wilkinson was next and she literally looked like a deer in headlights. I really thought she was going to crack and completely lose it as she listened to the judges. And Chesticles ? Really Len ? She will stick around this week but she isn’t going to make it to the end.
Chelsea Kane was next and you knew there was going to be trouble with Len as soon as they came down the stairs during intros in their ridiculous costumes. You have got to hand it to Bruno when he said they looked like “Marcel Marceau Desperately Seeking Lolita in A Clockwork Orange”. (I wonder if he wrote that line during rehearsal himself or if he bought it from Bruce Vilanch ?) It was actually an entertaining dance that they should have been able to get away with but Len obviously forgot to eat his bran cereal & Carrie Ann surprisingly piled on. I still think that despite Chelsea being a Disney product, she is going to have some trouble with fan support. The previous Disney stars on the show have either been male or headliners and little girls tend to vote for the cute guys and the stars of shows. Chelsea played opposite the Jonas Brothers and I bet there will be some built in tweenage resentment toward her for that. Mark got away with his annual bad choice because there are still a good many stumblefoots on the show.
Next up was Chris Jericho and our first surprise of the night. It was obvious that Chris had now properly assessed his surroundings and his challenge. Anyone who has watched the son of former New York Ranger not so great but somewhat fondly remembered, Ted Irvine, at any time during his wrestling career knows that Chris knows how to play to his audience. It also helps that he has one of the strongest partners in the competition in Cheryl. Jericho was looser all over while his feet were cleaner. He tied for the top score of the night and then proceeded to make sure that his smiling mug was in the background of EVERY interview given in the celebraquarium.
Petra Nemcova was next and she was wearing a hat that covered her supermodel face. She also briefly wore a dress that covered her supermodel body. What she was left wearing could have fit in her partner’s pocket had she wished to discard those accoutrements as well. Len pointed out that once the dress came off, we noticed her very long legs which led to us to also notice the feet at the end of her very long legs and the judges noticed her feet too. She was stiff everywhere but her rather bodacious top. The costume department is going to have more than their hands full trying to contin both Petra & Kendra this season.
America’s sentimental choice, Kirstie Alley, was up next. She surprised everyone last week by channeling Jackie Gleason and moved effortlessly around the dance floor. Tonight she is met with a dance that had the potential for her to be cardio-hell. She started strong but not as sharp as last week and started to wane in the final third of her dance. I think Maks threw in the kiss at the end to help distract from her dance. Kirstie is paying for the extra weight right now. If she can continue to lose weight during the show, she could keep herself at or near the top of the leaderboard. She also is going to garner huge support from the viewers if she does lose weight as “America” will want to see her win her latest weight battle.
Next up was Psycho Mike Catherwood and I feel sorry for his partner Lacey Schwimmer. She had a potential winner last season in Kyle Massey but they ran into the sentimental buzzsaw that was Jennifer Grey. Pyscho Mike has no moves, no chance and no fan base outside of wherever his home base radio station is located. He was obviously the sacrificial lamb that they needed in order for the stars with potential to have a first elimination safety net in case they stumbled. I will be stunned if he isn’t gone tonight.
Romeo danced next and I don’t know what the judges were watching but it looked to me like all he did was run around the floor. His feet seemed to drag & slide and nothing seemed precise. My wife & I were somewhat stunned when his scores tied him for the top right after I commented on the fact that he danced like his dad. Chelsie will carry him a long way since she is probably the hardest working choreographer and she seems to connect with Romeo. I still think his ultimate weakness will be fan support.
Wendy Williams danced next and I went to take out the garbage. I had no interest in watching her. I don’t care how big a following she may have from her TV & radio shows, she is as mobile as a parking meter. She will live to dance another day but there is no way she gets past the second elimination.
The Karate Kid was up next and this week he went for a different toupee (obviously someone in hair at ABC got fired for whatever dead animal was perched on his head last week) and white shoes. He still looks younger now than he did as Daniel-san but in the rehearsal clip, he moved like an old man. I wanted his kids to call him out but they were probably afraid that Daddy would hit them with a crane kick. As for the white shoes with the black outfit, well it does draw attention to your feet so the feet better be in the right spots or it will be very noticeable. They weren’t in the right spots enough to equal last week’s score but they did keep Ralph & Karina in first place overall (not counting the all important fan vote).
Finally Hines Ward came out to close out the evening. As he stumbled around the stage I commented to my wife on how a 6th round draft pick from South Dakota State would have no problem covering the former Super Bowl MVP if he moved like that on the field. So imagine my surprise when Hines & Kym tied for the top score of the evening with Jericho & Romeo and moved themselves into 2nd place overall. Hines will have the NFLPA behind him but he is going to need a little more personality to get America behind him. Steeler Nation can only wave so many Terrible Towels.
So who’s going home ? I will be stunned if it isn’t Psycho Mike Catherwood. Wendy Williams should join him in the Bottom 2 but I wouldn’t actually be surprised to see either Sugar Ray Leonard or Petra Nemcova standing next to them. Luckily I have a meeting at school tonight so I won’t have to watch the results show or the Chris Brown performances. I wonder if Robin Roberts will be sitting in the front row tonight ?
Until next week, when I won’t get to watch until I get to my hotel room in Kentucky on Tuesday night and only if the Wi-Fi is a solid five bars…
The reason I think a movie has to be made is not just because of how good it could be but because they owe us one to pay off the last line of the series as the ultimate call-forward instead of just a sad idle tease.