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30.7.14 0001
The W - Guest Columns - Come for the Satire, Stay for the Pants (8/30/04)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 3 hours
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Randy Orton still hadn’t fully recovered from the WWE’s big shout out to me, and projectile vomited on Triple H. Maven made a special appearance to make the Divas go down easier…wait…nah, that’s all right. Kane and Lita got married…er…tried to anyway. Who will they try to marry…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! Here’s Evolution out to their music. There is a brief embarrassing moment when Randy Orton thinks that his music playing means that he should come out and they all just kind of stand around and look at eachother until Orton sheepishly wanders backstage. They’ve edited Randy out of the Evolution video by pasting a picture of Nibblins’ face over his. Nibblins is the MACK DADDY! HHH has the MIC!

HHH: Randy Orton, who I have yet to see tonight, I took you into Evolution, Randy Orton, and I made you a star, Randy Orton. Look at Ric Flair, Randy Orton, jobbing to Rico, Randy Orton, until I gave him a job, Randy Orton, and now he’s got a great job, Randy Orton, getting me chicks and cleaning up Nibblins’ stains, Randy Orton. Look at Ric Flair now, Randy Orton! SO MUCH BETTER OFF!!
RF: It’s True….waaaaaaahhh…It’s all true!!
HHH: And what about dear old “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Randy Orton, WHAT ABOUT DAVE?! He toiling over on Smackdown, Randy Orton, working as Reverend D-Von’s money slave, Randy Orton. But I took him, Randy Orton, and made him into the most FEARED man in pro-wrestling Randy Orton.

Dave Poses.

HHH: Knock that off, dude! Then, what about you, Randy Orton, Randy Orton? I went down to Velocity, Randy Orton, and I gave you a ride. I had J.R. read this long list of crap nobody cared about, for YOU, Randy Orton. And then, Randy Orton, I taught you your first finisher. Remember that, Randy Orton? You were wrestling Chris Tian, and you stood over him and he fell over? Remember THAT, Randy Orton?! I TAUGHT YOU THAT! Then, Randy Orton, after you got hurt, I taught you, Randy Orton, how to stay on TV even though you were hurt, Randy Orton. Not only that, Randy Orton, but I brought you in, Randy Orton, I made you like a Lil’ Triple H, Randy Orton. And how did you repay me, Randy Orton? You were annoying and FORCED me to constantly hit you with a PEDIGREE TO ORTON, Randy Orton. I even taught you how to work the smarks, Randy Orton, telling you to get into a fight with Mark Jindrak while wearing a stupid blue work out suit, Randy Orton. I DID THESE THINGS FOR YOU, RANDY ORTON!! And what did you do for me, Randy Orton? You stole my title, Randy Orton! And my sweater! What the hell, Randy Orton? How dare you turn your back on us, Randy Orton?! We’re the EVOLUTION OF THIS BUSINESS, RANDY ORTON!! And…Oh God…I just realized how old the Evolution of this business is…I think I need to sit down.

Elsewhere…

Coach Nash: Doin’ fine, Hunter!
Scott Hall: Man, where did I leave those pitchers of pina colada?
CN: How the hell am I supposed to know? I’ve been sitting here rehabbing my knee on Playstation all day.
SH: Oh. Damn. And I was going to go to the party down there.
CN: Down where?
SH: Down THERE!
CN: Hahahahahahaha….
SH: Hahahahahahaha….
CN: Man, that one never gets old.
SH: But, seriously, I was just going to try to get hammered.

Back in the Cow Palace, Randy comes out to the entrance ramp…to NEW MUSIC!

RO: I finally got new music! Huzzah! Uh…in other news, I deserve to be the champion. Rather than explain all the reasons WHY I should be the champion (see: CHINLOCK~!, OMG) instead we’ll play a game. I’m willing to hand over the title to you, Hunter…IF you can withstand the peer pressure that will urge you to take what’s behind…CURTAIN NUMBER ONE!
HHH: May I have a moment to confer with my friends?
RO: Time is wrestling you know! So, of course.

HHH confers with Evolution….

HHH: I think I should just take the belt.
RF: What are you an idiot?! You’ve GOT to take the curtain.
DBD: I want to change into a Little Bo Peep OUTFIT!
HHH: The curtain? Why?
RF: ANYTHING could be under there. Pfft…you could win a title any time. I used to win one every weekend. You know what could be behind the curtain? A WORLD TITLE!
DBD: Maybe it’s a PONY!
RF: Maybe it’s a picture of an old lady I could take for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy! WOO!
HHH: Geez. Fine, we’ll take the curtain. Christ.

HHH: We’ll take the curtain.
RO: Ha! A loser is you! For behold what is behind the curtain!
HHH: It’s…a…uh…picture of Evolution? Hey! Look! I’m the champion!
RO: Notice, that Dave and I aren’t allowed to wear pants? What’s up with that?
DBD: I want PANTS!
RO: I’m telling you, Dave, outside Evolution, you can wear pants wherever you want.
DBD: No WAY!
RF: And why am I wearing pants? Why do you make me wear pants, huh?! In fact….

Flair starts stripping in the middle of the ring, Hunter stops him.

RF: Hey! I guess that’s just par for the course for Hater Hates Hatesly!
HHH: Nobody wants to see your ass, Ric.
RF: I bet Randy would let me show off my ass if I was in HIS Evolution.
RO: Uh…Changing the subject, if you don’t want this picture, would you like to trade it in for what’s in this box?
HHH: Yes. Whatever it is, yes.
DBD: All RIGHT! Inflatable SHEEP!
RO: Errr…that one’s mine. I meant to open THIS BOX!
HHH: A picture of you wearing the World Title?
RO: I know! I could scarcely believe it myself. I’ve got a billion of these things and I’m trying to give them away.
HHH: What’s in the other box? It better be a world title.
RO: No, it’s….
HHH: A picture of Scott Hall…great….

Elsewhere….

CN: Hunter’s talking about you on TV, Scotty.
SH: You’re not the boss of me, Hunter!
CN: He can’t hear you. What the hell are you drinking over there? I can’t see over the couch.
SH: If I told you that…I’d have to kill you.
CN: You’re doing shots of Lysol again aren’t you?
SH: Maybe.
CN: There’s beer in the fridge, dude.
Drunky Smurf: Somebody smurf me up another glass of the pine stuff.
SH: Here you go, little man.
CN: Who the hell are you talking to over there?
SH: Your mother.
CN: Tell her to hurry up on that laundry.
SH: Hey, yo…Survey time again…who ffghhnuffle?
CN: Nobody can hear you but me, Scott.
DS: And me! But for all you know, I don’t actually exist.
SH: One more win…for the good guys.

Back on RAW…..

HHH: All right, fine. What the hell is in the envelope, Randy? I know it sure as hell isn’t a World Title, but maybe it’s a coupon to Sizzler or something….
DBD: Maybe it’s a PONY!
HHH: It’s not a friggin’ pony.
RF: Don’t you crush his hopes and dreams, Hickory Hula Hoop!
RO: It’s a…uh…picture of me spitting on you.
HHH: Oh…can I trade that in to?
RO: Actually, you know…there is one OTHER thing…Do you want what’s behind DOOR NUMBER ONE?!
Audience: Yeah!
DBD: Door Number ONE!
RF: No Whammies! No Whammies! No Whammies! And STOP! WOOO!
HHH: Yes. I’ll take it.
RO: It’s a SLEDGEHAMMER!!
HHH: YES!!
RO: Shot to the face!!
HHH: No!

It’s not quite what Hunter had hoped. Randy runs down to the ring, but fortunately for Evolution, he has no idea what he’s doing. He kind of just swings the head at them for a while, but Evolution is clever enough to move five inches out of the way. Even Dave. Orton is sad that he never got to hit anything. Sorry, Randy.

(ads)

Eric Bischoff is PISSED!

EB: Did you know how much time you took up on this show? Dammit. Now we’ve had to cut the Chuck Palumbo/Rosey match. And I LOVE that little float.
RO: Geez…sorry. I was just trying to be cool, you know?
EB: Well you failed. I want you to leave. Right now.
RO: Fine, I’m out of here. Dork.
EB: Wait, wait, wait. I want the Sledgehammer of Plot as close to me as possible.

Randy drops the sledgehammer on Bischoff’s foot.

EB: Haha! Steel toed boots!

Mantaur gores Bischoff.

RO: Not my fault, dude. Anywho, I’m outie. Come on, bored looking security guys.
Security Guy: We’re not going anywhere. We’re on break. It’s in the charter.
RO: Whatever.

La Resistance and Jonathan Coachman v. Rhyno and Tajiri

Coach lurves to wrestle. Actually, he lurves to stand outside the ring and show off his receding hairline. Tajiri gets really bored about thirty seconds in and falls asleep, never to wake up again before the match ends. I don’t really think that Rhyno can win this match, but J.R. seems to think so because Rhyno is from Detroit. Well…I mean, he doesn’t play basketball, so I’m pretty sure that being from Detroit is just a one way ticket to jobberville. Well…unless he learns to rap. “Yo, Yo, Yo, my name’s Rhyno.” That’s all I got. Sorry, Rhyno. Sure enough, he jobs. Well, there’s always Heat.

Where he can job to Chuck Palumbo.

(ads)

Here’s a band that was popular five years ago! Poppa Roach! Hey, look! It’s Fat X-Pac. Rehab’s been tough on poor Fat X-Pac. He switched from drugs to doughnuts. Or maybe he ate Chyna.

Hey! It’s Kane! At a Door! Is it Kane’s Door? No? Ok, then.

KN: Don’t come out until I do my segment with Lita later. I want this to be a secret.
Jeff Hardy: What to be a secret?
KN: Goddammit, Jeff!
JH: What?
Crowd: What?
KN: Man, this company is killing my almost-marriage.

Here’s William Regal and Eugene….

WR: I know you’re excited to be wrestling Triple Haitch again tonight, but don’t come out until I tell you. I’m serious. Don’t come out.
ED: I don’t think you’ll have to worry about THAT. I’m not gay.
WR: To the ring.
ED: Oh…right. I wouldn’t come out there anyway, your workrate has been…lacking of late.
WR: God, I hate you, dear boy. Anyway, I’m going to go off to wrestle.
ED: Don’t “strike out”…hehehehe…

You’d know this was…uh…funny(?) if you knew that he was wearing a baseball jersey.

VM: Come with me.
ED: What? What’s going on.
VM: You said “strike” on WWE TV. That’s grounds for a punch to the face.
ED: Oh crap…well…You said it too!

Vince punches himself in the face, knocking himself out.

ED: HaHA!

(ads)

William Regal v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

Dave tries to fight Regal with his knowledge of wrestling, but William is a vampire, so he no sold it all. I wonder if he can turn into a bat. If so he should probably stay away from Sting. And KISS Demon. What is it about face paint and baseball bats? Flair punches Regal in the face with some brass knux, and William goes down. Dave gets the win. What, no Osprey Bomb? This segment has left me…lacking. But we’ve already reached the match total from last week. All those goddamn workrate smarks will be happy. Eugene isn’t even watching, though.

And to all you Workrate Smarks Out there: I love you, but that Kane/Lita wedding was AWESOME. Lighten up.

Hi, Rick.

Oh no! It’s the Republican National Convention!

Ivory: HI! THE WWE! IS AT THE REBULICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION!! YAY!! WE’RE, LIKE, TOTALLY BI-PARTISAN! HERE’S LINDA! MCMAHON!!
LM: Thank you. Ivory. Vote for Somebody. America. Braaaaaaiiiins….

Here’s video of WWE Superstars talking to Republicans. Mark Henry is the only black guy there. I wonder if Arnold will show up so that Vince can declare him World Champion of Politics.

IV: THAT WAS GREAT!! HI!! SHAWN MICHAELS!!
HBK: zzzzHizzzzzIvoryzzzzGet out and vote.
IV: WHAT’S WRONG?! WITH YOU?!
HBK: zzzzzKanezzzzzKilled my throat.
LM: Braaaaaainssss…BRAINS….
Dick Cheney: Brains? Drools.
HBK: You’re not a zombie.
DC: Neither are you.
HBK: Yeah, but I’m just doing this as part of a wrestling storyline.
DC: **** off.
HBK: zzzzzzzzI’llzzzzzzSuperkick you.
GWB: A disabled type guy! Get ‘im! We’ll put him in a campaign ad. Purple heart, huh? Well we’ve got the cripple vote!
HBK: I love you, Lita honey! Say hi to the fetus for me!

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2004~!!

My Darling Stacy is in the ring and wearing what appears to be 1/10th of an outfit. Yay!

MDS: An important part of being a…uh…Diva? Is to cut, like, promos. So why don’t you all cut a promo. Oh, and Maria is eliminated.

Who?

LS: If I could be serious for a minute. Hi…I’m Halle Berry from Calgary…Alberta, Canada. I was born to wrestle and bred to win. Carmella? You are a no good ho bag. And Mountina, I seriously think that you aren’t really a woman. And Josh Matthews? So…hot. Dammit. I just lost votes there didn’t I. Too bad nobody from Canada can vote, because I really am from Calgary…Alberta, Canada.
JC: And that’s not just the coolest, that’s….

BOMP!

MT: My name is Mountina, and I am from Canada as well! I always get my man. I think that Halle Berry is a fraud, that Carmella is slut who has sex with all the football players, and I know that Josh Matthews is really hot. So vote for Mountina!
JC: That’s not just the coole….

BOMP!

JM: I…uh…Don’t want to win? Lance here is a talented former wrestler who has stooped to depressing lows, The Mountie was alright and I don’t know what the hell his problem is. That dumb bitch Carmella doesn’t do jack squat but people vote fo her because they’ve seen her naked, like, a thousand times. I hate you all.
JC: And that’s not just the….

BOMP!

JC: Dammit!
CDC: Hi, I’m Carmella. I already know you’re voting for me, but let me make a real effort to….
JC: And that’s not just the coolest, that’s not just the best….
LS: That’s from Calgary…Alberta, Canada.
JC: And that’s Justin Credible! Haha….
CDC: Guys, I think it’s my tu….

BOMP!

MDS: There you have it. Remember kids, you can’t vote for me!

Aw…Dammit.

Kane is wandering around backstage dragging Lita around.

TS: Hey…uh…what a bitch, huh, Tyson?
TT: …
TS: Oh, I know! Hey, Kane, it looks like your non-wife’s curtains don’t match her carpet.
KN: No, no. I’m very into interior decorating. Both our curtains and our carpets are red or black depending on the room.
TS: Uh…right.
KN: Nice talking to you, ma’am.

(ads)

The Bearers make their way to the ring. Kane has a mic.

KN: Lita, darling, I’m very happy to tell you that we’ll both be getting our PPV bonus this month! Eric Bischoff gave me any match I wanted.
LT: Oh, God, you’re not going to wrestle Matt again are you?
KN: Nope. I drove him straight to the depths of HELL!
LT: I thought you drove him to Wyoming?
KN: You’ve obviously never been to Wyoming?
LT: Oh. No. I try to stay out of Texas.
KN: Now here’s the whole Hardy Family!

Wow…Samoan Hardy…Laurel Hardy…Hardy Hardy…Dances with Hardy…and Jeff.

LT: JEFF?! I thought you were in TNA.
JH: What? No. Imagi told me I could do whatever I want.
LT: So you’re not afraid you’re going to get fired?
JH: I’m only afraid of one thing Lita…Walnuts.

The Hardy Boyz v. Kane

The Hardyz attack early and get a hold of Kane. They all hit Twists of Fate. But then Jeff blows a spot and it’s a train wreck from there. Kane wins. Lita starts to cry. But then she announces that Kane will be fighting her REAL husband Shawn Michaels at Funforgiven. Kane thinks this is great news. More buys for everybody! None of this makes any sense. Wait, is OVW Referee Chris Kay going to ref EVERY match tonight?

(ads)

Ric Flair v. Chris Benoit

Battle of the DVDs! WCW v. WCW World Tour!! Flair kicks Benoit in the knee, causing me to notice that Benoit has new tights. Wow. That’s his first pair of new tights in forever. And they’re a really gaudy silver too. He’s the new Chris Jericho of Charisma, now. The OMG WORKRATE~! of this match is making me dizzy. I’ll just use this time to ask…Did the VMAs seem disjointed to anyone else? It just seemed like random crap just kept happening all over the place. The VMAs needed a host badly. Maybe I would care more about this match if this were 1997. Hey! Chris Kay! Batista runs in and hits the OSPREY BOMB~! to Benoit. YES!! Finally an Osprey Bomb. A much better finisher than that stupid clothesline. Although, clotheslines win championships.

(ads)

It’s time for a Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho…his guest tonight is frequent visitor to AppleBees, Edge. Here’s hoping his most recent injury gives him time to rehab his charisma.

EG: My groin died.
CJ: I know! I totally did it to you. And let’s face it, isn’t RAW going to be better off with a little less Edge and a little more Kane anyway?
EG: No, no. The crowd loves me! Seriously. I even have a catchphrase now.
CJ: It’s not that stupid “’Sup biggidies” is it?
EG: No, no…It’s…uh…”Can a girl get a salad?”
CJ: Use it in a promo?
EG: I hear that Chris Jericho wants me to fight him at Funforgiven…oh yeah? Well can a girl get a salad? I’m injured!
CJ: Actually, that’s kind of catchy?
EG: Really?
CJ: No.
EG: Aw…

Edge starts to leave when suddenly, Jericho is attacked by the returning Chris Tian.

CT: This is for YOU brother! Remember? Cuz we’re brothers.
EG: Oh…yeah…right…Thanks…I guess? But, can a girl get a salad, why didn’t you call?

Gangrel comes up out from under the stage.

GG: HAHA! Welcome brothers!
CT: Huh?!
EG: What the hell are you doing here?
GG: This isn’t a Brood Reunion?
CT and EG: NO!
GG: Oh…damn.

Christian throws one of the Highlight Reel chairs at Gangrel.

(ads)

Victoria and Nidia v. Gail Kim and Trish Stratus (w/ Tyson Tomko)

Ok…I’m all for submission based wrestling, but when EVERY MOVE Gail Kim does now is a submission of some sort, you’ve pretty much ruined everything. Hehehe…Remember a few years ago when Undertaker did this in an attempt to show he had a diverse moveset, and then, like a week later, he just went back to throwing punches all match. Yeah. Gail throws punches for crap though. Stevie Richards in Drag is up on the ramp. He falls over. OMG UPSKIRT! I HOPE SOMEBODY POSTS CAPS ON GOOGLE! ROTFLASR~! Victoria rolls Gail up for the win. Nidia’s contribution: Showing off cleavage. Trish’s contribution…uh…Not mentioning Christian?

(ads)

On Smackdown: Former Champion Eddie Guerrero beat up Teddy Long’s car and then escaped the scene in Jeff Hardy’s Souped-Up Station Wagon.

Eric Bischoff is in his office taking and ice bath. I hope he doesn’t get hypothermia. Todd Grisham enters the frame.

TG: Eric…I quit. I can’t stand to be on this roster anymore. Can ANYONE EXPLAIN THE KANE/LITA STORYLINE TO ME?!
EB: Who the hell are you?
TG: TODD! GRISHAM!! I am one of your announcers, and I’m seriously considering getting RUN OVER BY MANTAUR! AGAIN!!
EB: Oh yeah. I did that earlier. That’s why I’m soaking in this ice bath. Hey, do you see any bite marks on my back? I don’t want to become a wereminotaur.
TG: A WHAT?!
EB: You know…like a werewolf, but without so much…I dunno…dog.
TG: So…about the Kane/Lita thing….
EB: Yeah…uh…I dunno. I was kind of just thinking of ending it all at Funforgiven when Lita admits that she was already married and deeply in love with Ivory, but since their marriage wouldn’t be recognized by the WWE, they’ve had to hide it this whole time, and then the angle ends when Ivory, Lita and Fat X-Pac who is very pro-lesbian take on Matt Hardy, Kane and Shawn Michaels in a match where the one who gets a pin gets to have a drunk tryst with the Diva Search winner and/or marry/chokeslam them if they so desire, which would end with a double count out run in from a hungry Booker T and OVW Referee Chris Kay which would somehow lead to Hardcore Holly returning to his Sparky Plugg persona and becoming the GM of Smackdown.
TG: Oh.

Todd throws himself into the ice and freezes immediately. Then he shatters. Sub Zero wins. Fatality.

EB: Well, Sub Zero is going to clean his ass up.
SZ: Go suck on a teat.

HHH is wandering around backstage looking for some water. I think Eric Bischoff froze it all.

(ads)

Triple H v. Eugene

Eugene makes fun of HHH’s wrestling style and immediately locks in some of our favorite restholds. HHH resorts to some tried and true brawling to take control. The crowd chants for Eugene, and may I say TAKE THAT TORONTO!! Eugene tries to go for the Stunner, but Chris Kay stabs him. Damn. I hate it when that happens. Did you know that we’re coming up on two years of me doing this? And I’m STILL not getting paid. And you know who I blame for that? HHH. That’s right. I finally found something to hate him for. So you can image how thrilled I was when Randy Orton appeared courtesy of a can of Ass-Grabbin’ Grape YJStinger and security on a break. Randy hits HHH in the face with a sledgehammer and HHH falls over. Orton doesn’t quite win. It’s an assisted finisher. Actually I’m pretty sure Orton broke his hand there. Eugene gets the pin as Orton staves off Flair and Batista by telling them that if they came in the ring, they’d get rabies. They want to help Hunter, but they don’t want no rabies.

That was one looooooong ass night of wrestling….

Next Week: Randy Orton continues his huge feud with HHH by challenging him to an epic COAL MINER’S GLOVE MATCH! Kane, Lita, and Shawn Michaels discuss their marital woes with Dr. Phil, who tells them to shut up and then snorts coke out of Lita’s cleavage. Christian and Edge forget about years of backstory and do the only thing they can, find somebody to rub their injured groins. I smell a Diva Search segment! Smells like…never mind….

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Fifteen: Queen Frostine should be ashamed of herself!

RVD: I will not play Candy Land with you! I have issues with the environmental impact of the clearing of all those trees in the gumdrop forest! This administration cares NOTHING for the struggles of the common worker, and only cares about the short term economic gain of razing the gumdrop forest to make room for more gingerbread housing developments. Dammit. Queen Frostine should be ashamed of herself!
TD: Rob, you’re talking to a chair.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
LS: Guys, this is hopeless. We’ll never win the Diva Search 2004.
TD: Why not?
LS: Carmella is going to win. It’s a given. Well…Unless Josh Matthews wins.
TD: Hmmm…we need to figure out some way to sabotage her then.
RVD: I’ve got it! We have her read Marmaduke.
LS: Ok…then what Rob?
RVD: I dunno, man, but that Marmaduke is friggin’ hillarious.
SH: Hey yo, have you guys seen a couple of pitchers of pina colada around here?
LS: No, Scott, I can’t say as we have.
TD: Shawn Michaels was looking for you last week.
SH: He’s not the boss of me.
Drunky: Damn straight.
Hulk Hogan: What’s up, brothers?
RVD: Woah…Is anybody else seeing that big orange thing?
TD: What do you want?
HH: I heard you dudes were on the look out for somebody to help you eliminate a certain contestant from a certain Diva Search.
LS: We just said that five seconds a….
HH: I sped here on my speed boat.
LS: Speed boat?
HH: One of the perks of working on Thunder in Paradise, dude.
RVD: I JUST REALIZED I’M NOT WEARING PANTS!!
RF: Me neither, let’s celebrate!
HH: Well, I need some way to pimp my big ass daughter, and the MTV awards didn’t work brother. But if she leaves Carmella in a pool of her own lip gloss, publicity city, brother.
TD: What do you propose.
HH: You’ll see, brother. Leave it all to me.
LS: This plan seems full of holes. But then again, we’ve really got nothing better.
RVD: I bet I could hold my breath under jello for…50 seconds.
RF: I bet I could hold it for 52 seconds!
RVD: Prove it! I’ll go get the seven tons of jello mix, you find a pool.
RF: POOL?! POOL?! I already have a shark infested stream in my back yard! WOO!
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
TD: Let’s go watch! This’ll be HARDCORE!!
LS: Nothing at all.

Behind a pillar….

MT: Yes…Savor your jello and your gigantic teenage assassins for in the end, it will be I! Mountina! Who will win the Diva Search and get my man.
PO: Then I’ll stab them all…right?
MT: Yeah. Whatever. Hey! Your eyepatch is in the middle of your forehead this week.
PO: Yeah. So?
MT: You’ve got two eyes! And last we….
PO: No it wasn’t.
MT: But…
PO: Liar.
MT: We should get Josh Matthews arrested…or stab him or something….
PO: I’ve got a plan.
MT: Really? Tell me all about it.
PO: Well….

Mantaur gores Mountina through the pillar.

To Be Continued….




Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
It's False
Scrapple








Since: 20.6.02
From: I am the Tag Team Champions!

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 day
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.82
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Todd throws himself into the ice and freezes immediately. Then he shatters. Sub Zero wins. Fatality.

    EB: Well, Sub Zero is going to clean his ass up.
    SZ: Go suck on a teat.


What? No Glacier reference? For shaaaaame!




Kane: Come on! We've had midgets and fire and midgets and Trish as the slutty bridesmaid and midgets. What's not to like?
Lita: I guess it still beats anything on "The Bachelor"
Super Shane Spear
Bierwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: Sector 7 Slums

Since last post: 1506 days
Last activity: 1506 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.08
I *heart* Family Guy references.
bigredmachine29
Linguica








Since: 12.5.04
From: new jersey

Since last post: 3257 days
Last activity: 2717 days
AIM:  
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.67
Another great Satire, Hocking. The Sub-Zero thing was hilarious.
Big Bad
Scrapple








Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 34 min.
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.44
"A loser is you" has already become the new catchphrase between my friends and I. Thank you, Satire Man.



Net Hack Slasher
Banger








Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 3504 days
Last activity: 1924 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.12
A long one yet still really funny... HHH putting Batista over as the most feared man and Batista responds with doing a sissy pose HA

-TS: Hey…uh…what a bitch, huh, Tyson?
TT: ...
TS: Oh, I know!
-

lol great response by Tomko.

It's cute Kane going to Lita all happy about this month he will get them a PPV bonus. He is a good husband... Of course Satire was topped off with Dick Cheney telling someone to F off.



smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to ORANGE alert - High (Benoit lost the title to some punk kid named Orton, lets look at the positive at least it's a heel not named HHH who has the title, which allows two fresh faces battling for the World title.. whaat? excuse me? what happened on Raw! well scratch that... Over to Smackdown we wave at Justin Bradshaws title reign, I think I'm getting sea sick)- 8/22
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Another good column from Hot Newz. The predictions were funny. I especially like the teases at the end of the column.
- tomvejada, Hot Newz! (2002)
The W - Guest Columns - Come for the Satire, Stay for the Pants (8/30/04)Register and log in to post!

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