OMG I am bakc once agian on this very site! And the big newz is that WWE suxs now! Yes, WWEE-WEE (get it?) has sucked for years since da Rock went to Hollyswood and Austin beat teh shit out of Debra, but it suxs TOO FAR now! Firstly of all Eddie Guerrero is dead. I had the pleasure of pretending to interview Eddie for this very column and he was a pleausure to pretend to work with. He will be missed by all true fans of wrestling. And some FAKE fans of wrestling too! As well as that, Ric Flair put his wife in the figure four and when he heard the police sirens he bladed himself and when the cop ran in he said "she hit me first, wooo!" and did a Flair Flop the bastard! Then he got road rage and put a car in a figure four! And WWE has a new drug policy so dat means the SEXUALSTAR Christy Hemme has been fired (she's addicted to a new drug called snaggletooth that's SO NEW and kewl that you've never even heard of it that hotty) and Tajiri has had to quit (he smokes!) Plus MISTER Kennedy the hot new star for the future who's gimmick is saying his name then saying it again ten seconds later (IT'S SO CLEVER...I CANT EVEN TELL IF I'M BEING SARCASTIC ANYMORE...AND I DONT KNOW WHY I'M TYPING IN CAPS...LOL!) has torn his laxative mussle and will be out for two years! So I'm quitting reportinging on the WWE FOREEEEEVER after this colum! But I'm going to go oout in a blazing glory and SPOIL the WWE's extra special secret Smackdown in IRAQ tapings! You didnt know they were having one,d id you? That's because I have access to sources that your wildest dreams can't even dream about in there wildest dreams!
First I had to get ticktets to teh show so I decided to cash in on the favor owed to me by Vince McMahon NO NOT A SEXUAL ONE! You see, a few yeasr ago on Hot Newz I fantasy booked that the APA (Brad Shaw and Farouk in case u forgat!) went to a gay bar to find Billy and Chuck and beat up lots of transexuals and stuff (it was a gay AND transexual bar!) then da next week on Smackdown they did THE EXACT SAME ANGLE! I threatened to sue the WWE but there lawyer Jeremy McVittie begged me not to and said Vince would give me free tickets to ANY show if I didnt! I get into most shows free anyway because of my press pass so I waited and waited and finally there's a secret show that NOBODY'S supposed to know about and I'll be the ONLY internet jouranlist there! I called up Vince and demanded tickets (and I could hear Linda in the background saying "better do what he wants, snugglebear!") so Vince gave me then but then made me promise NOT to reveal the spoilers on the internet because it's such a special show and is the first show of the WWE's NEW badass Attitude 2 era which started with Tim White's suicide and more importanly it means so much to the troops. So I gave my word as a WWE fan that I would never reveal the results anywhere and Vince was happy...then after he hung up I LOLed evily for ten minutes! He bizzought it!
Vince wouldnt pay for my Flight to Iraq (cheap basterd!) so I had to make my own way there but luckily my uncle Barry is an airline pilot and he was flying to India or somewhere and that's near Iraq so he let me hitch a ride (business class all the way and the stewardesss were MORE than accomodating if you spy what I imply!) and droped me off at the Free Iraq Democratic Sports Arena (renamed from the Saddam Hussien Worship Temple and Sports Arena)!
When I go to my seat there was already some soldier guy sitting there and I was PISSED so I told him to move his army-ass! He asked me if I was in the army too and I said I was. He asked if I fought in the battle of Abbu Babu town and I said "Fought in it? Dood, I fucking pwned all the Iraqis and pratically took Abbu Babu all by myself!" Then he said "but there IS no Abbu Babu town, I just made it up! You're not in the army!" and looked like he was going to give me a stone cold stunner so I called over security and told them I know Vince and they dragged his ass out of there and I took the seat I'd worked hard for in the front row just in time to see Lillian bnedover as she got in the ring and flash her panties!
Lillian sang teh Oh Say Can U SEEEE song so i went for snacks!
First up JBL came out and said some crap about "shooting from the heart" and started going on about all the great work we're doing in Iraq (yawn!) so I booed constantly throughout the whole thing until finally Jillian Hall came out in a trenchcoat and said she had a special present for the troops and flashed her tats(~!) and everyone cheered except me because she's SUPPOSED TO BE A HEEL and the marks are ruining wrestling so I booed the ugly MOLEY-MINGER!
First match was Mexicools verses Kid Kash and Paul London and Spizzanky! London and Spanky were wearing fruity gold masks and carrying fruity gold swords so I guess they're frutiy gold heels now! When the Mexicols came out Juvi wasnt with them but then a minute later he came running out with a wild look in his eyes and flared nostrils and wearing nothing but a sock over his peni and testes! And he grabbed the mic from Jilian and I said "I am the extreme cock sock supercockstar and I am your lord and master, Iraq! Pisocosis and Super Crazy ain't in my league man they ain't even in my fish tank! I'm not drunk or high I'm just wired this way, baby! Whooo! WHOOO! Old man Triple H is so jealous that he holds me down and holds me under water man so I can't breath but guess what Jean Paul I got gills, man! And Kid Kash? The only reason they are the cruiserweight champion...is because Triple H doesn't want to work Tuesdays!" and nobody could believe this shooting coming form Juvi (because it sucked) then he started taking the sock off but Kid Kash just rolled him up for the pin. Then Juvi shrugged hid under the ring. And I could see London and Spanky crying under there masks but it served them right for selling out and leaving ROH. And I threw my soda over them.
Batista and Rey Rey are backstage talking about Eddie and Rey says "I'm gonna make Eddie proud tonight" and Batista nods and looks up at the ceiling. Then Melina walks in with bags under her eys and says "Look, drop the belts back! You don't need them! I'm not going to have sex with you this time though, I'm still tired from last time!" Batista sez "You say no, but what's to stop me from helping myself to your goods again anyway?" and Melina ran out in disgust the bitch and we all cheered (well, I did) because Melina is a slut and what does she expect with those skits she wears!
Next watch was Trish and Mickie versus Victoria and Torrie (did I mention that this was an intercontpromotional show? Because it was!) But before the match could even get started, Edge ran out wearing jeans and no shirt and SPEARED Trish right out of her boots (not literaly)! The other girls walked out then Edge got the mic and said "Huh, how you'd like that? Don't even think of cutting my mic! You see you all know that in wrestling storlines, in kayfabe, my name is Edge and I'm screwing Lita. But in real life, yeah I'm shooting here don't cut my mic, my name is Adam, Lita is Amy and I'm cheating on her with Trish! Don't cut my mic! Last night, I had intercourse with Trish and after she told me she forgot to use birthcontrol! So I just did a little birthcontrol of my own right there with that spear! You gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic, huh, cut my mic? Don't cut my mic! And why isn't Lita mad, you ask? Because she's so high on crack she doesn't know what day of the week it is! Huh, you gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic? Cut my mic, huh, cut my mic? My mic? You gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic, Vince? Cut my mic, Stephanie? Cut my mic? Don't cut my mic! You better not cut my mic! Don't cut my mic! You gonna cut my mic, huh...don't cut my mic! Cut my mic?" Then he looked around and waited for a minute and said "did you cunt my mic yet? No...you didn't! Because...umm...DAMN IT!" then just threw his mic down and ran walked backstage (they must have cut it!) Then Trish got up and grabbed the mic (it wasn't cut!) and said "but I took the pill this morning!"
Backstage Lita was wondering about looking CRACKED OUT when Matt Hardy ran over to her and said "hey HO I just wanna take this chance to say that I'm SOOOOO over you! I know I cried about our break-up for nearly a year, but that was like a just a work, bitch! I was getting heat, I never loved you! I've screwd all the Diva Search chicks in the last few months and ALL of them were a millions times better in bed than you! I'd rather take an Undertaker chokeslam than take you back! What do you think of that, HUUUUH?" Lita said "Uhh...what day of the week is this, Jeff?" then threw up on Matt's shoes!
Next up was Shawn Michales and Road Rage Ric Flair versus Triple H and Kurt Angle! And during the match refree Chioda was BUMPED and Davari ran out in a referee shirt and the guy next to me said "he thinks he can ref because it's his home town!" and I rolled my eyes and said "he's from Iran, STUPID!" But Sergant Slaughter pulled Davari out of the ring and pulled his referee shirt off and tried to put it on...but it got stuck around his fat neck! And Slaughter was choking and I was LOLing at him but then his face turned purple and I realised that this was a shoot so I did the X sign my hands but nobody came! Then I said "Hey Sarge, I guess Andre The Giant can't help you, can he? You know why? BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!" which I thought was a clever line (and it was!) but Slaughter was unconceesous now and couldnt laugh! And I had missed most of the match watching him becuase when I looked back at the ring Kurt Angle was out cold and had "COWARD" written on his back in yellow paint and Shawn, Flair and Triple H(!) were all doing crotch chops together and wearing DX t-shirts!!!!!!!!1
Lillian next said it was time for a special interview from...THE ROCK! Then The Rock appeared on the Titan tron to a big pop and he was standing in front of the Hollywood sign! And he said "Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK...to televison! It's been a long time, too long!, since the Rock laid the smacketh down in a WWE ring! But here I am again, even though I'm not under contract and don't have to do this, recording a special message...I mean, speaking LIVE to all the troops in Iraq! Listen, The Rock loves you guys, he loves what you're doing over there fighting for freedom and he wishes he was over there too but you know The Rock's got commitments over here! I'm playing Ken or Ryu or something in the new Mortal Kombat movie or something, hopefully y'all be home in time to see it! But if The Rock was over there he'd lay the Smackdown y'all know it: a rock bottom for Saddam, a people's elbow for Osama then The Rock would put George Bush in a sharpshooter and make him tap out like a drunk man...which he is! Wait wait, The Rock's just messin' wit ch'all, just because the Rock's in Hollywood doesn't mean the Rock's some lefty tree hugging liberal! No, The Rock would Never EEEEEEVER (that was one of mine, right?) hug a tree! In fact if the Rock was in a forest and there was nobody around, he'd take out the people's axe and chop DOWN all the tree's candyasses! And if one of those trees happened to land on a hotty female lumberjack, well, The Rock would give her the old kiss of life and then hopefully she'd give the Rock a slice of her POONTANG PIE! Anyway, The Rock's needs to go soon, Sarah Michelle Gellar is calling him, we're on the set of Southland Tales here I'm sure you've all read about it on the internet...hey Buffy, wanna send a special message to the troops...no? Oh, she doesn't have her make-up on yet, she's looking hella scary, it's just as well y'all don't have to see her like this! But rest assured, The Rock gets to tap that ass in the movie and he don't use NO jabroni body double! Listen, maybe I'll arrange a special screening of the movie over there for you guys with ten percent of the tickets for all you brave men and women, how does that sound? Have a happy Christmas and a merry new year IF YOU SMELLALALALALALALALA what the Rock...is sayin'! Cookin'! I meant cookin'! Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock! Kurt Angle! Tick tock!" Best intaview ever!
Next match was Batista Rey versus MNM for the tag titles! And when Melina did her slits going into the ring you heard her panties tear in half and Batista looked up her skirt and said "oh yeah, I'm having some of that later tonight!" Batista and Rey kicked MNM's asses the whole match but then Batista was standing against the ropes shaking them when suddely Rey gave him a 619 right in the groin! Then MNM pinned Batista to win the tag titles and Rey gave Batista another 619 (what a beatdown!) and said "You want to know why I'm doing this? Because it's what EDDIE would have wanted! Everyone knows he was going to turn heel on you at Survivor Series so I'm just continuing his legacy by turning on you now!" Then Dominic ran out and gave Batista a frog splash and turned to Rey and said "Finally I can be proud to call you...papi!" and hugged him!
Next up was Santa Vis (vis dressed as Santa!) and he had a big brown heaving sack! And Santa Vis said "Which littel boy OR GIRL would like a present from the Norht Pole's biggest love machine?" and Maria came out! Mariah said "Hi Santa Vis do you have a present? I'd be happy with a nice sweet candy cane to suck on!" and vis said "let's see what we got, sugar" and reach into his sack and pulled out a pair of kneepads! Maria looked disappointed and said "but I wanted something sweet to suck on!" and Vis said "Hey baby, if you wear these I've got somethign you can suck on all night long! Or you can put them on, turn around, kneel down and let Big Vis..." but then Matt Striker came out. Striker said "this is an abomination, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not giving presents and making crude sexual innuendo!" but Vis hit him in the back of the head with his sack then splashed him! Then Marai but the kneepads on and Vis grinned from ear to ear but Maria climbed to the top rope and gave Striker a flying kneedrop! Maria said "Oh, now I understand why you got me those kneepads, so I could do that!"
Next was Benoit verses Booker in match 48 of their best of 7 series with The Boogity Man as the special guest referee! Benoit had Booker pinned but Sharmell interfered so Benoit headbutted her like he did to STephaie McMahon that one time if you remember to the biggest pop I've ever heard but then the Boogity Man said "I'm the BOOGITY MAN! And I say...let them eat worms!" then suddenly the lights went out and when they came back the whole ring was turned into worms! And Booker was like "screw this dawg, I ain't fighting in no worms, suckaaa!" and walked backstage and Benoit just looked angry then he shook his head in disgust and started writing "T N A" in the air with his finger like Bret Hart in Montreal!
Now it werr time for the main even which was Randy Orton with his pops challengind John Cena for da WWE title! And Before the match Cena had a special rap for the troops.
Yo, yo, chill, chill, back once again and ready to thrill, My passion for grapplin' is a desire no Orton can kill, I play by my own rules, don't suck up to the boss, If JR's colon wasn't broken he'd call me a gangsta hoss! I'm as real as real can be, I was raised on the streets, Christmas time is coming, Santa's for real too and he's hading out treats! Some say I'm just for kids and little teenage girls, Listen, I'm mature, don't believe me, I'll flush your head in the potty and give you a SWIRL!
And everyone CHEERED because there's no rappers in Iraq so they think ANY rapping is good rapping due to lowered standards! Then Orton hit teh RKO right away but it didn't hurt Cena because the ring was still worms remember and worms are soft! Then Cena came back with the F-U on Orton in the worms but for some reason it hurt Orton (must be beacuse he's a heel!) but there was no referee! Then suddenly some rock music I've never heard before played and TIM WHITE ran out to an even bigger pop then Sharmell getting what she deserved! Tim was holding his chest where there was a massive bullet hole and he was covered in blood but he still counted the three! Hwoever when White raised Cena's hand in a sing of victory (as is traditional!) his shoulder popped out again so he grabbed it with both arms and suddenly blood went SPLURTING out of his chest all over the fans in the front row! Luckily I was holding up my "Who Booked This War?" sign and none of the blood went on me! Then the lights went out.............
..........when they came back on the ring was back to normal and not worms anymore and Cena was gone (YES!) and Tim White was gone two (to the morgue!?) so Randy and his dad were all alone! Then SUDDENLY the Undertaker came out slowly and Randy was shaking in fear and Undertaker spoked and you could hear him on the speakers even though he didn't have a mic (vodoo!) and he said "RANDY. I want to say something to you...I want you to have...a merry Christmas!" then he hugged him! Then they all just waved to the fans and walked backstage what a rip!
As Lillian was thanking as for coming all the troops were saying that a grate show it had been so I had to correct them and say "NO IT WASN'T IT SUCKED!" then I told them to invade japan next year so we can have some good wreslters on the show! And finaly the troops had had enough of me so they picked me up and carried me out of the arena! But I had the last laught becuz it was like bodysurfing and I love bodysurfing! Then they threw me in a trashcan outside. But then the army had to fly me back to the airport in a HELICOPTER GUNSHIP which was well kewl1!
Well HotNewzaholics that's IT for me I am DIZZONE it's over like RIZZOVER no more Hot Newz on the WWE from me EVER so I hope you enjoyed my Hot Newz over the last ten years because that's IT and ther'es no more EVER for any of you no matter how much you beg and how many hot pix all the girls send me I'm THREW with it no more WWE newz EVER so GOODBI and SO LONG, ding-dong!
I really shouldn't have read the spoilers for this one. I had promised myself that I wouldn't, but Tuesday night, a friend called up yelling, "Oh my god, have you read the spoilers???!!!" So I gave in. Serves me right for having friends.