I'd be afraid to say anything bad about Ann Coulter, out of fear she'd beat me to death with her huge cock.
Seriously, dude, she's got an Adam's Apple. She's not fooling anyone.
My absolute first crush, and I'm shocked we haven't seen her name more in a board full of wrestling fans, was the lovely Miss Elizabeth.
Other old ones that have faded over time: *Cindy Crawford
*Jeneane Garafalo - The blond hair isn't working for her, like, at all, and she's taking the whole "I don't give a damn about my appearance" gimmick way too far these days, but I defy anyone - I don't care how far to the right they are - to watch old reruns of "The Ben Stiller Show" and not be completely and totally in love with her.
*Lita - Nothing to do with Edge/Matt Hardy here, she's just become increasingly more "busted", I do believe the kids say, as time rolls on.
*Stephanie McMahon - Does anyone remember how cute she used to be before she became Chyna?
*Thora Birch - Never been more in love with a fictional character than Enid in "Ghost World", but once the rumors about Fred Durst started up, this one faded pretty quickly. Even in dreams, I've got no desire to go anywhere he's been first. You could get syphillis just thinking about it.
*Christina Ricci - Actually, I'm not sure which list she belongs on. She's on the current list the years she eats, this list otherwise.
CURRENT: *Natalie Portman - You know what sealed the deal? When she started making the rounds to support Episode III while shooting V Is For Vendetta and she was still unspeakably gorgeous bald. Almost no one can pull that off.
*Keira Knightley - If you've got Natalie Portman on your list, you really ought to have Keira as well.
*Maggie Gyllenhaal - Did anyone else see her on Conan back when she was promoting "Secretary" and talking about all the research she had to do into the BDSM lifestyle to prepare for the role? I don't know what it says about me that I've been completely in love with her since that night, but I'm a little worried.
*Tina Fey - Dammit, she needs to get back from maternity leave and quick. There's been no reason at all to watch SNL thusfar.
*Michelle Branch - Before she went into her punk rock phase, my sister had a brief stretch where she was really into those super-dreary borderline Christian rock bands that stunk up the radio around 2001. Her favorites were Lifehouse, a band so dull they made Nickelback look like Van Halen.
Anyway, about two weeks after 9/11, they came through town and shockingly (and disappointingly), the show wasn't cancelled. So I decided to be a nice guy and I took her, even though I've never been the type of person comfortable in a crowded area where everyone's t-shirt has a corporate logo remodeled to say something about Jesus. (Man, did she get pissed when I gave the bands that "devil sign" thing after a song. You've got to make your own fun.)
It was a remarkably tiny club and since we certainly weren't in anything resembling a mosh pit crowd, we were about six, maybe seven feet from the stage. The first opening act was an incredibly forgettable group called The Calling. And the second was some girl I had never heard of named Michelle Branch.
Oh my fucking god.
The set was just okay - although in between those two bands it sounded like the greatest music in the world. But she was just so impossibly beautiful, the whole thing was captivating. And I swear to god we made eye contact for, like, fifteen seconds.
The greatest thrill of my life.
EDIT: Hit submit before I finished that overlong and pointless ancedote.
(edited by OlFuzzyBastard on 13.10.05 0907) "That's my problem - I'm too frank. That's why my mother shoved me down the stairs. But then she is fat."
Originally posted by OlFuzzyBastardThora Birch - Never been more in love with a fictional character than Enid in "Ghost World", but once the rumors about Fred Durst started up, this one faded pretty quickly. Even in dreams, I've got no desire to go anywhere he's been first.
I was like that with Carmen Electra. I just could never get into anyone (no pun intended) after Dennis Rodman and Dave Navarro had been there first.
"Oh it's on like Donkey Kong !!!" - Stifler, American Wedding
Because I'm an idiot, I spent too much money on a plane ticket back East to Toronto so that people I left a couple of years ago can dominate my time and ensure that I return to Calgary more tired than before I went on "vacation".