Hello and welcome to another week of what is quickly becoming one of my favorite car wrecks in some time. Did you like the title up there? I thought since it worked for Impact, if could work here too. Okay, here's what we learned this week. Trace? Not a big fan of them people that don't speak English. Lennox Lewis is good for about one speech per episode. David Hyde Pierce is a DYNAMIC personality that can hardly be contained in SDTV. I think our boy Vinny Mac and Carol Alt might have a few sparks. And finally, the man from the Sopranos isn't a fan of the mob per say, but it works.
The Contenders 1. Piers Morgan (4-0 overall; 0-0 Project Manager; 1 last week) 2. Stephen Baldwin (4-0; 1-0; 2)
It was a matchup that was due since the show started, but round one was pretty weak, as it fizzled out right when it was getting good. And by fizzled, I mean Piers basically kicked his ass in verbal warfare, and then kicked his ass by getting a big sale, and then kicked his ass putting on a costume and physically selling tickets, and then kicked his ass by getting to flirt with Ivanka. Sorry, Iv-Anka.
So they did kiss and make up later, but that should've been a quick wake-up call for Stephen. He Talking Headed that he thought he was evenly matched with Piers. No you are not sir. Matter of fact, the only advantage you have is your star power, and Piers pulled rank on that this week too. SHAPE UP.
3. Tito Ortiz (4-0; 1-0; 3)
I don't think Tito really did anything to lose his spot here. If you're Tito and you're going to take a figurative day off, this would be the one to take. Tito going invisible during this task was good for him because I seriously doubt he knew the inner workings of Broadway. Plus, how can I drop a guy that has a soft spot for kids. Awww Tito. You hold that child like you hold that cage.
The good people on the bad team 4. Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth (0-4; 0-1; 4)
Okay, here where being on the show really pays off. Much like its cousin, Survivor, the main question that comes up before a merge is do you vote off the strong now for self-preservation or do you get rid of the weakest link and keep the team strong? Omarosa (and Nely to a lighter respect, but that got more respect than it should have from the guys) talked Marilu into getting rid of one of the two people not in the kliq. Being Jenny and Carol. "Hopefully Carol," thinks Omarosa. Omarosa vs Carol will be awesome when it comes down to a head, because they're Trump's two favorites on the women's side.
5. Carol Alt (0-4; 0-0; 5)
Carol is in a very strange place in that the teammates seem to hate her for some reason. To the point that we're now calling out strategy and declaring people flying under the radar. But Trump loves her, and everyone important to him seems to like her too. Vince McMahon did everything but ask for her number on camera. Carol may catch Omarosa soon.
The Invisibles 6. Lennox Lewis (4-0; 0-0; 6)
7. Trace Adkins (4-0; 0-0; 7)
This man is either redefining flying under the radar or the guys are setting him up to be fall guy.
8. Marilu Henner (0-4; 0-1; 9)
Well, that was a freebie. Marilu basically looked like the cat that ate the canary after silently and quickly escaping the boardroom. No mention of the huge homecourt choke job by the six time Broadway star. She just quietly sat back and let Omarosa try to dispose of Carol Alt. So she faded out as beautifully faded in. See you in three weeks!
The Useless 9. Vincent Pastore (4-0; 1-0 [i guess]; 8)
Way to go buddy. Another smart move by giving your win as Project Manager to Piers. This was just one of the things to love about Vincent now that they seem to have put him front and center. As seen about, he supports the mafia, or at least the idea of it. Also, he was such an asshole that Omarosa was really taken aback. Really taken back, not that fakey thing she always does. For a better visual example, remember that episode of The Office(US) where Michael is singing Happy Birthday in like four different keys and they pan to Andy of all people who is disgusted. Whew. I should've just said "Pussy sucks ass....fuck shit cock."
10. Nely Galán (0-4; 0-1; 11)
Well, she that Koops and runs away lives to Koop another day I suppose. But Jesus Christ, again with the screw-up? Now you got people showing up about five minutes after the game was over? By the way, the editors hate you too, judging by how quickly they gave up on you. They had a ticking countdown clock and around 1:34 they just said "Well, fuck this then" and gave up. Never seem a countdown clock not at least hit 0:00.
The Dead 11. Jennie Finch
Oh Jennie Jennie who can I turn to? Jennie gets a quick send-off in a this is not your world way. Hope you had fun working as a cashier for a few days. Might be foreshadowing for you and Mr. Daigle in about three years.
I never thought I'd see David Hyde Pierce and Vince McMahon on the same screen, but there it was. I guess we'll know if Vince was offended if a new prissy therapist/manager named Miles Heron shows up on Smackdown next week.
How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?
Great review, John. It's the polar opposite of Harry Knowles' batshit-insane (pun intended) review. (aintitcool.com) My favorite line: Exactly. There are several problems with this movie, but none of them ruined it for me.