Last Week: Triple H made the Internet cry when he took control of its avatar Eugene. The Coach hit on some dudes, which pissed off Brock Lesnar to no end. And Kane got a baby and a title shot at least one of which will make an appearance…TONIGHT!
Hey! It’s Evolution! I love how embarrassed the rest of them look when Dave starts posing. It’s like “Oh, God, here he goes again. I wish he’d stop that crap. Are you rolling your eyes, Orton, you’d better not be rolling your eyes at Dave…MAN that crap is stupid.” Still more impressive than Jindrak, though, I guess. Huzzah for Dave!
HHH: I am out here tonight to let everyone beg for me to go to Smackdown and be champion. Come on. Looks like the grass is greener on the Triple H side of the fence, eh?! EH?!
Eugene comes out.
ED: PLEASE, HUNTER!! Only YOU can save Smackdown! PLEASE! HHH: Hehehehehehehe…No. So, what’s going on with you this week, Eugene? ED: I’m conflicted, Hunter, I mean…Did Chris Benoit, the man to whom we’ve all promised our firstborns, really hit me? I mean…in the words of a very famous man “WTF”? DBD: Where’s…The…FARM?! HHH: I’ll tell you where the farm is, Eugene! The farm is right here with Evolution! DBD: YAY! HHH: You can trust us! What more favorable group in history is there than Evolution? Huh? I’ll tell you the absolute truth about why Chris Benoit attacked you! I’ll tell you why Smackdown sucks so hard! ED: But Randy Orton is overpushed and Dave Davidson is a stiff! And Ric Flair is really mean to Mick Foley in his book! RF: I took his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY, WOOO! ED: And he just called me fat! HHH: Eugene…settle down. The reason Smackdown sucks is because the internet can only stand to like one show at a time. If there’s nothing to complain about, everybody on the ‘Net will lose their jobs and spiral into a web of depression and crossdressing. To preserve the lives of our beloved Internet columnists, Stephanie, Nibblins, and I fixed Smackdown. We are awesome. ED: Wow. That’s the nicest thing that anybody has ever done! HHH: And the reason why Benoit hit you is because…well…he’s changed. He’s let the whole champion thing go to his head. I know it hurts to hear this, Eugene, but he’s gone evil! I mean think about it, he’s holding everyone down! Who, since Wrestlemania, has put himself over HHH and Shawn Michaels, two Hall of Famers, twice! And who holds down young up and comers like Kane? ED: Chris Ben…Oh…no! HHH: I know, I know…It hurts…it just makes me want to…to…PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!
William Regal comes down.
WR: What a bunch of crap! Smackdown sucks because you people don’t know how to tell a story and Benoit isn’t a heel…. RF: I’ll CUT YOU! SAY THAT AGAIN AND I’LL CUT YOU! WR: He’s the only sane one around here. You deserved that chair shot, Eugene. Look at you, you’re practically sleeping with Triple Haitch now. Is that what it’s come to, boy? What of workrate? ED: Oh, snap. You might be right. Hunter, pull off a bunch of suplexes, quick! HHH: Oh, come on…. WR: You can’t, can you?! See? No workrate! ED: Damn, William. HHH: What is it Eugene? Are you going with that guy and his fictional, nonsensical, mythological “workrate” or me and my real knowledge of how things are booked and willingness to job. ED: I…Oh man…I don’t know….
Eric Bischoff comes out.
EB: This segment has gone on just long enough. HHH v. Regal with special guest referee Eugene…TONIGHT! WR: I vant to suck your blood. HHH: Huh? WR: Ehem…I mean…uh…never mind. HHH: Oh.
Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Chris Jericho and Edge Tian
I wonder if Edge can tell me where Chris Tian is. Randy is still passed out in the corner. Still on the dessert island? Jericho’s pyro sets off the fire alarm and now everything is wet. I hope that shiny shirt is machine washable. The crowd cleverly chants along with the alarm “Needs…More…KANE…Needs…More…KANE.” Dave is proud of their cadence, and then he looks up cadence in the dictionary. Is that like Garrison Cadence? We’ll find out right after these….
Or not. Look it up yourselves, you lazy bums. Jericho goes for the Lionsault but slides right out of the ring in a pool of water. It’s like a Slip N Slide! Randy wakes up, but sees that Jericho slipped and didn’t just fall over, so he passes out again. Orton doesn’t quite win!! Edge and Dave fight back and forth for a little while about whose out of ring mannerisms are less becoming of a beefy, manly wrestler. Brock Lesnar will kill the loser. It’ll be on that Goldberg-Hogan-Austin PPV. I hope Jake Roberts showed up drunk! Then I’ll order it. Jericho gets back up and goes for a pin on Orton, but Batista pulls him off and clotheslines Randy. Then Edge and Jericho beat him up and pin him. Huzzah!
Backstage with Triples H and Naitch….
RF: I can’t believe you let all these people get away with exposing the business, Hunter, I thought you had more respect than that! HHH: Ric, you know me better than that! Come on, you know that as soon as I’ve sucked in all those bastards on the Internet, I’m going to unleash the HHH/Stephanie sex tape, and they’ll be ours forever. They’ll listen to whatever the hell we say, then kayfabe will be back, and we’ll be able to bring back the good old days of Mantaur and Berzerker! TB: HUSS HUSS! RF: Thank God.
In New York….
JC: Welcome to Diva Search Week Two, I’m your host The Coach! SG: And I’m still…sigh…some girl. JC: Let’s see what hotties we’ve got this week! Contestant one, what’s your name? LS: Hello, I am a hot chick. RVD: Duuuude, you’re doing this all wrong! TD: I told you you should have let me be the girl! Dammit! JC: Congratulations…uh…Halle, you’re moving on to the next round! LS: Oh boy?
LT: Waaaaaaaah! MDS: What’s going on? Are you sad you weren’t in the Diva search? LT: No! Haven’t you been paying attention? I’m pregnant with Kane’s baby, and now Matt Hardy doesn’t want to marry me anymore. This sucks! MDS: Oh. Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. LT: WHAT?! MDS: I mean, think of it this way, you don’t know who the baby’s dad is, right? LT: Yeah…. MDS: Well, if you die, they could make a My Two Dads remake with Kane and Matt. Just THINK about how much brighter that would make the world. LT: I guess that doesn’t sound sooooo bad? In fact…it sounds hilarious! Get my agent on the phone!
Now, Jim Ross is going to interview Kane.
JR: Do you think the show needs more you? KN: Yes. JR: Uh…Ok. Question number two…Why did you have sex with Lita…I mean…Lita?!…? KN: Beca…I can’t do this, Jim. JR: What’s wrong? KN: Undertaker, get out here!! VoU: Would it be ok if I’m represented by my bodiless voice? KN: Yes. That’s fine. Undertaker, why did you do it? Why did you kill my daddy? VoU: Well…It’s complicated…. KN: Is it because I killed your dad all those years ago? VoU: Well…. KN: Undertaker, as you may or may not know, I’m about to become a father myself, and I really need some stability in my personal life. I don’t know if you’re intentionally putting all this extra pressure on me by burying my father in oatmeal before he could meet his grandchild. This really hurts, Taker. This REALLY hurts. VoU: I just…I just don’t like fat people. You know? Kamala, Yokozuna…they just really get on my nerves. I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. KN: Oh…well…I guess I can respect that. But no more killing our family. Ok? VoU: Deal. JR: A truly heart-warming moment, folks.
Matt Hardy runs out to get a part of this family reunion, unfortunately The Police (w/ Sting) don’t realize it’s him and they beat him down with a flashlight.
Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. William Regal With Special Guest Referee Eugene
It gives a new definition to “Special” Guest Referee. HaHA! Regal takes control early, but Eugene pulls him off when he sees that Regal is calling his spots. Then Hunter takes over, but he gets warned for overusing the knee. Regal moves in for the OMG CHINLOCK~! but Eugene breaks that up because everybody hates restholds. Flair gets up on the apron, but everybody ignores him. Then Eugene disqualifies Regal for not selling HHH working the arm. Eugene and Regal argue for a bit about how hurt Regal’s arm would be if HHH actually armbared as often as he did, and then Regal kicks Eugene in the chest. Eugene is so pissed off that he punches Regal in the calf.
La Resistance v. Sargent Slaughter and Rhyno
Sarge?! Holy cow, man. I wonder if he’s on the Iraqi governing council? I think Sarge was confused and thought that Rhyno was Captain Gridiron. I know for a fact that the Captain doesn’t work Heat. Can I tell you something, I think La Resistance would have made awesome Cobra enemies. A Canadian guy who thinks he’s French and an American guy who thinks he’s Canadian…that’s gold baby. Sarge goes for the Cobra Clutch to try to put out Sylvan, but Rob breaks it up. Rhyno runs around the ring. I guess he’s just happy to be out there tonight. Then Sarge blows up. He should get in better shape. I guess La Resistance wins.
HHH: Eugene, thanks for helping me hold down Re…I mean…win. ED: No problem, Hunter. You were right about him. Regal really doesn’t “get it”. HHH: Yeah. What a jerk. ED: I can’t believe I gave his match against Benoit five stars. More like no stars because they both SUCK! DBD: That is my GIMMICK! ED: Oh, sorry.
JC: And let’s see our next contestant, ma’am your name, please? TM: Uh…The Mountie…na…. SG: Ok, Tina, what makes you think you should win Diva Search 2004? TM: Because, The Mountina always gets…er…her man. JC: Oo! That’s Hot! You’re definitely moving into the next round. SG: Maybe one of these times we’ll get a girl.
In Bischoff’s office….
RF: WOO! And that’s when I took a crap in his bag! EB: Ok, Ric, don’t make me make you get back on the bus to the crazy house. RF: Send me to the crazy house? I’m already crazy! Send me to the crazy house?! I’M ALREADY CRAZY!! JC: Hey, guys, I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired. HaHA! EB: What the hell do you want, Coach? RF: Did you bring back any hot bitches for the Naitcha Boy? WOO! JC: No, Sorry, Ric. RF: Aw. JC: I want to be in charge next week, Eric. EB: No. I’m leaving Eugene in charge. JC: You fool! Do you REALLY want the Internet to book this show? EB: It can’t be any worse than Russo. JC: I…I guess….
On Smackdown: Bradshaw won the title by lighting more lights than the little guy. And Undertaker killed Kane’s father with some oats. Mmmm…what a tasty way to die.
Kane v. Chris Benoit For the WWE World Title
Ms. Garcia introduces us to the rules of the match. Benoit can only win by submission. Kane can win any other way, including eating an entire taco, lighting Lillian on fire, or completing a paint by number of a large purple square. Kane lights Lillian on fire. NO! You’re not supposed to do it BEFORE the match starts. Shoot.
Kane and Benoit trade punches. Wouldn’t it be much funner if they traded spaces? Kane could light Chris’ room on fire, and Benoit could suplex all of Kane’s furniture. Awesome. See, WWE Films actually has some brilliant stuff, if only they would do it. Benoit hits a suplex and the crowd wakes up and yells “OMG BENOIT~!” and then dozes off again.
Benoit goes for a pin. Is he even paying attention? Am I? Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Benoit doesn’t have a neck. Wow. That’s some pretty advanced tactics there. Then Kane and Benoit roll around on the ground for a while. This is the most crazy go nuts main event since…what main evented last week? Benoit finally goes for some restholds to try to get Kane to tap out, but Kane doesn’t know the meaning of the word “Quit”. Ever helpful, Dave Davidson runs out with his dictionary and opens up to the Qs. Kane taps to my favorite submission move…uh…”Benoit puts his arm over the guys face.”
After the match, Lita runs out and starts hitting Kane in the pecs. You might break his pec implants! Nobody punches you in the boobs do they? DO THEY?! That’s what I thought. Kane is going to fight back, but this isn’t Jerry and that’s his baby momma. Then Benoit punches Kane in the balls. Damn. What a bitch Benoit is.
Next Week: Triple H and Eugene ruin wrestling. Kane and Matt Hardy have a slap fight. Oh, and more DIVA SEARCH, BABY, HELLS YEAH!
Lance and Rob Are Friends Chapter Eight : “I want to be the bitch.”
LS: What the hell are we doing in New York anyway? The gopher is in the south. RVD: Duuuude, we’re totally out of money. We need cash fast. LS: Well maybe if you would have showed up for your scheduled match last night, you could have gotten some Smackdown money. TD: Lance, you know very well that Smackdown money is only good for items from the Shopzone. LS: Well maybe they have a fricking Jade Gopher on there. RVD: Yeah! All Right!! TD: Come on, man. We’ve got a plan. LS: I’m still not sure about this…you want us to enter the $250,000 DIVA search? We’re not Divas. RVD: Speak for yourself, dude. I’m such a Diva. Yeah! All Right!! TD: Yeah, Beulah and I have been practicing. She’s the butch and I’m the bitch. LS: Well…fine. I guess all that money could be worth it. So who’s going to do themselves up in drag?
LS: I can’t believe I’m doing this. RVD: Duuuude…you are SO hot. If I weren’t married and so damned high right now, I’d totally make out with you. TD: This sucks. I want to be the bitch. All that practice doesn’t matter! Why oh why did I agree to be her Bob? She told me it was HARDCORE!! SHE TOLD ME IT WAS HARDCORE!!
Tommy breaks down crying.
RVD: Uh…get in there and win us some money, dude. LS: What should I say my name is? RVD: Uh…Halle Berry? Yeah! All Right!!
JC: Welcome to Diva Search Week Two, I’m your host The Coach! SG: And I’m still…sigh…some girl. JC: Let’s see what hotties we’ve got this week! Contestant one, what’s your name? LS: Hello, I am a hot chick. RVD: Duuuude, you’re doing this all wrong! TD: I told you you should have let me be the girl! Dammit! JC: Congratulations…uh…Halle, you’re moving on to the next round! LS: Oh boy? RVD: Yeah! All right!! In two weeks time we’ll take the world by Storm! Lance Storm!! LS: Dude, shut up! TD: Yeah…then we’ll totally get enough money to chase the Jade Goher and Sort-of-pissed off Fish around the country. LS: SHUT UP! Do you want to get us kicked out. If they find out we’re dudes, they’re going to cut us. CC: What’s up, vatos? LS: Chavo Classic?! JM: And I’m Josh Matthews. LS: Josh Matthews?!?! RVD: Oh, great, now we’ll never win.
TM: I know I saw them go this way. How strange how they’re not following the Gopher and Fish anymore. Diva Hopeful: Hi, are you here for the contest? TM: Uh…what contest? DH: Diva Search 2004, of course! TM: Yes. Yes I am. For I am the Mountie and I always get my man. DH: You go girl.
JC: And let’s see our next contestant, ma’am your name, please? TM: Uh…The Mountie…na…. SG: Ok, Tina, what makes you think you should win Diva Search 2004? TM: Because, The Mountina always gets…er…her man. JC: Oo! That’s Hot! You’re definitely moving into the next round. SG: Maybe one of these times we’ll get a girl. TM: Haha…I will get you Storm, Van Dam, and…uh…the other guy! SG: Tommy Dreamer? TM: Yeah, that’s it. SG: What the hell are we even doing? I hate my job.
Coach spreads his arms and flies away….
(edited by Excalibur05 on 29.6.04 1358) Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
-Hey! It’s Evolution! I love how embarrassed the rest of them look when Dave starts posing. It’s like “Oh, God, here he goes again. I wish he’d stop that crap-
Haha, I do believe Batista is desperate to find his own entrance pose. Orton got the cool stand on turnbuckle/ rotating camera pose. HHH has his whale blowhole pose, Flair got the strut. Batista wants something so he just starts flexing and it just looks a little lame IMO (I guess yours and evolutions as well LoL). Maybe Batista needs to pull his tights up in a wedgie position and skip to the ring, or not.
-LT: Waaaaaaaah! MDS: What’s going on? Are you sad you weren’t in the Diva search?-
I really had a Stacy's initial response to an upset Lita. Real nice connection to the previous segment.
-Sarge?! Holy cow, man. I wonder if he’s on the Iraqi governing council?-
smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to YELLOW alert - Elevated (JBL is the new WWE champion, good gawd hide under the desk. But Benoit is World Champion allowing some safety in the IWC)- 6/28
I love reading these--they have a sense of clarity that most analysis lacks, and it's possible to compare shows on a standard scale, even if it's your personal scale. Consistently pretty darn accurate, IMO. MM