I am back with even more Hot Newz doodz!!!! and the big newz this week is that Vince McMahon has FINALY taken my advice and is letting internet smart smark marks book teh next pey per view, Ta-Booh Tuesday! The results of EVERY SINGLE MATCH will be decided by voters on WWE.com so be sure to vote for Benoit, Jericho, Gail Kim and Christian to win because they are da best! Unless they've fighting each other, vote for a draw then!!!!
Big Bossman died! But it's not all sad newz because here's a tribute to his career and his life written by me!!!!
Bossman was one of the greatest superstars not just in the WWE but also in ALL OF WRESTLING. Bossman was a prison guard in the mid eighties in the prison where Vince McMahon was doing time for selling steroids to Hulk Hogan! And one day in prison a group of prisoners lead by Keven "Nailz" Kelly (he got the name because he likes to "nail" men if u know what I mean!) attaced Vince in the showers and Nailz was about to nail (rape!) Vince when suddenly Bossman jumped into the shower and fought them off! And Bossman's clothes got all wet becaue the showers were on but he didn't even care and Vince was impressed and said "Kid you saved me from a sore bottom how can I repay you kid?" and Bossman said "Make me a wrestler and all the heels will be serving HARD TIME!" and Vince said "DONE!" and shook his hand! Then Hulk Hogan changed his story on the Areseholio Hall show and said that he didn't buy the roids from Vince at all he bought them from Andre The Giant (who was dead now so he couldn't be arrested!) and Vince got out of prison and broughtt the Bossman to the WWF with him! Bossman made his debut by arresting Rick Rude for sleeping with another man's (Jake the Snake's!) wife at Summerslam 90! Bossman quickly became the second most popular star in wrestling behind only Hulk Hogan because everyone loves kickass police officers! WCW even tried to counter Bossman's popularity by signing RoboCop to a ten match deal, but the fans hated him and chanted "robot go home!" everytime he wrestled!
Bossman continued to dominate for years and for all of 1992 was inovlved in a LEGANDERY feud with The Repo Man after Repo "repoed" Bossman's undefeated streak by beating him! Bossman got revenged at Summerslam but then a big guy attacked Bossman and slammed him for the first time in his career! This big claimed to be NAILZ from Bossman's prison days but it was actually just an actor hired to play him because Vince is scared of the real Nailz! But the guy was a method actor(~!) and tried to rape (sexually assualt!) Vince one day becaus he was so into the character so Vince had to fire him! So this left Bossman with no oponent for Royal Rumble 93 so Bossman agreed to put Bam Bam Bigelow over at the show provided he got his win back in the main event at WrestleMania 11 in two years! Vince agreed with this, but tragedy struck the next night on RAW. Doink Teh Clown was supposed to spray silly string in Bossman's eyes but he accidently picked of Miss Elizabeths pepper spray by accident and Bossman was BLINDED! Doctors said there was only a 10% chance Bossman would ever be abel to see again so Vince had no choice but to fire his ass! Vince was then forced to changed the scheduled WrestleMania 11 match to Bigelow versus LT (a mighty fine man!) because he couldnt have a blind man wrestling. But WCW was DESPERAT for ex-WWF stars so they signed the Blind Bossman!
Bossman's eyesite returned the next day (if only Vince had waited!) and he made his debut for WCW at Bash At the Beach when he saved Sting from an attack by Vader and Robocop (who had turned heel and painted himself red, the colour of blood) when he threw Robocop in the ocean and he short-circuited! But because Big Bossman was his WWF name they had to come up with a new name for him in WCW but they couldnt decide on one so he had many names including: The Guardian Angel, The Boss, The Guardian Boss, The Big Angel, Big Ross Man, Large In Charge Male, Firebreaker Chip, Ray "The Trailor" Traylor and finally Big Bubba Boss! Bossman won all the WCW titles then joined the NWO to bring "law and order to the New World Order!" But then the NWO rewmembered that they are LAWLESS so they ran Bossman over (with a car) and he had to have neck surgery and was out of action for two years. Just when it seemed like his historic career was over, history had other ideas and history came calling (in the form of Vince McMahon!) and Bossman took the next historic step in the next historic chapter of his(toric) life when he returned to WWF ATTITUDE in 1998!
Bossman quickly started a feud with Steve Austin because "people who drink beer and do drugs don't respect the law!" but for the first time in his career he was a heel! Bossman also became the first man to EVER beat Mick Foley in a hardcore match at this time when he beat him for the hardcore title! Bossman had some of the greatest hardcore matches in history until he lost the belt to Al Snow. This lead to one of the greatest mystery angle of the nineties: who kidnapped Pepper Al Snow's dog!? Bossman then strangely became Al Snows best friend and gave him the phone number of the person who kidnapped Pepper! It was Val Venises number so Al went over to Val's house and broke his legs! But when Al left the house, Bossman ran him over (in his car) and pinned him to win the hardcore titel (24/7 rules!) then said "want a stake? A PEPPER STAKE?" and forced fed Pepper to SNow! Al eventualy got his revenged in the legandery "dog pound from hades" match but the trauma has suffered from losing his dog meant that he was never the same agayne and he quite wrestling to become the star of hit reality tv show Tuff Enuff. But Bossman moved on to his most well known feud of all, with The Big Show! Big Show had just discovered that Andre The Giant was NOT his dad and that his real father was in the hospital on a life support machine! But Bossman was friends with ANdre in the eighties so he got angry about this and smashed up the life support machine with a hammer and Bossman's real dad died! Bossman then hit Show with the hammer and read out this classic poem which all true wrestling fans can recite...
With the deepest regrets, because I'm really really sad, I'm sorry that I had to pull the plug on your dad, He lived a full life on his own terms, You were the product of one of his sperms, But if I had a son with as low a workrate as you, I'd have wished for euthanasia, so I could die too, So be brave, be strong, it's hard I know, BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG NASTY BASTARD AND YOUR MOMMA SAID SO!
Bossman took things one step further at Show's dad's funeral. Show was now the hardcore champion, so Bossman showed up at the graveyard to wrestle him (24/7!) but Show said "Not now man I'm at a funeral!" so Bossman tied a rope to the coffin and dragged it away (in his car) and Show jumped on the casket to try to stop him! But Bossman swerved the car and Big Show fell in the mud and the casket landed on top of him! Bossman then counted the pinfall and said "Now your dead daddy is the hardcore champion, Show!" Show eventually got revenge in a buried alive match, but Bossman one a moral victory by sleeping with Show's mother the next day.
Bossman continued to wrestle in the WWF and WWE for many years then becamer a trainer in OVW. He was 42 years old when he died of a massive heart attack. He will be missed.
The WWE has managed to work the internet yet AGAYNE, Charlie Hass and Miss Jackie are NOT really engaged! It's all just an angle and in three weeks theyll get married on Smackdown! And Tazz will perform the ceremoney (he got ordained on the internet!) but before they can say "I do!" Dawn Marie comes out as the EVIL maid of honor (not at all like when Trish did it!) and sez "hey this wedding can NOT go ahead because look who I had sex with last night" and on the ovaltron you see Dawn in bed with a man...but the man rolls over and it's TAZZ! Then Charlie's eyes pop out in surprise and Tazz puts him in the tazzmission! And Dawn puts Jackie in the tazzmission! Then Tazz said "Dawn Marie was JUST ANOTHA VICTUM...of the human SEX machine, ahahahahaha!" and they are the new heel couple and Teddy Long invents the mixed tag team titles for them to fued with Charlie and Jackie over!
Mick "best selling offer" Foley and John "Brad Shaw" Layfiled had a debate on CNNBNC political channel, or something! I didnt watch it (I HAVE A LIFE!) but I imagine it went something like THIS. JBL says "We should turn Iraq into a freakin' parking lot...again!" and Foley says "no that would be wrong and I'll tell you why in my NEW BOOK BANG BANG!" and JBL says "you're soft on crime, soft on mexicans, and soft on the causes of mexicans!" then foley says "that may be so but...BANG BANG!" and jumps into the crowd with a flying elbow!
RANDOM SIGN IDEAS
Stephanie McMAN('S VOICE!)
Maven Put My Butt In This Seat!
Heidenreich Put My Butt On HIS Seat!
I Forgot My Sign!
I Can't See Beacause Christy's GIANT HEAD Is Blocking My View
Lita, If You Want Another Baby...Don't Look At Me You Skank!
Gail Kim Can Make Me Submit Anytime...In Bed!
No Mercy is going to suck and it's this Sunday! And heres my 100 percent accurate educated guesses as to what's going to happen!
Right at the start of the show Heid-En-Reich comes out and says "Okay Michael Cole you lucky lucky man it's time for our date!" and grabs Cole and drags him away while Tazz just shrugs (foreshadowing his coming heel turn!) The THE CAT ERNEST MILLER(~!) come out and says "a chance for The Cat Ernest Miller to show his quality...the very highest! Somebody call my momma!" and puts on his ruby slippers and dances on the announce table before joining Tazz!
Spike Dudley versus Nunzio
Before the match Nunzio takes the mike and says "hey whatsa matta, I'ma face now, cheer for me, eh forget about it!" so the fans will cheer him and Johnny the Bull runs in during the match and slides a pizza into the ring and Nunzio slams Spike onto it and gets the pin! Then Nunzi shows the camera that it was a stuffed crust pizza but the crust was stuffed with STEEL! Then Nunzio says "now that's what I call using your noodle!" and Johnny says "but Nunz, we didn't use a noodle, we used a pizza!" and Nunzio slaps him and says "hey, forget about it!" and Johnny says "Why you always hitting me on the head!" and eats the pizza, steel and all!
Michale Cole is in the backseat of a limo with Heidenrike! And Heidenreich is making him put on a dress! And Cole starts crying and Heidenriech says "look you have to wear it, otherwise people might think I'm a queer!" and Cole says "Let me go or I'll scream!" and Heiderneich laughs and says "scream all you want baby, there ain't nobody around to hear it!" and Cole says "what about the driver?" but then the limo driver turns round and it's PAUL HEYMAN dressed as a limo driver and he says "Did somebody speak? I didn't hear a damn thing!" and Cole cries again while Heidenrieck forces panties on him!
Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree versus Rob Van Damn and Rey Mysterious
RVD and Rey do lots of spots but Kenzo slows them down and carries the match because he's Japanese and they have better physcology than us but then Tony Chimel says "this match is a TEN MINUTE DRAW!" just when Rey hits the 691 and RVD says "relax dude, it might be a draw, but at least we can still get high...on drugs!" and he and Rey go backstage to smoke pot!
Paul London versus Billy Kidman
Before the match Billy orders Tony Chimel to announce him as MISTER William Kidman Esquire because he's a heel now! And Paul London is kicking ass like he used to do in ROH(~!) and he goes up top and says "and no for MY shooting star press!" and the fans pop because they've all seen ROH tapes but then Chavo Guererro comes out riding on Pepe the Wooden Horse! And London is confused and Tazz says "Oh no, Kidman must have scrambled Chavo's BRAINS with that shooting star press!" and Cat says "Why else would he be riding on a wooden horse and not a real one, you're right, it's brain scrambling for sure Tony!" But then Chavo hits London right between the legs with Pepe and Paul falls and lands with the top rope right between his legs then Kidman takes advantage with an inverted atomic drop right between the legs for the win! Then Chavo snaps Pepe in two and hugs Kidman and spits on London and says "you never visited me in the hospital, esse!"
Next is Heidenreich and Micheal Cole in a restuarant! And Cole is still in the dress and Heidenrech has badly applied make-up to his face and tied Cole to his chair! Then the waitress comes over and says "are you ready to order?" and Heidenreich says "I'll have a release from PAIN, please" and she nods then turns to Cole and sasy "and for you madam?" and Cole says "I'd like to order HELP HELP ME PLEASE HE'S GOING TO SODO..." but Heidenreich headbutts the waitress and says "she won't be calling police where she's going...HELL!" and laughs. Then he says "So what do you want to eat?" and Cole says "I'll just have soup" and Heidenreich says "okay, lobster it is!" and reaches intot he lobster tank with his bare hands and pulls out a live lobster then stabs it in the neck with his fork to kill it and slams it down on Cole's plate and barks "EAT IT!" and Cole had to eat the whole thing claws and all! Meanwhile Heidenreich reads a poem: "why oh why do I hurt so much, is it because I burned down a church, why oh why won't the world just die, is it because I served up some rat in a pie, but my mom said it tasted good, she lied to me, I'll be right back I need to pee!" and goes to the bathroom and Cole actually smiles at the poem and it looks like he's starting to get the Stockholm syndrome!!!!!!
Eddie Gurerro versus Luther Rains
Eddy does his best to carry the big man to a five star match but Luthers workrate is JUST TOO LOW and it's only a three star match and at the end Eddie hits the frogplash but instead of going for the pin he just starts crying and says "my life sucks esse!" and Luther pins him and it's the start of a new worked shoot angle where Eddie is depressed that will no doubt turn the ratings around!!!!!!!!1
Booker T versus John Cena
Cena tries to rap but the fans just boo him loudly because it's a smark crowd and they know Cena's been sucking lately with pussified raps! And Cena hit's the crappy F-U and goes for the cover but Booker kicks out at one and pops right up and says "I respect you, MARINE MAN!" then hits him right in the face with his shoot elbow (the same one he broke Paul London's nose bone with!) then he pushes right down on Cena's shoulders and da refeeree counts a quick three! And Cena has been doublecrossed and the fans chant "na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, YOU SOLD OUT!" at him because they know he's going away to make a crappy movie!
The Big Show versus The Kurt Angle
They're having a really good match when suddenly Mark Jindrak comes out wearing a gas mask! And he gives another one to Angle and Kurt puts it on and Show says "how come you guys are wearing masks, to hid your ugly mugs?" and Angle says "No Big Show it's because you have GAS!" and Jindrake throws down a gas container and the gas knocks Show out! Then Angle pulls out a lawnmower(!) from under the ring and says "time to finish off your hair once and for all!" and is going to cut Show's remaining hair but Big Show rolls over in his sleep right on top of Angle and Kurt can't kick out because there's no way you can move a sleeping Big Show and Show gets da pin!
Next we see a hotel room and Heidenreich is in bed with someone! And he says "baby that was the greatest night of my life hahahaha!" but then he pulls the covers back and it reveals that he has a lobster in the bed with him! But then Michael Cole comes out of the shower wearing a towel and brushing his teeth(!) and says "it was a pretty good night for me too, baby!"
JBL versus Undertaker - Last Ride Match
Undertaker squashses JBL for twenty minutes then tombstones him right onto his own cowboy hat! The Undertaker's about to throw JBL into the hearse to finally end his title reign (and life?!) but when he opens the door KRONIK jump out! And Brian Adams says "But you thought you'd forgotton about us huh you wish you had you punk!" and they give Undertaker High Times right on the concrete! Then JBL throws Undertaker in the hearse and it drives away and JBL wins and Tazz says "I can't believe it, could this be the end for the Undertaker?" and Cat says "I don't know Josh he sure looked dead to me so I think it is, I think it's the end!" But there's a camera in the hearse and you see Undertaker in the back but he does the ZOMBIE SITUP~! and says "okay driver, you can stop now. Driver? Stop the hearse, come on!" but it doesn't stop so Undertaker bangs on the window but then the screen comes down and STEPHANIE MCMAHON is driving in a black dress and she says in her manly voice "WHERE TO, UNDERTAKER?" and Taker screams "NOOOOOOOO!" and that's the end of the show!
It's going to be teh best No Mercy EVER!!!!!!!
And now for this week's inteview with The man from the deadside The Undertaker! Undertaker has dominated the WWF and WWE for the last 15 years with a decade of destruction! Undertaker made his debut as "Mean" Mark Enos for WCW in 1987 as a jobber! But three years later he discovered the power of SATAN and became EVIL! So Ted Debiase bought him for the WWF proving that even evil has a price!
Me: OMG it's the Undertaker!
Undertaker: Hi kid.
Me: I know you can't see it but I'm rolling my eyes back in my head like you do right now!
UT: Can we get to the dang interview?
Me: Okay, no need to be big rude deadman!
Me: This inteview is a DEADMAN TALKING!
Me: So do you sleep in a casket at home?
Me: And does Sara?
UT: She sure does. We have a double casket.
Me: Cool! And does your baby sleep in a little casket?
UT: Umm, sure, why not...
Me: Just like your brother Kane's baby is now sleeping in a little feutus sized casket, permanently!
UT: That was in poor taste.
Me: It must be hard for Kane, losing his son AND his father within a few months of each other.
UT: What do you mean, Glen's dad isn't...oh, right, Paul Bearer. Uhh, yeah, that must be tough on Kane. Poor Kane.
Me: It was you that killed Paul Bearer! Why did you do that anyway!?
UT: Umm....oh, it was to say to Paul Heyman "If I do this to someone I like, imagine what I'll do to someone like you who I don't like!"
Me: Then how come you haven't killed Heyman yet? You two have been on Smackdown together for months since then!
UT: I keep forgetting to!
Me: LOL I guess the old brain don't work so good when you're 45 lol.
UT: I'm 39.
Me: Sure you are...IN 1999!
UT: Boy, you're fixing to eat one of my soupbones...
Me: Never ate one of them before! Let's go back in time to when you actually were young and had just joined the WWF. How come you were managed by Brother Love at first but then changed to Paul Bearer?
UT: Well, I liked Brother Love, but I realised that having a guy say "I LOVE YOU" wasn't really consistant with me being evil and all. So I had to kill him.
Me: Tough but fair! Speaking of killing people, you locked Ultimate Warrior in a castket around this time. Legend says that something went wrong and his air ran out and he really did DIE so they had to replace him with the fake Ultimate Warrior who's running about today. What do you say to that.
UT: Look, that's just stupid. We got him out twenty minutes after the air ran out and he was fine.
Me: Lack of air could have damaged his brain and that's why he talks all that crap now!
UT: Makes sense!
Me: You then feuded with Kamala. Why?
UT: Well, he was some kind of vodoo master or something, wasn't he?
Me: No, that was Papa Shango.
UT: All those guys were into that crap.
Me: What do you mean by that!?
UT: I mean that all black guys practiced vodoo in the early nineties.
Me: Oh right I thought you said something racist never mind. You then went on to feud with Giant Gonzales after he tried to kill you with an "ether soaked rag".
UT: That's right.
Me: That was so gay!
UT: Hey! Look, Gonzales might have sucked and my matches with him might have been some of the worst in the history of wrestling, but there was nothing homosexual about it!
Me: Sorry! You then went on to feud with Yokozuna and The Fake Undertaker and later King Kong Bundy, IRS, Kama, Mabel...dood, how come all your feuds SUCKED?
UT: Well as one of the WWF's biggest stars it was my job to try to make other wrestlers look good and help them climb the ladder.
Me: But you beat all those guys!
UT: Well, yeah. They all sucked. I only help people more talented than myself.
Me: Such as?
UT: When one comes along I'll let you know.
Me: LOL. Anyway, is it true that you let the fake Undertaker wrestle on house shows for you because you're so lazy?
Me: Is it true that he sleeps with Sara for you while you're out on the road?
Me: Let's talk about the one good match of the nineties you actually had against Shawn Michaels in the hell in a cell. How did it feel to be carried by the hand by a great wrestler like Michaels?
UT: Did you watch the match, boy? I was kicking his ass all over that damn cage.
Me: STOP KAYFABING ME OLD MAN! How come you changed from a deadman to a biker?
UT: Well, it was the year 2000 and I felt it was time for a more realisitc character.
Me: Then how come you changed back to a dead man again?
UT: Accident on my bike.
Me: You mean...
UT: I'm too scared to ever get back on a bike so portraying myself as a biker would be a lie.
Me: Oh, I thought you meant that you died on the bike and you're a vampire.
UT: Don't be silly. I'm a zombie.
UT: Anymore questions?
Me: Yes, another forty five of them, same as your age! When are you next going to put someone over?
UT: I put Steve Austin over just the other day!
Me: You haven't wrestled Austin for four years!
UT: Look, if Austin ever comes back, I'll put him over again. I'm willing to help the kid out. Now I've got to go catch my flight to No Mercy.
Me: OMG, could you do me a favour and give JBL a SHOOT tombstone on the roof of the hearse to end his career forever?
Sara: Hi this is Sara. Sorry, but Mark's left.
Me: OMG YOU'RE HOT!
Me: JOKE LOL YOU HAVE A BUTTER FACE AND A BUTTUGLY BODY LOL!
(She hangs up.)
Damn Undertaker for leaving that was going to be my bestest inverview ever! ANYWAY I'LL BE BIZZACK SOON, oops, caps, I'll be back soon with MORE HOTZ NEWZ FOR MY HOME SLICE AND HOT BIATCHES IF YOU SMELLALALALALALALAL - oops caps - lalallalalala what the Hot Newz is TYPING!!!!!!
Seriously, broseph, I was reading this and while I was reading I was also laughing really hard at the same time. Then as a bonus, the /Weekend with the Original beloved babyface tagteam reference was named one of the 80 Best Articles of the Year.