I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I'm on Twitter! My previous account was deleted by Vince because I gave away EXACT details of his Freddie Prinze Junior dream sequence (except in my version Stephanie was wearing nothing but a BRA in bed! With erect nipples!), but he'll never find this twitter because I have added "316" to my name! Follow me to hear all the big scizzoops YEARS before the rest of the internet reports them! Here's my twitter!
In other mildly big newz, Linda McMahon has LOST the election! Linda got NO votes at all from ANYONE (despite Vince giving John Cena DVDs away to anyone who voted for her...or maybe BECAUSE of that!!!), but claimed it was a "moral victory for women everywhere" for some reason then did a crotch chop! This signalled that WWE is now changing from PG to PG13 which will mean SLIGHTLY more revealing outfits for Divas and Cena will be able to make poop jokes again! Also Stone Cold will come out and STUNNER the Anonymous GM computer (which will EXPLODE then NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN OR EXPLAINED IN ANY WAY) and say "WWE is cool again! I'm in some crap movies!" and walk out through the crowd! ALSO Nexxus will get its first FEMALE memember in AJ and Wade Barrett will say "it's not just Nexxus...now it's...SEXXUS!" then his microphone will be cut before he can say anything else so RAUNCHY! ALSO ALSO Val Venis will RETURN as a new character named MISTER POLITICIAN and will SMEAR choclate saucse all over Layla and Michelle McCool asks "what are you doing" and he says "a SMEAR CAMPAIGN, HEH HEH HEH!" ALSO ALSO ALSO Shad will return on Smackdown and say "I only voted for Obama because he's black" then beat Luke Gallows in 38 seconds then be sent back to FCW for eight months! Exciting thigns are coming!
THE LATEST ON UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR AT WRESTLEMANIA: Brock will only agree to lose to Taker in a WORKED SHOOT if his wife Sable gets to beat Layla in a WORKED BIKINI CONTEST earlier on the show! While it is believable that Undertaker could beat Brock in a shoot (remember he has SOUP BONES on his side!) no one would ever believe Sable could beat Layla in a bikini contest so I hope WWE turns Brock down or else kayfabe will be dead FOREVER!
Alberto Dos Rios's personal ring announcer is played by other than Super Crazy's Dad, Super Pappi! Could this mean the MEIXCOOLS wll return soon? No, of course it coulnd't!
Lita has returned to RAW! Lita will be GRADUALLY introduced to RAW in longer and longer segments every week so as not to overload viewers with her hotness! She will finally wrestle in a three minute match against Alicia Fox in June 2011! Some people MIGHT be thinking that Lita has actually wanted to return for years, but had to wait until Matt Hardy was released because she knew he'd stalk her and follow her about saying "WEAR A THONG AGAIN, I NEED NEW MATTURWANK MATERIAL!" Those people are forgetting Matt was on Smackdown! Of course there was nothing to stop Matt flying to all the RAW shows and following Lita about, waiting until she kissed someone (let's face it, it would have happened eventually, the kissy hussy!), then jumping out of the bushes wearing a mask and shouting "I AM THE KISSING POLICE, YOU CANNOT KISS HERE!" then running away while Lita cries "Matt, I just want a normal life!" the tears running down her cleavage! Anyway, Matt will be too busy with his new YouTube show "Matt Hardy Clears Up Misconceptions In Videos That Cut Off In Mid Story And Also Here's Hurricane" to stalk Lita for at least a month and Lita has signed a five year contract which means she'll be 45 by the time it expires!
Lacey Von Eric has quit TNA! As soon as he heard this newz, JOHNNY ACE dived for his phone to call and invite her to "wrestle" for WWE before Playboy got in first and signed her to an exclusive nude contract! Expect to see her debut as Kelly Kelly's EVIL cousin soon!
I attended a TNA house show this week! I was lying on the sofa getting HOT AND HEAVY with my girlfriend when DON WEST threw a brick wrapped in TNA tickets through the window! Boy they're getting desperate! Unfortuanely my girlfriend couldn't come because her ex-boyfriend was getting out of prison that day (she had to go into hiding because she stole his car while he was locked up!) so I easily blended in with all the other dateless men at the TNA Zone!
Frist match was Jeff Jarrett versus Samoa Joe(~!) in a match to decide if the fans get BACKSTAGE PASSES! AS I understand it the heel ALWAYS wins this match on TNA house shows because you can't have the fans walking around backstage, there would be chaos! Before the match Jeff Jarrett said "You stinking fans, you all stink! You don't DESERVE to be backstage at a TNA show because you would smell the place out with your stink! I'd hit all you smellies with guitars if I could, but the stinking company that makes my breakaway guitars has gone out of stinking business and I only have one left! That stinks!" Then Joe came out to SAMOAN PIPE MUSIC and said "No Jeff, the only thing that STINKKS around here is...YOUR ATTITUDE! And my RAGING MALE PHEREMONES!" When the bell rang Joe ran at Jeff than kind of stumbled and slid on his ass across the ring and kind of barely kicked Jeff in the foot and said "OH, FUCK, I MESSED UP!" Which must have meant "I messed up HIS FOOT with my DEADLY KICK ATTACK!" because he scored the pin anyway then ran backstage hiding his face because he's so bashful!
This meant that we LUCKY FANS had all won backstage passes thanks to Joe! I was still suspicious and thought that TNA would have set up a FAKE backstage with FAKE wrestlers pretending to be TNA stars (they could put a homeless guy in a Sharkboy mask and no one would know the difference!) So I went backstage to investigate and of course to watch the Knockouts showering! I soon found out it was a REAL backstage and NOt fake when I walked by Hulk Hogan playing Guitar Hero with Jay Lethal! Hogan smiled at me and said "don't worry kid, my back isn't really injured at all! The nerves that were burned off? They were burned off my penis, brother, because sex is so pleasurable for the Hulkster that I can't stop doing it!" then had Jay inject painkillers into his spine! Jay said "he's nuts, this isn't even a guitar hero guitar!" and showed me it and it was in fact a REAL guitar! This seemed like a potentially HUGE story, but I had just spoted the Knockouts dressing room so I ran away and left Hogan drooling on the floor!
Luckily there was a gap behind the wall I could hide behind and watch the Knockouts showering through a hole in the wall (I think Don West must have made this hiding place because I found BEARD FUR inside!) It wasn't long before a beautiful naked knockout with long blond hair stood with her back to me and I started masturwankig! Just as I was finally getting going this knockout turned round...and she was Eric Young! In a blond wig! There was no way I could have known! I was angry and asked him where the Knockouts were and he said "the TNA Knockouts don't take showers, because they're DIRTY GIRLS with sexily transmitted diseases!" I then asked why HE was showering then and he said "because I knew you'd be watching!" I was disturbed by this but eventually he laughed and said "Nah, just playing, the reason the Knockouts aren't here is because they're having a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL in the ring!" I said that still doesn't explain why he's in the Knockout's shower standing naked in front of a masturwanking wrestling journalist but he just shook his head sagely and said "doesn't it, Hot Newz? Doesn't it?" then skipped away!
I RAN at a hundred miles per whore back to the ring JUST IN TIME to see Sarita climb out of the cage leaving Madison Rayne alone in the ring as the LOOSER of the reverse battle royal (that's how reverse battle royals work, there's nineteen joint winniers and one loser!) I was DEVASTATED to have missed this hot and steamy Knockout action and actually started crying a bit, the first time wrestling made me cry since Crash Holly died! But then Jeremy Borash announced "and now as the LOSER, Madison's punishment will be a SPANKING from a fan!" As soon as I heard these words I jumped over the barricade and started climbing the cage to get to her! Security started climbing up after me but Borash called them back down, took a look at me, then gave me a thumbs up and said "GO FOR IT, KID!" Finally I was in the ring and Madison was bending over...unfortunately I must have BLACKED OUT because the spanking was TOO HOT because I can't remember ANYTHING that happened next! Don't worry, I'm undergoing HYPNOTIC REGGRESSION to get the hot memories back and once I have the details I'll tweet them all out in 140 sexy characters!
Anyway when I woke up Matt Morgan and Abyss were HUGGING(!?) in the ring with Team 3D lying DEAD (for all I knew!) in front of them! Morgan said "haha, together we can dominate like no other, AND ALL YOU STINKING FANS CAN'T STOP US!" and Abyss said "YESSSSSSSSSS HISSSSS!" I was SHOCKED at this turn of events because I couldn't remember if Matt Morgan was a face or a heel but it turned out to be all a SWERVE when Matt pulled a big monkey wrench out of his tights and smashed the back of Abyss's head in with it! And Abyess was bleeding all over the place and Matt said "SCREW YOU! I will never join you, you go around giving people concussions all the time when concussions are dangerous! Now I've given YOU a concussion so that you can feel what it's like!" and licked the blood off the monkey wrench! That makes him a face in TNA because he's all dark and edgy like Stone Cold or Han Solo!
Next up was Mister Anderson (urgh) versus The Pope (urgh) in a "microphone on a poll" match. Jeremy Borash (who was sitting beside me at this point sharing his popcorn with me) explained that the winner gets to cut an obnoxious promo with the microphone. I was happy when they both climbed up the poll at the same time and grabbed the microphone because I thought a draw meant NEITHER of the unlikable twats would get to speak, but unfonrtuantely they just cut a promo TOGETHER about "pimpin' assholes" or something (I had plugged my ears up with popcorn!) After getting to spank Madison Rayne earlier (even though I couldn't remember it) I had been ready to give TNA a GLOWING review on my blog which probably would have turned the ratings aroud. After this match I hated TNA again and decided that only a really great next match could save thigns...
The next match was Jay Lethal versus some Robbie Guy (NOT Robbie from the Highlanders I'm sorry to see, he's just too REAL for TNA! He'd rip up Russo's scripts and pour porridge all over the Knockouts!) for the X Division title! Three seconds into the match, MATT HARDY jumped the barricade and kind of gave Robbie somethign resembling a Twist Of Fate and Jay just shrugged and walked away. Matt grabbed a microphone and said "YOU! DIXIE CARTER! ABUSE OF POWER! HIRE ME! I'M ALREADY HIRED! HIRE ME! I'M ALREAY HIRED!" to the confusion of all! RHYNO then ran out wearing a shirt that said "SECURITY" and GORED Matt and Matt puked all over the ring! Rhyno then said "When Mister Eric Bischoff offered me a job in security I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET to pass up!" then spat on Matt and ran out through the crowd slapping hands! So needless to say I loved TNA again after this match!
Next up was hot steamy tag action with AJ Styles and Kazabian versus Stevie Richards and Tommy Dreamer! And if you think this was bound to be a classic match...you're an idiot, it was a Tommy Dreamer match! It sucked while he was in the ring! Fortunately it was GREAT while Doctor Stevie was in the ring since he's the most underrated worker since Phineas Godwinn! Stevie did look a bit distracted because I kept shouting "REMEMBER STEVIE NIGHT HEAT, THAT WAS AWESOME!" at the top of my voice for the entire match, but I had to make him remember! AJ pinned Dreamer when he went for a Styles Clash but Dreamer was too fat to pick up, then went for it again but Dreamer was so fat and blown up that he couldnt' take it, then eventaully just gave up and hit a DDT but Dreamer went down before AJ had finished the move because he sucks and is uncoordinated and AJ said "GOD YOU SUCK" for the pin!
Finallyl it was time for the MAIN EVENT of Jeff Hardy defending against none other than RVD! Jeff came staggering out first to a massive reaction! There was a fat girl sitting next to me (not Jeremy Borash) who was literally crying with Joy at seeing Jeff, then she grabbed her chest and said "AAAAH, STABBING PAIN, CAN'T TAKE IT..." so I turned away and didn't look at her again (she shut up after that anyway thankfully!) Jeff grabbed the mike and said "you stinking fans still cheer me? Is that because you're all STUPID?" Then the fans cheered. Then he said "STOP CHEERING, I'M A HEEL NOW, BOO ME SO THE RATINGS GO UP!" and the fans cheered. Then he said "I'm going to prison soon where I'll GO GAY!" and all the girls booed (but some of the guys cheered!) So Jeff smiled because now he knew how to gets boos and he acted gay for the whole match by wrestling with a gay look on his face (he even made eyes at me at one point! And I kind of liked it!?) RVD came out next. RVD recognised me in the crowd (I used to attend ECDUB shows ALL THE TIME! I sat between HAT GUY and GREEN BEARD GUY on most shows, look out for me!) and gave me a special look which I remembered from the ECDUB days! It was a look which meant "dood, I'm so high right now, this is only a house show match anyway, so I won't do anything cool, haha, the marks will never know better!" I respected him for this because getting high is more important than giving TNA fans a worthy main event! Since Jeff is a heel now he did nothing but Twists Of Hate (eight in total!) and chinlocks (eighteen in total!) for the whole match! Good heeling! RVD eventually made the comeback with some kicks that missed by miles and that crappy version of the Rolling Thunder where he just does a splash instead of a senton and went up to the top rope for the Frog Splash but just stood there for like a minute looking bored until Eric Bischoff jogged out and kind of tapped him in the ankle with a chair and RVD carefully climbed back down, said "ouch!" then walked backstage shrugging, having won by DQ I guess! Then Christy Hemme came out and showed us all her tits to send the crowd home happy.
It was't the worst TNA house show I've ever been to...just teh SECOND WORST!
Survivor Series is coming soon! I have been able to deduce with 99.9997% accuracy what the results will be, so look away NOW if you don't want to know!
LayCool versus Natalya - Natalya will be getting her ass kicked for five minutes until BETH PHOENIX runs out to help her! Then in a SWERVE Beth will hit Natalya with a high heel shoe then hug Michelle and Layla! Then Beth will say "that's right, you all forgot I'm the Glamazon! But not only that, I'm now a Beautiful Pesron! I mean, uhh, a...LayCool...person!" then LayCool will TURN ON BETH and give her a double suplex (that's deadly for woman's wrestling!) and say "no you're too FAT to be in LayCool, FATAZON!" And Natalya and Beth will feud and LayCool will keep the belts until Melina gets over again (so they'll keep them FOREVER!)
Kane versus Edge - Edge hits the RUNNING HUG and is about to win when Christian runs out! Edge says "what's this all aboot, eh, are you here to help me celebrate?" and Christian smiles and say "NOT QUITE!" then spits RED MIST (blood!?) in Edge's eyes and Kane gets da pin! Christian then puts on a PUFFY SHIRT and Gangrel, Viscera, Mideon, Brad Shaw(~!~!) and Farooq (DAMN!) join him in the ring! Kane says "that's right, THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS is back under my command, and the darkest night has begun, HAHAHAH, HAIL SATAN!" Then all the Ministry but Kane and Christian get fired the next night and are never mentioned again.
Randy Orton versus Wade Barrot WITH JOHN CENA AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE WILL HE DO THE RIGHT THING? - Orton and Barrot hit a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and Cena starts counting until R TRUTH runs out! Truth says "yo, Cena, what CHU doin', huh, countin' like dat, CHU tryin' to screw Orton!"? and Cena says "umm, no" and Truth says "good, because the only person screwing Orton...IS ME!" and gives Cena a deadly AXE KICK then gives Orton a deadly TWISTY FLYING FOREARM! Then HEATH SLEDGE runs out in a referee's shirt and counts the pin and somehow this is legal and Wade is the champion! Then Truth says "haha, you all bought it! You FOOLS! The clue was in my new song! It's not time to get Crunk, it's time to get...DRUNK! I'm an alcoholic and Nexxus have been buying me booze!" Then he smashes up a bootle of BOOZE over Cena's head and says "the WWE ain't PG no more neither!" and does the splits standing over Cena's head, rubbing his balls on Cena's face! This sets up a THREE STAGES OF HELL match between Truth and Cena at WrestleMania where the first fall is pin, second submission and the third a rap battle judged by Enimen!
There will also be some traditional survivor series elimination matches on the show but nobody cares about those!
Sounds like a GRIZZEAT show! I'll be back in eight months with an even more disappointing update!
Meltzer's reporting that Lesnar suffered a cracked rib over the weekend and will "try and gut out the PPV this weekend". Two things spring to mind: -Pray that the fed doesn't get jumpy and hotshot the title onto Mr.