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The W - Guest Columns - Berzerker: World Champion in Satire 12/6/04
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 811 days
Last activity: 678 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Randy Orton made sure got as much TV time as possible to get people to buy his thongs. Elsewhere, Triple H lost his World Title when Stevie Richards pinned Chris Benoit. And hey, did you know there’s still women’s wrestling? Yeah, weird huh? And we’ll get to see some more…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Chris Jericho is played to the ring by his band Cosby, who recently recorded the theme for the new Fat Albert movie. It’s about a Jewish boy who’s trying to make it big in the world of wrestling. I guess it’s a tragedy.

Chris Jericho: I want everyone in this crowd to get laid. So here’s some leis.

2,000 prostitutes fall from the rafters and begin dancing for the crowd. The kids love it! Jericho is like the new Godfather. Those are some good prostitutes they have there in North Carolina, but they’re no Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts. Now THERE is a great pair of whores. Chris Jericho is confused.

CJ: I guess the novelty leis were too expensive. Anyway, my usefulness threshold for this segment has been reached. Here’s some clips of Stevie Richards winning the World title.

Sure enough, he fell from the sky. Just like the hookers. I don’t think they get World Titles though. Maybe Hardcore titles. Hey! Look! Vince McMahon. Why does he have the World Title?

Vince McMahon: Hello, everyone. Now, some of you may be surprised, nay, shocked by the fact that I’m out here tonight with the WWE World Title. Well, what you probably don’t know is that earlier this week in Asheville, I defeated Stevie and became the new new WWE World Champion. However, I forgot that we already established a few years ago that I don’t WANT to be the champion, so I’m giving it up.

Heeeeeere’s Triple H….

VM: Hunter? What the hell do you want?
Triple H: Well, I mean, I just figured I’ve gotten a vacant title one time….
VM: Remember the last time I won? I beat you. That was awesome.
HHH: Shut up.
VM: Do you mention that in your new book Triple H’s Guide to Watching the X-Pac/Chyna Sex Tape?
HHH: No. And that’s gross. That’s Lita’s kid you’re talking about.
VM: Did you tell Wesley Snipes that I beat you?
HHH: No, we were too busy taking turns grabbing Jessica Biel’s ass on the set of my new movie Blade: Triple Hity.
VM: Shame! SHAME ON THEE, Hunter! What would Nibblins say?
HHH: Uh…Meow?
VM: More like HISS HISS!
Berzerker: Huss! Huss!
HHH: What have I done?!

Triple H runs off. The crowd boos McMahon. North Carolina LOVES HHH!

VM: I guess the title is vacant. Uh…Eric Bischoff’ll get it next week, I’m sure.
BZ: Can I get the title?
VM: No.

Berzerker chases Vince McMahon around while Cosby plays the Theme from Benny Hill. Stacy and Trish join the chase.


Triple H is throwing things around backstage. Evolution is looking on.

Triple H: I can’t believe I let Nibblins down! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Ric Flair: That’s ok. Here’s my plan. We take Nibblins’ old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!
HHH: What the hell are you talking about, Ric? Dave, where the hell were YOU when I needed you last week? Huh?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson“: I left to play PONG!
DBD: Sounds like you should have had no problem beating HIM!
HHH: Shut up!
RF: Maybe he’s right, Hunter.
HHH: Maybe I should hit you in the man boobs with a sledgehammer.
DBD: I hate it when you FIGHT!

Dave runs off. Triple H falls to his knees and tears at his clothes. Flair knee drops a nearby muffin.

Chris Jericho is drinking Bischoff’s Captain Morgan and playing tiddlywinks with the hos.

Chris Jericho: Hey, Cloe, Cammie, help yourself to some punch. Pie is on the way.
Chris Tian: Uh…Jericho.
CJ: What’s up, li’l buddy?
CT: Why are you making me wear a costume?
CJ: Well…you see…the thing is, we’ve got to do something stupid for your match. And it was either this, or have Shelton Benjamin spank you with a paddle.
CT: Good choice to go with the costume.
CJ: Yeah. Happy Humiliation Monday!
Chris Benoit: Humiliation Monday?
CJ: Yeah. Christian’s gotta wear a costume for his match.
CB: You should dress up like Rey Misterio.
CT: What, like his dorky Flash costume?
CB: Yeah.
CT: Noooononononono….
CJ: There are WAY too many Cs in this room.
CB: Where’d all the girls go? This is a total sausage fest.
CJ: Speaking of sausage fests, you and I are wrestling HHH and Dave later.
CB: Oh, Man….
CJ: I know, I know.


Maven v. Eugene (w/ William Regal)

Maven is totally a heel. Maven takes the early control while Eugene fills out his ballet for the RSPW awards. OH! Maven is his “Most Deteriorated”! That’s enough to allow Eugene to take control of the match back. They fight back and forth for a while, until Regal nods off on the outside and Maven just wails on Eugene with a chair. The kids come in the ring because Eugene won, but they’re all laid out by Maven. Regal wakes up just in time to see Maven leaving.


It’s Limbo time!

Limbo time?

Jericho holds the limbo pole as The Mountie, Josh Matthews, My Darling Stacy, and Some Other Random Girls go under the pole. Josh Matthews wins, because he’s into yoga. While everyone is cheering for Josh, Jericho regains the spotlight by starting into his hard rock rendition of “My Heart will Go On.” Suddenly, the lights in the arena go out.

Muhammad Hassan: We Amish are against your “lights” and your Titanic boats. Next week we will show up to your wrestling show and EARN respect for our people. And if that fails, we’ll become Buddhists!
Khosrow Daivari: CHICKENS!


Nova is out.

Nova: Man, I was just talking to Chris Jericho, and he told me I have to wrestle here tonight. Doesn’t that suck? I mean, really. I INVENTED wrestling, but I have to have my first wrestling match against The Hurricane. This sucks. Well, at least I know I’ll win while I’m debuting.

Nova v. The Hurricane

Match Number Two!! Nova does some push-ups just to screw with Scott Steiner. Poor Scott Steiner. I don’t think even TNA wants him. And they keep employing Erik Watts. Nova breaks down and starts crying about how much he misses being a super hero again, but it’s all a ruse as he rolls up Hurricane. Nova wins! Nova wins! Nova wins! I’ve gotta say, that light blue is slimming. I wonder what became of the Denver Broncos float though. He could have salvaged this segment.

Hey! Look! A couple fired people talk to Lita.


Jonathan Coachman is talking to Randy….

Jonathan Coachman: Hey, Randy. How you holding up?
Randy Orton: Is that a camera? Oh my God it is! HELLO AMERICA!
JC: Aren’t you going to start what you finished last week?
RO: Just as soon as I finish making out with this camera. Look at me! I’m on TV!
JC: Errr…Randy?
RO: I love you Television!

Edge is in the ring.

RO: NOOOOO! He’s boring!
Edge: Sorry, Randal, but I’ve got something to say. How come I’m not the champion? I totally didn’t get pinned by Stevie Richards last week.
Crowd: You tapped out!
EG: No I didn’t.
Crowd: Oh. Sorry.
EG: So Eric Bischoff better have a good reason why a girl can’t get a salad in this crazy go nuts world of professional wrestling.
RO: Probably because she got fired.
EG: Randy, what the hell are you doing out here?
RO: I’m seriously attention starved right now. I was about to call Sally Struthers and that Old Guy with a Beard to come get me some TV time.
EG: Get your own TV time! This is mine!
RO: You horned in on MY TV time!

They catfight. It takes Sargent Slaughter, Dean Malenko, and Fit Finlay separate them. Dean puts Randy in the Texas Cloverleaf. Just because.

Now the stars of Blade: Trinity on HHH….

Ryan Reynolds: Did you know I was in Van Wilder? Man, Tara Reid and I used to paaarty like nobody’s business. I did so much crank out of her navel one time it was INSANE!! Oh, hey, you don’t think my girlfriend, popular singer Alanis Morrisette is watching this, do you? She doesn’t really watch wrestling. She’s an alright girl, and don’t tell her I said this, but her music is so whiny and annoying. I can’t STAND it. Jesus. What? HHH? Man, I dunno. He was ok. I mean, he worked with my stunt double most of the day that he was on set.
Jessica Biel: Mostly I’m just in this for the money. I mean let’s face it, even after that Chainsaw movie, I’m still just that one girl from Seventh Heaven. So, I don’t really care. Triple H listened to Sarah McLaughlin all day when he was on set. Isn’t that a little weird? I mean this big muscly guy singing along to “Possession”? I stayed away from him for most of the time. I let him grab my ass a few times though. It was cool.
Wesley Snipes: Man, &%$# Triple H.

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko) v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinetal Title

WOW! Chris Tian is dressed EXACTLY LIKE TYSON TOMKO! It’s amazing what they can do with makeup these days. Oh. Wait. He’s dressed as a festive Christmas Tree. Merry Christmas, Chris Tian! He actually just looks like a more festive version of the Stanford Mascot. Which, by the way, huh? It’s a giant friggin’ tree. You can’t tell me you’re excited to see that thing bouncing around the sidelines. HEY! That’s just Edge’s old Tree outfit. Dammit, quit recycling old gimmicks!! Christian tries the spear, obviously, but misses, and gets his head stuck in the turnbuckles. Shelton kicks Tomko, pulls Christian out and gets the win, and a bunch of needles in him. Ow. Jericho comes out to sing some more and book a match between Edge and Orton next week. He can’t do that. But he JUST DID! TAKE THAT LOGIC AND REASON! If Maven would have known about this, he would have booked himself in title matches from three weeks ago until some time next year.


Abe Orton is backstage with Lita….

Abe Orton: I bet you wish you had a little more Kane right now, eh? Eh?
Lita: Oh, yeah. Very original. Very clever.
AO: You’d just better hope that this push they’re giving you doesn’t end with another Abe Orton? Huh?
LT: Yeah, I guess that would suck pretty bad.

Abe pushes over Lita’s tea cup spilling tea everywhere. Lita rolls here eyes and leaves.

AO: It WASN’T MY FAULT! Did I do that?

Backstage, it’s Evooooooolution! They’re on a cell phone.

Triple H: Hello? Eric Bischoff’s voice mail? I’m sick and tired of how I’m being treated. You listen good! I want the World Title so that Nibblins can be proud of me and I want it NOW! You hear me?! I want the world title!
Ric Flair: You listen TO ME, ERIC BISCHOFF’s ANSWERING MACHINE!! I am the nature boy…Stylin’ and PROFILIN’ WOOOOO!
HHH: This is about me! I’ve got a new book! I’ve got a movie coming out! You need me to be the Champion anyway, because I’m the only one who can do it now after years of holding everybody else down!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: This is all WRONG!
HHH: Shut up, Dave. You hear me, VOICE MAIL?! I’m warning you! Give me the world title. NOW!
Operator: Sir, this is 411.
HHH: That crappy wrestling site?
Operator: No, sir. Information. Would you like me to find a Mr. Eric Bischoffsvoicemail for you? Is that a residence or a business?
HHH: Never mind. I thought you said you had Bischoff’s voice mail number, Ric?
RF: Are you kidding? I frigging hate that dumbass.
DBD: That Operator sounded HOT!
HHH: Yeah she did. Get her back on.


Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

The crowd is nuts for Flair because we’re in the Carolinas. The audience Flair Flops to start. Hunter chases Lillian Garcia out of the arena because he was getting sick of her just sitting there all night, doing nothing, then he comes back. Benoit and HHH fight for a little while, and just barely avoid getting hit by Stevie Richards and a hooker falling from the sky whilst negotiating a fair price. Jericho and Batista exchange some bored looks and both go up to chat with the Cosby groupies. Don’t fall into that trap! Next thing you know you’re in a paternity law suit, and you’re complaining about how uneducated modern wrestlers are. Benoit and HHH draw the audience’s attention back to the match by threatening to throw loafers at people. $500 loafers!


Jericho and Hunter fight for a little while, but eventually Hunter does what any reasonable person would do, and he hits Benoit with a chair. That’s enough to draw a DQ. Really, everything would be all well and good, but he’s having too much fun, so he nails Jericho, Batista and Flair as well. Then he runs into the crowd and starts taking out kids, old people and hookers. It’s too bad that HHH won’t have any friends when all of this is over. But at least he’ll have a steel chair. And Sarah McLaughlin’s new live album.

Trish is wandering backstage when Lita comes up to here. They bitch for a few minutes, and then make out. This is the best RAW ever!


Lita v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

THIS is your main event. Aw, crap. You know the last time a women’s match was this heavily promoted as the main event of a show was when Lita beat Stephanie? Gee, I wonder what’ll happen here? Trish hits Lita with the mask, and then takes it off. Her nose isn’t broken at all!! It was all a clever ruse to wear a Kane mask! Lita, however, uses the power of cleavage to force her way into some offence, but she just end up jumping up and down on her head. I guess, that’s an ok strategy, but probably not for somebody who’d had neck surgery. But it pays off, because Trish gets so sick of all that bouncing that she runs over to stop Lita, and she gets kicked in the face. Lita hit’s the moonsault and gets the win! Lita is the new women’s champion! Wow, I wonder who she’ll defend it against…Trish or…Molly?

Next Week: Stevie Richards gets his title back from Eric Bischoff. Edge and Randy Orton square off in the World’s Second or Third Greatest Promo Battle Royal EVER! Also, in a thrilling turn of events, Triple H and Dave play Yahtzee for the respect and admiration of Ric Flair.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 28: Two Can Play At That Game

Lance and Rob are driving down the highway in Tommy Dreamer’s car, trying to escape from the evil forces that are trying to bring them back to ECW.

Lance Storm: Rob? ROB!
Rob Van Dam: Wha? What?
LS: Wake up, man. We’ve gotta pull over. We’ve got a flat.
RVD: But the ECW guys will catch up to us!
LS: I think we’re far enough ahead that we can change the tire.

They exit the vehicle and stare at the car.

LS: Err…I have no idea how to do this.
RVD: Me neither. We’re DOOMED!
LS: If only there was someone to help us.

They both look to the left at a farm house.

LS: That was lucky.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!

They approach and knock on the door.

Sting: I don’t want any!
LS: But…we’re not selling anything. We’re just pro-wrestlers on the run!
ST: I know!
LS: Why do you live in a farmhouse.
ST: This isn’t my house. I’m just crashing here.
Van Hammer: Duuude, who is it?
RVD: Nobody out here but us ghosts!
VH: No way, let me see!
RVD: Woah, look at that crop. I didn’t know you can grow all this in winter.
VH: Let’s go out back.

Van Hammer and Rob walk behind the farmhouse.

LS: Sting, why the hell are you living at Van Hammer’s house?
ST: Man, all I can say is I shoulda sued Sting when I had my chance.
LS: Is that RoboCop?
RoboCop: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law.
ST: He follows me around now. I can’t stand it. Robocop, fix his car.
RC: Affirmative!
ST: Lance, you have realize something, you can’t get away. This stupid business will
keep pulling you back in.
LS: I’ve got to try.
RC: My name is Murphy.
ST: Shut up.
RVD: Duuuude…I have this idea. The whole world is ruled inside prairie dog holes.
VH: Yeah! All right!!
LS: Come on, Rob. We’ve got to go.
ST: What’s that smell?

Rob and Van Hammer look at each other.

RC: Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and toke it UP!


Mountie: I’ve really got to practice my limboing if I’m going to beat Josh Matthews next time!

Mountie starts to limbo, when Mantaur runs out to try to limbo and ends up goring Mountie.


Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!

Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 436 days
Last activity: 436 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.87
Blade: TripleH-ity

Heh, oh lordie.

Hot Virgins-The World's Most Steadily Shrinking Commodity
Big Bad

Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.03
Technically, since Berzerker's "finishing move" was big booting a guy out of the ring and getting the countout, he could never have won any title in professional wrestling. Oh the tragic life of the 'Zerk.

I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits." --- President Jed Bartlett, The West Wing

Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 811 days
Last activity: 678 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
    Originally posted by Big Bad
    Technically, since Berzerker's "finishing move" was big booting a guy out of the ring and getting the countout, he could never have won any title in professional wrestling. Oh the tragic life of the 'Zerk.

Unless he was in an IRON MAN MATCH!

Let's start a petition.

Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way

Since: 5.3.03

Since last post: 1885 days
Last activity: 1883 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.58
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
      Originally posted by Big Bad
      Technically, since Berzerker's "finishing move" was big booting a guy out of the ring and getting the countout, he could never have won any title in professional wrestling. Oh the tragic life of the 'Zerk.

    Unless he was in an IRON MAN MATCH!

Or if they contested the title in a battle royal, but they'd never be dumb enough to try something like that...

One question: When can we expect the highly-anticipated "Lance and Rob are Friends go to White Castle" feature film?

The American Dream goes Iron Chef? Jim Nighthart trying to copy his former Heart Foundation partner? "New" Jack has a problem with Canadian Bulldog? This, and much more, answered in Letters From A Nut IV, in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Check out the ITR Website, featuring the ridiculously expensive Canadian BullBLOG!!!

Since: 9.1.03
From: VA

Since last post: 3536 days
Last activity: 3532 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.00
Great Satire as always. I noticed this week that the story ends with a 2... and last week it ended in a 3... What will happen the week after next? A huge shakeup in the world of Satire? Can I start the over-speculation with the return of Austinberg? Or Ric Flair carrying a banana nut muffin to a 4 star match?

Truth takes time

Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 811 days
Last activity: 678 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
    Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOG
    One question: When can we expect the highly-anticipated "Lance and Rob are Friends go to White Castle" feature film?

We already have Ang Lee attached to direct, now I'm just waiting to finish touching up the script and trying to get Tim Curry and Stephen Baldwin to play Lance and Rob.

    Originally posted by komarkaze
    What will happen the week after next?

Well, if you REALLY want to know...


Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
It's the countdown to the end of the Lance and Rob Are Friends Story. I had planned on doing 25 episodes of it from the start, but once I got there, I decided to extend it to 30 because I was having fun with it.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 9.12.04 1111)

Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Net Hack Slasher

Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 4929 days
Last activity: 3348 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.00
"Wesley Snipes: Man, &%$# Triple H

Wesley Snipes, spokesman of the IWC... Will this make Wesley Snipes, Eugene's favorite actor?

HHH and Flair talking into the cell phone to Bischoff voice mail on TV looked like it was something right out of a Satire report. Flair was hilarious

smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
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