A full smackdown recap...I mean move-for-move, word-for-word.
Thursday November 14th, 2002. On this day in history, Smackdown was aired by the WWE. Many fans watched it. I was one of them. This is my recap.
Hogan’s My Dad
The show opens with an impressive montage featuring the attacks of the Dangerous Wight Man, and Brock Lesnar, spliced with a lot of footage of Heyman telling Brock he “can’t beat the big show”. Video package ends with a close-up of Wight’s face, then pans out to show Paul Heyman in the interview area, pacing worriedly. Mark Loyd comes up to Heyman to get the scoop. Loyd: “Paul I was just wondering if I could get a word on the physical condition of Brock Lesnar.” Heyman: “Why don’t you ask me about the physical condition of the undertaker? I mean, the Undertaker was thrown off the stage three weeks ago by the Big Show, have you heard word one from the Undertaker? No! Brock Lesnar got thrown of the stage last week by the Big Show, and you wanna know the condition of the WWE Champion? Brock Lesnar has a broken rib, and he’s been coughing up blood all week. (Hogan My Dad’s Note: Oddly enough, minus the broken rub, Pat Patterson coughs up blood all week the first week of any new courtship, but no one knows why.) The difference between Brock and everyone else is…Mark…Is that he will defend the WWE title and he will do it this Sunday at Survivor Series against the Big Show! (Fans pop.) What Brock Lesnar won’t do, though, is show up tonight here on Smackdown, and that’s by doctor’s orders and by my orders!” And low and behold, looks who’s behind the Bingo Hall Yahweh. Why it’s the Big Wight! Wight: “If by some chance, Brock Lesnar DOES show up here tonight, I want you to know…That I’m calling Brock Lesnar…OUT!” Heyman looks constipated as the beautiful people intro begins….
Pan the crowd, from the Nationwide Arena in Columbus Ohio, reminding you that yes, Hispanics may also enjoy sportz entatainment and reminding you also that in just three days Survivor Series is going down.
Also tonight: Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit….Again….On free TV and apparently once more ignoring Stephanie’s insistence that they not touch each other or be suspended for a year…
Edge comes out, and he’s ain’t not never gonna stop….Recap of last week’s tag-title win, and coming back to see Chavo Guerrero Junior, who is apparently not a Junior anymore. Edge V.S. Chavo
Chavo behind with a rear waistlock which Edge reverses into his own and then a side headlock. Chavo sends Edge into the ropes, Edge comes back and nails Chavo with a shoulder-block takedown. Chavo with the catspring and Edge takes him down with an arm-drag takeover, and somewhere I’m sure Jim Ross is saying: “shades of the Dragon”. The lesser known animated companion piece to the Bruce Lee cult classic. Chavo manages to trip Edge, and floats over into a side headlock again, and Edge reverses applying a rear wristlock which Guerrero opts to counter with a back elbow. He runs off the ropes, Edge downs him with his own elbow, then a hip toss, and since charging is working so well, Chavo runs into a drop-toe-hold after that. Now Edge with an armbar, and several medications of it, and a rowdy sounding crowd begins to chant for Edgefield. Edge sands, fires back elbows to escape the armbar, then runs the ropes and gets a beautiful dropkick from the Junior Guerrero. Chavo charges and clotheslines Edger over the top and out to the floor. Edge does his dazed porn star look on the floor, and then tries to get in, where he is met mid-apron with knees and boots. Guerrero tries to suplex Edgy in, but Edgy flips and lands behind him, but awkwardly, and then segues into whipping Chavo into the turnbuckle without any kind of transition. As Guerrero snaps back, Edge drops him with a flapjack. A two-count, the first of the match. Irish whip now, but Chavo holds onto the ropes, and can you blame him? Running has NOT be his forte tonight. Edge charges Chavo, who is ready with a bodydrop but Edge is not hitting the pavement, lands on the apron and fires away on the unsuspecting Hispanic. Ref intervenes, Chavo casts him aside walking into a stiff hand and being dropped, and when Edge tries to get in, a floored Chavo kicks the middle rope just as Edge has one leg over it…Hurting Edge’s testicles, you see. Edge falls down because apparently they’re THAT big. Chavo works over Edge now with some random shots in the corner, then a short-clothesline that is a thing of beauty. Another cover but only a two. Another arm-bar now, into a top wristlock of sorts, a keylock as Tazz calls it, Edge fights out, ends up being irish whipped into the buckle, Chavo pursues, a boot comes up, Guerrero catches it, misses a punch, Edge nabs his head, tries to give him that inverted X-factor thing that I still don’t know the name of, but Chavo reverses, gets the head up under the arm and makes a suplex out of it. Hooks the leg and gets another near fall. Chavo then goes to the high-rent district, comes off with a body-press but is countered with a BRUTAL looking dropkick that looks like it could have decapitated poor Junior. Chavo is selling it now, better than usual. Both men up now after a knock-out count begins, and Chavo misses another punch, gets a boot to the guts and an irish whip for his inaccuracy, then gets big back bodydropped with great height. Edge is feeling it, and follows it up with a clothesline and a flying forearm. Another irish whip, but Chavo holds onto the arm, tries to punch Edge again, Edge ducks and hits the inverted X-factor thing…or the Edge-o-matic as Cole calls it. No three though. Chavo getting the beats in the buckle now, chops and punches and kicks, Chavo is dazed and Edge goes to the opposite corner, and charges with the spear which misses. Edge stumbles around dazed and Chavo with a spear of his own! Another two count! A very good match so far. Chavo with a irish whip now, it’s reversed, Guerrero hits the buckle, Edge follows and gets booted, Edge is bent over in the “where’d my soap get to” position, so Chavo hits second rope on inside, leaps, and rolls up Edgefield in a sunset flip…wait, no, Edge rolls through grabs the legs on a slow-to-react Chavo, and slingshot coming up…no! Chavo with agility and balance, lands back on that second on the inside perch, waits for Edge to charge, Edge does and receives a kick for it. Chavo turns to face the ring, remains mounted, grabs Edge and tries for the Tornado DDT…But Edge plants the feet, escapes the front-face-lock with some arm work, and brings Chavo back to earth with the Edge-e-Cution! And we get three.
I’m not timing these matches until I get a stopwatch.
Rey-Rey will be doing an interview and this is what he has to say. Rey: “First off I’d like to say that my boy Edge handled business very well tonight against Chavo, and please believe that I’m damn proud to be a co-holder of the tag-team championships with Edge. And as far as Eddy goes…I know what he’s capable of…” Apparently Eddy is not worth mentioning. Rey Squared wants to ask Brock how he is, even though Brock tried to break his everything a couple weeks ago, and sounds like a kid asking about Disneyland in the process. Brock mutters that his ribs are ‘fine’ and ignores the Lil’ Mexican. When Mark Loyd tries to get a word, Brock tells him to “get the hell out of his face”. Loyd not only does that, but glances down at his feet like he’s being scolded about wetting the bed.
We return to see Mr. WIIILLLLSOON…and Dawn Marie’s “special moment” last week. Then we return to Mr Wilson backstage. Looking at Dawn’s face, there may not be that much of an age difference after all. Wilson is reading “Modern Bride” which is the equivalent of saying he’s not apposed to letting the new wifey strap one on and send it home for a little bit of role reversal. Dawn shows up. Dawn: “Hi honey.” Wilson: “Hi Dawn.” Dawn: “You know, looking at you makes me realize how lucky I am.” (Well he IS better looking than Justin Credible.) I’m engaged to the most wonderful man in the world, and on our wedding day I’ll be the luckiest woman in the world, I’ll be Mrs. Al Wilson.” (She produces an invitation for Torrie.) Wilson: “Oh, I don’t know Dawn…” Dawn: “Al, Torrie’s your daughter (in case you’re so old and senile you think she’s just your sister), she should be one of the first people we invite! We can’t not unvite your daughter. Listen, I know that things haven’t been right between Torrie and I, and this wedding, it may be the one thing that can mend the fences between the three of us. Besides, when you tell Torrie how happy I make you, she’ll understand.” Wilson: “You’re right, I’m’a go talk to ‘er right now.” (Dawn does the evil smile. She’s prettier than a picture…Of a donkey. And let me just say, you won’t see THIS on Everybody Loves Raymond…They can actually ACT on that show.)
Now we see Heyman and Brock backstage. Heyman: “No no no! It doesn’t make any sense to me Brock, it doesn’t make any sense to me at all why you’d show up here tonight. I mean this guy is seven foot tall, 500 hundred pounds and you won’t back down to the Big Show. I had this all figured out, but it’s not good enough for you, oh no…please…why would a man with a broken rib whose been coughing up blood even think….” Brock: “Why, Paul? You wanna know why? Because I’m Brock Lesnar! (He gets a pop for knowing his name. Hey I have a two-year-old cousin that looks up when you shout ‘dildo’ at him but that don’t mean he’s…Oh dear.) I’m the WWE Champion. (The grasp of the obvious continues.) That’s why, Paul. That’s why I’m here!” Heyman: “Listen to me real good. We’re a team. Since day 1, we’ve been a team. Whether anybody likes it or not you and I go together. What happened last week, Brock? What happened last week when you went out there on your own against Eddy Guerrero? Yes, I know, I know what he’s gonna tell me, I F-5’d Eddy Guerrero and I beat Eddy Guerrero! And you did! And I applaud it Brock, you beat Eddy Guerrero! But then what happened? The Big Show came out and he threw you off the stage. Now if I was out there, you know this, I would have been your eyes and your ears. I can’t protect you if you don’t play as a member of this team. We got that belt together. Don’t scoff at me! You know this in your heart! It works! This team works! What’s happened since Hell in the Cell? You wouldn’t get tested! I wanted you to, but you wouldn’t! You pick a fight with the Big Show, I begged you not to but you did and he slammed you though a table. I said that’s enough Brock wait till survivor series but no, you come back for more, and what happens when you come back for more? He throws you off a stage! Brock: “If you would’ve been there, he wouldn’t have, that’s right! But you weren’t!” Heyman: “You’re not listening to me, anymore. And now, you have a broken rib, and you’re coughing up blood, and if you pick a fight with this guy and he’s calling you out now, 7 feet tall, 500 pounds and he’s calling you out! If you don’t get away from this guy right now, I can’t protect you, I telling you this, Brock, I’m begging you, pleading with you, put your pride aside, enough is enough, he’s going to rip you limb from limb and there’s nothing we can do about it and we’re three days away from Survivor Series! Listen…I have one idea to get us out of this…And it’s the only one I got.
Mart Hardy version one is out! By the way, Matt was the fear factor champion and he love guacamole. His partner is “Ruthless Aggression” John Cena. And out come Rikishi and Tajiri. If they were to assign a name to this team of the small Tajiri and massive Rikishi, I’d suggest “Spaghetti and Meatballs”.
Hardy & Cena V.S. The ‘Kish and the ‘Teej!
Hardy and Tajiri start things off. Collar and elbow, armdrags Tajiri over, Matt runs gets the same. Pausing now. Matt shoves Tajiri who immediately catsprings and delivers a hurricanrana on V. 1. Tajiri misses a clothesline and Matt thumbs his eyes, in classic heel form. Cena is in now, irish whip, then elbows him, then covers. Over at two. Hardy blind tags in, and double stomps on Tajiri like it’s 1945 or something. Double suplex. Cena in alone now, snapmares Tajiri who then holds onto the neck, pulls himself up, snapmares Cena, holds on, snaps the neck over again with a Mr. Perfect style snapmare, and leaps to tag in the guy who did it for the Rock. Kish now, with a couple rights to floor his opponents, then a samoan drop on Cena and a clothesline to Mr. Hardy in the corner. He then does that unique slam of his, which the announcers meet with silence and I title a T-Bone chokeslam. Irish whips Hardy into Cena who has stumbled for a rest in the other buckle, then slaps his ass fat much to the thrills of the largely male audience. And he runs in with the ass-bash…Hardy falls to the floor and Cena is stumbling, until Tajiri comes in to kick his brains out which positions him for a stink-face. Good planning there…It’s better than when they just fall in position. The forced rim-job is apparently exactly what these people want to see. Hardy runs in with the side-effect, and thank God for that. Cena covers him and then starts more corner work, before tagging in Matt. Matt works him over in the corner, and then applies a front-face-lock as Matt milks a we want Jeff chant. Funny how you never hear these on RAW. The announcers, in perhaps some kayfabe, don’t acknowledge what the fans are chanting. Kish does the stand up while in the front face lock spot, moves a couple steps closer, repeats it, then flings Matt over his shoulders and stands there, obviously tired from what must be nearly thirty seconds of work. Cena comes in to nail Tajiri so Kish can’t make the tag, and Tajiri ducks and kicks Cena, and then Kish tackles Cena INTO Tajiri for some reason, forever proving my theory that fat people are fat because they’re stupid. Tajiri blind tags himself in as Kish and Cena go to the floor, and Matt eats spinning heel kick. Irish whip by Teej, reversed by Version, Tajiri ducks the clothesline, keeps running the ropes, and they catch each other in what looks like each man attempting a vertical suplex and falling straight down on their faces. Whatever. Matt lands with a hand on Tajiri, and raises the other shoulder just in time. He wins like this. Nice touch, I almost missed that.
Backstage, Angle and Benoit are using their outdoor voices…Inside. Angle: “You know Benoit, it’s all your fault we lost the tag-team titles last week!” Benoit: “My fault?” Angle: “Yeah.” Benoit: “My fault?” Angle: “Oh Yeah.” Benoit: “YOU are the one who got pinned TWICE in the same fall. Now, you wanna tell me how the hell you managed to do that? Justify yourself.” Angle: Don’t change the subject Benoit! The fact is I hate your guts, yes I do. But you know something, I love being a champion, and YOU screwed that up for me. So tonight I’m gonna take all my aggressions out on you. Benoit: “Let me remind you of something Kurt, the last two times we fought I pinned you one, two, three!” Angle: “You watch your mouth young man…Don’t forget who the team captain is…ME!” Benoit: “I apologize, you are the team captain. I beat the team captain twice, one…two…three!” Angle: “Yeah? Well I have more teeth than you! HAH!” Benoit: “Well…Uh….I have more hair than you!” Angle: “Well I’m better than you!” Benoit: “Well I’m better than you!” Angle: “Well I’m ten times better than you!” Benoit: “I’m 11 times better than you!” Angle: “Well, I’m an Olympic gold medalist! Huh? I thought so! And tonight, I’m gonna prove Benoit, that I AM better than you.” Benoit: “Well they call me the rabid Wolverine, and tonight Kurt Angle, I am gonna prove you wrong, Olympic Gold Medalist.” Benoit then laughs for absolutely no reason, as if suddenly remembering Woman’s description of Kevin Sullivan’s genitals. Kurt then does that ‘something on your shirt’ bit where the guy looks down and he bops their nose. Then he laughs, and Benoit looks angry.
Heyman is now going into Big Show’s locker room. “I’m sorry for barging in but come on, we’re both professionals. Two intelligent men like us can have a conversation. (Two?) I just want to emphasize to you that Brock is so young, the youngest WWE Champion in history. Show: “And I’m gonna be the biggest!” Heyman: “You might be. But Brock is so young and makes a young person’s mistake, he doesn’t understand what kind of competitor you are. But I’m smart enough to understand. I know that you beat the Rock. I know you beat the Undertaker. I know that you beat the Undertaker. And I know that you beat Hulk Hogan in Hogan’s PRIME. (Apparently 1995 was Hogan’s prime. And if mentioning three guys Show needed to cheat to defeat is supposed to get him over as Monster…It won’t.) And I know that you would like to face Brock Lesnar when Brock’s at 100 percent. But he’s not. And that’s because of you. And that’s to your credit! I mean, Brock Lesnar has a broken rib and he’s coughing up blood because you were man enough to do those things to him, Show. And all I’m asking for is just a little professional courtesy here, just to back off until to Survivor Series. I’ve already told my client to his face, I’ve said ‘Brock, you cannot beat the Big Show’” Show: “What are you trying to say?” Heyman: “Show I’m asking you, I’m begging you, please don’t call out Brock tonight.” Show: You know, the best thing Brock Lesnar has going for him is you, Paul. You are the brains behind the brawn. As far as your professional courtesy goes, I’ll consider it. Maybe I won’t call out Brock tonight.” Heyman: “Show, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” Show: “Then again, maybe I will…”
Eddy and Chavo are walking down the halls muttering. They encounter Edge and Rey. What a coinkeedink. Eddy: “I guess the blind squirrel, he found his nuts, man! Hey, you feeling lucky too, Esse? You think you might find your nut tonight Esse? That’s cool, homes. You might find your nut, man. But after tonight man, I assure you guys this! At Survivor Series, your luck is running out! I mean think about it, Esse, Angle and Benoit, they ain’t getting along too good, Esse. And there is nothing, nothing, in the way of Los Guerreros, having the gold around our waists!” Rey: (Spanish for we’ll do our talking in the ring. Chavo translates) Eddy: Oh wait, wait wait, Homes! Hey, Chav…This is the part, I think, where I’m supposed to run and hide! Hide me Chavo! I’m so scared! Ahh! No, no please don’t hurt me! I’m so scared. (Hides on his knees behind Chavo.) Edge: Oh yeah? Well maybe we should do it right here, what do you say about that? Eddy: Did I just hear you? Edge: What don’t I put it to you this way? (Spanish. People cheer, because he’s white and he speaks Spanish. But I don’t know what he’s saying. Hearing a white man speak Spanish is enough to scare Eddy and Chavo off.)
Eddy is coming out now. “Who ‘dat jumpin’ out da sky?” Why it’s Rey. Eddy Guerrero V.S. Rey Mysterio
Partners banned from ringside, remember that. Locking up, and Eddy is flung out of it. Arm-bar, snapmare, chinlock by Eddy, in quick succession. Standing side headlock, Rey pushes Eddy into the ropes and stands there trying to shoulder block him on the snap back, and gets floored for such stupidity. Eddy runs, Rey stays down, Eddy hops over, hits the strands,comes back and big back body! No one takes that move better! Rey with a dropkick and an arm-drag of sorts. Eddy fights out of the arm bar and hits some of those forearms. Eddy sends Rey into the ropes and blasts him with a sick-looking (and sounding) tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then takes a walk and covers him for a two. Now Eddy armbars Rey, and has his other forearm across Rey’s cheekbone, now he stands up and works over the arm. Rey is down and just takes it like a bitch in prison. An Eddy sucks chant begins, but he keeps the control and goes back to the arm. Rey with some right hands behind the ear, then leaps onto the ropes, sliding and almost falling but insanely maintaining his balance and leaping into a head-scissors. Eddy slows him back down with the arm-drag and keeps it grounded and basic, which is a good story to tell. Why would you try to out-quick Rey? Grab a limb and mess him up, that’s the way to go and that’s what Eddy’s doing. Rear hammerlock on Rey, big mistake, because Rey grabs Eddy’s neck jumps, wiggles his legs, and comes back down snapmaring Eddy across the ring. Eddy charges Rey now, Rey jumps, then rolls back and catches the still running Guerrero with a monkey flip. Eddy crawling in the ropes now, Rey sees an opening and goes for the 619, but Eddy is ready for it and pulls the ref in the way. Of course, the ref doesn’t know how to sell it. With the ref out, the partners banned from ringside deal goes out the window. Chavo runs down and does the razor’s edge type move where he throws Rey back and hooks the legs, so Rey lands on his face. Anyone who knows what that’s called…fuck you. This is not as easy as it seems. Edge is out now and he and Chavo got out, meanwhile in the ring Eddy powerbombs Rey with more ferocity than is probably healthy. Rey kicks out, and then Edge spears Eddy. The ref missed that, apparently having spent the last of his energy slapping a surface thrice. But who wouldn’t zonk out after that? The men in the ring lay idle while the interlopers battle on the arena floor, until the depressed zebras come out to split them up.
We come back to see Rey on the offensive, setting Eddy up, jumping draping the legs over the top rope and moonsaulting Guerrero. Only a two count. Eddy tries to regain the advantage, irish whips Rey, but Junior reverses, catches Eddy, and then delivers a tilt-a-whirl of his own and doesn’t look nearly strong enough to pull it off. His knees seems to buckle and he rolls over holding them, but he’s up soon and does a limping bronco buster. Call it what you will, or don’t. (Psst. I don’t care) Now he drags Eddy and makes the trek up the ropes, but his slowness gets him shoved to the floor. The one time Rey is slow, and look what happens. Now Eddy slings himself over the top and out onto Rey on the floor. Picture perfect. Now Eddy rolls him in and presses the advantage, belly-to-back suplex. Eddy goes up top, Mysterio leaps to life, stops him and a superplex from the very top rope (just like Bret Hart used to do). Both men laid out for a few seconds but Rey goes for the cover. Both men up after a moment’s rest, Eddy tries the short-clothesline but it is ducked, still, his boot finds the mark in the midsection and he hoists Rey for a powerbomb, no, looks like a dominator, no…Rey spins and catches the arm of Guerrero and sends him across the ring. Mysterio with an irish whip, but it is reversed, and then Eddy stiffly clotheslines Rey-Rey out of his boots! I bet all six of Rey’s pubes came off on that one. Eddy covers, and uses the ropes but Rey’s up. Eddy with a stepover arm-bar, if you want to call it that, but Rey fights up after screaming like a little girl, Guerrero’s wise to him and deposits him backward on the top turnbuckle. He tries to suplex him but receives many elbows for his efforts, then goes flying and lands a tad awkwardly, but gets up to catch a Rey-Rey-Moonsault! And then, of course, the two count but no three! Awesome contest we’re seeing here. Rey now, off the irish whip comes out with an Asaii moonsault, but Guerrero blocks, could it be a powerslam, no…Rey twirls around and arm-drags Eddy out to the floor. Eddy pretty much lands on his feet after going through the ropes there, and then, lo and behold baseball slide by Rey. With Eddy on his back, Mysterio decides to do a swanton onto Eddy. Guerrero now rolled back in, Rey tries to splash him after balancing on the top rope, but Eddy’s knees come up, and he promptly rolls Mysterio up in an inside cradle, but Rey kicks out. Eddy with a brain-buster suplex, then he goes up top for the Frog Splash, Rey bails and Eddy somersaults out of it, charges Mysterio now, who backdrops him and Eddy gets his face draped on the buckle. Picture perfect stumbling and a spinning heel kick finds the mark. Eddy’s hurt…Tries to steady himself in the ropes, and the 619 busts his face! Rey-Rey now, signalling from the apron. West Coast Pop coming up, no, another sunset flip, Eddy rolls through, quickly locks on the Lasso and grabs a rope…Leverage is too much and Mysterio is tappin’ like Sammy Davis Junior!
Backstage, Torrie is here! Dad meets her, and claims to be waiting for his little angel. She blows him off. He follows her. Torrie: “I want you to be happy, you know I do, I really do.” Dad: “Well let’s talk about it.” Torrie: “I know in your heart you want to believe everything Dawn Marie is telling you, but you’re being used. Why can’t you see it? Dawn Marie is a conniving, manipulative bitch.” Dad: “I can’t believe this. (he says, despite a tone that indicates he really can.) I came over here to invite you to our wedding. And I really want you to be there.” Torrie: “I’m sorry…I can’t go. I just can’t do it.” Dad: “I’m your father, you won’t come to your own father’s wedding?” Torrie: “You wanna know why I won’t go? You are being played. Dawn Marie is making you look ridiculous. And I’m sorry, there’s no nice way to say this, but dad, there is no fool….Like an old fool.”
So what’s she saying? That just because Al is old no woman could ever be attracted to him? That he’s a fool to think some large-breasted wrestling diva wants to be bonded to him forever? That old people are ugly, hideous beings that should be hidden from the younger, more attractive members of society!?! IS THAT WHAT SHE’S SAYING?
She’s got a point. Commercial.
And here we go with more of the smaller gentlemen.
Jaime Noble w/ Nidia V.S. Billy “More Pants Please” Kidman
These two will be locking horns at Survivor Series for Jaime’s title, so naturally the smart thing to do is...Give it away on free TV. Just when you think Heyman’s a genius. Billy starts firing away from the opening bell on Noble. If they want to sell this on PPV, they have to keep it short. Noble suffers an irish whip, but he hooks onto the ropes prompting Kidman to give chase, and be backdropped. He does not land on the floor, however, he lands on the apron and catches a turning Noble with a shoulder-block to the midsection, and is about to capitalize but Nidia intervenes pulling Kidman off the apron by his ankle. He bangs his gimongous nose on the apron, then gets baseball slid into the retaining barrier. Noble wastes no time rolling Kidman in and covering for a two. He choke Kidman in the corner, snaps the arm and flips Kidman down, and keeps the arms locked no matter which way Kidman flips. Key lock it is. Kidman with kidney shots, and a flapjack as well as a hard clothesline. You’d think Noble would stay down. But he keeps coming, ducks another lariat, and then goes high and lands hard on the bodydrop, gets up again, and receives a dropkick. Two count for a grown man named “Billy”. That’s my cat’s name. Kidman fires Noble sternum first into the buckle then hits the near strands and tries for a clothesline, because, you know, we haven’t seen one of those tonight, but Noble hooks the arm and turns it into the double-arm powerbomb, or the tigerbomb. Normally that’s a finish but since Noble wrestles so very infrequently it doesn’t get the reaction of one, and besides, Kidman ejaculates on the move’s credibility by catching Noble, the man who just powerbombed him, in a pinning combination. THAT is why you’ll never sell out a flea market…Kid. Anyway, Noble gets his advantage back, tries for an irish whip, it’s reversed, Noble manages to grab Kidman’s head between the ankles, looks like a head-scissors, but Billy catches the legs and chucks Noble onto the apron, the walks into a forearm. Kidman’s dazed, and Noble now climbs the ropes, but is dropkicked for his trouble. Now Kidman climbs up there with him, but Noble attempts to take back control by flipping over Kidman and powerbombing him ala Eddy Guerrero, only Kidman holds on himself. Noble with kidney shots, and then he picks up Billy in the razor’s edge position, but Kidman with…wait…channelling Gorilla Monsoon---“tremendous presence of mind” uses the buckle to fling himself out of the predicament, and catch an advancing Noble with a short powerbomb. Then, in a true show of idiocy, he doesn’t cover him, and goes up for the shooting star. Nidia hits the apron, and Noble gets up in a hurry to stop Kidman. Good storytelling there, Noble not wanting to fall prey to the same thing twice. And kudos to Michael Cole for pointing it out. Now Noble goes for the superplex, and gets away with it, but the legs come up and soon the two are struggling for a cover...Kidman gets it and this one’s history. Kidman has no understanding of ring psychology…
Backstage, Dawn Marie finds a dejected MR…WIILLLLLSONNN! Dawn: “Al, what’s wrong?” Al: (I’m cold and there are wolves after me.) “It’s Torrie. She’s my little angel and she won’t come to our wedding.” (What I’d like to know is where the fuck your acting coach is.) Dawn: That’s horrible. I can’t believe she can’t put her jealousy towards me aside. Especially seeing that I make her father so happy. I mean, you’ve done everything you possibly can to provide for her her entire life and this is how she repays you… Al: She calls me an old fool (Fuck her then, that’ll teach her.) Dawn: Old fool, Al, look at me, you’re not an old fool, age is just a number, and I love you, and this wedding is the right thing for both of us. (He buries his face in her tits.) Everything’s gonna be just fine, I promise. (Yes, famous last words of Boston’s Catholic Priests.)
And boom, we’re back. Heyman returns to Brock. He’s been walking back to the dressing room this whole time, so apparently he’s fatter than he looks. Heyman: “I did it my way, and I handled it, and everything’s gonna be okay. You know what I did? I went over to the Big Show’s locker room (which the rest of the roster calls the cafeteria) and I looked that big Neanderthal right in the eye. (Why do people say eye instead of eyes, plural. It just makes it seem like they mean something else…) And I told him exactly what I thought of him, and you know what else I did Brock? I told the Big Show not to call you out tonight, and he listened to me! And I’ll give the Big Show credit, he was smart enough to listen to me, Brock! And you know what’s gonna happen tonight? Nothing. You know why? ‘Cause I handled it, ‘cause I made sure the Big Show understood that under no circumstances does he call you out tonight. And you know something else? I kinda think…I…I don’t wanna brag but…I may not be seven feet tall, I’m not even as big as you are Brock, but I think in some small way the Big Show was intimidated by my intelligence. So here’s what we’re gonna do, pack your bags, and we’re gonna leave tonight and you my friend get to rest up until Survivor Series, ‘cause I took care of everything. Come on, let’s go.” Brock: I’m not leaving… Heyman: What? Brock: I’m not leaving! Heyman: But…But Brock I took care of everything, of course you… Brock: Paul…So you convinced the Big Show not to call me out? Heyman: Yes, I did that for you, I did that for us, I did that for the Championship. Brock: If the Big Show isn’t calling me out, then I’m going to the ring, and I’m calling him out. Heyman: No…No!
Interesting. “I Don’t Suck” hits and here comes Kurtis Chester Angle. And he’s got the stick. My poor fingers. They haven’t hurt this much since I dated that Asian chick. Kurt: “First of all I would like to apologize to all my fans out there for being too predictable. (They’re doing the what. It’s quieter now. Only the audience members who also beat their wives are saying. That’s…what? Just 75% of the fans in the arena! And since the arena’s only half full…It’s a lot quieter than before.) For the past couple of months I’ve beaten Chris Benoit, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and “Los Gurerreros” so many times that it’s become one big blur. Y’know, come to think of it, not only am I better in the ring than all of those guys, but actually, I’m a better athlete than Chris Benoit, I’m much better looking than Edge, and the Guererros, well I can actually speak English for goodness sakes! And unlike Rey Mysterio, I’ve been through puberty! Oh it’s true. So there’s no doubt in my mind, come Sunday at Survivor Series, who’s gonna end up with the tag-team titles, if Chris Benoit doesn’t screw up again! Y’know come to think of it, I don’t even need Chris Benoit, I can win the tag-team titles on my own! Oh yeah…” Why it’s Los Guerreros. They are offended by Kurt’s flagrant racism. Eddy: “Hold on! What you talking about Esse? You say the Guerreros can’t talk English, I don’t know what you’re speaking about Homes! And you know what, you’re full of it if you think that you can beat the Guerreros, because the last time I remember Homes, I was pinning you…One, two, threezzz…”(They have journeyed the bottom of the ramp, by now.) Kurt: “Hold on a second that’s because you cheated!” Why it’s Edge and Rey Mysterio! They are offended by Kurt’s attack on their appearance and level of pubic hair. Apparently Rey shaves it to “feel free” down there. Edge: “Whoa, whoa. This is real nice, Kurt. No only have you lost your hair, chrome dome, but it seems you’ve obviously lost your mind. Because if memory serves me correctly, who did we beat for these last week. Oh ho! That’s right, we beat YOU for these tag-team championships! So the only predictable thing about you, is after all the whining and complaining, the fact still remains. You SUCK!” (I would take this time to point out Edge said you suck in the most homosexual voice I have ever heard in my life. Not that I don’t fully accept that lifestyle, but there you go…) Kurt: Is that so? You wanna know something Edge, and you three punks out there? I’ve got more natural talent in my pinky finger than all of you combined. As a matter of fact, I know why you’re out here. It just came to me, I know exactly why you’re out here! You wanna scout me! You wanna learn from me! You’re scared of me! You know what, guys? Sit down, have a seat! Because you’re about to see your Olympic hero in rare form! So Benoit, get your freakin’ gap-toothed butt out here right now! So I can prove to you, these idiots here, and all these people tonight who the very best wrestler is, in this business today, oh it’s true, it’s DAMN true!
That match next….Commercial…And we’re back. See, read it from me and no stupid Star Wars Attack of the Clones commercials!
Kurtis Chester Angle V.S. Christopher Crippleus Benoit
Forgive me but this will be very hard to transcribe. Chris with a headlock on Kurt. Brings him down with it, but Kurt scissors the head of Benoit to get out…Benoit with a violent kickout, escapes, both men up, Kurt down to the leg, rear waistlock, brings Benoit up and down onto his stomach, Crippler countering with the wrist, Kurt gets to his feet anyway. Benoit switches from the arm back to the headlock in less time than it takes me to sneeze…Kurt though, whips Crip off the ropes and then gets the business end of a shoulderblock. Benoit runs the ropes, over Angle, Kurt up, leapfrogs, but Benoit holds onto the ropes. Benoit waits, then goes for a punch, and is evaded and given a release German suplex! Kurt now struts over to his ringside viewers, Eddy and Chavo. When Kurt’s eyes return to the prize, he gets three nipple-melting knife-edge chops, then a right forearm, and a right boot and an irish whip which the former Olympian reverses, Benoit caught and belly-to-belly suplexed with dizzying speed! Again, Kurt taunting the Guerreros. Angle again, the recipient of a right hand and sells it to his back. Wolverine elbows the back of Angle’s neck, irish whip, then hard elbow knock Kurt down. That didn’t show any light, ladies and gents. Cover and a two for Benoit. Crippler with a back breaker and another two count. Irish whip, Kurt’s sternum hits the buckle, then his face is brought to another. Kurt in trouble in the corner and battles out with some rights, tries to whip Benoit but again is sent sternum-first into the buckle, and this time harder…But not as hard as the elbows to the back of the head by Benoit. Kurt’s wrestling here, mostly, and Benoit’s pounding the shit out of him, mostly. Now Benoit is distracted by the ringside guests, this time Edgefield and Reymond Mysterio. But Benoit’s smarter than Angle, and for that matter Edge and Rey, because when Angle interferes, he sidesteps him and ends up chucking him into the WWE Tag Champs, knocking them out of their folding chairs. A hilarious visual, though it wasn’t meant to be. Benoit puts Kurt in, and gets in himself with a dazed and angry Edge getting on the apron behind him. Now Benoit goes to the repeat germans we love him for, but only gets two of them before a standing switch has Angle doing them…Three for Angle and a pin but only a two. Angle removes some clothing, goes for the Angle Slam, Benoit gets out of it, then locks in the crossface out of nowhere! Angle is in trouble, selling, looks like he’s about to tap and somehow just makes the ankle lock happen! He just did it…grabbed a leg rolled and there we are. Fans are loving it. Benoit trying to kick out, and finally knocks Kurt loose. Two dazed men up, and the Angle slam connects! Again, Kurt gloats, then applies the El Paso lasso. Eddy can’t handle the copywright infringement, and so, charges in, where he finds Kurt ready, willing, and able to throw him over the top. He lands in enemy territory, and he quickly gets into a scuffle with Edge and Rey…and Chavo joins the proceedings and we have one of those pier-sixes going down. Back in the ring, Benoit finds that third German and sends Angle completely over and onto his stomach…But the brawl spills into the ring and the ref calls for it. Shitty decision here, I think Kurt should have gotten a win to come close to evening the score…In any case soon double ankle locks on Kurt and he’s tapping away. Then, Edge catches Benoit in the crossface but he’s not tapping and gets saved by the Guerreros. Eventually Chavo and Rey are out, and with the remaining for we end up with an awesome visual of Eddy tapping to the ankle lock and Edge tapping to the crossface, with the refs trying to break the holds. Clearly there’s an implication that these guys can beat either team with either move…Benoit and Angle get nose-to-nose again, then shake hands…and then Angle hugs Benoit. In a word…Eew.
The call-out is next!
Uh, here’s your Survivor Series card. Lesnar V.S. The Big Show-WWE Title Trish V.S. Victoria- WWE Women’s Title and Hardcore Rules Rey & Edge V.S. Eddy & Chavo V.S. Chris and Kurt- WWE Tag Titles-Elimination Bubba, Jeff Hardy, Spike V.S. 3 Minutes- Tag-Team Table Match Goldust & Hurricane V.S. Lance Storm and William Regal Jamie Noble V.S. Kidman –Crusierweight Championship Triple H V. HBK V. Booker T V. Y2J V. RVD V. Kane –World Title-Elim. Chamber
Uh…the company’s in a hole, fans…Order this shit.
And now Brock is coming on down, with Heyman shrilly squealing behind him. Women scream when Brock removes his shirt. I am going to hope that’s due to fear or unrelated sexual activity. Brock’s not pretty. No, I don’t care. Shut up. He’s not good-looking. I won’t accept that. Brock: Big Show, I know your Big Ass is back there, I’m standing here in the middle of the ring, yeah, it’s just me and you Big Show, looks like I beat you to the punch. Get your big ass down here. (This promo sounds like it was written for Outlaw Ron Bass. Anyway, Big Show won’t come out) Come on Show, I ain’t got all night! Shut up Paul! (Fans like that.) Big Show, if you don’t get out here, that’s all right. Looks like I’ll have to come and drag your ass out here.
But with that, the atrocious music signifies the Big Show is indeed here. He’s coming for a fight, or because there’s no food left back there…Or perhaps to see what Brock’s fixation on his ass is, exactly. Big Show power walks to the ring, and is therefore completely winded by the time he gets the fifteen feet to Lesnar. This allows Brock to charge Show into the steps. I’ve never seen Show moved so easily. Ladies and germs, Brock CAN F-5 this man. And I’ll also venture to say there’s no way that rib is “broken”. No one moves like that with a broken rib. I doubt it’s even cracked. He looks just fine. Maybe it’s bruised. Now, this beast is given a chair, and uses it five times on Show. If the purpose of this is to make the challenger look like the biggest bitch possible before the PPV, it’s working. Now a belt-shot. Finally, standing over his fat, bleeding, battered opponent, Brock says “You want MY title, come and get it, baby!”
That is the end of this edition of Smackdown, I am Hogan’s My Dad…Hope you enjoyed it. Good night.
(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 15.11.02 0211) I have a small penis. Just thought I'd share.
"My name is Hogan's My Dad..." Support Group: "Hi Hogan's My Dad!" "It's has been 134 days since I last felt insecure about my abnormally small penis." (Support Group applauds.) "I now believe that 3 inches is enough to satisfy any woman." (Support Group is silent.)
Good article, Tom. I think this line is something that I've been waiting to read:
Rock looked up to Hogan as a kid. Rock feels that Hogan sold himself out. Hogan sees himself as wrestling's biggest star ever.