Results and Opinions for Association de Lutte Feminin Envers et Contre Tous Friday, April 13th, 2007 Centre Sportif St-Barthélemy Montreal, Quebec, CANADA
As described in my first ALF report: http://the-w.com/?thread.php/?id=32334 ALF is a relatively new joshi promotion in Quebec, filled with women’s wrestler of all shapes and sizes from the ridiculously hot (referee Angelina Skye) to would make a better Obelisk than Gerald Depardieu (Anna Minoushka). The matches take place in a combination hall for church Bingo and gym, which makes sense since Bingo in Quebec is both a religious experience and a full contact sport.
On this night attendance was down considerably from the previous show. Still respectable at 150, but I suspect that a lot of people came last month to see Stefany after EXesS rather famously put her in the hospital during our Violent Valentine 2007 show. After Stefany won the title, beating Kacey Diamond in an impromptu match, there was not really much need to come back and see the rematch. Proof that the “money is in the chase.”
Speaking of money, I always pay to get into ALF. Partly out of respect, partly because then we charge them in return to get into our more expensive IWS shows, but mostly because then I can write whatever I want about ALF and feel justified in doing so. I got a lot of weird feedback from my last review of ALF ranging from demands for more fat jokes, to me pimping various Quebec hotties to a certain British clipboard wielding wrestling personality, to me being told by an ALF insider that some in the promotion were upset at the fat jokes and at me comparing the ALF video footage to the IWS video footage.
The ALF video footage is really bad, but Lufisto does a really good job disguising how bad it is. I might feel guilt about some of my comments about the ALF performers, but naaah screw it, if they have an issue they can confront me personally. If Parfait Caroline has an issue with my reviews, she can come up to me and eat my notes like she did Laprade’s Almanac.
Krissy and Roxie vs. Kyana Vice and Mystery Partner
The Mystery Partner is a female Eugene (Eugenia?) named Charlotte Lamothe. She is a stalker fan of both Roxie and Krissy. Roxie, a cheerleader in turquoise with a really unfortunate and disastrous blonde hair cut, likes the attention. Krissy, a brunette in blkack shorts, is terrified of Charlotte. Kyana Vice is an acrobat in tight black leather pants and does a lot of totally unnecessary flipping and bouncing around. Roxie distracts Eugenia by jumping into her arms to celebrate stalking and fandom while Krissy hits Kyana Vice with a standing moonsault for the win at 6:50.
Kathy vs. Nikky with Eve and Bellissima
Nikky, Eve and Bellissima are a face stable demonstrated by the fact that Eve and Bellissima sit around slack-jawed while Kathy physically destroys Nikky, slapping down any attempt at a face rally. Crowd turns against Kathy pretty quickly for being a bully. Kathy puts the exclamation point to that by hitting Nikky with a Vader Bomb and while Nikky is thrashing in pain climbs to the top for a totally redundant top rope leg drop for the win at 2:25.
Perfectly acceptable squash.
Afterwards, Tolo, manager of les Armes de Destruction Massives, the NCW Tag Team champions comes to the ring and says that he will lead Kathy to an ALF title.
ALF strangely follows an in-ring promo with a video promo designed to boost the main event, but the audio does not work and they abort it.
Sweet Cherrie vs. Kalamity vs. Mary Lollypop with Paradox
Curiously, it is the male manager Paradox who keeps this match together keeping Sweet Cherrie or Kalamity busy outside of the ring or consoling Mary Lollipop. Sadly, Paradox has ditched his crimson Genius get-up for a business suit and a cane. Mary Lollipop has adopted a very “sweet cherry” hair-style in honour of the match. I admire the dedication. I really liked Kalamity last month in her match against Krissy. I was less impressed this month.
Mary Lollipop and Kalamity do have an interesting dynamic in the three way. While Sweet Cherrie is up, they are both so terrified of her that they team in instinctive survival, but once she is down they rush to back-stab each other with Mary Lollipop usually getting there first because she refuses to trust Kalamity.
The match would be much better if Kalamity and Mary Lollipop did not hit Sweet Cherrie like they were afraid to chip a nail or something. They put the boots to Sweet Cherrie as though they were afraid of popping her bacne and getting pus all over their boots.
Sweet Cherrie does have the fiery baby face charisma thing going and she can rile up the crowd, but man she is not very good on this night. She hits Kalamity and Mary Lollipop with a weak tentative dive - more of a hop really - and comes up limping afterwards. She then unveils the WORST Samoan Drop that I have ever seen. Rather than emphasizing the move by pausing when she has the wrestler on her shoulders, she starts the rotation before the other wrestler is set in the process making it impossible for him or her to rotate into a proper back bump. Poor Paradox basically gets his shoulder rammed into the gym floor.
Sweet Cherrie wins with her Samoan Shoulder Separator on Mary Lollypop at 8:50.
They find the audio for their video clip and play it. It is unfortunate that their only cameraman had an orgasm just as Stefany won the title and the camera went bobbling all over the place. It was an exciting moment I suppose, but it would be nice if it did not look like it had been shot by an epileptic.
This is more than made up for by Kacey Diamond giving a GREAT video promo complaining about having her title stolen. I have absolutely no idea what she said but the intensity was fantastic. As far as I could tell she was channelling Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest and claiming that Stefany would hang her title up on a wire hanger.
La Parfaite Caroline and Anna Minoushka vs. Taina and Axelle
Anna Minoushka no longer looks like Caroline picked out her outfit which defeats the team dynamic that I liked where Caroline is the hottie with the fat friend that she keeps around to make her look thinner. The fact that Anna is big enough to kick the asses of virtually anyone being a sort of bonus. Anna is supposedly Russian. You know that hearty Russian peasant woman of the stereotypes? Anna looks like she ate a village of them. La Parfait Caroline starts the match by sanitizing the ropes (HA!) and giving referee Annick a cloth to clean the ropes with. Annick is wearing a referee tie.
Axelle looks like Regina “the Hammer” Valentine. Her partner Taina starts the match with Anna and they do an homage to the 1-2-3 Kid vs. Yokozuna match. Taina is too fast for Anna to catch but when Taina punches Anna from behind with a flurry of blows, Anna gets this expression on her face like she is trying to figure out how come she is being bitten by a horde of mosquitos in April.
This sets up the dynamic of the match. Axelle is just strong enough and old school enough to take on Anna as an almost equal. When Anna can and does catch Taina she kills her. Caroline plays vulture darting in and out and picking her spots. She suffers the most damage (or perhaps disgust) when Anna uses her as a weapon to beat on Taina with in the corner and later when Anna pulls her off the ropes and drops her on to Axelle. Coin flip whether Caroline is actually hurt by this or is just physically revolted that she has to make so much physical contact with her opponents.
Taina wins the match for her team by dumping a trash can over Caroline’s head which eliminates Caroline and allows Axelle and Taina to double-team Anna for the win at 7:03.
Technically nothing to write home about, saved by the dynamic of the match and the charisma of the performers.
After the match, Caroline comes back into the ring with the trash can. Anna takes out the Hammer (the Hammerette?) while Caroline puts the trash can over Taina’s head and then does a running drop kick into the trash can. After she hits the trash can with another trash can and screams bloody murder. Thou shalt not dirty a germaphope!
One teensy tiny complaint here. That entire angle would have been so much better if they had not used a RUBBER trash can. Very very soft core. It is like watching porn with the naughty bits pixelated over.
We break for intermission and the twelve year olds rush outside for a smoke. During the break one of the IWS broom boys suggests that the reason that they used a rubber trash can was because they would have had to replace a metal one, but a rubber one would just pop back into shape. This is probably true and very sad.
The timing of the intermission once again is odd. The show has six matches and they break after four, leaving two. Odd choice.
Josianne the Pussycat vs. Eve with Bellissima
Josianne comes to the ring with a whip. Apparently undecided whether she should be an insanely hot blonde or a crazy psychotic brunette, Josianne has decide to go with both choices, implying that she is insanely hot and crazy. This reminds me of Kyle Baker’s theory about women from Why I Hate Saturn that women can be smart, beautiful or sane, but never all three at once. She gets an “I love pussy” chant.
Eve is a big girl, but not really fat, which is why it is unfortunate that she has decided to wear white plumber’s crack jeans that basically force all her cellulite into a roll under her midriff bearing shirt. And being forced to stop to adjust your jeans during the match is not a real attractive choice either.
Josianne is a work in progress, but this match is MUCH better than last month’s. Bellissima is doing the slack-jawed face who can not believe that her partner is getting her ass kicked by a porn star schtick until Eve says screw this and grabs Bellissima and throws her at Josianne so that she can catch her breath, Josianne kicks Bellissima’s ass some and then finishes off Eve at 5:36. Josianne wins with her feet on the ropes, but it hardly mattered since she was lazily lying on the ropes and not actually pushing on them for any leverage.
ALF title match: Champion Stefany Sinclair vs. Kacey Diamond
Match is fought under UFC rules. Sort of. Three five minute rounds. The match can be won by knock-out, by submission, by doctor stoppage... or by pin-fall. Lufisto is the special referee making her first return to the ring in four months. She looks great in pigtails, a ref sports bra and black trunks. She files around the ring as ref, but she does not have to do any bumping so the jury is still out whether she will be able to wrestle, but this was a very encouraging sign.
Kacey Diamond, wearing a black and white checked bikini top and blue shorts over the bottom to the bikini, is accompanied by EXesS with a stool and bucket. The stools never gets used although Beef does confiscate ExesS’ stool early on to keep him from using it as a weapon.
Stefany Sinclair, wearing matching white sports bra and white boxer trunks with a black trim, is accompanied by Beef Wellington with a stool and bucket. No doubt if Beef had been in George St-Pierre’s corner, he would still be champion. Stefany is announced as “The Striker” which is odd because her chief shoot weapon is a triangle choke, so she is more of a “Strangler” than a “Striker”.
ALF announcer Satine is replaced on the mike by Pat Lono. He does a great job naturally, but I am personally rooting for Satine to hit him with a chair the next time he pulls rank and takes the mike away from her. (It is not like Satine would actually hurt him. She would be too afraid of damaging the chair with Lono’s face.)
As a quick editorial comment, the ALF belt looks like it was designed by a girl. I mean that as a compliment.
Kacey starts out on the attack and Stefany makes a real effort to make the match look like a shoot by trying to cover up and block the punches. During the first round Stefany gets busted open, it appears the hard way and she is examined by the ring doctor during the break who allows the match to continue. The first round also establishes that there are no count outs as Kacey chucks Stefany out of the ring and Lufisto does not even bother to count.
The one minute warning for the round is called at 4:20, the first round bell goes at 5:20.
The second round starts at 6:45. The match is suspended at 8:55 so that the doctor can examine Stefany again and the match resumes at 9:45 with an all clear from the doctor. The one minute warning for the second round is called at 10:50 and the second round bell goes off at 11:50, so I guess that they did not stop the timer while the doctor was examining Stefany.
The doctor checks Stefany again during the second round break and judges her fit to continue. The third round starts at 13:45. EXesS tries to get involved and pushes Lufisto. so she kicks his ass out of the ring. Stefany makes a fiery comeback leading to a triangle choke that Kacey breaks by tearing hair out of Stefany’s scalp in clumps. (Sadly she does not do the heelish move of pulling the hair out of her fist afterwards strand by strand.) The one minute warning for the third round is called at 16:55. Kacey goes for some sort of leg scissors move and Stefany slaps on the triangle choke in mid-swing, forcing Kacey to tap at 17:12 or I suppose ALF would say that it was at 4:17 of the third round.
Good match. Probably would have been more satisfying as the match where Stefany won the belt rather than as her first defence though.
After the match, Kacey snaps and attacks Beef punching him in the ass. Beef calls gimmick infringement and dumps the pail of water over Kacey’s head. She goes into full Christian tantrum mode until Lufisto thoughtfully brings her a full box of Kleenex.
The weakest of the three ALF shows that I have seen so far, with many of the matches lacking the intensity necessary to make them good. Still a very watchable show saved by the strong characters and charisma of the performers, and by a good main event.
(edited by Llakor on 16.4.07 0114) "Don't Blame CANADA, Blame Yourselves!"
So now Chris Masters' finisher is the "Master Lock"? That's cheez-y enough to turn your fingers orange. Is it too much to hope that all of Triple H's talk about how unbeatable the Pedigree is will lead to Batista actually ... gasp ...