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The W - Guest Columns - Another Not-So-Weekly Recap
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Hogan's My Dad
Andouille








Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 1 day
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.61
Welcome to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, home of a whole lotta geezers. It’s the first RAW since the worst PPV ever presented, and it’s gunna be HAWT! And by the by, if you didn’t order it, in the immortal words of Vince McMahon…SHADDUP! I saw it, but my buddy paid for it, so I’ve got entitlement to both my righteous indignation as a viewer who was shown crud, and as an arrogant fanboy priss who didn’t think enough of what was being presented to pay. VICTORY IS MINE!

To start things off, Triple H’s music blares and he takes ninety-nine minutes longer than necessary to make his entrance. Seriously, walking and spitting do not require a slow pace, and neither does every single wrestling match. When finally he takes the mic, things only get worse.

“Go ahead, give it to me!” Dares the Champ, quietly invoking memories of Chyna burying her he-clit into him Alexander-style. He then goes on and on, blurting out awkwardly formed sentences that make literate people cringe, like “No one can do what I do as good as I can do!” or some such raucous violation of basic grammar. He even mentions Benoit beating him last year, and how that was a fluke, just to make sure we are all clear that Benoit’s push is now finished and will never be revisited.

Flair takes the mic, and says some completely irrelevant rehash of the phrase “we’re evolution”. I swear to God, I wouldn’t be surprised if Flair wears a chastity belt and serves Hunter and Steph breakfast in bed, then disposes of the previous night’s prophylactics. I can’t stand Flair these days, he’s utterly useless and it’s sad because he’s effin’ Flair.

Then Hunt butters up Batista, and out comes the man Hunter described as “THE BEAST”, and somewhere in Toledo, Ohio or wherever the hell he lives, Dan Severn crushes a paper cup in his mighty, better-than-Shamrock hand and places a call to his lawyer, who helped him get out of paying back deposits on at least five of his seven belts.

THEN, as if my life wasn’t bad enough, Orton comes out next, to make this an absolute cornucopia of people I wish leprosy upon. Orton then acts out a scene from the OC, relating important information about how Triple H didn’t do crap to help Batista when he got RKO’d just one night prior in San Juan. Maybe Hunter, like any of us, figured that since Batista’s head didn’t come within two feet of the ground on the move, he couldn’t possibly be hurt, and therefore didn’t need saving! I mean, seriously, Dave fell into a pushup, it was terrible. Anyway, Hunter doesn’t wanna see that salacious misrepresentation of the truth that Orton has with this so-called footage, and Hunt calmly explains that Orton is part of the evil Liberal media and just wants to dethrone him. Batista gets real mad, because not a single family member or friend called him on the phone to relate this information before now, and Hunter back pedals like a dyslexic unicycler.

Secretly believing Hogan might be in attendance, Bischoff comes out and stands up to Hunter to look like a big man in sunny Florida. This goes on way too long, but the result is Batista V.S. Orton tonight. This is destined to be at least as good as Jackie Gayda V.S. Trish

*Commercials*

THEN, Shane McMahon returns to RAW, via some footage of a Japanese press conference, where two WWE superstars, Shawn Michaels and Trish Stratus in particular, praise the Japanese fans as some of the greatest in the world. Stacy Keibler does not attempt Japanese, thankfully, and her English ain’t so hot either. I don’t know why anyone would care if RAW emanated from Yoko Onoo, Japan or Jug Band, Alabama so long as the show didn’t suck pock-marked ass. These foreign shows are swell, because at least you get a hot crowd, but it’s kinda like boning your mistress when you can’t get it up for your old lady at home. You know, one of those whacha call temporary solutions.

THEN, we got SHEL-TAWN against MAVE-AWN! Last night, and New Year’s Brain Pollution, Maven yelled at the crowd and did some damn good heel work and then got pumped pretty deep, losing two quick comedy falls. With all the extra time the shortened Lita/Trish match left due to Lita’s unplanned mishap, someone should have called an audible and made them go longer. This is what Austin is talking about when he says the biz is too scripted. Anyway, tonight the match doesn’t go much longer. Shelton grabs the win and qualifies for the Rumble, but Black people don’t win battle royals, with the possible exception of Ernie Ladd.

*commercials*

THEN, MOO-HAMMAAAAADDDD came out with his buddy COZ-ROW. Lawler and JR hate them, and even though they say that these two don’t represent Arab-Americans, they don’t seem to realize a couple things: 1/ they don’t represent any Arabs and 2/ they’re suggesting anyone who doesn’t like being a victim of racism should leave the country that’s oppressing them, a suggestion which if followed historically would have prevented the onset of the civil rights movement. “These boys need some Jesus, bah gawd.” Anyway, Hurricane comes out and I am reminded of the time Nidia showed up, angry over their past relationship, and introduced her new boyfriend Jamie Noble! Man, those were some good times. Hassan ends this quickly, but it took him forty-seven minutes to beat Jerry Lawler the night before.

*Commercials* Did they fire Mark Loyd? Wouldn’t surprise me. He had a disjointed manner of speech. And oH Man….what a ShoW….its gonna be.

THEN, we get a Wrestlemania recall, showing Pete Rose get a chokeslam from Kane. Hey, Rose may have bet on baseball, but he never raped a corpse, set a fat man on fire, or blackmailed a woman into bareback sex. And that’s why Pete Rose SUX and Kane is my effin’ hero.

THEN, Hunter and Flair and Batista talked about stuff. Hunter would be honoured to be in the ring with Batista, even though Batista has accomplished practically nothing of merit so far, other than redundant musculature. Ya gotta love a guy who said one of his biggest influences in wrestling was the Warlord. Jesus, who says that? What’s next, Torrie saying she was always aroused by the discoloured lump below Dusty Rhodes’ right tit?

THEN, Edge walks with all the impassioned rage of Bible-thumping parent whose child just heard the word boobie.

*Commercials*

THEN, Edge battled Rhyno, who is clearly held in Vince’s regard just one notch above Mantaur and just one below Bushwhacker Luke. A battered Edge wins with a tap-out, killing Rhyno’s tough-guy cred. He then grabs the microphone and complains. He calls out Shawn Michaels. Is he here? JR and Lawler aren’t sure, but if he isn’t, it’s just going to be awkward when Marty Jannetty comes out and says he’s not Shawn but he can get a message to him.

*Commercials*

THEN, Shawn does come out, not wanting Marty to have any screen time. Why the fuck does he tuck his t-shirt into his pants? I know I’m not the first person to point this out, but Jesus Christ, if his bald spot gets any bigger and he starts wearing socks with sandals he’ll start reminding me of my dad. Grampa Shawn tells a story, instead of just slapping Edge’s face like he should, which would have been more unexpected, allowed Edge to become even more indignant, and just been a whole lot more entertaining. Shawn waxes on how he used to be obsessed and paranoid like Edge, but before he can convince Edge to commit to Jesus, he shows how insecure he still is when he gets thrown by a “You Screwed Bret” chant. Instead of ignoring the chant like an intelligent person, he accuses the fans of being Canadian, even though there is no logic to that suggestion whatsoever, and destroys the flow of the confrontation, which Edge tries to get back by saying he doesn’t give a damn about the fans. Kinda sad that Edge has more focus on the mic that HBK, but whatever. It leads to a pull-apart.

*Commercials*

THEN, they’re still going at it. I smell another blonde Canadian having to put over Shawn, maybe at Wrestlemania, because Michaels has misinterpreted the old bible passage to mean “treat others as if it were still 1996”. You’re on the Leprosy list, cock-face.

THEN, they’re still going at it. I smell another blonde Canadian having to put over Shawn, maybe at Wrestlemania, because Michaels has misinterpreted the old bible passage to mean “treat others as if it were still 1996”. You’re on the Leprosy list, cock-face.

THEN, Simon Dean comes out. He insults some people in Florida. It’s almost as if he reads his exact lines from previous towns, and just changes the name of the city in his promos. I hate this guy, but not enough to put him on the list. Kane comes out and tries the pills. Not having eaten pills since the days when his daddy Paul Bearer would grind flintstone chewables into his morning bowl of corpse flesh, Kane is shocked the pills don’t taste good. Someone with a metal spoon imbedded in their frontal lobe came up with this. Kane is defending fatties everywhere when Snitsky comes in and attacks him. This match was SO GOOD at the PPV, you see, that the fans demand more.

Snitsky is the ugliest fuck alive, I swear to God.

*Commercials*

THEN, Triple H sends Flair to butter up Batista. Negative reinforcement is just code for Flair performing fellatio on him.

THEN, the Canadian Chrises, Benoit and Jericho, team once again. JR makes my heart sing with joy when he mentions that they were once tag-team Champions a few years ago, but he doesn’t get the bonus points for mentioned who they beat. Christian and Tomko come out, so this is our match. It turns out to be the first passable contest of the evening so far, going almost TEN WHOLE MINUTES. Is this the same show everyone was praising the past few weeks? This is like waking up in the morning hung over and seeing how dirty the chick you boned really is. Anywho, the Chrises are awesome and they make this pretty good. Tomko once again messes this one up. He got rolled up at the PPV by a one-legged retard, and now here he misses the Crippler and pastes Christian with the boot. Apparently the “problem” he “solves” is low confidence levels in opponents. We get stereo tapouts, and my heart sings again. Did I mention Triple H was in both the Walls of Jericho and the Crossface for thirty seconds at the PPV and still didn’t tap? And that he’s got a big nose, and is boring, and has a fat wife? Okay, okay, he had to win. But why even do that spot, then? It made them look pathetic.

THEN, the Canadian Chrises, Benoit and Jericho, team once again. JR makes my heart sing with joy when he mentions that they were once tag-team Champions a few years ago, but he doesn’t get the bonus points for mentioned who they beat. Christian and Tomko come out, so this is our match. It turns out to be the first passable contest of the evening so far, going almost TEN WHOLE MINUTES. Is this the same show everyone was praising the past few weeks? This is like waking up in the morning hung over and seeing how dirty the chick you boned really is. Anywho, the Chrises are awesome and they make this pretty good. Tomko once again messes this one up. He got rolled up at the PPV by a one-legged retard, and now here he misses the Crippler and pastes Christian with the boot. Apparently the “problem” he “solves” is low confidence levels in opponents. If this signals the beginning of the end of the Christ/Ko combination, that will lower the tag-teams to, I believe, zero. Except for La Resistance, if you count them, which I don’t, because they suck. Anyway, we get stereo tapouts, and my heart sings again. Did I mention Triple H was in both the Walls of Jericho and the Crossface for thirty seconds at the PPV and still didn’t tap? And that he’s got a big nose, and is boring, and has a fat wife? Okay, okay, he had to win. But why even do that spot, then? It made them look pathetic.


THEN, Flair rushes back in to say Batista wasn’t in the mood to tickle his tonsils. Flair seems unsure as to whether or not they are really supporting Batista. He’s downright worried. “Because Champ, if we get rid of Batista it’ll just be you and me, and I’m too old to be of any value.” Then Flair’s hip spontaneously breaks. Hunter laughs, and takes Flair’s wallet.

THEN, we got a smackdown REBOUND. Everyone hates Smackdown but me. My heart frowns. Okay, I didn’t like last week’s, I gotta admit. Undertaker is too old to be undead. Zombie’s don’t get winded easily, as far as I know.

THEN, Lawler plugged the lingerie pillow fight. Here’s a segment begging to be live-crowd-only filler to keep the peeps going during commercial breaks. Still, King’s excited, so am I, although I am perturbed when Lawler says the girls in the match are ten years too old to arouse him.

THEN, Lawler plugged the lingerie pillow fight. Here’s a segment begging to be live-crowd-only filler to keep the peeps going during commercial breaks. Still, King’s excited, so am I, although I am perturbed when Lawler says the girls in the match are ten years too old to arouse him. But hell, they’re ten years too YOUNG to arouse ME! Cuz I LIKES ‘em ooooold!

*Commercials*

THEN, we saw Lita’s knee injury. Turned out pretty bad, ACL tear, and no Lita for several months. If Lita actually exercised, I bet this sort of stuff wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t a particularly risky spot. Extensive stretches, for at least half-an-hour, along with two-hundred hindu squats a day, all should do the trick. I feel bad for poor Trish, queen of a dead-in-the-water division. Someone needs to get on the telephone and get Aja Kong over here.

THEN, Christy and Maria had a pillow fight. I wish they would do more to distinguish these women. Christy is the crazy one, and Lillian is involved for some reason, but what does Maria mean to the audience? Anyway, the win comes with a pin that I must admit I want to beat off about out. It was okay because it was short.

THEN, Batista and Orton made their long walks. The entire show has been a dud, so I’m assuming they can’t do much worse. But one of them is Orton, so the possibility’s there.

*Commercials*

THEN, Chris Masters got a promo. I have never heard of this guy. He’s a hoss, though, so I got a fiver sez he sucks.

THEN, Orton and Batista go at it. It’s mostly punch-kick, with Batista taking over pretty much from the start. A chinlock is applied, because that’s the only way to tell a story in the ring. Triple is peppered with “You banged Chyna chants”, but it doesn’t make him assume the fans all have three-inch clits. Fuck you Michaels. Anyway, this goes nowhere, really. There’s a nice spot where Orton reverses the Batistabomb into a DDT. His ability to not completely fuck up amazes me. Triple H offers Batista a chair, which Batista doesn’t want because he believes in truth, justice, honour and loyalty. Orton on the other hand has no qualms about cheating and nails Dave’s face into the chair and rolls him up, and I was wrong, Orton fucks up the rollup and turns it into something that cannot possibly keep any normal person down, least of all Batista. But it serves its purpose. Evolution is all tense! What’s gonna happen next!?! BAH GAWD! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!




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darkmatcher
Bockwurst








Since: 12.2.03
From: New York, USA

Since last post: 2676 days
Last activity: 1752 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.23
I apologize in advance for my struggle with resisting temptation.


    Instead of ignoring the chant like an intelligent person, he accuses the fans of being Canadian, even though there is no logic to that suggestion whatsoever


No logic in suggesting that it takes a Canadian to be still hot and bothered by an almost an 8 year-old incident involving their national hero? Come now, you have to sort of see where it makes sense. Anyway, I believe the comment could be perceived as also being of use in advancing the in-ring story with Edge..suggesting that those chanting would for multiple reasons be the Edge's 'type' of people. I mean its obvious who the "you got some fellow Canadians here" line was being addressed to.
And sorry, but I don't see why Shawn shouldn't have the right to retort when the fans are attempting to disrupt him. Scott Keith said pretty much the same thing here, and well, you two do seem to have somethings in common. There are people who nevertheless thought that what Shawn did was pretty nifty(though I'll concede he would have done better to move on after "stay in your country"). I thought both men did a pretty good job..just a shame how some fans can't seem focus on the topic(angle) at hand. For all the charges of WWE not being able to drop the incident...I don't see how they're responsible when chants randomly pop up in Florida of all places.


    Still, King’s excited, so am I, although I am perturbed when Lawler says the girls in the match are ten years too old to arouse him.


I (obviously) skipped the segment, did Lawler really say that? I didn't think he could stoop so low...even if that's underestimating him.
Hogan's My Dad
Andouille








Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.61
Heh, no, Lawler didn't say that. That was all me.

As for the Shawn stuff, he was obviously rattled by it and the way he dealt with it clearly disrupted the flow of the segment. He should have just focused on the task at hand, which was getting that feud over. This is the same guy who says it is the fans right to boo or cheer whoever they want, but that rule stops at the Montreal incident?

I'm not even particularly sympathetic to Bret in terms of what went down back then, DM. I am not blindly jingoistic in terms of my Canadian-ness, and I certainly don't hate Shawn Michaels because of Suvivor Series '97. There's plenty of other reasons to hate him. I happen to think he's a hypocritical dick, and now he's a religious hypocritical dick which is even worse because it amplifies the hypocrisy.

I have never, ever denied the excellence of Shawn in the ring, but if he's not going to put anyone over he is causing harm to the product. And he has only lost cleanly to Triple H since his return in 2002. It is now 2005. It's time for this guy to do something more useful than just having a good match, like perhaps having a good match and elevating someone.

I gotta ask you why any Canadians would be in Florida in the middle of January. Sure, retirees, but surely retirees aren't going to go to RAW and start a vocal "you screwed Bret" chant. So I really don't think it made sense. Maybe you are underestimating the fact that Bret Hart was a great performer too, and maybe cluster of fans still think about him, even outside of Canada.

Anyway, thanks for reading. And pleeease tell me we still agree about Orton?





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Wolfram J. Paulovich
Frankfurter








Since: 11.11.02
From: Fat City, Baby

Since last post: 2956 days
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#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.11
    Originally posted by Hogan's My Dad
    I gotta ask you why any Canadians would be in Florida in the middle of January. Sure, retirees, but surely retirees aren't going to go to RAW and start a vocal "you screwed Bret" chant. So I really don't think it made sense. Maybe you are underestimating the fact that Bret Hart was a great performer too, and maybe cluster of fans still think about him, even outside of Canada.


Hogan's,

In case you missed a reference to it in the RAW thread, there is a sound logic in accusing the chanting fans in Lauderdale of being Canadian. During the coldest winter months, Florida suffers a minor invasion of vacationing Canadians, come to escape the snow and go swimming in the Gulf. We call them snowbirds. I have met some who've structured their Tampa vacations around when Canadian hockey teams have been playing the Tampa Bay Lightning, so it's possible some Canadian fans planned their Miami/Lauderdale trip around when WWE would be in town. There's probably a similar snowbird phenomenon along the Gulf coast in Michael's home state of Texas, too. So it's possible that that's what Michaels was thinking about. And like darkmatcher said, it also works within the Edge/Michaels screwjob storyline, too.

Regardless, there are plenty of Canadians in Florida coastal towns (Pensacola, Destin, Panama City, Jacksonville, Tampa, Sarasota, Naples, Ft. Lauderdale and Miami) during pretty much all autumn and winter months.



The Obtuse Angle Archive.
Hogan's My Dad
Andouille








Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 day
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.61
Fair enough, I've heard of snowbirds too. I just wouldn't automatically assume this phenomenon explained the chants, seeing as I've heard similar chants in other towns which aren't known as escape destinations for Canadians venturing south. Still seems like Michaels was reaching, and I doubt anyone anticipated the chants beforehand, so I fail to see how it could be expected to be played into the storyline, especially since last time they were in Toronto, Edge wasn't exactly Mr. Popular. I guess they're counting on HBK being the one guy Edge can get cheered against.



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darkmatcher
Bockwurst








Since: 12.2.03
From: New York, USA

Since last post: 2676 days
Last activity: 1752 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.23
Oh we absolutely still agree about Orton. And I still think your posts are great, its only the Shawn stuff that rattles me . I still think you justify your views well, even if I don't agree. But yeah, don't ever worry about me easing up on Orton.
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