OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! You were probably expecting me to come back with the next hot update of my hot 100 top wrestlers of all tiem list, but I'm not, I'm back with this: more Hot Newz! THis is becasue the top 100 is an ONGOING PROJECT that will probably take YEARS to complete so I can't miss out on reporting all teh hottest of hot newz! But first I have received literally several feedbacks on the first part of the top 100 and now I will reply to them right now!
hey dood wtf i've been reading you now for a long time nearly a year and you've never gotten anything wrong before never but you have now how can you say Jeff Hardy is only number 81 that means you're saying there's over a 100 wrestlers better than him have you ever seen anyone else do the swanton no you haven't and okay he doesnt take his shirt off anymore so that's bad but he's still great explain yerself right now okay! And by the way his band are called prettywhiteliarswithspikeyhearts not whatever gay thing you said!
First of all, nobody actually knows what Jeff's band is called, not even Jeff! Secondly of all it's not even a band, it's just Jeff wearing a baseball cap backwards and holding a guitar (but not actually playing it!) and reading aloud poetry about death and Final Fantasy games! Thirdly of all, good point about him not taking his shirt off anymore. He did deserve to be a little higher on the list just for that. Too late now. There's always Matt!
How can you possibily rate the top 100 wrestlers in the world when you obviously can't have seen them all wrestle!
First of all, if that's a question you should end it with a question mark, not an explanation mark! Secondly of all, I have seen them all! Well, most of them. For some of the more obscure names like Giant Bah Bah and Abraham Lincoln I've had had to rely on YouTube videos of POOR quality. And some of the names coming up aren't even on YouTube(!) so I've had to rely on the reports of resepcted wrestling jouranilsts like Dave Meltzer, Scott Keith, CRZ, Rajah and DANNYWWF82. REst assured that the list is 101% accurate or higher!
Do u watch LazyTown?
THAT'S NOT A QUESTION ABOUT MY LIST! (Yes, of course I do!)
As you ALL know unless you live under a mars rock, Vince Russo is now the head booker of TNA:NWA and has total creative control over everything! I decided to approach this with an OPEN MIND as I always do and give old Vinny Roo a chance so I got free comp tickets to IMpact tapings and flew down to Orlando to watch the whizzole thing!
I had great seats of course (I always do!) but unfrontunately I was right slap bang int he middle of all the TNA mutants who attend EVERY show the saddos! They were all doing the Eric Young dance and singing folk songs about Lance Hoyt and frankly I felt like throwing up! I told one of them I was Hot Newz and asked if he'd be silent so I could write my notes on the show, but he said he didn't know who Hot Newz was! So I said I was Shane and Stephanie McMahon's unknown brother here scouting talent for my dad Vince and that shut him up! Or maybe he just went to teh concession stand, I can't remember. Anyway, he was gay.
First up was an interview with Vince Russo! Everyone booed him but I cheered because you've got to give him a chance and he'd shaved his beard so maybe he really had changed! Russo said "okay first of all I don't even want to be out here on television like this, STANDARDS AND PRACTICES forced me to come out here and give an interview! But I promise this'll be the last time you ever do see me on tv! Just because I'm writing the show now, doesn't mean I'm going to be all over it like stink on a monkey! First of all I have to see that I had to write some minor storlyine changes just to make the show better, alright? Just minor things. First of all, Kevin Nash the new commissioner but he's also an alcoholic so he doesn't do any commissioner stuff, okay? Second of all, I need a bodyguard in case anyone is unhappy with how I'm writing the show and tries to jack me, so I've written into the script that I get a bodyguard at the end of the show. And thirdly, Kurt Angle will take on Rhyno tonight and Rhyno is a heel now so you have to boo him when he comes out. That's all, I swear! Oh, and a big Hollywood star will appear on the show tonight! Well, this is the last time you'll ever see me on tv, so bye-bye!" It was good of him to tell us that Rhyno is a heel now and I made a note of it in my notebook.
First match was Sense Shu, Alex Shelley and Johnny Devine against Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt and Jay Lethal. So we were all expecting JACKASS ANTICS and weren't disappointed when, ten minutes into the match, Lethal pulled a taser out of his trunks and shocked all the heels for the DQ! Then Dutt said "Why don't you taser MY NUTS!" and Lethal was about to when Sabin said "NO! This bullcrap's going to end. We're not going to steal from the movie Jackass anymore! It's stupid. If we're going to steal from any movie...it'll be Austin Powers, baby!" then Sonjay said "groovy!" and Lethal said "totally shagadelic!" and they all started dancing as the Austin Powers theme song played!
Backstage, the Naturals were talking to two hot girls! Andy Douglas said "so how about we go back to our hotel room and COMPLETE THE TRANSACTION if you know what I mean!" and the girls giggled and were about to go off with them when Shane Douglas jumped in and said "Hey! I didn't FRANCHISELISE you guys just to have you going off and having sex with girls! You need to be concentrating on YER wrestling skills, okay? I'll just take these girls..." and he took one girl on each arm and they giggled and he walked off with them. "Time to complete this FRANCHISETION!" Then Chase Stevens looked at Andy and said "So what do we do now? He's always taking the girls away just as we're getting horny! How can we work this horniness off?" and they both stared at each other for nearly a minute until Andy said "I wish I could quit you..." and leaned in for a kiss(!) and then suddenly you hear static and the picture goes all fuzzy but then the camera pulls back and you see that the fuzziness is just drawn on a card and Russo's holding it making the static noise! Russo said "Yeah, I know they did this in South Park too, but this is an emergency!"
They show Mike Tenay sitting at ringisde and he's looking angry at what he's just witnessed.
Next match was supposed to be Norman Smiley versus Eric Young who was dressed as a bear but Smiley said "aaaah, a bear!" and ran away for the countout!
Christy Hemme then came out to the ring and said "and now for a big Hollywood star to make an apperance, would you please welcome...LIAM NEESON!" And then sure enough the REAL Liam Neeson came out to the ring (some girl said it would be a fake but I knew girls are always wrong so it would be the real one!) and he was holding a piece of paper for some reason and he said "Thank you! It's great to be here at this wrestling event! I've been to a lot of wrestling events in my time but none of them have been as good as this one and it's all thanks to the vision of one man: Vince Russo! I'd just like to say..." then he looked angry. "Ah, screw it!" he ripped up the piece of paper! "Vince Russo gave me this script to read but I ain't doing it! I hate Vince Russo and I hate wrestlng! I'm only here because they're paying me a ludicrous amount! TNA sucks!" and we all cheered. Then out came Shane Douglas with those two girls still on his arms and he said "How DARE you say TNA sucks! I'm the franchise of this company and by saying that TNA sucks, you're sayinig I sucks! I don't sucks! I gots a good mind to FRANCHISE your ass!" Liam said "Franchise my ass? What the HELL does that even MEAN?" and he punched out Douglas with one punch(!) and left with the two girls! We all chanted "Li-am Nee-son!"
Next up, Kevin Nash comes out to the ring drinking a bottle of gin! And he says "hey, I'm the commish and I say rehire Scott Hall okay! Yeah I've falled on hard times but that don't mean I can't run this stupid show! Hey, Qui-Gonn! Oscar Schindler! Get your ass out here and I'll jacknife it, jack!" We all wanted Liam Neeson to come back out and kick his but instead Kipp Jammes, BJ Jammmes and the Dudlyez ran out with chairs and started hitting Nash all over the body with them until he was bleeding from his legs(!) then Brother Runt came out last and said "You know what this is about. You stole our banana." What does this mean!? Well apparently Russo is going to start telling stories using flashbacks like on Lost now so we'll find out the significance of "you stole our banna!" on a future Impact. I for one can't wait!
Back at the hotel the Naturals are about to go into their room for some hot loving but when they open the door America's Most Wanted come flying out and destroy them with big steel pipes! "If anyone's going to do a Brokeback Mountain angle, it'll be us!" they said!
At ringside Mike Tenay is throwing his pens about in anger.
Next it was time for Kurt Angle's debut against Heel Rhyno! First of all Rhyno took the mic and siad "Hey, remember that show Seinfeld? That show sucked!" Some people booed because they liked Seinfeld, a few cheered because they agreed and the rest just look confused because they didn't know why he was talking about Seinfeld. Kurt Angle came out and the place went crazy except me becasue I was writing in my notebook about how the place was going crazy. Angle said "Whooo! It's not Seinfeld that sucks, pal, it's YOUR ASS!" and it was time for the match! Angle used some technical wrestling but then Rhyno threw him over the top rope in a big bump and Angle's arm went limp and so did the left side of his face! The referee asked Angle if he was okay and he said yes (out of the right side of his face) and rolled back in the ring. Rhyno gave him a snapmare and suddenly Angle grabbed the left side of his chest and screamed "OH NO!" and the doctors ran in with defliberlators and shocked him! Then they carried him away on a stetcher and the referee gave a thumbs up and said "he's okay, folks!" Then Rhyno gored Don West threw a table!
Backstage on a HIDDEN CAMERA you see Angle suddenly jumping off his stretched and laughing saying "I fooled them all, Vince!" then Vince Russo hands him a brown envelope(!?) and says "you did well!"
Next up Christian Cage came out and we all laughed at him becuase he sucks without Edge. Christian said "I'm out here now to tell Sting exactly what I think of his old ass...no, I can't do it. I'm not going to LIE anymore. I'm not going to follow the script, Russo! Sting, you're my mentor! Come out here so I can apologise to you, please." Sting came out with a big baseball back and said "So you're sorry?" and Christian nodded sincerely. "Well sorry ain't good enough unless you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour!" Christian looked confused and said "I don't think it's really appropriate to talk about personal beliefs on tv like this..." then Sting smacks him right in the face with the baseball bat! Sting kept hitting him again and again in the ribs with the bat until Vince Russo came out and said "what are you doing!? This isn't what Jesus would want us to do...he'd want us to work the legs, too!" and pulled out his own bat and started pounding Christian's legs while Sting did the ribs until Christian was spitting up blood and there was also blood coming out his legs!
Mike Tenay punches his fist threw his desk in anger at these latest developments
Next up was LAX versus Christopher Daniels and AJ since this match has to be on every show ever, apperantly! Konnan was chewing gum and he spat it all over the referee for some reason. AJ hit the Styles Clash on Homicide (who has REALLY SHORT ARMS) but Homicide just popped up right away and wagged his finger then pointed down at his knees and he was wearing KNEE PADS so the Styles Clash didn't hurt him! Then Christopher Daniels kicked AJ in the balls for some reason and Hermandesz got da pin then Daniels said "I know what you've been doing with my with, AJ! But guess what? I've been sleeping with yours for long!" then a hot blond came out and made out with Daniels and AJ looked confused and said "that's not my wife!" and Daniels was shocked and the the blond said "I'm Russo's mistress, you idiot!" and slapped Daniels and ran away!
Mike Tenay pantomines hanging himself with his belt.
The last match was supposed to be Abyess versus Samoa Joe. Abyss came out first but then Vince Russo came out. "I knows I saids i'd nevers be on tv again, but I lied, esse!" he said. Abyss then put on a t-shirt which said "RUSSO'S BODYGUARD" on it! "I've gots some business to take care of, y'all! Remember earlier today when Sting beat the bullcrap out of Cage with a baseball? Well even though I approve of that, it was not the actions befitting a world champion, so Sting, I'm stripping you of that belt and awarding it to...Jeff Jarrett!" The fans booed so loud that I feard I'd go deaf! In the background Mike Tenay shouted "I can't take it anymore!" Tenay got up and dived into the ring! Tenay GORED Russo to a big pop but then Tenay looked like he was knocked out and Russo stood up laughing and revealed he had a big piece of steel over his chest just like Bret Hart that one time! But then the music hit and SAMOA JOE came out to a big pop! Joe stared down Russo...then put a t-shirt that said "JEFF JARRETT'S BODYGUARD" and took the belt and said "I'll deliver it to Mister Jarrett!"
The fans were so appalled that they started throwing bottles into the ring and Russo caught one and said "I ain't afraid!" and he drank out of it but then he held his throat and said "ah, I've been poisoned!" and collapsed! Then in the crowd you see a man with a beard threw the bottle and it's JIM CORNETTE in a falsed beard and he turns to run away but a fan grabbed him by the beard and pulled it and you could hear his neck SNAP(!) and he went down then it turned out the fan who grabbed him was D'LO BROWN (I thought he was dead!) and he said "Oh no, not again!" and ran away! And then Russo and Cornette were both loaded up in the same ambulance and for five minutes all we saw was the ambulance driving over bridges and under bridges all shot from a helicopter until finally it stopped and we saw Russo and Cornette both sit up and smile and Russo said "our plan worked!" and they shook hands and Cornette handed Russo a brown envelope(!?) then the ambualance driver turned round and it was RIKISHI and he said "My cousin THE ROCK will approve!"
This was the best TNA taping I've EVER been too and I've been to at least four!
Back soon with another update to the top 100 and maybe more if YER lucky, see you thizzen!
This is the collected bits of the stuff that I publish over on the IWS message board to announce matches. Sort of a print version of our video Bloodstream show, when we are organized enough to get that done.