Since this week, CRZ wants this place spoiler-free...I figured that we should relive some of the cooler SmackDown moments...that is, some of the cooler SmackDown Workrate Report moments. So, as a tribute to Dean Rasmussen and his 8 MONTH (and counting) EPIC, here is The Collected Secret Adventures of Al Wilson; Volume 1
PART ONE: AL WILSON- DEAD MACK WALKING [Originally posted January 30, 2003] Al Wilson arises from his valentine shaped bed, which is in the Lair of the Blastmaster 9,000 feet below his gravesite (where he faked his own death to get away from that crazy bitch Dawn Marie and his insufferable daughter- blonde bimbo Torrie.) Al is dressed and checking the clip to his 9. He lets the hot stacked Finnish babe sleep. He`s done enough to satiate his sensual appettite and- anyway- he`s got other fish to fry today. He motions over to Yellope- his butler. ``Yo, Yell. I know I owe you one for betting against you when them hotties coached by Pat Summit lost to your uptight white girls from UConn. Tell ya what. Inge here is gonna need some early morning sumpin sumpin and it would do my heart good if you take care of her while I go to the surface and see WHAT THE FUCK your boy Baron Von Raschke is doing.`` Yell looks at Al and smiles, ``You got it, cheese. I`ll get her sweet ass home when she gets done. What THE FUCK has the Baron done now?`` Al smiles and sticks his flask of Johnny Walker Red in his overcoat inside pocket. ``Crazy Lutheran motherfuckah done got his hands on a Nazi Power Wig. Seems that Paul Jones Laboratories in Guatemala perfected it last year and now he`s leased it to the Baron. I don`t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that motherfuckers in Washington call me at fucking FIVE A M and want me to come out today and get a debriefing.`` ``Good luck, my brother.`` Al gets all serious on his butler and says, ``If anybody calls, tellem I`m dead.`` They laugh and hug and Al disappears into the night THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted February 13, 2003] Baron Von Raschke fingers the rim of his brandy snifter as he sits in his captains chair overlooking a bank of flashing computers. Mildred, his wife, enters the room. ``Jim, why are you wearing that monocle? and why are you wearing that wig? What the hell...`` ``Vere is no more of zis so-called `Jim Raschke`. That man is dead.`` `` Jim, what on earth is wrong with you?`` ``Mildred, I love you... I loved you more than Jim ever did or COULD. So many years I had to wait and wait.... HOOPING for some vay to RETURN! He touched you vith mein hands... kist you vith mein lips. Those days are over. NOW ZAY ARE MEIN HANDS! ZESE ARE MEIN LIPS! Your pitiful life as a Lutheran volunteer iz over, my only love. Ze Baron vill give you EVERYTHING that you deserve. Ze Baron will treat you like ZAT IDIOT Jim NEVAH COULD! You, my only love... you, my tender precious flower.... You will sit by side in your angelic queenly majesty. AND HAND IN HAND, you and I VILL RULE VE VURLD!`` ``Oh my GOD, Jim! You`ve lost your mind!`` ``Darlink, you vill go upstairs now. Ze Baron must finish his plans.`` Mildred quietly leaves the man she has loved dearly for 43 years. She is shaken but she stoically gathers herself and quietly places a call to the Minnesota health and human services department. The Baron wig glows and writhes like Medusa`s snakes. And pinkish red energy wells up in the former Jim Raschke`s eyes. ``Al Vilson... do not sink zat I do not know you are coming my vay. Also know zat I vill have many surprises for you. Vat do you know about love, Al Vilson? Vat do you know about anysing?`` The Baron sleeps... THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted February 27, 2003] Al Wilson walks along the dreary corridor of Trans-Eastern Airlines terminal after touching down in St Paul, Minnesota. The security guard eyes Al suspiciously and springs into action when Al’s Glock sets off the alarm. Al is surprised then disgusted with himself. “Fuck, how could I forget that? Jesus...” Wilson was never this sloppy and he didn’t like the tone it set for the mission. He thought how it would look if this made the news as he quickly flashed his government credentials before the guard could cause too much of a ruckus. Al understood the value of real sincerity and how it can get out of a jam. “Sorry, big man. I forgot I had it on me. You want any other identification. I know this is a difficult time for you motherfuckers.” “Naw, that’s cool. Be more careful next time.” “Yeah, I can dig it. I’ll get you up with one of my bitches when I come back.” Al meant it and the guard knew that he meant it. The guard’s eyes light up and he whispers, “Holy fuck, you’re the MACK, Al Wilson…” “Keep it on the downlow, my brother. I got business to tend before I can get up with any pleasure. But I gotcha covered soon as I finish.” “Skoal, Brother.” Meanwhile, across the food court-styled waiting area, a trollish and smelly little man talks into his wristwatch. “Yesssssss, massster, he issss HERE. He just walked past security.” Mull-KEY- (the third, abandoned Mulkey brother who was thrown in the river as a baby by the same mad scientist who genetically concocted the first Mulky tagteam) was taken in by Baron Von Raschke’s gentle alter-ego, the Lutheran church volunteer named Jim- a man who is buried deeply in the mind of Baron von Raschke, if he still exists at all. The Baron used his PowerWig to quickly command mull-KEY’s meager, mutated mind to do his evil bidding, turning a physically wretched yet gentle and kind creature into the twisted toad that he was currently. “Excellent, mein beloved mullKEY. Stay very far away from him but do not lose site of him. You vill tell me where he is every ten minutes and zat is all you need to know.” “Yessss, master….” Al Wilson walks out to the Trans-Eastern luggage claim and is greeted by his government liason, Glenda Della Testerossa-a.k.a. CODENAME ULTRAVIXEN. “Hey, sport. Glad you could make it.” Glenda was an astounding redhead from Champagne, Illinois- who also happened to have more confirmed kills than your commercial plane crash. Many of them were from killing enemy government agents while she had them ``in the saddle`` as she called. Other times they wouldn’t have a smile on their faces when Glenda would feed them all the hot lead their heads could hold. No man could resist her endless charms and Al Wilson is no exception. “Goddamn, Glenda. I wish I wasn’t so fucking professional. Goddamn, you look better every time I see you.” “Oh you..... I forgot how sweet you are when you`re not fucking jive turkeys up. Yeah, I heard some stuff through my sources. I heard some things about you and I was concerned. How have you been?” “Ditched the wife by faking my own death- and my daughter was so distraught that she posed for Playboy three weeks later.” “Damn. That’s pretty fucked up.” “Yeah, to say the least. Fuck it, baby. It ain`t nothing but a thing. That`s the way of the world. You plant your flowers and they grow. In this biz you can`t dwell on that kind of shit. Hell, I`m glad she`s over it so fast. She can get on with her life without me worrying as much about her. So how you been? I mean- Goddamn- every motherfucker alive already knows how good you look. Goddamn.” “ Oh, Al, cut it out. No use getting all torqued up when we’ll just have to spin our wheels without ever getting to blow our stack. Actually, I’ve been all right. Luckily, I’ve been too busy to be lonely. You know how this job gets to you. Duty over feelings. Love for country over love of anything else. You know the drill. Well before we both start busting out crying like two sunday school teacher, enough of the niceties. Lemme show you what we brought for you to drive.” “Oh cool. I hope it’s the purple Challenger again. That shit was BAD.” “I carry the biggest piece of that car in my purse. It’s a lot bigger than what’s left of the motherfucker I blew up in it.” “Jesus.” “Oh yeah. It was a mess. I think they found his molar and that was about it. So no. No purple Challenger. No SuperSport. We were thinking that the Baron is going to use a lot of manpower and use a lot of guns and a lot of deathrays and God knows what- so we decided to go big and armoured.” “I don`t like where this is going. I ain’t driving no fucking SUV…” “Chill out, my pet. I`m your girl. I know your sense of style is important to you doing a job well. Here we go…” They approach Glenda`s hook-up for Al. ``I read in my file on you that you always had a thing for Cadillacs`` and she then motions grandly to the pristine 1972 white convertible El Dorado. “Goddamn, Glenda, I can`t believe this. I want to fuck you so bad right now…” ``Yeah, but I might shoot you in the head out of force of habit.`` ``Oh honey darlin... what a wonderful way to die....`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted March 6, 2003] Al let the emergency brake go and he put in his lucky Best of Earth Wind and Fire tape. He tried not to think about his growing feelings for Glenda. It`s falling into the night and he heads for town. ``Tell the story, morning glory, allllll about the serpentine fire- oh oh ``. Al Wilson checks the switches on the hidden weaponry of his 72 convertible El Dorado. ``Bulletproof glass, rocket launchers, ramrods, flame thrower... good good good... What the....?`` Al`s eyes quickly dart to his rearview mirror and he notices a 1980 Toyota Corona- the precursor to the Corolla. ``Is that a..... man driving? Hmmmmm... I wonder if that is MullKEY that Glenda was talking about...`` Al pulls into a 7-11, seeing if he is actually being followed by the strange man. The El Dorado pulls into the empty parking lot and Al steps out. The Corona pulls into the Hardees across the street and cuts off its lights. The 7-11 clerk is 24. She is mother of two and has been struggling to get by for a while and has been trying her whole life to escape the service industry. Al notices this by seeing the look in her eyes and he dies a little inside. ``Hey, chief. Whatcha need? ``Hey doll, you got a back door in this place? I got to circle around without being seen from the street.`` ``I can`t let you back there. It`s for employee`s only.`` ``Well, you`re an employee, maybe you could give me a tour. Pretend I`m a health inspector. I`m an expert on Smoky Big Bites.`` Al looks straight into her eyes and smiles as she laughs despite herself. ``Allright, let me lock up.`` Al Wilson knew what was going to happen this night before he went out the backdoor. He knew that look in a woman`s eyes and what it leads to. He didn`t want to take advantage of a desperate woman working for a living, but he had to get to the Hardee`s parking lot and he didn`t want to endanger the mission. He also knew that what he would give to her would never be matched by any other man in her lifetime. ``Walk this way, big man.`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted March 13, 2003] Al gently kissed her lips and brushed the hair away from her face. She was serene and happy for a moment. "You better go, big man." "Al. My name is Al. You are such a beautiful creature and the wonder of how you move in the height of our passion made me glad that you are the woman you are and that I am the man that I am. What's your name, little girl?" "Let's just kiss and say goodbye. You are the perfect stranger. Let's keep it like this." Al smiled in worldly knowledge and understanding. "Sure thing, honey baby. Would be upset if I slipped out the back right now? I got to take care of some things." "Yeah, I got to get back to my shift...." "I want to see you again. Put this in your purse. It looks like a credit card but it's kind of a pager. When it goes off, call the number. We'll get together again. Next time, we'll go out and get something to eat first." "I look forward to it." She believed Al because Al was telling the truth. He kissed her and smiled and slipped into the night. Al's demeanor turned very stern as he circled wide and went behind the Hardees. Putting his all-access government card in the sensor at the back door, the backdoor slid open and the Hardees workers stopped what they were doing and turned and looked. "We were wondering when you would get here, Al. He only ordered a Monster Burger combo and we could only stall him for 15 minutes with the sequence 76-A9 Fry Delay." "Lee-lee, you know how I do but sorry I'm late. You looking good as ever. It's good to see you. Did you put the stuff in his drink?" Lee-lee was one of the first Hardees shift managers and was the one who suggested to her government spymasters that better service and edible food was a better way to keep Hardees from looking so much like a mafia front. "Yeah, it's fixing to kick in. Get situated in the men's room. It can't be too long now." "Thanks. Damn Lee-lee, can I get some fries with that shake?" "Go fuck yourself, Al. Get that motherfucker and then maybe we'll see what we got shakin' afterwards." "Oh yeah, I'm all over it, sugar baby." Al walks through the trapdoor and appears instantly behind MullKEY- who is peeing out as entire supersized Dr Pepper. "Mullkey, what the word, motherfucker?" "WHAT THE? Thissssssssss issss a sssurprisssse indeed, Mr Wilsssssson." "Allright, enough chitchat, my brother. You talk and I'll listen. Where's the Baron? I advise that you spill it. You don't want die in a Hardees bathroom with your dick in your hand, do you?" "Sssssuch vulgarity one who isss ssssuppossed to be such a refined international lover..." The ceiling tiles suddenly swing back and- landing behind Al- is 5 of the Baron's genetically engineered Devastation Incorporated Ninjas. "And you didn't really think I came alone......" THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted March 20, 2003] The ninjas start kicking Al Wilson in the face and in groin. Al collapses to the floor, gasping for air. ``Massster, should I kill him now?`` ``MullKEY, you have done very vell. I vill lavish you vith revards. Yes, kill him quickly while you can.`` ``Mr Wilsssssson, you heard the man. Time for you to die.`` SUDDENLY the walls to the bathroom fall away outwards and the Sisterhood of Hardees Secret Agents spring at the ninjas from every direction. Linda Whitcombe (CODENAME Lee-Lee) is the first to fly wildly into a cross-armbreaker and rips a ninja`s arm out of joint after breaking it in half, ``Fuck you and your arm, motherfucker``. Josephine Wagner (CODENAME Jo Jo) uses her brass knuckles ``Awwww you ninja motherfucker!`` Ninja teeth are bashed out as she throws hooks and jabs and uppercuts like the most vixen-like Sonny Liston that could ever exist. Samantha McNeill (CODENAME SYCHO SAM) swings her size 39 Louisville slugger, smashing the knee of a hapless ninja, ``you dickless rat-soup-eating motherfucker!`` Al gets to his feet and sees MulKEY sprinting for the door. Al springs to his feet and dives over the plastic seat and table combo and lands on MulKEY in a heap. Al drives hellish punches into the face of MulKEY, who is spitting blood and teeth out of his mouth as his eye swells shut. ``Okay, you little motherfucker. Where is the Baron?`` ``Fuck you, Wilsssssssooooooo.....`` and the cyanide capsule hidden behind his molar takes effect. ``DAMN! Jesus. That`s some shit. Poor misbegotten motherfucker.`` Al lets go of MulKEY`s lifeless body and it collapses to the floor. ``You ladies allright? Thanks for saving my bacon.`` ``Don`t worry about us, are you allright?`` ``I`m good. I`m getting too old for this shit.`` ``This hasn`t even started. We got a new file on what the Baron has been up too. It ain`t pretty.`` ``I guess we need to get some information out of these ninjas before they figure out a way to kill themselves.`` ``Al, we`ll get it out of them. Lay back, I`ll get you a Frisco burger. They`ve got secret healing power.`` ``Jo Jo, you are one bad mamajama- just as bad as you can be. Y`all ain`t nothin but fine. And I mean that.`` ``And you damn right that we`re fine. I`m a bad bad missus in my skintight britches.`` Al starts to laugh but keels over from his broken ribs. THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted March 27, 2003] - Baron Von Rashke looked up from his videoscreen and the look of disgust wasn`t veiled at all. ``Al Vilson has killed a good and faithful zervant. You vill pay, my cunning zex machine opponent.`` The Baron fought back a tear for his faithful companion and spent a few minutes walking around his underground laboratory, memories flooding his head as he remembers saving MullKEY from the certain death the Gladiators had devised for him- throwing his mutated form in the St Paul river, how he nursed him back to health, how he taught him everything he knew. Thoughts came back to his wife, who had fled from him to a woman`s shelter when jim Von Raschke`s insanity had become complete. ``Ze only woman I could ever love thinks me a MADMAN. My companion- the closest thing I have ever had to a son- is now dead. ZERE. ZERE were the only two things that have kept ANY part of me civil and human. I have had enough. Zere vill be no mercy. Zere vill be no compassion. Zere will only be pain. Zere vill only be AGONY! AL VILSON, I now unleash on you my most evil and hellish force- MY MASTERPIECE of BRILLIANCE! YOU VILL FEEL MY MIGHT! YOU VILL SHUTTER IN FEEEEEEEAR as you LOOK at ze FACES AND FORMS OF.....wait...`` The Baron quickly puts on his cape and monocle to make sure he was truly in his moment of RENEWAL, his phoenix-like ascent from the ashes of his own self-doubt and insecurity. He punches in the code to instantly thaw out two figures that rise out of the cryogenic chambers in the floor. The light dances off the glitter of hats and metallic skin. The light dances off the glitter of their vests. ``Yes, you zwarmy needle-dicked motherfugga, YOU, AL VILZON, will not LIVE long enough to regret the day you first faced THE HELL AND FURY... OF THIS!.....MY MINIONS! MY DEATHDEALERZZZ! YES, IT IS THE GLORY OF THE MECHA-JIVETONES!`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted April 4, 2003] - Al Wilson bids adieu to the lovely ladies of Hardees and knows that he will need their help before the Baron is destroyed. He gets into his Cadillac and starts rolling down the road with New York brim and his gold tooth display. His cell phone rings and he answers. ``Wilson.`` ``My brother, this is...Jivetone Tiger. I ain`t...feeling so good, m`man.`` ``JTT, what happened? Where are you?`` ``The Baron... He attacked us and I.. think took our DNA... Can you come get me...`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted April 17, 2003] The Baron looked over his handy work and was happy but he knew it wasn't enough. He spoke to stuffed corpse of MullKEY- who he kept presevered behind the table holding all of his beakers. "Oh MullKEY, how I have failed you. You vere my only true friend.... here, I have assembled an army... AN ARMY! You have seen mein MechaJiveTones. Zey vill be formidible. But, alas, zey vill not be enough. Let me show you, my unfortunate friend, what else I have BROUGHT TO ZIS GOT-FORSAKEN VORLD! KNOW TOO, MEIN FRUEND, THAT ZERE VILL BE NO PEACE, ZERE VILL BE NO HARMONY for ANYVONE! EVER!!!!! Yes, look at zis.." Though MullKEY was very dead, the Baron felt the need to pull a veil on two figures. "Ze first thing ve need is a female to play into Vilson's pathetic veakness of the flesh. Some voluptuous, someone tempting, someone with a really set of knockerzzzz! Look upon her, mein dead friend! Even YOU try to return from your eternity in Perdition to touch her skin, to kiss lips, TO RECIEVE THE LOVE OF THE HELLCAT! THE VIXEN! THE GENETICALLY PEEEERRRRFECT... CYBER BIG MAMA!" She was an titanium alloy cyborg wrapped with the cloned flesh of perfect centerfold skin. Her hair was Farrah Fawcett Majors' mixed with Joey Heatherton to reach that perfect frame for her Elke Sommers-based perfect Tutonic face. Her eyes blazed with devillish seduction and passion. Her chest heaved with waves of sexual energy. No man could possibly say no. No man could possibly resist her. The Baron was pleased with his work. "Zis is not all. Ze MechaJiveTones will break his body, CyberBig Mama zill break his spirit, but he vill TRULY DIE ven I UNLEASH FURY...." the second veil hits the ground. The light hits the tatto across the final robot's chest- "Come To Papa". "... I UNLEASH THE FORCE AND DEVASTATION of..... ZE ROBO-BOOGIEWOOGIE MAN!" SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted May 22, 2003] ``All the laddies catcall and wolf whistle....`` Al Wilson is in a daze as he comes to. His face was cut and he figured out that the blood was coming mostly from a gash on his right cheekbone. ``Someone... playing...old Elvis Costello... what the hell...`` and he falls back into semi-consciousness before comprehending his underground surroundings. Baron Von Raschke spins in his captain`s chair, startled out of deep concentration, ``Ah, Mr Vilson, you are awake. You vill be back in the land of ze living. For a little vile anyvays.`` The Baron spins in his chair again away from his semi-conscious captive and listens to the words of Elvis Costello intently- ``... though she has no sense for all your jealousies, in a sense she still smiles very sweetly...`` Al Wilson comes to for one more minute to notice the underground lair of the Baron. ``.. her body moves with malice, do you have to be so cruel to be callous...`` The Baron slumped over in deep concentration in his chair, the CyberBoogie-WoogieMan shut down in the corner- it`s hand gone but other than that, no worse for the wear. ``You say you have no secrets and move discreetly....`` Each line drives another furrow in the Baron`s brow and he is now lost in thought. ``Oh my precious Jennifer, vat has become of you?`` The Baron thinks back to his youth in Minnesota. It was Lutheran Summer Camp when he met his first love, Jennifer. She was tanning in a lawn chair, listening to radio when he walked past. The Baron was 15, strapping, strong, Teutonically handsome but as awkward as any 15 year old. ``Hey, you`re that guy that hangs out with that creepy guy, Skandar, ain`tcha?`` ``Herr Akbar has a bitchin` car, and zat it vy I hang out vith him for ze most part....`` ``Oh yeah, he has that Z28. Those cars are bitchin` but I always wondered how a big boy like you fit into such a small car.`` ``Oh, uh.... you know, it is quite roomy on ze inside. Mein torso is quite long but my legs aren`t overly long...`` ``Yeah, but those big arms of yours- you must work out.`` ``Vell, I vant to make ze varsity wrestling team in ze fall so I benchpress, use ze bullvorker, eat a lot of raw eggs, vat have you...`` ``Ewwww, raw eggs!?`` ``Oh yes, it is very grim and grotesque but I need ze protein to build muscle vile keeping my veight down.`` ``I could stand to lose a couple pounds, it`s all these Marathon bars and RC colas they sell at the canteen...`` ``Nonsense! You are quite lovely and your weight is perfectly proprotionate. Vy vould you worry about such a thing?`` ``Are you kidding- look at these calves. They`re so coated in pudge they should be on a cattle drive.`` Jennifer takes the Baron`s hand and puts it on her calf. ``See! Feel all that fat?`` ``Vell, I...I cannot possibly think of fat at zis moment. Your skin is so soft and perfect....`` The Baron quickly removes his hand from her calf before he can become completely transfixed. ``Oh that`s because I use this Coppertone with moisturizer while I`ve been laying out. It works wicked good but I gotta be careful with it or I`ll break out. My skin is pretty sensitive and I`ll be popping zits all summer if I use it too much.`` ``If you ever need help vith your zits... or anything at all... feel free to call on me and I vill help you.`` ``Why thank you, Baron. Tell you what, if I get one in the square of my back and I can`t reach it, you get first shot at squeezing it.` ``It vould be an honor and privilege.`` The song starts on the radio, a guitar jangles over a simple beat and Greg Kihn sings. ``Oooo! I love this song `we had broken up for good jus an hour before uhuhuhuh uhuhUHUHUH``` Jennifer bops to the beat, her red hair in a bob making time to the rhythm. The Baron is transfixed and confused and delighted all at once. He forces himself to quickly respond. ``I also enjoy zis song very much. It is about heartbreak and melancholy, yet ve could dance to it if ve had to...`` ``Hey, we could dance to it at the Sadie Hawkins dance Friday. You wanna take me?`` The Baron is taken aback and tries to play it cool ``Oh yes, I am intrigued zis American tradition of the role reversal of the Sadie Hawkins Dance. And I vould love to accompany one as beautiful as you, mein sweetest rose petal....`` ``Cool! Pick me up at 6:30. You can take me to me to Pizza Hut.`` ``Excellent! Ve vill eat from ze salad bar and you may pick ze toppings. Pepperoni, Canadian Bacon, vatever your heart desires. I vill leave you now as I float on away on a cloud thinking of ze beauty of your azure eyes.`` ``Your soo odd. I`ll see you at 6:30 if I don`t see you before.`` The Baron`s young heart was pounding with a flood of new emotions. The Greg Kihn song ran through his head as he walked to he and Skandar`s tent on the other side of the campground. The memory of her red hair and blue eyes filled his every waking thought until he drifted off into the cotton candy soft world of sleep- the sleep of a boy who is filled with the first rush of new love. THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted May 29, 2003] Skandar's Z28 was blaring out the Van Halen. He is 16 and has a crewcut and state patrol sun glasses. He is filled with teen energy- too much sex drive and too few destinations or opportunities to take the matter into his own hand. Baron smiles as the car pulls up beside him. Skandar is screaming along to the song blaring out of Alpine speakers with power boosters. "Baby PLEASE! I cain't take it anymo-oh! I'm takin whiskey to the party tonite and I'm looking for somebody to SQUEEEZE!" Skandar smiles and turns the stereo down. "Hey faggot." "Skandar, you are zuch a divine shithead. Vere are ve going?" Baron flops in the passenger seat, the crunch of Hardee's biscuit wrappers and Big Gulp cups rise from the floorboard. "I ain't got shit to do and all fuckin summer to do it, motherfucker- what do you think I'm doin? We gotta do something tonight. I'm bout to bust. I'm up for gettin some." "Getting some vat, Herr Akbar?" "C'mon, motherfucker. Pussy. SOME PUSSY! PUSS-AY!" "Vat is this American slang term you use?" "Oh FUCK ME RUNNIN, MOTHERFUCKER- you have GOT to be kidding me. I talkin about PUSSY! God, you really are some kinda German faggot. You know: pussy. Cooch. Quim. Cooter. Poon tang. Gravy boat. Nappy dugout." "Ah, vagina." "Fuck yeah I'm talkin bout getting some vagina, ya fuckin idiot...." " I am tired of driving around talking to girls who don't want to talk to us. Ve get drunk and ve end up getting in fights and I end up busting some poor bastard teeth out. Anyvays, I think I have met somebody zat I love." "Baron, you have GOT to be shitting me. What's a Germanic sex stud like yourself getting mixed up in a thing like love? What the fuck?" "Her name is Jennifer. She hangs out by ze canteen..." "No fucking way, I know who your talking about. She's tasty. She's a real fox. What the fuck? She likes you?" "I zink she does. Ve are goink to ze Sadie Hawkins day dance zis Friday." "No. Fuckin. WAY! That's completely awesome. Old Baron's coming round to the a-dult world. You gonna fuck her or what?" The Baron felt a rage build in throat and his fists clenched together. "You are mein fruende, but I vill kill you if you ever speak of her like zat again." "Holy shit, Baron. Chill out. I'm just joshin'. Shit." "I'm sorry, Skandar. I am just a little sensitive and confused..." "I can dig it, m'man. I've been with the ladies and had them get me all mixed up. Then I realized that I gotta play the field and get in my pokes before I get old. I mean, I useta walk around hard as a weddin dick before I figured out how to play the field and get all the pussay. But it's cool man. Love is beautiful. It just ain't for me. You know what I mean? So, you dream about her?" "Yes. Yes I do. She vill appear in the middle of my dreams- like last night I vas in a restaurant and she came in and joined us at ze table and I...and I...AND I VAS UNLEASHED! And I held her tightly in my ARMS AND I KISSED HER AND ALL OF ZE ENERGY IN THE UNIVERSE VAS UNLEASHED IN OUR KISS! AND I VEPT WHEN ZE BASTARD OF VAT IS ZE REAL VORLD BROUGHT ME BACK TO ZIS MUNDANE PLANE OF EXISTENCE! I CURSED MY ROOM AND BED AND I CURSED THAT IT VAS ONLY A DREAAAAM!! To hold her in my arms.... to kiss her vith mein lips.... to make mein dreams a... REALITY! I am NOW alive. She has made me ALIVE! I cannot remeber ze vorld before her...." "Uh... shit. Well fuck, Baron. That's pretty fucking intense. Why don't we go drop in on her? It's not that far away and seeing you in my bad ass car will make you look cooler." "Yes, let's do that. I vould like to see her. She has many friends- maybe they vould enjoy your loud music and tobacco spitting." "Yeah, chicks dig that shit. Chewing tobacco isn't gross like smoking but it still makes you look mature. And chicks dig tunes. We'll ride up in our cool ride, jamming the tunes, being cool... the sweet pussAY is in the bag!" The Baron laughs a deep, hearty laugh. "You are a fucking idiot, Skandar, but I like you." THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted June 5, 2003] Skandar revved the engine as they pulled up to the canteen. ``Mr Crowley`` by Ozzy Osbourne and the Blizzard of Oz blaired out of Skandar`s Alpine speakers with powerbooster. ``WOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH!`` Skandar stuck his head through the sunroof and air guitared while the Baron tried to find a place to hide. ``Skandar, you idiot. You are blowing mein cool.`` ``Suck it, Raschke, this part fucking rules! Miiiister Crowley- DUN DUN DUN- did you talk to the de-hed!`` Jennifer came out of the back of the snackbar and smiled. The last rays of sunlight of the day backlit her hair and the Baron was frozen in time. ``She is an angel......`` She smirked at the Baron. ``Tell your friend to turn that shit down.`` Skandar turned down the volume before the Baron could even glare at him. ``Yo, Jenn. German boy wanted me to drive up here and get him some homefries so be easy on a workin man, sweet mama. I`m gonna hook up with Jimmy and Bill playing volleyball with them honies over there. Come get me when you want to roll outta here, my brotha. `` ``Thank you, Skandar. I von`t be too long.`` Skandar walks down by the lake a hundred yards where they had created a sandpit for volleyball. ``Hey my brothahs, llaaadies! The man of the HOUR is HERE!`` The Baron is nervous and he keeps darting his eyes around. ``How have you been, beautiful Jennifer? I hope zat it is okay if I popped in like zis. I do not zant to scare you vith mein puppydog crush.`` They both laugh and push each other around like the young in love will do. ``Oh come on. I been thinking about you all day. Hey, can you do something for me?`` ''Yes, anyzing for you, mein petite chou....`` ``Cool. I got this pickle jar I can`t open.`` ``Oh, definately give it here. Zis should not be a problem...`` The Baron uses his giant hands and tremendous grip to open the pickle jar with uncanny ease. Jennifer notices Baron`s bicept contract and her breath is shortened as she tries to quell her first flush of real womanly lust. ``Wow, Baron. You are so strong! Look, shug, I gotta get back to work. Stop by anytime.`` Jennifer pecks Baron on the cheek and the Baron is lost with tailspin of uncontrollable crushing affection. ``I vill see you soon. Will tomorrow be okay?`` ``Sure.`` and Jennifer disappears into the canteen and the Baron looks to find Skandar. He ambles to the lake in a daze, not caring if he ever gets home- the waking hours becoming more enchanting than his sweet dreams of love. THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted June 13, 2003] The Molly Hatchet screeched from Skandar`s Alpines: ``Got a gator in the bushes- she`s callin` my name- saying c`mon boy, let me take you back home again...`` ``Skandar, mein freunde, if you ever ask me to smell your finger again, I svear to GOTT zat I vill kill you with mein own two hands.`` ``Oh fuck that, motherfucker. You`re my boy and I wanted to share with you how fuckin clean Becky is, man. She is completely BAAAD. I mean just fuckin` BAAAAD. I swear to God I`ll be fucking her before the summer is over. I fuckin guarantee it.`` ``Skandar, you are zo full of shit. It isn`t that I do not vish for you to enjoy the pleasure of love- no matter how smelly and grotesque, it is just that your lust is so shallow. Why do you bodder me mit your tales of debauchery when all I care about is love. TRUE love...`` ``HA! Fuck that shit. Look, Raschke, you can spend all summer holding hands and picking flowers and knitting fuckin doilies with your girly friend. I, my brothah, am going to get as much pussy as I POSSIBLY can. I mean FUCK IT. I heard Becky sucked Tray`s dick on the band ski trip last year so I figure she`ll suck mine soon enough if I keep taker her to the movies every Friday. Then one thing leads to another and soon- Complete Dick Maintenance.`` ``Sounds like a plan. Maybe she vill donate the penicillan for your herpes, herr Akbar...`` ``Oh fuck you, man.`` They laugh and laugh. ``But FUCK IT. I`d do a few rounds of penicillan to get a piece of THAT ass...`` ``You repulse me, my redneck friend... pull over to ze store and let`s get some derelict to buy us some of your vatery, piss-like American beer.`` ``Now you`re talking, motherfucker! WOOOOOOOO!`` Skandar cranks up the Hatchet and gets a wheel. ``Dreams! I got my dreams! To Remember! Ah Yeah! And I been strung up.. on dreams- I`m never gonna see yeah.`` ``Herr Akbar, I vill tell you now- Molly Hatchet does very much fucking rule.`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted June 26, 2003] It was getting late in the afternoon and Baron and Skandar are sitting on a picnic table waiting for Jennifer to get off work. They had swam in the briny water and water skiied. Now they were talking about the retarded shit that only teenage boys talk about. ``Fuck yeah, you know that song `Pearl Necklace`...`` ``Yes, ze vun by ZZ Topp. Zat song is fucking completely bad ass. I cannot understand a vord zey say.`` ``Well anyway, I was over my brother Bobby`s house and we were crankin` it... you know, on his bad ass Pioneer component set with those fucking completely boss 15 inch Pioneer speakers... you know `PEARL NECKLACE! SHE WANNA PEARL NECKLACE! and we`re singing along and having a good old time and anyway, Donna- my brother`s wife- says, `Y`all know what a pearl necklace is, right?` We were like, `yeah, it`s this song.``` ``Right, Skadar, zis song- it is about giving jewelry to a demanding woman I gather...`` ``Well Donna`s been round the block and shit. She useta ride with Satan`s Slaves in California before she moved back east and met my brother. She ain`t got no front teeth and Bobby says she`s got Satan Slaves tattooed on her ass and all- which is fucking awesome. Anyways, she says, `naw, you guys don`t know shit about shit. A pearl necklace is when a fella cums on your neck and it looks like a necklace.` Me and Bobby look at each other just fuckin start laughing and Donna starts laughing. As you can imagine, we all just fell the fuck out. That Donna is fucking wild.`` ``Jesus Krist, Skandar, zat is repellent! Are there girls who enjoy zat kind of thing?`` ``Well, there`s always your mama...`` Skandar and the Baron laugh and laugh and the Baron has a moment of epiphany, ``WAIT! Waitwaitewait! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!`` ``What?`` ``No. no. In ze song, he says, `ze kind she`s talking about really don`t cost zat much`! DON`T YOU SEE! She is talking about HIS SEMEN! ZAT IS SHEER GENIUS! SHE VANTS HIS SEMEN! HE REALIZES ZAT HIS A PEARL NECKLACE MADE VITH HIS SEMEN REALLY WON`T COST ZAT MUCH! Zat...Zat is sheer GENIUS!`` ``Oh yeah. ZZ Topp are fucking geniuses... and Jennifer is standing behind you.`` Jennifer smiles and takes Baron`s hand. ``Baron, who`s semen are you talking about?`` ``Oh shit. You don`t vant to know.`` Skandar laughs a while longer and excuses himself to find his friends at the horseshoe pit. ``Hey Baron, wanna walk to the cemetary?`` ``Sure, I would love to- if I can be vith you....`` They hold hands and walk down the winding road that leads to the entrance to the campground. The Baron keeps absentmindedly singing ``Pearl Necklace`` as they walk past the Silverqueen cornfield in the hot summer air. ``Baron, quit singing that song.`` ``I am sorry. It is a funny song and I like Skandar and all but I want you to know zat I don`t think of women that way. Especially you. Your beauty is too much to be captured in a tawdry rock song. You are a flower, a treasure. I vant you in a deeper vay. A vay beyond my boyish years. I vish ve vere older and vere lovers and eating omlettes on ze roof of our apartment in ze city....`` ``Baron, you can kiss me until then....`` And Baron and Jennifer entwine by the tombstones and neither can fathom the bliss they are sharing. THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted July 3, 2003] ``Skandar, what happened?`` ``That fuckin` whore Mrs Eubanks won`t let me in the dance! That FUCKIN WHORE!`` ``Skandar, I can only assume that it is because you are astoundingly drunk.`` ``Oh fuck. FUCK. Fuck that SHIT! FUCK THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT! She can`t prove that shit!`` Skandar`s date, Emily, and Baron`s girl, Jennifer, descreetly giggle at their ridiculously drunk friend Skandar. Emily soothes Baron and Jennifer`s worries. ``I`ll take him over to Parker field and keep him occupied until 10:30 and then I`ll meet y`all at Pizza Hut.`` ``Cool. You sure you can handle him?`` ``C`mon, Jenn, I`ll be lucky if he doesn`t pass out before I get him to the car.`` Baron smacks Skandar on the shoulder. ``Mein fruende, I vill see you at Pizza Hut. It sounds like the whole gang vill be there. I vill eat your American pizza but I piss on your American beer.`` He looks at Jennifer and doesn`t want to look like a dick. ``Maybe I vill drink a little. For the sake of my beloved.`` Baron was wearing a sharp pair of blue khakis and an aqua collared OP shirt. His eyes took in and were completely dazzled by Jennifer`s plaid skirt and kelly green sleeveless blouse. ``Baron, this night isn`t about drinking. This night is about dancing. You better be up for it.`` ``I am up for anything, mein leibschen.`` Baron`s confident words betrayed his inner turmoil. `Dance? I can`t dance. Dance? Dance dance dance... well i did that folk dancing in Bavaria that time when I was 8. No. no that won`t do.`` Terrified and stricken with sudden terror, Baron is mute as he hands his tickets to Mrs Eubanks- who sniffs subtley and quickly straightens the sleeve on her navy blue pants suit. `Think. think.` Baron`s mind finally seizes upon something. Right before he died, his father would get drunk and trying to drive life lessons into his son. `IF YOU EVER GET SCARED, if the world is atacking you from evey angle, reach deeply into yourself. Reach deeply into yourself and summon up your TRUE ESSENCE! Gather up the TRUE STRENGTH OF YOUR REAL IDENTITY AND FIGHT! If you have found your true essence and you lose, it is MEANT TO BE!!! YOU VOULD DESEEEERVE TO DIIIIE! AHHHHHH!` Baron pondered this. `I am... I am... I am graceful, passionate... passionate... I AM PASSIONATE AND I AM IN FLAMES! I burn with a love for life, a love for my woman. I CHANNEL THIS TO MY MOVES. I CHANNEL THIS AND express Express EXPRESS MYSELF ON THE DANCEFLOOR!`` The first beats of ``Electric Kingdom`` pour out of the sound system. Baron is intense and he gazes into the eyes of Jennifer and tries to tell her how much he wants her, how much he loves her, how beyond the mere existence of the civilized world his love for her is. Jennifer is his beloved and understands his intensity and returns his razor sharp look. He is empowered. She is empowered. They begin to undulate to the beat. THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted July 10, 2003] ``Cool Love`` by Pablo Cruise starts pumping through through the sound system and Baron pulls Jennifer close and he feels her ribs in her back through her blouse. They are cheek to cheek- he smells of British Sterling and she of Charlie! ``This has been wonderful...`` ``Yes, mien darling, I am in heaven. You are so beautiful and I am so glad to be so lucky to be here with you.`` ``I`m the lucky one.`` ``We are both lucky. Lucky to have found each other. Lucky to be in this place, this summer.... it is a beautifu dream. You are beyond any dream I could ever have...`` ``Cut it out, Baron. You`re making me blush.`` She pecks him on the cheek. Baron, having been lost in the moment, suddenly notices a change in him. It affects the front of his pants. ``Uh-oh.`` Baron thinks quickly. ``Darling, I need to go to ze bathroom for a second. Vy don`t ze dance over near the door there.`` He kisses her again and pirouettes into the men`s room Skandar was standing by the sink having snuck into the bathroom through the window. He was smoking a J with David, his redneck cousin when Baron rushes in. ``Goddam, Baron, I think that`s the biggest fucking boner I`ve ever seen.`` ``Shut the fuck up Skandar and help me!`` ``Help you?! What the fuck do you want ME to do?`` ``I don`t know! VAT DO I DO!?!? Jennifer is waiting out zere! fucking HELP ME!`` ``Allright allright allright. Uh... put your hand in cold water. Think of.... uh... baseball.`` ``Ve do not have zis baseball.`` ``Do you wanna walk around the dance with a big fucking boner at the dance like big fucking pervert or do you want to listen to me?`` ``Okayokayokay. I`m am thinking about ze concept of baseball.`` ``Yeah, chicks they smell good. They got those titties and butts. I pretty much stay completely torqued all the time. You should try like jacking off in the shower or something.`` ``SKANDAR! Shut up! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! I am trying to think of ze baseball! Rod Carew.... Danny Vhite... Otis Sistrunk.... Jack Sikma. AH JACK SIKMA CURES ME OF MY PROBLEM! YES! BASEBALL!`` Eventually, it gets to a managable situation. ``Thank you, Skandar. I owe you beer at pizza hut.`` ``Hey, motherfucker, that`s what friends are for. If that didn`t work you were on your own though, my brother.`` and they laugh and laugh and laugh. ``And you know Jack Sikma plays basketball.`` ``Either vay. he is not very attractive.`` ``Fuckin A.`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted July 17, 2003] Baron feels the beat. It is an obviously African American beat- having to do with the funk rhythms he has come to appreciate and sometimes truly love. Skandar`s brother played Baron the old Kool and the Gang records and the old Earth, Wind and fire records and the Baron understood the manly might and sexuallity that dripped from the rhythm. It brought to him an understanding of his own manly self and his healthy desires. The beat on the dancefloor was definately from Black Americans but the rest... the rest was... familiar. He grooved to the rhythm and grabbed Jennifer and rocked with her and danced to her wanton gyrations as they shouted along ``Rock and don`t stop it, rock and don`t stop! Keep tickin and tockin` working all around the block! GO HOUSE!`` The lilting synthesizer line pumps through the speakers to dancefloor and and it hit Baron, ``Zat is KRAFTWERK!`` Baron was brought into the dual realm of his homeland and this new place and he felt doubly enriched and powerful. Jennifer felt his power and found it irresistible. She ran her fingers across his muscular chest and squeezed his bicepts. Baron ran his fingers through her hair and made love to her with his wild stare and wild dance moves. Jennifer thought to herself, ``I am your goddess and you are my savage beast. Everything you want, I have. Everything I want you have. Not today. Not tomorrow. One day, we`re both gonna get what we need.`` ``I vill GO HOUSE! SHAKE IT! You go, mein sveet mama. ROCK!THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted July 31, 2003] After the dance, in the woods, by the cemetary. ``Oh Jennifer, oh Jenny. Your lips are so soft and so heavenly. Kissing you is all ever vant to do.`` Jennifer pulls Baron closer and kisses him deeply. Baron tries to kiss her as dramatically and romantically as he can muster- trying to kiss her like he were Sean Connery or Lawrence Olivier. She was Merle Oberon in his personal world and she was as deep as Lake Huron and more than he could ever comprehend- at least in his mind at this point. ``I vant to touch you.... `` ``No... not there....`` ``Please.... I love you....`` ``No, Baron... we can`t...`` Jennifer takes Baron`s hand from her breast. ``I am sorry. I`m a little caught up in zis. It is more than I can control I zink.`` ``Yeah, I`m getting a little caught up to. We shouldn`t...`` ``Yes, let me kiss you again and then ve vill go to Pizza Hut now. Ve must control our URGES. Ve must take love our love slow. I must hold on loosely. But I do love you and I don`t want to ever make you feel.... uncomfortable.`` Baron was confused and filled with self-loathing. `Why would you do that? Why would you fuck this up? No. I will not let mein dick ruin my life.` Jennifer was confused and filled with self-loathing. ``I want to. But I can`t. Yet.` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted August 7, 2003] ``Jennifer I needs to stop kissing you now or I vill keep kissing you until the sun rises. Your lips are the only sustenance I vould ever need.`` ``Yeah, let me get inside before my dad comes out and starts throwing beer cans at you.`` ``Vot? Vy vould he do zat?`` ``I`m just kidding. He`s my dad and he suspects that you are a teenage boy going out with his daughter. Other than that, he`s really a sweetheart.`` ``Vell, tell him I have nothing but honorable intentions in regards to you. You are mein shining star. I vould rather die zan ever hurt you.`` Jennifer slips into the house and goes up to her room. Her parents are asleep and her older brother hasn`t gotten home yet. She slips into bed and her hands explore her body. She thinks of Beau Duke and a lost afternoon in the General Lee- jumping the lake and crushing Roscoe P Coletrains car- all the while Beau and Jenn deeply passionately kissing. Her fantasy world is rudely interrupted as she hears her brother stumble through the front door and through the hallway. He spills into her room. ``GOTT GOTDAMMIT! Motherfuck.....MOTHERFUCK! That fuckin`... fuckin` BITCH! Oh, hey Jennifer. Melissa broke up with again. Fuckin bitch...`` ``Good God, Rob, you`re so wasted.`` ``Yeah, she says she`s sick of it. Fuck her, fucking bitch.... she`ll be calling tomorrow when she wants some dick. SHE CAN`T LIVE WITHOUT THIS BOY`S DICK! SHE... uh...`` ``Allright Rob, lemme get you to bed. You`re being too charming this evening.`` ``Fuck, sorry Jenn. It`s just that....That shit pisses me off. I mean one minute she`s sucking my... well... you... you know what I mean. Bitch didn`t even finish before she broke up with me. I mean.. how the fuck does THAT happen?`` ``Uh Rob, did you start pushing down on her head or something.`` ``That does piss her off. HA! She does hate that. I think that`s why I do it. Fucking bitch...`` ``Jesus, Rob, you can be such an asshole.`` ``Oh yeah. I`ll give you that much, my sis... but fuck. Me n Melissa`s relationship is so comPLETEly fucked up. It`s like all we do is fuck and fight. It`s sick....`` ``I don`t know if there is any love there. And you`re not really in any condition to....`` ``Probably not. Ohhhhh fuck. God, I`m gonna be sick. But... you know she does have a really sweet ass...`` ``I can only imagine....: ``Oh yeah, it fucking rules. It`s got like a SPELL on me. Hahaha! Melissa and her... hypnotic ass. Hahaha. Yeaaaaaaaaaaah buddah! So... Jen... how`s that boy your seeing. Barry? Something....`` ``Baron. He`s wonderful. I`ve never felt like this before. I think I love him.`` ``Yeah, well be careful. Me n Melissa were in love once. Now we break up in the middle of...of her sucking my dick. How fucked up is that? Right in the middle. That`s fucking crazy.... She does have a sweet ass. I mean fuckin SWEET ass. I CONTROLS me. It MoooVES me. Haha... WILD THANG! You make my HEART SANG...`` ``Allright, big man. Let`s get you to the bathroom.`` ``Yeah. that`s a good idea....`` THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON [Originally posted August 29, 2003] "Hey Baron... yeah I know it's late... no everything is fine. Well, actually... no calm down it's no emergency... Look. Can you come over? My brother is pretty fucked up... NO, he hasn't done anything yet. Listen. His insane girlfriend called up here and I think she's coming over.... yeah. come on over if you could. I just don't want to be alone with them when she gets here... yeah, sure... don't worry... yeah...okay, cool." Melissa is drunk and angry and banging on the front door. Jennifer runs to the front door to meet her. "Goddamit, Melissa, you want the neighbors to call the police?!" "Look Jennifer, just get your fucking brother so I can smack his filthy rotten face. WHERE IS HE?" "Melissa, just calm down and watch how you talk to me, you drunk bitch." "Look, you little stuck up slut. Just because I... fuck your brother... doesn't mean you ain't still a little skank. Get the fuck out of my way...." "Slut? You call me a slut? Oh FUCK THAT!" Jennifer throws Melissa on the ground and starts a furious barrage of fists that smash into Melissa's blue eye-shadowed eyes and chalky blush-coated cheeks. Melissa rolls over on top of Jennifer and starts smacking her in the face. Melissa snarls like a hellcat and screams a hellish banshee sceam. Baron rushes through the door. "VAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU WILL STOP NOW!" Baron drags Melissa off Jennifer and Jennifer kicks Melissa in the leg as Baron drags her off. "You fucking BITCH! I'll fucking kill you!" Jennifer screeches this as she continues trying land more kicks. "Fuck you.... you....you...you.........WHORE!" "Whore? Whore? you call me a whore? WHORE?!?! WHORE!??! Fuck this shit, YOU DIE!" Jennifer jumps on Melissa and buries her fist in Melissa's face. Baron grabs Jennifer and tacklers her to the couch. Rob rushes in and grabs Melissa. "What the fuck are you doing? Get in the fucking car." Rob grabs her by the elbow and shoves her out of the house and down the driveway to her car. He slams the car door. "You stay the fuck right there until I get back!" Rob comes back in to talk to Jennifer and Baron. "Y'all allright? That bitch is fucking crazy... oooh..... uh... Jesus. What the fuck happened?" "Zay vere fighting. Punching, kicking, smacking... pulling hair. I sink zey vere about to start ripping zere clothes off..." "Really? That's fucking AWESOME!" "Yes, actually. I vas awesome. In a repellent yet alluring way." Rob and Baron laugh and Jennifer starts to smile as she tries to stop her nose from bleeding. "You guys are fucking pigs." "Mein Jennifer, you... you TRULY are a hellcat. I haf never been more attracted to anyone..." "Oh PLEASE.... anyway.... y'know.... Thanks for coming over and all. Sorry about my redneck family." Jennifer feels her rage leaving too soon so she wheels around to her brother. "Rob, go tend to your SLUT BITCH of a girlfriend. Tell her if she steps foot in this house again I'm kicking both your fucking asses. And YOU better REALIZE that too!" "Sorry Jenn. You know what a bitch she can be... uhhh...ohh...yeah... yeah lemme go.... Yeah, let big daddy go make it right...." Rob leaves the house and gets in Melissa's gold Dodge Duster. "My brother is gonna end up fucking her toinight. You know he will. God, she is such a fucking slut hag bitch and he is such a fucking puss-whipped idiot." "Vould it be stupid for me to kiss you now?" Baron has a whole brand new level of love for young Jennifer- a wild love he wasn't expecting and a love that is new to him- and it delights him.
A Special Thanks to DEAN for giving us hilarity and intrique on the off-chance that SmackDown sucks week in and week out.
(edited by Freeway420 on 17.9.03 1438) My Calgary Flames are currently tied for first place overall with a record of 0-0-0-0. It's training camp, but it's a start, right?
The show kind of sucked, but I was glad I stayed up for the Big Show vs Braun Strowman match that was which was quite entertaining. It's easily the best Big Show match in, well, a very long time. Afterwards Roman attacks and Brain wipes him out too.