Aaron Kelly pretty much straight up flayed himself to the moon last week, killing any hope he had of touring America’s theme parks with David Archuletta next summer. But we press on, unhindered as the show rapidly hurtles towards the inevitable Lee/Crystal Showdown.
It’s “Movie Themes” week. Somebody sing “Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)” and I’ll never say a bad word about this show ever again. Kara’s all dressed up, for some reason. Maybe she’s in the running to become a Supreme Court Justice?
Our mentor this week is Jamie Foxx, who is apparently a star of both music and film, though you could probably debate either one of those pretty successfully. All I remember is him babbling nonsense at the contestants last year, and Simon rolling his eyes whenever he said anything, so we’re starting off great!
(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Every time Simon has no fucking clue what‘s going on.)
Lee DeWyze The Song: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal Jamie Foxx Says: If you can perform when I’m up in your grill, you might be Danny Goeke. The Performance: The Chris Sligh song! Jamie Foxx is rocking the Jim Neidhart pink shirt/bald head/too long goatee look in the videos which is kind of distracting. He tries to make out with Lee, and Lee doesn’t know how to react, because he doesn’t know how to react to anything. He’s terrible in the audition, so I’m really looking forward to the performance.
I thought Seal was hard to understand. Dig the high notes! “loOOOovvvEE”! I sort of love this song, but Lee is doing his best to kill it dead. I respect that his outfit this week looks like it was taken straight out of his closet circa 1996. He’s begging for common man votes with the grunge flannel and ill fitting jeans! Well, you’ve got to try something, I guess. The judges just slaughter him for sounding like crap, which is nice. The Judges Say: You sounded like *A* seal, instead of Seal. I Say: Hated everything but his wacky enunciation on “loOOOovvvEE. Score: +2 Change: -2
Mike Lynche The Song: “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson Jamie Foxx Says: Let’s dance this out, and then you punch me. The Performance: Friggin’ Free Willy?! Are you serious?! I know it’s a Michael song but…this night just couldn’t get any better. Somebody sing the American Tail theme! Michael hasn’t even bothered to learn the song for his mentor session, so that’s even better. I haven’t mentioned the T-Shirts yet, but Jamie Foxx is giving the people T-Shirts, based on how well they’ve practiced. Lee, for example, got an “Artist” shirt for fucking up “Kiss from a Rose” in an artistic way. Poor Big Mike is stuck with a “Contestant” shirt, because he’s stuck in Contestant’s Row. But Mike turns him down. Jamie is piiiiiiiissed.
The stage is all decked out in blue wave patterns, but Mike fails to flop over a child, so the Free Willy theme kind of falls flat. At least he’s back in the bomber jacket now. I can’t believe I missed it, but I did. The back-up singers (plus two, don’t know where they came from) come out of the stairs choir style which is nice. He remembers all the words, but that was a pretty uninspired. His voice was fine, but I almost fell asleep. The Judges Say: I have no idea what Free Willy Is. I Say: Missing a lot from the Big Mike as a Whale metaphor. Score: +3 Change: -1
Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze The Song: “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova The Performance: If I remember right, I liked Kris Allen’s version of this song from last year. I’m too lazy to go back and look though. Isn’t it a little unfair for them to pair up the two clear frontrunners like this though? Why not Big Mike and Crystal? That would be a pair I’d want to see duet.
Kind of funny to watch Crystal emote way too much for what the song is worth, and Lee do absolutely nothing with it as they stare longingly past each other. I can’t hate this, per se, but it’s exactly as dumb and boring as you’d think the two of these people together would be. At least their voices harmonize pretty well. When Kara calls it one of her “favorite moments of the season!” I just had to laugh. I also had to laugh at the lady sitting behind Simon freaking the hell out that he loves it. The Judges Say: One of the best moments of the season. I Say: Pretty good for what it was, but not very interesting.
Casey James The Song: “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkle Jamie Foxx Says: Seduce me. It won’t be hard. The Performance: Man, this is the best night. The unintentional comedy scale has been broken. If the last contestant weren’t boring old Crystal, I’d be praying for somebody to bust out “Lose Yourself” right now. Kris Allen and Blake Lewis could’ve pulled it off. None of these people though. Casey gets an “Artist” shirt for successfully wooing Jamie Foxx, I think.
Sitting amongst the crowd, with tweenage girls at his feet while he strums quietly on a ukulele, Casey James has saved the night for me. This is everything that Weezy and the Whale’s performances couldn’t hope to accomplish in terms of being amazing. Though if I ever have a band, it’s totally going to be called “Weezy and the Whale.” The judges don’t even know what the fuck. Too awesome for them to comprehend, so Randy immediately turns this back into Kara trying to seduce him earlier this season. Bwahaha! The Judges Say: Hahahahaha…Kara is old and she thinks you‘re cute! I Say: So really, really cheesy and awful and horrible that I can’t help but love it. Score: +1 Change: -1
Crystal Bowersox The Song: “I‘m All Right” by Kenny Loggins Jamie Fox Says: Let me know that you‘re all right.. The Performance: Caddyshack! Hell yes! I didn’t even think to go there. It’s no Theme from Ghostbusters, but what is really? She starts things off with Jamie by making googly eyes and swearing a lot, which is kind of endearing, I guess. Does he have a tattoo on the back of his head? Huh. Crystal is, of course, an “Artist” shirt lady.
So, of course, she turns a mellow song into a hollow, mellowed out version of itself. But whatever. It kind of works. That’s the thing that frustrates me about her. I keep expecting her to do something crazy awesome because she really is a good singer, but then she just does something really uninteresting and I get distracted by doing my taxes or whatever. The Judges Say: You know you’re going to win, right? Do something crazy. I Say: As these things go, I’m fine with Crystal being the one who wins. Score: +7 Change: +1
Casey James and Michael Lynche The Song: “Have You Ever Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams The Performance: These two poor guys are clearly aware that one of them is going home, so they’re just going to do their best to try to set up a career as a traveling Bryan Adams cover band after the show’s run is over. Casey doing his best guitar plinkering in a while, Michael’s head bobbling smooth singing.
These two really could take this act on the road, because their voices are mixing really well, and vocally, Mike is making up for Casey’s weaknesses, and Casey’s killing on the guitar. If this was a duet show, they’d win. But…uh…it’s not. I’d still rather take one of their crazy asses over Lee DeWyze though. There. I said it. Ellen can’t wait until the song is over to make a gay joke. The Judges Say: You probably should’ve done that well earlier. I Say: I sort of loved this in an entirely non-ironic sense. Really!
Bottom Two: Casey James and Michael Lynche
It’s down to these two lost lambs being led to the slaughter. Casey James with his ukulele and Simon and Garfunkle meets Bryan Adams routine, and Big Mike and his whale act. The only question left is which one of these two unfortunate people is going to be sent packing before they can win an all expense paid trip to…their own house.
Under normal circumstances, I’d say Casey. He’s bringing nothing unique or interesting to the competition any more, and Michael’s a much better singer than he is. Yes, I still contend that he’s the best guitar player Idol’s ever had, but that doesn’t say nearly enough for the rest of his skills, which are either mediocre or non-existant.
But then, Big Mike went ahead and gave it away. Mike’s performances weren’t as awful as they could have been, and honestly he performed better than Lee. But you could see that his head just wasn’t in it anymore. He practically begged to say in “just one more week,” not so that he could have a chance to win, but so that he could say that he made it to the top three before he got booted. Desperation doesn’t play well in these shows.
Prediction: Michael Lynche
(edited by Excalibur05 on 12.5.10 2312) For NFL Power Rankings, My Blog and More, check out Hock Show Dot Com (hockshow.com)
I think Jamie giving Big Mike the "Contestant" shirt speaks for America, and he's going home tonight. The duets were WAY better than the solo performances, but the song list was utter crap so my expectations were super low.
And Kris Allen > Lee + Crystal.
Holy fuck shit motherfucker shit. Read comics. Fuck shit shit fuck shit I sold out when I did my job. Fuck fuck fuck shit fuck. Sorry had to do it....
Revenge of the Sith = one thumb up from me. Fuck shit. I want to tittie fuck your ass. -- The Guinness. to Cerebus
Originally posted by spf in the week of 7And unlike Melinda, she actually has some stage presence, so I don't think we're going to see the shocking elimination leading to some sort of horrid Lee/Casey finale or something like that.
Dear America, please don't make me look the fool this close to the finish.
(edited by spf on 13.5.10 1024) 2007 and 2008 W-League Fantasy Football champion!
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