I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there. There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
I know youíre making a weird face as youíre reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
Weíre humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if youíre swimming in the water and a shark bites you, thatís called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
A shark attack is if youíre chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now thatís a shark attack. Now, if youíre chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where itís like, ďThere have been 10 shark attacks,Ē Iím like, ďHey, for real?! Theyíre just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we donít live underwater.Ē
Originally posted by The Washington Post"If someone comes to town, everyone knows you. Everyone owns land. There's no poor people. They said if you see a poor person in Tahiti, in that country, they're rich somewhere. So they own a few hundred acres somewhere, they own an island, but they'd rather work somewhere else. You'll see someone on the side of the street, poor? They're not poor. They own the city, they own stuff."
I just didn't have the time to ask follow-ups, although Lord knows the situation demanded it. A kind EA Sports person was over my shoulder, making sure that I cleared out in time for the reporter from VideoGamesAreAwesome.com, or whatever. So, moving on, I asked Gilbert if he planned to go back to Tahiti.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
"Who?" I said.
"Marvin Brando," Gilbert said. "Marvin Brando? Wasn't he the actor?"
You can make fun if you want, but I'm not, because at least 173 cultural references by members of the Wizards went over my head this year, and first names aside the Brando piece of information is true, and the real question is, hold on, is Gilbert seriously going to buy a Tahitian island, and how much would that cost?
"I would say I'm thinking about it," was the answer to the first part, and "a million dollars" was the answer to the second. "I'm just thinking about it," he continued. "Like, a million dollars, to own a whole island and do whatever you want on it?"
"Like what?" I wondered.
"Vacate," he said, justifying my multi-hundreds-of-dollars hotel room with just one word. "Whenever you go on vacation, you'd go there and just chill. Hit the beach!!!"
(edited by JoshMann on 2.8.07 1250) 2006 Time Man Of The Year
Hear Me Out Yeah, youíve all been talking about it. I used someone elseís joke. Whatís the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed.
Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. Heís no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.
The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that Iíve used itís probably worth a little bit more. Iíll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.
Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other peopleís beats. This is America, the land of the reused.
If you think about it, nothing is original. Every joke has been retold at some point. What I did was recycle a new joke instead of waiting for it to get old. It was too funny not too. I mean, at least I picked a good joke, right? Itís not like it was some lame, ďYo mommaĒ joke.
Letís not forget, ďHibachiĒ was stolen too. Brendan Haywood used to say it before me. But I recognize good stuff and make it popular. Now ďHibachiĒ is patented by Agent Zero, son.
Iím not a thief, I just reused it.
Know who is a thief? The guy that is trying to sell the domain name of GilbertArenas.com to me. Itís my name! I have to buy it back from him. Now thatís stealing, borrowing, whatever you want to call it.
I mean they were even talking about it on PTI. Patrick McEnroe was saying I should quit making jokes about sharks and worry about rehabbing. Patrick, youíre right, I should be focusing on my knee. I guess taking 15 minutes to tell a joke doesnít leave 23 hours and 45 minutes the rest of the day to be working on my knee. Rome was killing me too, but Romeís my boy so I canít say anything bad about him.
Patty Mac, shouldnít you be ďfocusingĒ on talking about real sports that are going on? I didnít realize that telling jokes can get me on PTI. I should do it more often.
Did you hear the one about the monkey and the dog Ö
I would finish the joke, but I already spent too much time on this post and need to get back to the gym according to McEnroe.
Before I do though, Iím going to go play with my new pet. Itís called a ďliger.Ē Itís a cross between a tiger and a lion. I made it up. Man, Iím so original.
(Yes, I stole that from Napoleon Dynamite. Rent it. Itís funny.)
Oh yeah, Bow Wow gave me a shout out on my jeans, Fly Jeans, in his new song with B-5 so I just wanted to give him a shout out too.
Thread ahead: Brand ruptures Achilles tendon; likely to miss 2 months Next thread: Pistons coach Saunders: 20 yards away from Minnesota bridge when it collapsed Previous thread: FBI investigating whether NBA ref bet on games
The most hilarious slam-dunk competitor of all-time-- Tony Dumas of the Dallas Mavericks. He missed all three dunk attempts one year and winded up with the lowest possible score. I was embarrassed for him. And embarrassed to be watching that crap.