I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there. There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We’re humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”
Originally posted by The Washington Post"If someone comes to town, everyone knows you. Everyone owns land. There's no poor people. They said if you see a poor person in Tahiti, in that country, they're rich somewhere. So they own a few hundred acres somewhere, they own an island, but they'd rather work somewhere else. You'll see someone on the side of the street, poor? They're not poor. They own the city, they own stuff."
I just didn't have the time to ask follow-ups, although Lord knows the situation demanded it. A kind EA Sports person was over my shoulder, making sure that I cleared out in time for the reporter from VideoGamesAreAwesome.com, or whatever. So, moving on, I asked Gilbert if he planned to go back to Tahiti.
"Yes," he said. "I want to buy an island. Because Diana Ross has an island. Marvin Brando had an island."
"Who?" I said.
"Marvin Brando," Gilbert said. "Marvin Brando? Wasn't he the actor?"
You can make fun if you want, but I'm not, because at least 173 cultural references by members of the Wizards went over my head this year, and first names aside the Brando piece of information is true, and the real question is, hold on, is Gilbert seriously going to buy a Tahitian island, and how much would that cost?
"I would say I'm thinking about it," was the answer to the first part, and "a million dollars" was the answer to the second. "I'm just thinking about it," he continued. "Like, a million dollars, to own a whole island and do whatever you want on it?"
"Like what?" I wondered.
"Vacate," he said, justifying my multi-hundreds-of-dollars hotel room with just one word. "Whenever you go on vacation, you'd go there and just chill. Hit the beach!!!"
(edited by JoshMann on 2.8.07 1250) 2006 Time Man Of The Year
Hear Me Out Yeah, you’ve all been talking about it. I used someone else’s joke. What’s the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed.
Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He’s no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.
The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I’ve used it’s probably worth a little bit more. I’ll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.
Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other people’s beats. This is America, the land of the reused.
If you think about it, nothing is original. Every joke has been retold at some point. What I did was recycle a new joke instead of waiting for it to get old. It was too funny not too. I mean, at least I picked a good joke, right? It’s not like it was some lame, “Yo momma” joke.
Let’s not forget, “Hibachi” was stolen too. Brendan Haywood used to say it before me. But I recognize good stuff and make it popular. Now “Hibachi” is patented by Agent Zero, son.
I’m not a thief, I just reused it.
Know who is a thief? The guy that is trying to sell the domain name of GilbertArenas.com to me. It’s my name! I have to buy it back from him. Now that’s stealing, borrowing, whatever you want to call it.
I mean they were even talking about it on PTI. Patrick McEnroe was saying I should quit making jokes about sharks and worry about rehabbing. Patrick, you’re right, I should be focusing on my knee. I guess taking 15 minutes to tell a joke doesn’t leave 23 hours and 45 minutes the rest of the day to be working on my knee. Rome was killing me too, but Rome’s my boy so I can’t say anything bad about him.
Patty Mac, shouldn’t you be “focusing” on talking about real sports that are going on? I didn’t realize that telling jokes can get me on PTI. I should do it more often.
Did you hear the one about the monkey and the dog …
I would finish the joke, but I already spent too much time on this post and need to get back to the gym according to McEnroe.
Before I do though, I’m going to go play with my new pet. It’s called a “liger.” It’s a cross between a tiger and a lion. I made it up. Man, I’m so original.
(Yes, I stole that from Napoleon Dynamite. Rent it. It’s funny.)
Oh yeah, Bow Wow gave me a shout out on my jeans, Fly Jeans, in his new song with B-5 so I just wanted to give him a shout out too.
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Yeah, the Celtics have been doing quite well recently. They've still got a little while to go before shaking off the label of being a “scrub” team (a 15-67 record a few years ago will do that to a franchise).