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The W - Guest Columns - A Very Presidential Looking RAW Satire (2/21/05)
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Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 2 days
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” scouted out how boring Smackdown was by falling asleep during his segment at No Way Out. Shawn Michaels called out Kurt Angle who isn’t even on this show, and Shawn isn’t even Dave. And Christie Hemme announced her pictorial in Playboy Magazine, but will she get naked…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Molly Holly v. Victoria v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

The women have matches now? How sweet. Molly Holly tries desperately to not get fired by letting Trish and Victoria kick the crap out of her so as not to call any direct attention to herself (allowing for one to say, “Hey! There’s Molly Holly, let’s fire her.”) but also allowing the WWE to feel that her nebulous presence is necessary (as in, ‘Hey! Who the hell was that Trish was beating up last week? We need at least one of those.”). Victoria, meanwhile, is getting by, randomly shaking her ass so as to be mistaken for a Diva Search girl. Trish Stratus has a huge black eye, no doubt the result of self loathing over her part in the NHL lockout. Trish wins. Because really. Come on.

Triple H and Triple Naitch are in the parking lot.

Ric Flair: I’ve been waiting all week to ask you.
Triple H: Don’t be shy. I’ve got nothing to hide.
RF: What’s up with that mustache, Hunter? What are you hiding?
HHH: What? You don’t like it? It’s part of my edgy new biker gimmick. Soon I’m going to get music by Limp Bizkit.
RF: That’s why you’re the best! WOO!
HHH: So where’s Dave?
RF: The hell if I know, probably out taking your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain Fat Boy! WOO!
HHH: A wrestler, late for the start of the show? Unfathomable!

(ads)

Christie Hemme and Josh Matthews are chatting backstage.

Josh Matthews: …and that’s how babies are made.
Christie Hemme: Oooooh! That explains quite a bit.
JM: Oh. The camera. Josh Matthews here with Christie Hemme, and Christie, you will soon be naked in the pages of Playboy Magazine. Does it weird you out that in ten years, children who are not even born yet will find pictures of your titties in some boxes in their garage, left there to gather dust long ago by their fathers, and sticky up the pages?
CH: Uh…now that you mention it….
Trish Stratus: Are you guys almost done? You’re killing my wrestling buzz, we just got like five minutes out there.
CH: No, no, no. We’re not NEARLY done. We have yet to to talk fully about me being naked.
TS: Well hurry up. I’m going to be over here practicing really awful punches.
CH: Ugh. I can’t believe she interrupted my segment.
TS: I can still here you.
CH: Well, then you’re a ho.
TS: Oh no you didna! Oh no you didna!

They slap each other and roll around on the ground.

JM: This has been Josh Matthews reporting. J.R.?

Randy Orton is with Intergalactic Space Hussy and Nasty Ho, Stacy Keibler

Randy Orton: Hello? No. No. You’ve got the wrong number. Yeah.
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Randy Toerag, Stacy Keibler: Who was that?
RO: Oh, no one, baby. It was no one.
IGSHRTSK: You sure have been getting a lot of phone calls today.
RO: Yeah. Everybody loves Randy Orton.
IGSHRTSK: Yeah. Hey look, Shawn Michaels!
RO: Yeah…where’d she go?
Shawn Michaels: Hell if I know.
RO: Hold on a sec. Hello? This is he. No I don’t know Pauly Shore’s number. Sorry.
HBK: What was that about?
RO: Goddammit. Ok, it was ONE NIGHT! Ugh. I met this girl, right? Paris Hilton right? And it was all like, bowchickabowow…and I give her my cell number, because it’s like…booty call right? Now everybody’s got my friggin number. It wouldn’t be soooo bad except X-Pac keeps calling me asking for a job.
HBK: Oh yeah? That must suck. I guess you should pick your lady friends better.
RO: Yeah. Tell me about it.
HBK: I don’t as…Hold up. Hello? Uh…No. This is Stevie Richards. Yeah. Sorry.
RO: Wait a minute.
HBK: Work it out. Work it ooooout.
RO: You….
HBK: Uh-huh.
RO: She….
HBK: You’re almost there.
RO: Ew…I got some old guy’s sloppy seconds.
HBK: Dude, we’re on quite a bit more than seconds at this point.
Christian: Yeah, kid. There’s a whole club of us. It was a lot cooler when it wasn’t, like, 90% of the roster. Here’s your button.
RO: I had sex with Paris Hilton and all I go was this stupid button. That’s an awfully small font.
HBK: Where’d you learn language like that?
RO: I’ve been hanging out on the “internet” trying to get Avril’s phone number to work.
Gary Shandling: What’s up dudes? Talking about having sex with Paris Hilton? Climbed that speed bump.
RO: Ewww….
CT: Ewww….
HBK: Oh, man, I LOVED you! This is the theme to Gary’s show…the theme to Gary’s show.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Nova

Nova endears himself to the world by calling out an old football coach who nobody cares about. Yay! This is one of those exciting matches. You know, the ones where you’re like “One of these two WILL NOT JOB!” It’s thrilling, it is. Jericho and Nova have a nice competitive match until Nova claims he invented stupid ponytails, which pretty much sets Jericho off. He locks Nova in the Walls, and Nova makes a valiant attempt to get to his cellphone and call TNA before he has to tap out. Jericho wins!

Theodore Long is in the Bischoffice.

Theodore Long: Dollah Dollah Bill Y’all.
Eric Bischoff: Do you ever get tired, Teddy, of playing up a racial stereotype for laughs?
TL: Now don’t haterize just because Batista is joining the Smackdown side of things, playa.
EB: I mean, seriously.
TL: Do you ever get tired of being a stupid greasy white boy who hangs out in strip clubs and ogles girls half his age?
EB: Uh. Heheheh…Are you sure you don’t mean Jerry Lawler?
TL: Hell, I don’t know. Could be. Did you watch No Way Out.
EB: No. Seriously, Luther Reigns v. The Undertaker? You expect me to PAY for that crap?
TL: You’re an employee, I’m pretty sure you could get it for free.
EB: Yeah. But still.
Shawn Michaels: Hi. I’m here to talk about Kurt Angle.
TL: Yeah, Playa? What about him?
HBK: Can I have a match with him at WrestleMania?
EB: I don’t know, Shawn, how are we going to cross promote it? Interviews and promos are going to get boring.
TL: Can you make the lights turn out and make it rain in the building?
HBK: Yeah. Sure. I’ve got God on my side.
TL: Then the match is made. Dolla Dolla Bills Y’all!

(ads)

Kane v. Tyson Tomko

Tomko cut the following promo before the match started:

Tyson Tomko: …

OH! That’s harsh. But Tomko’s about to get a little more Kane! Man, if it weren’t for the terrifically awesome Jim Neidhart goatee, Tyson Tomko would be on Heat right now, going over Maven. Kane isn’t standing for any of this Tyson Tomko crap though, he’s got to get backstage to continue emptying his voice mail from all the people who suddenly got his cell number somehow. Kane wins with the choke slam.

Ric Flair greats a limo backstage, but it’s only Chris Masters, who is debuting tonight. He’s like 3 feet tall. Wrestling’s greatest midget!

(ads)

Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari are out.

Muhammad Hassan: It’s President’s Day. We should have the day off.
Khosrow Daivari: But we don’t.
MH: What the hell is President’s Day anyway? What have they ever done for me?
KD: Presidents do lots of things for us and this country.
MH: We’re supposed to be heels.
KD: Only ruined fiscal policy, they did.
MH: Now do one for the red states.
KD: Where’s Clinton Day?
MH: Awesome.
Chris Benoit: I’m Canadian!

Chris Benoit v. Muhammad Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari)

Daivari’s got a killer mustard yellow suit coat. Or is it lime green. One of them. Awesome though. Benoit no sells the awesome suit coat, and starts throwing punches, but Hassan takes advantage of the fact that he’s wearing a giant sheet and pretends he’s a ghost, which scares Benoit into jobbing. Hassan wins the match! He can beat anyone so long as they are Canadian. And named Chris. Chris Tian…Look out!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton v. Edge and Chris Tian

Ah, the famous reunion of Edge and Christian. Truly they were a tag team. You remember tag teams? Yeah, me neither. Shawn is more than happy to prance about while Edge whines, but once Edge is finished, it’s time for Shawn to sell. The crowd begins to get restless, and really, you would too if you were expected to cheer for a hot tag to Randy Orton, but then again, the crowd does love to see people fall over, so, I guess it’s all good. What a conundrum. We’ll solve it after these….

(ads)

Shawn is back up, so if you were wondering if he could still stand…yes. Yes, he can. Now that I’m thinking about it, why does Shawn pretend to punch himself in the little videos that play when they announce that he’s in a match? Is that his idea of playfully goofy or something? Huh. Orton tags in and the women go nuts. They like hearing about Destiny. It’s only a few steps removed from “commitment”. Edge and Christian load up the Conchairto, but dmaned if they didn’t forget about the legs, it doesn’t hit and Shawn nails the Superkick and Edge falls over. Orton and Michaels win!

Jonathan Coachman runs into the Bischoffice.

Jonathan Coachman: Boss! Batista is about to show up!
Eric Bischoff: It’s about goddamn time. He’s an hour and a half late for work.
Theodore Long: I would fire him from RAW, Buhleedat!
EB: Yeah. He can’t get away with this any more. Heeey…I see what you’re doing there.
TL: Pretty clever of me, huh?
EB: Not really.
TL: Dollah Dollah Bills, Y’all.

(ads)

Maria Tennyson Lund is backstage with Shawn Michaels.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, you’ve challenged Kurt Angle to a match.
Shawn Michaels: I know. Listen, do you know how to make the arena lights turn off or how to make it rain? I’m really up a creek on this one. It doesn’t even have to happen right away. It can be on a tape delay. You know any special effects people or anything? See I kind of lied about having the powers of God.
MTL: Maria Tennyson Lund here with Shawn Michaels, and Shaw….

Edge runs by and Spears Shawn.

Edge: Quit holding me down dammit. Oh…sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your interview. I really didn’t. Man, now I feel awful.
MTL: Maria Tennyson Lund here with Edge, and Edge you just speared Shawn Michaels, how do you feel?
EG: Ok…I guess?

Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters v. Stevie Richards
Squash Battle

Masters enters the arena eating a pepper. That’s gonna piss off the chairman! Stevie diligently prepares a Squash Casserole, Squashkabobs, Squash and chicken soup and Squash Pilaf while Masters no sells with Squash Roast, Spiced Squash Ala Mode, Squash Sushi and Squash with Masters Wasabi Sauce. The fortune teller, the coked out actress and the school board member cast their votes for Masters, while the bored actor looking for work gives his vote to Stevie, but that will not be enough as the Iron Chef has won this battle.

(ads)

Abe Orton v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Breakfast

Mmm…day old donuts and lukewarm coffee. Abe REALLY wants those donuts. You remember what lengths he went to last week when he almost tried to win that match? Just imagine what he’ll do this week WITHOUT rubber bands! Abe grabs a chair and swings it wildly trying to intimidate Shelton, but it’s not working because there ain’t no stopping him…NAH! Shelton grabs the chair and nails Abe with it, getting himself Dqed, but making him closer to having a personality than he’s ever been. It’s too bad everybody used this match for a bathroom break and didn’t see it. Wah Waaaaaah….

(ads)

In Evolution’s Locker Room….

Triple H: Hot damn. Tonight is the night I finally shake myself of that damn Batista. You have NO idea how tired I am of reading to him every goddamn night.
Ric Flair: He’s not that bad, is he? I liked having him around.
HHH: Oh he IS that bad! Just yesterday I had to get gum out of his hair because he thought it’d look cool up there. I mean, what the hell was he thinking…Ric…is that gum in your hair?
RF: It’s the new style. WOO!
HHH: So that’s why I hired that limo to try to run over Dave. Why I played those Smackdown videos on the TitanTron. Why I’m behind Dave’s move to Smackdown. I need some alone time, Ric.
RF: WOO! That’s why you’re the greatest!

The camera pans out to show that Dave is standing right next to Flair.

HHH: Ok, that was great, but I think we could do better.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson“: Much BETTER!
RF: Oh! Scooby Doo Ending!
HHH: And that’s why I stole the brass monkey from the museum. So they’d have to foreclose and then I could take it over and turn it into a crack house.
Velma: Look at my sweater and glasses! I’m every nerds dream!
DBD: Scooby Dooby DOO!

They take off HHH’s mask.

The Gang: Old Man Flair!
RF: And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! WOO!
HHH: I don’t know about that one.
RF: Where’d you come from?! AH!
DBD: Let’s do the ending that doesn’t make any SENSE!
HHH: So you think that I’m behind all of this, Flair?
RF: That’s Right! WOO! You’ve turned on Dave!
HHH: I can’t believe it. Why would I do it?
Rikishi: It was me!
RF: You?
Rikishi: That’s right. I did it for the Rock. I did it for our people.
RF: Huh?
Rikishi: Man, I don’t know either. But I’m happy to get a paycheck again.
DBD: BOO!
Rikishi: Man, he’s right. Oh, I know. Why don’t you do the WCW Ending?
Tony Schiavoni: And…Dave…He’s almost getting run over by that limo…someone is getting out! OH NO! WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME FOLKS!!
RF: That sucked! Vince Russo WCW ending!
HHH: And that’s why I did what I did.
DBD: I’ve come to announce that I’m turning my spot at Wrestlemania over to Tank ABBOTT!

The room fills with midgets and strippers fighting over Barbecue sauce.

Vince Russo: I’ve come to announce that the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion is ME! Vince Russo! Suck on that one, Huntah! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HHH: Wow. That was a train wreck.
RF: That’s the best one yet, I think.

(ads)

Theodore Long and Eric Bischoff stand in the ring holding contracts. I certainly hope that none of them get Stunnered. Or that Scott Steiner doesn’t come out and try to rape them. Bischoff says that if Dave signs with him, it means Dave v. Hunter at Mania, while on Smackdown it means Dave v. Cena v. JBL. Evolution makes their way to the ring.

Eric Bischoff: Dave, you and I have been through a lot together. And you know as well as I do, that RAW is a way better show. I mean, come on, dude. You want to go over to Smackdown where you get buried behind 10 billion segments about JBL getting his nails done? Or do you want to stay HERE on RAW where you can be IN 10 billion segments of HHH getting his nails done. Really the choice is yours, but we already all know what you’re going to do.
Theodore Long: Hollah at your dog, Playa. It’s me, Theodore Long. Now, yeah, you can stay here on RAW and “be over,” but is that really what you want, dawg? I know it’s not. Think about it. On Smackdown you can help bury the Cruiserweights! You can go over Eddie Guerrero and Booker T in pointless tag team matches! You can help put over Luther Reigns and be the subject of some lame John Cena rap! Think about it, playa, think about the Dollah Dollah bills, y’all. Plus, you’d get to live out every single wrestler’s dream. You get to job to The Undertaker. Imagine THAT!
Triple H: Dave, you’ve got a big choice tonight. I think you should go to Smackdown. Think about it, what if Arn Anderson would have been he WWE Champion when Ric Flair was the NWA Champ.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: He would have jobbed to Hulk HOGAN?
HHH: Yeah. Right. But the Horsemen, man they would have been unstoppable.
DBD: I think you are unfamiliar with the concept that NWA and the (at the time) WWF were separate ENTITIES!
HHH: Hehehe…And think, what if I was the WCW champion when Shawn Michaels was WWE Champ?
DBD: Then you would have jobbed to Hulk HOGAN?
HHH: Well, that or Goldberg. And I would have been Terra Ryzing. Damn. That would have sucked. But think of what it would have meant for DX.
DBD: It would have just been Shawn and CHYNA. You probably would have been in the NWO!
HHH: All right, but NOW, WE have the chance to control the industry. Hell, we’re cutting Flair next week so that he can go beat Jeff Jarrett.
Ric Flair: What?
DBD: I have made my DECISION! Mr. Bischoff, you provide an interesting argument and you bring me the offer of juice boxes and frosted animal CRACKERS! But the jivey talking man also makes a good POINT!

Dave looks over both contracts and gives Hunter a thumbs up. Hunter grins dumbly for a second before Dave shoves his thumb up Hunter’s nostril and tosses him out of the ring. Then he cracks both Bischoff and Long over their heads with their respective contract offers and grabs a third contract hidden under the ring, and signs it. Ivory jumps for joy as it is announced that Dave has jumped to The WWE Experience where he will face WWE Experience World Champion Todd Grisham at Wrestlemania!!

Next Week: Repercussions are felt as Triple H is forced to do spin control on both his mustache and on Dave. Dave sheepishly returns to RAW when he learns that the WWE Experience’s catering is, like, totally crappy. You can’t even get a corndog in that place. And hey! Edge v. Shawn Michaels. That’s worth tuning in for anyway? Right? RIGHT?



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
Mr. Boffo
Scrapple








Since: 24.3.02
From: Oshkosh, WI

Since last post: 362 days
Last activity: 323 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.09
Nice. I really liked the alternate endings.
Say, when is the next part of the LoTR satire/parody coming out?




NOTE: The above post makes no sense. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Excalibur05
Knackwurst








Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 17 hours
AIM:  
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
    Originally posted by Mr. Boffo
    Nice. I really liked the alternate endings.
    Say, when is the next part of the LoTR satire/parody coming out?



Friday.



Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Big Bad
Scrapple








Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 11 hours
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.99
If Grisham faces anyone at WM, it should be Undertaker. The man haunted by illogic versus the wrestler with the most illogical storylines in wresting history. The winner? THE FANS



I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits." --- President Jed Bartlett, The West Wing
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22 year old Erich Kulas passed away in his Craston, Rhode Island home last Tuesday. New wrestling fans may look at that, and shrug. At 22 years old he couldn't possibly have had anything to do with professional wrestling.
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