OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! Now you might be surprised to see me back here with more Hot Newz. You might be thinking that since the last Hot Newz update received NO replies at all when it was posted, even though it took hours to write and also received a record LIZZOW number of thread views that I might have accepted there is little interest in Hot Newz here on the W or anywhere else for that matter. WELL YOU'D BE WRONG, JACKCLOWN!!!! The Hot Newz Kid lays down for absolutely NOBODY (unless you're Mickie, Lita, Velvet Sky, Karen Angle or even Sunny after how hot she looked on the fifteenth anniversary RAW!) Besides, I don't write Hot Newz for YOU, I write it for the AGES! I write it so that in years to come people will read Hot Newz and think "boy, that guy was bang on with everything he said!" Just like Leornardi Da Vinci or Princess Diana I will be unappreciated in my own time but loved when I'm gone (from the internet). So I will keep writing Hot Newz until I say I'm irrelevant and past it, thank you very much!
I'm going to MIX THINGS UP a little this time and first take look back at some predictions I made at the START of 2007 and see if they came true! These are actually GENUINE predictions I made in January with my mind and you can check them yourself here!
Speaking of ECW (and nobody is) all signs point to Lashley suffering an INJURY in February...
THIS HAPPENED! Okay, it wasn't in February but Lashley DEFIANTLY suffered an injury at some point in 2007 and I called it!
In a shock move, WrestleMania will be in March! The main event will see the big man Batista defend his title against the Undertaker who will be defending his Wrestlemania win streak! My sources tell me that this time the Undertaker will DEFINATELY...win yet again to keep the winning streak alive! However after the match he'll say "Batista, you can closer to beating me than even Giant Gonzales did" and muss up his hair a bit and they'll hug so Batista will get over due to RESPECT~~!
This happened EXACTLY as I predicted it would too right down to the smallest detail! Two for two!
TNA will be in business for ALL for 2007 and they'll get excited when they get a 2.4 rating one day but then they find out that it was really just a 1.1 rating again and Kurt Angle had changed it to make them think he was drawing big ratings! Angle will then be punished by feuding with Rhyna for six months a feud which will see Angle sleep with Ryhno's wife, Rhino piledrive Angle's wife through a table, Angle kidnap Rhyno's children and brainwash them into putting Rhyno in an ankle lock, Rhyno cutting angles breaks, a first blood DEATH match where they both get busted open at the same time and a doctor declares them both legally DEAD and finally, Rhyno coming out as Angle's tag partner one day with no explanation and them winning the tag titles!
I don't actually watch TNA but the chances are VERY HIGH that this all happened (since everything else happened in TNA!)
Benoit will do nothing interesting in 2007 except have great wrestling matches (Hot Newz Note: Yawn!)
Umm...okay, forget this one.
Eugene will try to sexually assault Maria and Hacksaw will make the save and Maria says "how can I repay you?" and Hacksaw says "HOOOOOOOOO!" so Maria hires a prostitute to sleep with him and it's Lita making her return to wrestling!
Eugene WAS fired (possibly for sexual assault but I wouldn't like to say so!) and Lita DID return looking hotter than ever!
The Rock will never ever NEVER appear in the WWE again because he's too good for that crap.
100% correct! That pre-taped appearance talking about the McMahon/Trump hair match doesn't count as it was actually filmed in 2006!
Mick Foley will appear anytime he has a crappy self-indulgent book about water rides to plug and act like he's too good for this crap even though he isn't.
IT'S LIKE I'M NOSTRADOMEUS!
As you can see ALL my predictions were accurate and YES I made a few others too if you go back and look but they were really just COMEDY predictions designed to make you laugh because laughter is the BIZZEST medicine so they don't count as failures, no sir!
Now it's time for the traditional year end awards! Unlike some other year end awards, nobody VOTES on these, I just decide them myself! This guarantees that they reflect the opinion of only TRUE wrestling fans (me!) So, without further APU (lol remember that episode?) here are the awards!
Wrestler Of The Year: How about Randy Orton? Could there be ANY other choice than the legendary killer Randy Orton? Actually, YES, OF COURSE THERE COULD BE! Namely the master of thugeconomics, John Cena! That's right, Cena, who all the smarks hated a year ago, but then it became SO cool to hate him that the real smarky smarks said "hang on, if it's popular to hate Cena...then it's not cool anymore!" so they all started lking him to be REALLY cool! But they were right, Cena was the most improved wrestler of 2007 (see below)! But he's not my choice either, because he still does stupid punches and muscle-tearing hip-tosses and his finisher is a standing fireman's carry or a STFU so bad that Chono (the inventer of the STFU, of course) must be rolling over in whatever the Japanese equevalent of a grave is!
No, my pick for wrestler of the year is....KENTA! That's right, KENTA, a Japanese wrestler from Japan who is such a big name in Japan that he only has one name like Madonna or Cher or HotNewz! And it's in ALL CAPS! Only he could be so bored! Okay, I know MOST of you don't know who he is, but maybe if I tell you he's the guy who stole most of CM Punk's moves then you might twig. And it's true that he DID steal the Go To Sleep from Punk after watching ROH tapes but I don't really care because he does the Go To Sleep a MILLION times better than Punk ever could and when Kenta does it you geuinely believe that his opponent might "go to sleep" (die)! KENTA is also unique in that he is equally popular with both men AND hot girls and the men don't even mind when the girls squeel at him (whereas the men here hate Cena because their girlfriend's love his sexy boyd.) This is because Japanese men are comfortable with their sexuality and most of them admit to having had sexual thoughts about men and most of them probably want to jump Kenta's bones (then have sex with him) and there is NO stigma attached to homosexuality! In many ways, theirs is a superior culture to our own (though I must remind you all that I am 100% STRAIGHT AS HELL), it's just a shame they don't speak no English!
WORST Wrestler Of The Year: Who other than the Great Khali? I'll tell you who other, Cedric Diggory1 That's right, the cult ROH/FIP/Scooby Doo Wrestling star who in 2006 had the MATCH OF THE YEAR with Brian Dragonson now sucks so much that I can't even watch him unless it's for researching an article on how much he sucks! Cedric no longer uses ANY pyschology in hsi matches and just hits and kicks out of finishers for 20 minutes then takes a bow well the souped-up marks chant "that was awesome!" WELL IT WASN'T AWESOME! Cedric has suffered so many concusions that the only moves he can remember now are finishers! There was no better example in 2007 of the dangers of multiple concussions than the sad case of Cedric Diggory.
Most Improved Wrestler Of the Year: John Cena. See above! AND NO, I'm not saying that him being out with an injury is an improvement over having to watch him wrestle every week. I would never make a tasteless joke like that!
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Big Daddy V, Velvet Sky.
Most Missed: The Big Show! If I told you a year ago he was the worst ECW world champion ever (and jobbing the belt to the second worst, Bobby Lashley) that a year later the Big Show would be SORELY MISSED you would have probably given me a stunner and poured beer all over me! But now everytime you watch the Great Khali wrestle you think to yourself "damn, Big Show wasn't so bad after all, I sure miss him!" thus proving that I was right a year ago (in this example, I didn't actually make any prediction about the Big Show being missed a year ago...but I could have!!)
Sexiest Diva: Karen Angle. No explanation needed!
Match of the Year: Matt Hardy versus Finlay fifty minute match on Smackdown! It was the week that Edge tore his pec walking briskly and Batista and Rey were out with similar injuries (who can actually remember the details of the dozens of main event injuries in the WWE in 2007?) so Finlay and Matt were sent out to fill up the tv time and had a classic! Finlay worked over Matt's leg for forty minutes and Matt sold is by rolling around in pain and not walking (which is what you SHOULD do when selling a leg injury!) until eventually he hit a Twist of fate out of nowhere like the underrated DDP used to do with the Diamond Cutter for the win! This match was so good that I was thinking of having a tattoo of Matt giving Finlay the twist of fate done on my back! But then I realised taht would be lame and no girl would ever sleep with me again.
Angle of the year: Karen Angle, again! LOL, sorry for the pun. The correct answer...actually IS Karen Angle! Having her as Kurt's sexy, shouting, pushy wife was such a great move by TNA that I'm surprised I didn't think of it! Remember when she pretended Sting slapper her, thus causing her husband to lose the tag team titles? Brilliant! That's the kind of thing women do in real life, AM I RIGHT, FELLOWS?
Talker of the year: Santino Marella! Even I coudln't have predicted this one as a year ago Santino was still wrestling in Italy for Leaning Tower Wrestling and coudln't even speak no English! But the talent agents found him and taught him some simple phrases he'd need to be a wrestler in the States like "I refuse to job to Carlito!" and "Yes, I would like to purchase some steroids, but don't tell anyone!" Santino's comically poor grasp of the english language had all the boys in the back laughing until someone decided to send him out to the ring with a live mic so the whole world could see the comedy gold! Some will say it's borderline RACIST to laugh at someone from another country just because they can't speak English real good...but who cares, it's funny!
Show of the year: The TNA show where Kurt swung a baseball bat at Sting and Sting was supposed to stop it but he couldn't get his hands up in time and Kurt ended up smashing his face up brutally. Great stuff! I think Gail Kim had a match with ODB on it too where Don West said "I'VE GOT TO ADMIT I'M TURNED ON UNDER OUR DESK, MIKE!"
Commentator of the year: Speaking of Don West...it's JR! For his great call at WrestleMania "CENA HAS DONE IT, KING, HE'S FUCKING DONE IT, FINALLY, AT LAST, AT LONG LAST, THE END IS HERE, A NEW BEGINNING CAN BEGIN, A NEW CHAPTER CAN BEGIN ANEW, ANOTHER PAGE HAS TURNED IN THE STORY OF LIFE, REBIRTH, RESURRECTION, IT'S ALMOST CHRISTLIKE IN A WAY, JOHN CENA HAS PINNED SHAWN MICHAELS WITH THE FU!!! Oh, wait, he kicked out."
Promotion of the year: Ring of Honor. For those who watch, no explanation is necesary. And for those who don't or who disagree, well, you're obviously so DIZZUMB that you wouldn't even be able to understand the explanation anyay, so you may as well go watch a youtube vid of some kid ganso bombing his ten year old brother through a sheet of glass in their backyard instead, you morons!
Tag team of the year: Deuce and Domino or the Highlanders.
Movie of the year: Transformers.
DVD of the year: A comp of JAPANESE~!~~!~!~#!@!~~! matches between the likes of KENTA, KENTA Kobashy (no relation), Mizawa (no relation to the Miz) and Kawada Kick made by my buddy Thwacktory! Thanx dood!!!!
Well that's all the awards, now time for some sign ideas for 2008!
Coach And Cole = The New Coach and Al Snow!
Big Daddy V: Use My Sign As A Bra!
TNA: The Promotion You Love To Hate (To Watch!)
Val Venis? In 2008!? SERIOUSLY!?!?
When Cena Comes Back, We Riot (In Joy!)
2008: The Year Of SharkBoy!
And now for my MUCH ANTICAPATED look forward at 2008! These aren't just predictions, remember, they're based on LEAKED FACTS which I am is posession of! However, things always change due to injuries and steroid scandals, so things might not happen EXACTLY as I say!
January: In the WWE, Sunny will return as a manage on Smackdown and take charge of Deuce and Domino and take them staight to the top! Cherry will be a jealous and challenge Sunny to a ROLLERBALL match to decide who gets to the be the manager! (I don't know exactly what ROLLERBALL is but I assume it has something to do with rollerskates and it must have something to do with wrestling since Meltzer talks about it a lot!) After Sunny LOSES (Cherry just has too much experience on skates!) she will start an affair with Edge, who, it will turn out, ISN'T just using Vickie Guerrero to help his career, he has a fetish for slightly older, slightly overweight women!
Randy Orton will beat Jeff Hardy in seven minutes at the Royal Rumble when Jeff admits he just didn't "have the energy" to kick out of Orton's pin attempt and a new story will start about Jeff "going soft" which will be forgotten by WrestleMania and then vaguely referenced again in August when Jeff beats Matt (now a heel on RAW!) in a street fight and JR says "WHO'S THE SOFT ONE NOW, BAH GAWD!"
Undertaker will win the Royal Rumble, last eliminating the Great Khalie by holidng him in a guilloteene choke over the ropes until Khali passes out and just drops over to the floor, in the same way Benoit eliminated Big Show that year which won't be mentioned!
In TNA, during a match between Abyss and Sharkboy, Vince Russo will walk out to the ring in the middle of the match, grab the mic and say "these guys were only fighting because I ordered them too! They're best friends in real life! What do you think of that!" Sharkboy will then pull his mask off and reveal DISCO INFERNO (who is also a booker in TNA if you read the internet!) who will say "damn it Vince, I told you not to do this angle!" and this will kick off the feud for booking power between Vince and Disco with Mike Tenay taking Russo's side ("HE'S BORN AGAIN AND I'M AN ATHEIST, BUT I LIKE HIS STYLE, DAMN IT! TO THE BACK!") and Don West taking Disco's ("I CAN'T HELP IT MIKE, I KNOW HE'S A GOOFBALL BUT I LOVED THE SIXTIES! I GOT SO MUCH ASS!")
February: At No Way Out there will be an elimination chamber match to determine who faces Randy Orton at WrestleMania and the creator of the elimination chamber Eric Bischoff will be the special guest referee! HHH wins after pinning Jeff Hardy (OMG HE GOT HIS WIN BACK), Shawn Michaels, Mister Kennedy and finally LASHLEY who is back as a heel that hates little kids and before every match he runs up to a little kid in the audience to scare them, but he can't scare HHH and he can't survive the pedigree! Bischoff poses with Triple H afterwards (WTF!?)
Over in TNA, Gail Kim and Amazesome Kong will finally settle their score in an I Quit match where they will do a DOUBLE TURN when Gail won't stop kicking Kong in the face even though she's bleeding and afterwards Gail says "You fans, I never cared about you, all I care about is money and sex!" and will rubt some money between her legs (this makes her a heel, how!?) Then Kong will hug Don West.
In JAPAN, Kenta Kobash will kick some ass and take some names and right the names down as a list on a piece of paper, but then rip the piece of paper up because he doesn't NEED a list, he just needs some ass to kick!
March: WrestleMania will take place in March, as is tradition! THe main events will see HHH versus Orton (yawn) and Undertaker versus Edge, streak versus title(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) HHH wins but afterwards he and Orton shake hands and is this the start of a new respect between them, find out in April! Meanwhile, Undertaker dominates the whole match with Edge until finally he backs off into the corner so Edge can climb the second rope to punch him so that Undertaker can do a last ride, but Edge only punches him once and jumps down and Taker is frustrated and charges at him and Edge rolls him up for the three! Then Undertaker kicks Edge in the groin afterwards and Edge throws up down Vickie Guerrero's cleavage! Other matches will see Jericho and JBL in a "last ride" match but with a limo instead of a hearse, all the ECW guys in a battle royal(!) and Beth Phoenix versus Maria (of course, the Playboy girl always gets the title shot at WrestleMania!) in a match where Candice Michelle will be guest time keeper and swing the bell at Beth but hit Maria but was it REALLY an accident!?!? Special guests appearing will be the Japanese guy from Heroes and Dolly Parton!
Over in TNA, Rhyno, Raven, Shakrboy, Abyss, Blackrain, Killer Spelled Backwards and Booker T (booked with the freaks ALREADY) will take place in a "German deathmatch" which will be like an ordinary deathmatch only filmed in Germany in an empty arena for some reason!
April: Maria will FINALLY appear in Playboy after YEARS of waiting! HOwever, Santino will be JEALOUS and decide to BURN every copy of Playboy in the WORLD before they can be sold! BUt he'll need help and he'll say "I know, I'll ask my cousin for help: Santino Claus! He can travel the whole world in a night!" Then a guy with a long white beard will arrive and take Santino away in his "special truck" to burn all the Playboys! They will drive out to the desert with a whole truck full of Playboys, but then Santino Claus KICKS Santino out of the truck and pulls his FAKE beard off revealing HUGH HEFFNER and says "I will leave you hear, alone, in the desert, with all your pain...FOREVER!" and drives off! Then Santino shows up on RAW again three weeks later and says "I hitch-hiked!"
In TNA, Kurt Angle will VACATE the TNA title to prove that he can win it back at any time (makes sense!) but Jim Cornette will come out and say "you might have just vacated that title, son, but let me tell you something, son, I'm now going to AWARD that title...to YOU, Kurt Angle, to your ASS and your opponent, your ASS's opponent right now...Matt Morgan!" and Morgan will give Angle a big boot and pin him right there! Then Kurt starts crying and says "that's not what I wanted! I wanted to vacate the title and win it back, not vacate it, be given it back, then lose it!! You ruined everything!" and Karen Angle will hit Cornetter with a chair but she hits him too hard and says "Oh my god Kurt, I KILLED HIM!" and she gets AJ Styles and Jeremy Borash to bury Cornette's body in the desert (same desert where Santion is!?) but Cornette wakes up and says "oooh, my head...what am I doing here?" and Karen says "that's simple, we brought you out here...for sex! Borash, AJ, let him have it!" and suddenly the screen goes back. Then Kurt will win the title back from Morgan by pinning Sting in a tag match (where Sting is his own partner!)
May: John Cena is BACK! The doctor of Thug-economics will come out on RAW and says "John Cena is BACK!" Then he'll challenge Randy Orton (who won the title back after turning HEEL of all things on HHH!) to a match because "you gave me an RKO on a table, it didn't break, but I tore my ACL, so don't say that shit was fake!" But then K-FED of all people will come out in a referee's shirt and say "by order of the fact that I slept with Britney when she was still hot and not mad, I will be the special guest referee, BRRRRRRUP!" Then during the match Orton will go for the RKO but K-Fed will kick him in DA NUTZ and Cena hits the Emerald Erosion (his new finisher!) for the pin! ANd Jr says "GOD...GOD...CRAP, CHRIST, IN HEAVEN, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED, DON'T TELL ME JOHN CENA AND K-FED HAVE JUST FORMED AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE THAT WILL RUN ROUGHSHOD OVER WORLD OF WRESTLING AND PROBABLY THE WHOLE WORLD!? DAMN IT, DON'T TELL ME THAT, JUST LET ME LIVE A LIE, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...AAAAAH, MY HEART...IT'S HAVING AN ATTACK....JESUS!" and JR collapses on the floor holding his chest! Then the King will say "phone an ambulance!" but Cena says "hey, I'm a doctor, you know!" and K-Fed says "he needs to be SHOCKED like on tv!" and rips some wires out of a monitor and Cena nods and says "good idea!" and sticks the live wires right up JR's ass! In a segment written by Vince McMahon himself!
In TNA, Russo and Disco reveal that they're feud was just a "work" all along designed to bring ratings up because they're all about the ratings and it worked because one show had a quarter hour that was 0.1 of a rating point higher than the same quarter hour the year before!
June: HHH will reveal that HE was the mastermind behind the K-Fed (who has already left) and Cena screwing of Orton and he's the king of kings, the master of plans, and that's all he's got to say about that! Orton and HBK will then came out as FACES and start a long pointless feud with HHH and Cena!
In TNA, Scott Steiner will announce that he will retire the next time he loses a match (hmm) and then lose to Petey Williams in four minutes later on the show but he'll say "that doesn't count, I didn't have my steroids this morning!" in a controversial angle designed to turn the ratings around!
July: Jericho jumps to Smackdown...to take over from Coach as the color commentator after creative says they have "nothing for him".
TNA takes a month off for "re-tuning".
August: Big Daddy V finally fulfill his "boyhood dream" by winning the ECW title from Tommy Dreamer (who won it from the Miz!) and breaks down crying in the ring afterwards then asks Kelly Kelly (he's dating her now!) to marry him!
TNA returns with a new hour long once every two weeks show called TNA: POW HOUR!!! and the first match is Kurt Angle versus Christian in a "roof rucus" match which will take place on the roof of the POW HOUR ZONE!
September: Kurt Angle finally returns to WWE and cuts a shoot promo on TNA ("TNA? More like Too Inane! WHOOOO!")
TNA is cancelled and replaced by a one hour music show hosted by K-Fed (ironically!)
October: WWE has its first "Halloween Havoc" show with a retirement buried alive match between Undertaker and Kane which ends when Great Khalie runs in and they bury him together and JR says "FOLKS, WE'RE ALL WINNERS TONIGHT, HAPPY HALLOWEEN, HUG YOUR LOVED ONES!"
November: Surviver Series sees HHH's Game-players (HHH, Cena, JBL, William Regal and Highlander Rory) take on Rand Orton's Legend Livers (Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, Santino Marella, Highlander Robbie and newcomer Doctor Knutts) in a traditional Survivor Series match...INSIDE HELL IN A CELL!
Well there you go, the whole YEAR in wrestling for your PURUSAL (sp?) hope you enjoyed it maybe you shoudln't have read it at all if you didn't want spoilers, oh well, too late now LOL!
I'm not sure how well it'll look on TV, but it should provide some incredible inspiration for DEAN. He should probably start drawing now, because I think this week's Smackdown Comix are going to be his masterpiece.