OMG I am back with a Christmas Special! This year is different and it is EXTRA special because instead of giving you hot newz and hot interviews and pictures of hot women like I have done in the past (women by email on request!) I am instead presenting to you a movie script I have written! It is a movie about THE ROCK based on the Shakespeare classic "Scrooged" and I hope to sell it to a MAJOR Hollywood studio! The cast will be obvious once you read the script and I know they'll all be JONESING to appear! Anyway, here is the script, make sure to tell your friends especially if your friends are major hollywood producers!
Written by Hot Newz
Directed by Hot Newz
Executive Producers Hot Newz and SoCal Val
(The Rock and Megan Fox are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.)
Megan: I'm so glad I decided to come out with you, Dwayne.
Rock: And I'm glad you dumped that Terminator loser guy!
Megan: No one even watches that show!
Rock: Haha, I bet they go to a lot of effort with the scripts and everything. Losers. All they need is explosions and catchphrases and eye-brow raising, baby!
Megan: Let's skip the rest of dinner even though it cost a thousand bucks and go straight to bed. FOR SEX!
Rock: Haha, sure baby. A thousand buck is chump change to the...to me. To Dwayne. SEX!
(A young boy comes over to the table.)
Boy: My dad said not to disturb you but I knew you'd sign an autograph for me because you are a good man and I'm one of the millions and millions of fans!
Rock: Sure kid, Dwayne will sign you an autograph...
Boy: Dwayne? I want the Rock's autograph!
Megan: He wants a Rockograph!
Rock: What? TO HELL WITH THAT. I ain't the Rock no more, I hate wrestling. Beat it, jab...you bum!
(The boy runs away in fear.)
Megan: That wasn't very nice.
Rock: Shut your mouth, ho!
Megan: How dare you!
Rock: Look, are we going to have sex or not?
Megan: Not afer you call me a ho!
Rock: Well then...do you like pancakes?
Megan: Umm, yes.
Rock: THEN PANCAKE YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! THEN EAT SOME PANCAKES, SKINNY. I don't need you...I've got someone better to share my bed with.
(CUT TO Rock rolling around in bed...with lots of bank notes!)
Rock: Money money money! You're all I need! I don't need Megan Fox or wrestling fans! I don't need a soul!
(The phone rings. He sighs and answers.)
Rock: I'm with the money, what do you want?
Agent: Got you a new film role! Well, I don't know if you'll want to do it, the script is pretty poor, piss poor actually...
Rock: Am I getting paid more than ever before?
Agent: Yes, and there's lots of explosions and an annoying kid, but...
Rock: Then what are you waiting for? SIGN ME UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN!
Agent: Okay. Merry Christmas for tomorrow.
Rock: Oh, it's Christmas tomorrow?
Agent: Uhh, yeah...
Rock: BAH HURRICANE-BUG!
(He smashes down the phone.)
Rock: Can just by a new one!
(He goes to sleep. CUT TO later that night. The Rock is lying in bed, asleep.)
Rock: Roody poo...candy ass...layin' the smackdown...
Voice: So you STILL talk trash in your sleep?
(The Rock wakes up.)
Rock: Who's that, who's there!?
Voice: Oh I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE just who the hell I am!
(D'Lo Brown steps out of the shadows. DRESSED A GHOST.)
Rock: You're not dead!
D'Lo: No, but my career is!
Rock: What are you doing here?
D'Lo: You will be visited by three ghosts tonight!
Rock: So another two after you.
D'Lo: No, not including me.
Rock: Right, so four ghosts then.
D'Lo: I suppose so.
Rock: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place!?
D'Lo: Look, it's hardly the point! The point is that you must change your ways! Stop being a Hollywood phoney and start caring about your fans and wrestling again.
D'Lo: It's not too late to change! Look at the Great Khali, he hated America and tried to kill The Undertaker, the symbol of all that is good in America, but he discovered a new love for the USA when he started kissing fat american broads! You can do the same thing!
Rock: I'm not kissing no large women! Billy Gunn tried to make me do that once...but that was in another lifetime.
D'Lo: Change your ways! Change your waaaaaays!
(D'Lo backs out of the room making spooky hand gestures.)
Rock: I'm never going back to wrestling and caring about my fans. Never!
(The Rock goes back to sleep. Later that night a banging wakes him up.)
Rock: Who is it this time?
Ghost: I am the ghost of WWF past!
Rock: No, you're just D'Lo again but in a false moustache.
D'Lo in a false moustache: Remember when I had a moustache when we were in the Nation together? That's what this is.
Rock: Just get out of here, you bum! I got to sleep, man, I've got Christmas tomorrow, Christmas with my money!
D'Lo: Not Christmas with THE MUMMY?
Rock: I was in The Mummy Returns, not The Mummy.
D'Lo: Oh. Anyway, look at your past! On his latop. LOOOOOK!
(D'Lo plays a YouTube video on his latop of Rocky Maivia's debut at Survivor Series 96.)
Rock: Damn, look at that pineapple headed jabroni...oh, it's me.
D'Lo: See the simple pleasure you got out of slapping hands with kids and pinning Goldust with a shoulder breaker. You can have that all over again!
Rock: Goldust's still got a job?
D'Lo: Amazingly yes!
Rock: Well unlike him I've moved on!
D'Lo: Oh yeah? Is what you're doing with your life now really more worthwhile than THIS?
(D'Lo plays a YouTube of The Rock hitting Ken Shamrock with a killer chairshot.)
Rock: Haha, no wonder he's lost his last 40 MMA fights after all those chairshots! Still, I don't miss that life.
D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?
(He clicks out another YouTube link, but the "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim by WWE" message comes up.)
D'Lo: Hold on, let me find another link...
(He keeps searching, then closes his browser by mistake.)
D'Lo: Shit...just hold on...
Rock: Look, I do have to sleep, and I've got two more ghosts coming before the night's over...
D'Lo: The sound quality is crap on on this one! Okay, I'll just turn it up...
(It's the video of the Rock versus Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania 18.)
D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?
Rock: No! Those jabroni mothercanuckers booed The Rock out of the building!
D'Lo: They booed...The Rock?
Rock: I mean, me. They booed me. I'm not the Rock anymore!
D'Lo: Change your ways. CHANGE YOUR WAAAAYS!
(D'Lo backs out of the room making ghostly hand gestures.)
Rock: I ain't changing for him or nobody. What a roody...rude person.
(Rock goes back to sleep for 18 seconds before another ghost shows up.)
Ghost: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!
Rock: I'm going to gift wrap you, take a bow, turn that sumbitch sideways and....make another movie. Go away!
Ghost: No. NOOOOO!
Rock: Who are you anyway, you sound familiar...
(It's Tony Atlas!)
Tony Atlas: It's Tony Atlas!
Rock: Well that makes less sense than D'Lo! You were friends with my dad, not part of my present!
Atlas: Yeah, but I'll do anything for money. ANYTHING.
Rock: Yeah, that's true. Well, what do you want?
Atlas: I have something to show you...downstairs...
Rock: Whoah there, uncle Tony, my dad knows about that, don't try it again...
Atlas: No, I mean REALLY downstairs.
Atlas: And you were seventeen at the time so it wasn't even all that bad. Anyway, follow me.
(Rock follows Atlas downstairs and out of his mansion.)
Rock: Wait, we're going to that stinky little hut in the garden?
Atlas: That stinky little hut is where your butler lives.
Rock: Is it? Why would he want to live there? Eww.
Atlas: You only pay him in change you find down the back of your sofa!
Rock: Hey, I gave him a hundred dollar bill the other day.
Atlas: Three months ago!
Rock: Pah, that's enough to feed a starving family for three months...I used to eat dust sandwiches when I was in the USWA...I think...I can't really remember.
Atlas: Look through the window.
Rock: What am I looking at?
Atlas: Umm, them unwrapping their Christmas present...but it will probably be another four hours before they do, given that it's the middle of the night...I should have come later, really.
FOUR WHOURS LATER
Rock: ...and that's the story of how I saved Christopher Walken's career. Now for the story of what really happened to Natalie Wood...
Atlas: Never mind, it's time! BEHOLD!
(Through the window, the young boy from the restaurant is unwrapping his one and only present.)
Rock: Oh, so that's who he was...guess I should have recognised the little jabroni.
Boy: Dad, what is this?
Dad: It's a collection of every movie The Rock has ever been in, on DVD!
Rock: What a great present!
(He throws them down.)
Dad: What's wrong, son?
Boy: Daddy, I hate The Rock! He's mean and his movies suck! I mean, Gameplan? SERIOUSLY?
Dad: Now son, don't be ungrateful, it's thanks to the Rock that we have this lovely house...
Boy: This house is horrible!
Boy: The Rock sucks! I'd rather have The Marine on DVD than these abortions.
Dad: You don't mean that, son.
Boy: I do. I'd rather have Mister Kennedy's movie!
Dad: You've gone too far!
(The father grabs the son and starts spanking him.)
Dad: TAKE. YOUR. MEDECINE.
Atlas: Uhh, I didn't think that was going to happen. But you see the point? Your young fans have lost all faith in you and your movies suck.
Rock: Hey, I made Doom.
Rock: Hmm...but wrestling...I'm so much better than that.
Atlas: Oh, you think you're better than me, do you, better than Tony Atlas and Big Mark Henry?
Atlas: Okay, fair point. There's still one more ghost to come, maybe he can change your mind.
Rock: Who's it going to be? Tazz?
Atlas: Oh, you'd like it to be Tazz, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?
(Atlas runs away. The Rock shrugs and goes back to bed. Twelves seconds later a ghost awakes.)
Rock: Hi Tazz...wait, you're not Tazz...
Ghost: It's me! D D P!
DDP: Me! Look at my hands!
Rock: God you're old. How can you be the Ghost of Christmas Future?
DDP: Because you'll be old some day, Rock. Old and wrinkly like me! And like me you could end up alone, Kimberley having left you for Bischoff, WWE, TNA and not even MEXICO returning your calls! But that's not a bad thing! That's a good thing.
Rock: It is?
DDP: Nah, it's a bad thing. I'm just trying to get all my catchphases in. BANG! Hey, you know that hand signal Hitler used to do? That was the self HEIL five!
Rock: Just show me whatever you've got to show me.
(DDP pops a DVD on. It is of the latest Impact.)
Rock: Hey, Mickey Faulty! Foley? Something like that. I wondered what happened to that guy. Why are you showing me him? To show the dangers of eating too many pies?
Rock: You been hanging out with Tony Atlas?
DDP: He's a cool guy.
(Foley is talking to Jim Cornette backstage.)
Foley: ...remember that Boiler Room Brawl I had with the Big Show? Funny story about that match, Vince Russo came up to me before it and said "Mick, you're gonna have to hit Big Show with a bottle of lemonade" and I said "No way Vince, I ain't doing that!" But then I had a change of heart and decided I would do it, then during the match I'm looking for my bottle of lemonade, can't find it! Turns out Mideon, that tattooed tough guy, drank it before the match. Then Mideo peed in Viscera's boots! Crazy days. Great days. I miss them so much. But hey, I'm having a lot of fun here in TNA! It reminds me of when I was in ECW and Steve Austin was wrestling on one show and before his match I said "hey Steve, you can use my big elbow drop if you want!" He didn't use it. Great guy though. It's a shame him and Debra didn't stay together...
Rock: Enough! This is painful! It has nothing to do with TNA's product, it's just Mick rambling on!
Rock: What do you mean, exactly? This has no relevance to me, I'm not going to end up like that.
DDP: Are you sure?
Rock: Yeah, it's impossible.
DDP: Impossible? No. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely? Yes. But NOT impossible. And you need to be aware of that, Rock. Just imagine, if you will, for a moment that your movie career fails because you've been in nothing but bad movies and refuse to star in anything good. Just IMAGINE that the money's running out because your ex wife has turned into a bitch and wants more for your stinking kids. But worse than that, imagine that you're not famous anymore! Imagine that no one knows who you are or cares about you anymore. Imagine that the ONLY WAY to be famous again is to return to wrestling, but the WWE won't hire you because of the way you treated D'Lo Brown and Tony Atlas, two great and much loved men, a couple of years earlier. Your ONLY OPTION is to go to TNA and then, like Foley, all you can do is talk about the times you used to be great in pointless backstage segments with Jim Cornette and Jeremy Borash. You cannot deny that there is a chance, even the smallest chance in the world, that this COULD happen. You cannot deny that. And you can't take the chance that it could happen.
(The Rock looks horrified.)
Rock: My God, you're right. I'm returning to WWE this instant!
(DDP runs away. The Rock goes to the window. The butler's son is outside.)
Rock: You boy, what day is this?
Boy: What, you don't have a calendar? You can't just turn on the radio or tv?
Rock: Just tell me!
Boy: Why sir, it's Christmas day. You miserable old Scrizzoge!
Rock: Oh really?
(The Rock takes some of the money he's been sleeping with and throws it out of the window.)
Kid: Yay, money! Thanks Rock! This will stop dad from hitting me!
Rock: Don't mention it, kid!
Kid: Hmm...it does smell funny though.
Rock: That's strange.
(Rock takes a step back from the window.)
Rock: Better not tell him I've been masturwanking with that cash.
A WEEK LATER
(The Rock is meeting with Vince McMahon in Vince's office.)
Vince: ...then it's agreed, you'll return full time starting this week on RAW.
Rock: I can't believe I'm back! It feels so good. No more crappy movies!
Vince: Haha, yeah. I heard you were dating Megan Fox by the way, how did that end?
Rock: I realised she's horribly overrated.
Vince: Ha, glad you did, pal! There's lots of hot divas you can sleep with here anyway.
Rock: I assume Trish Stratus, Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson are still employed?
Vince: Umm...I think they all died or something. But there's Kelly Kelly! She has an improbable name.
Rock: I like her already!
(They shake hands and The Rock leaves. D'Low Brown, Tony Atlas and DDP step out of the shadows.)
Vince: Well done, all of you. Here's a crisp hundred dollar bill each.
Atlas: Just like The Rock did for his butler!
D'Lo: This is going straight n the bank!
Vince: Yeah, you both better save...since you're both FIRED. Sorry, you both suck and I need to pay the Rock's huge salary. GET THEM OUT OF HERE!
(The Basham Brothers (they're still alive!) drag D'Lo and Tony Atlas away.)
DDP: Well, what about me? You promised me a job if I talked the Rock back!
Vince: No, I promised not to kick you in the face if you got down on your knees and begged for a job.
Steroids aren't exclusive to wrestling, but given recent events I thought this might be the best place to ask the question. I know that steroids don't work like Popeye and spinach, i.e you'll still need to work out etc...