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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - your MIGHTY MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 10/7/2004~!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 7.10.04 2102.52
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2103.27
Ah, my tender reader, remember last week... the FAUNTASY booking. Oh yeah, you remember.... yeah I can't wash the stink of dorktasm out of my skin either....

WHAT WORKED-

- God, JBL will blade like a complete psycho. I didn't pay for the shitty booking of the last PPV so that always works.

- Kenzo loves America. Tazz sings Deep Purple and my life is now complete. Kenzo singing "New York, New York" is sooooo the greatest thing ever in the history of anything. Jillion Gazillion stars. Rey Rey and RVD- The Doobie Brothers 2- hit the ring. Rey Rey bumps stomach first after the Psicosis slide to the floor. Kenzo works all stiff because Rey Rey is a MAN. Kenzo rudos the Reverse Rana like a perfectly fine Overgrown Untalented Angel Mortal. The flash pin was fun. Sets up a tag match well. I heart clean pins. I heart clean pins filled with hate. They need to work on that hate part.

- JBL has blood under his bandaid. JBL starts his own "J-B-L" chant and Josh looks terrified because the last time he was forced to chant "J-B-L", he was tied up and naked with a motel remote control stuck up hisHEY! THAT GEORGE STRAIT COMMERCIAL! God, I hate that "Beachfront Property In Arizona" song. Yeah. I don't like George Strait's songs. They don't make me want to drink bourbon and jump on cop cars. Now that Sawyer-Brown on the otherhand...

- JBL doesn't come out wearing a Bill Buckner jersey and talking shit about the Kennedys. So that sucks. Clubbing Forearms. Clubbing Blows. Holly has the shittiest punches in the WWE. Think about the territory THAT covers. JBL gets busted open early and that helps. JBL kicks Holly in the head and IT RULES. Let me move this up yonder. JBL bumps big into the stairs and we have a nearfall. Holly with a nice suplex and JBl is bleeding like a stuck pig. JBL cheats to TRANSITION~! Holly does a Hacksaw Duggan offense sequence. JBL kicks out of Holly's finisher. Oh wait, that's right, he's actually got a much shittier looking finisher. JBL walks out and keeps the belt and I dig 1977 World Title television match booking.

- Awesome! Chavo is back. Now if they just get CHAVO CLASSIC to come back.

- Ah sweet MicroTouch. Why don't you love me? Oh MicroSoft, it's my heart again that drives me so wild- I just can't explain although i'm not a child. It's in my blood to always love you more.....

- Big Show should start wearing Kiss make-up or something. Jindrak takes his assbeating like a man. Big Show bumps fat to the floor. Big Show sells the arm well as Jindrak fucking DIES to the floor to win me over to his side. Hey! It's Eddy! Big Show looks fabulous.

- Josh and Carlito have a moment. Josh is all torn up. Can he afford to invest in someone as self-centered as Carlito? Carlito fights his love by trying to denigrate the object of his desire. He tenderly touches Josh's frosted tips and tries to cancel it with the harsh words he says. The spark ignites. The touch of explosive ordinance. Josh is past Brock, finally.

- Booker T doesn't understand urban lingo- which I found odd. Orlando is heartbroken at being called an Uncle Tom. He is more heartbroken at having to carry the ordinary Booker T in their upcoming fued, one would suppose.

- Hey, Heidenreich comes out and is going to read some poetry. HE IS A DEMON! Heyman would appreciate if the rubes in Boston would shut their fucking beanholes for a minute. DEMON! Heidenreigh wants to share some feelings. It will be a masterpiece! A DEMONIC POETIC MASTERPIECE! Heidenreight the tortured artist is so fabulous. Heidenriich as a steroid-drenched Rik Mayall's People's Poet would work more if he would actually read the whole poem. And maybe start crying as he reads it. And he should shave his head into a mohawk and wear shoulder pads and have a blond gay man ride on the back of his motorcycle. Maybe I got ahead of myself. Heidenreich beats up a plant!



WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Cena disses the New Kidz On the Block just because he can't "HANG TUFF" with Cole. It's Carlito. Let me tell you about Carlito. He was in some REALLY great matches in Puerto Rico. Because he wrestled Ray Gonzalez. Ray Gonzalez is the best wrestler to ever come out of Puerto Rico. John Cena is the fifth best wrestler to come out of OVW. I imagine diminishing returns. I try to hate Carlito's gimmick but he can't ruin clothes like THOSE and he is so close to being funny enough to justifying his own wrestling television screen existence. Okay. Maybe not.

- Ooooooo, the Undertaker is a GHOST now! My brain stem is too developed to digest this. And I used to watch FAMILY MATTERS religiously every week. Heidenreich will recite poetry. That's an upside. Heyman is shitty in his VIGNETTE~! with Teddy Long- wiggling his face fat in fear of the supernatural powers of Undertaker. He is sooo not the new Shemp.

- Kidman as the New Salvatore Sincere is such a slightly lateral moveI suspect. Charlie Haas doesn't kiss Miss Jackie's tummy. Where's the romance? They do a bunch of armdrags- none particularly deep- that all lead to almost the end of Billy Kidman's motor skills as they barely pull off a DiBiase Powerslam. Haas with a NICE Capture Suplex. Haas with a two-count on his fruity Reverse Toprope Axe-Handle. The Rydeen Bomb on Jackie was pretty heel-like. I guess Rico missed his cue to save Jackie because it fucks up Kidman's heat when he doesn't SSP Jackie. Okay, I'll keep Kidman down here for old time's sake. He's actually fun as a heel. And he and Haas look like they could have a good fued. And i dig how they are getting over Kidman's finisher as this crippling move.

- Carlito and Cena have a comical match- sorta like Jim Powers versus Eddie Jackie match from Worldwide but with far lower grade offenses. God, I wish they would cut this show to one hour. Carlito with the Finest Shitty Rick Steiner Punches Ever. But they are far better than Cena's. Carlito bumps big over the rail and we go to commercial. Maybe I need some time alone with two episodes of KING OF QUEENS and Lee Remi's fabulous buttocks. OOP! We're back and it's like Max Muscle versus Adrien Byrd. I await the Chip Minton run-in. God, can we put the ring on a rotating stage? Tazz is hilarious trying make the shitty Carlito Sleeper sound like anything but a shitty resthold. A double tencount that is completely heatless coming out of a half-assed sleeper. Carlito grabs the belt and the finish is HORRENDOUSLY shitty. God, The ring was a terlit and WWE had the bad clams with Jack sauce last night....

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

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Tony Stewart
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#2 Posted on 7.10.04 2113.14
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2114.38
Carlito may have the funkiest music on the roster right now.



(edited by Tony Stewart on 7.10.04 2213)
Spaceman Spiff
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#3 Posted on 7.10.04 2114.58
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2115.23
How'd you miss this part of the Heyman/Heidenreich segment:

Heyman: "Let it out, let it out."
Heidenreich: *reaches into tights..........and pulls out his poem*

I got scared there for a second.
Eddie Famous
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#4 Posted on 7.10.04 2124.40
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2127.44
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    Heidenriich as a steroid-drenched Rik Mayall's People's Poet would work more if he would actually read the whole poem.


Are you cliff
-or-
Are you Cliff?
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#5 Posted on 7.10.04 2130.26
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2134.36
    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Heidenriich as a steroid-drenched Rik Mayall's People's Poet would work more if he would actually read the whole poem.


    Are you cliff
    -or-
    Are you Cliff?


Ask Vanessa Redgrave!
Torchslasher
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#6 Posted on 7.10.04 2311.37
Reposted on: 7.10.11 2313.33
You should be flayed for suggesting that Orlando could carry anything regarding Booker T...except for his bags maybe. You must explain where the unfounded Jordan respect comes from!

"The touch of explosive ordinance"--CLASSIC!
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#7 Posted on 8.10.04 0033.33
Reposted on: 8.10.11 0036.49
    Originally posted by Torchslasher
    You should be flayed for suggesting that Orlando could carry anything regarding Booker T...except for his bags maybe. You must explain where the unfounded Jordan respect comes from!

    "The touch of explosive ordinance"--CLASSIC!


I love Orlando Jordan. So much bigger upside than the formerly beloved Booker T.
Spiraling_Shape
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#8 Posted on 8.10.04 0749.32
Reposted on: 8.10.11 0754.36
    Originally posted by Eddie Famous
      Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
      Heidenriich as a steroid-drenched Rik Mayall's People's Poet would work more if he would actually read the whole poem.


    Are you cliff
    -or-
    Are you Cliff?


Pollution...sometimes up, sometimes down, but always...around.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#9 Posted on 8.10.04 0817.18
Reposted on: 8.10.11 0820.39
    Originally posted by Spiraling_Shape
      Originally posted by Eddie Famous
        Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
        Heidenriich as a steroid-drenched Rik Mayall's People's Poet would work more if he would actually read the whole poem.


      Are you cliff
      -or-
      Are you Cliff?


    Pollution...sometimes up, sometimes down, but always...around.


"What do you think you're doing, Pig?
Do you really give a fig, Pig?
And what's your favourite type of gig, Pig?
Barry Manilow?
Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?"
Net Hack Slasher
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#10 Posted on 9.10.04 0621.04
Reposted on: 9.10.11 0622.11
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    JBL doesn't come out wearing a Bill Buckner jersey and talking shit about the Kennedys. So that sucks. Clubbing Forearms. Clubbing Blows. Holly has the shittiest punches in the WWE. Think about the territory THAT covers. JBL gets busted open early and that helps. JBL kicks Holly in the head and IT RULES. Let me move this up yonder. JBL bumps big into the stairs and we have a nearfall. Holly with a nice suplex and JBl is bleeding like a stuck pig. JBL cheats to TRANSITION~! Holly does a Hacksaw Duggan offense sequence. JBL kicks out of Holly's finisher. Oh wait, that's right, he's actually got a much shittier looking finisher. JBL walks out and keeps the belt and I dig 1977 World Title television match booking

This part really made me laugh. You wanting JBL to talk sh*t about the Kennedys hehe... Also claiming that Holly has the sh*ttiest punches in the E & emphasizing for us to think how much THAT covers lol.
tomk
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#11 Posted on 9.10.04 1457.39
Reposted on: 9.10.11 1457.49
    Originally posted by Tony Stewart
    Carlito may have the funkiest music on the roster right now.



    (edited by Tony Stewart on 7.10.04 2213)


The music he came out to in the opening mic segment?
Was that the Divas in Paradise music?

I knew I recognized it from someplace, and then closed my eyes and dug up the memory of advertisement with Jazz and Sara Taker in bikinis simulating femininity.

pieman
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#12 Posted on 11.10.04 1250.19
Reposted on: 11.10.11 1252.23
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    THAT GEORGE STRAIT COMMERCIAL! God, I hate that "Beachfront Property In Arizona" song. Yeah. I don't like George Strait's songs. They don't make me want to drink bourbon and jump on cop cars. Now that Sawyer-Brown on the otherhand...


Now I am not a fan of the country music, but I did attend high school with Joe Smyth, the drummer for Sawyer Brown. Yes, the drummer for a country band grew up in Maine. Not that I actually listen to their music, but he's even older than me, so there you go, Dean.
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