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The 7 - Guest Columns - My wedding tribute to Trips and Steph
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Hogan's My Dad
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#1 Posted on 17.2.03 0140.56
Reposted on: 17.2.10 0141.11
Look, marriage is a sacred union and I wish these two the best. Now for some stupid "wedding gifts they'd get" jokes.

I can see the wedding gifts now. A piece of the canvas from Armageddon 1999, when they first got together on-screen, from Vince and Linda.

The name of a good lawyer, from Shane McMahon.

An ornamental torch from Hulk Hogan.

A homemade Bible from the Warrior.

A clit-ring, approximately the size of a hula-hoop, from Joanie Laurer.

A heart-shaped bong from X-Pac and Road Dogg (who had to go in on a gift together because they couldn't afford separate ones).

Weed for that bong from RVD.

A crystal house from Chris Jericho. Equipped with glass ceiling.

Vaseline from Howard Stern, for the wedding night.

Somas, from Shawn Michaels. Post-marked 1997. A new gift is sent, weeks later, with Shawn's apologies. It's a Holy Bible. Several passages are bookmarked. With somas.

A knee-brace, from Kevin Nash. He quips at the reception that the knee-brace, ironically enough, is for Stephanie. Everyone has a good life. Many fear Vince won't find the joke funny. Vince was busy looking at Steph's cleavage, so he didn't hear the joke. Kevin Nash scratches his eyebrow and injures his quad.

Steve Austin, not being on good terms with the couple is implored by management to send them a gift. He tells management to send them whatever they want on his behalf but it shouldn't cost more than 10 dollars or he'll deny having sent it. Management sends Triple H and Steph matching Austin 3:16 t-shirts. The style of the T-Shirts? Wife-beater, of course.

Funny moments come when Test remarks how ironic it was that he was the storyline vessel through which Steph and Trips started spending time together. It's ironic because he isn't used to carrying anyone to good a match.

Ivan Putski sings a Polish wedding song during the reception. No one invited him.

Superfly shows up to tell Austin he's an underachiever. Then he leaves.

Pat Patterson tries to start a conga line. 3MW join right behind him. They are so sloppy, even at dancing, that they injure his shoulder.

The wedding limosuine, a converted BMW, has a bad situation when Undertaker reveals himself as the driver and has grown in his evil beard. He is lost in 1999 storylines. He drives hella-fast in the expensive automobile over the speed bumps in the church parking lot. Triple H and Steph scream in terror. Kurt Angle remarks that he doesn't understand...Triple usually enjoys riding a superior bump machine.

The Rock gets halfway to the wedding, then realizes he'd rather make movies and turns around.

They go to Paris, but the honeymoon coincides with a European WWE tour. Triple H finds time to main event all the shows. He claims it is because he was announced and felt he had to put in an appearance. Other wrestlers are annoyed and remark that the last time the WWE was in France was 1991, and they said the smartest man in wrestling would be there, among others. That was acutally about "the Genius". But Triple H has a reputation to uphold. On this tour he has a best of seven with Chris Jericho, defeating Jericho 4 in consecutive falls, and then volunteering to wrestle him in three more just for the hell of it, all in under three minutes and eleven seconds. By this point Triple H is having trouble having matches any longer than this, and despite being so winded he needs oxygen backstage, said he offered to "go the hour" but couldn't because Jericho can't wrestle the main event style.

Triple H tears his biceps, triceps, quadreceps, pectoralis muscles, traps, and abs when he struggles to lift Stephanie over the threshold.

Later, during the heated wedding-night sex, Triple H and Steph are appalled to find Bischoff watching while sitting on the edge of the bed and beating off. He mumbles something about bisexual lesbians, a screen-door for submarines, perforated condoms, and solar-powered night-vision goggles. When it is explained those things don't make sense, Bischoff hisses something about "that fuckin' Gerwitz" and leaves.

When they forget their honeymoon travellers cheques, they are forced to wash dishes and sweep around the hotel. Triple H leaves stains on the dishes and dirt on the floor. He also drinks some fruit beverages he finds in the kitchen which are only supposed to be for customers. Once he is accused of having all the fruit beverages, he says he knew nothing about it: and hotel manager Julie Hartt doesn't believe him. He tries to do an artist's sketch of the person who supposedly did drink the fruit boxes. The stick figures don't help much. Stephanie remarks that Triple H is poor worker who can't draw, but he's not heavily juiced. None of the other workers believe this assessment.

Triple H, the next day, receives a call from a lawyer who says he's inherited a restaurant in the area and some investors are interested. It turns out to be a high-class establishment. Despite huge money being offered, enough for Trips and Steph to start their own company, Trips won't allow the buyout. Later, when asked why, Triple H smirks and says: "Did you really think I'd sell the five-star?"

I have more of these, but I'm tired and constipated. But seriously, marriage is a beautiful thing and may God bless these two. Especially Steph. Because in ten years, Triple H is going to be an ugly, ugly, ugly man.


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Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#2 Posted on 17.2.03 0247.51
Reposted on: 17.2.10 0247.58
"Triple H is going to be an ugly, ugly, ugly man."

Bad one-liners:

1. You say that as if he isn't one now.

2. You mean like Chyna?

3. At the rate Steph's going, they'll start to look like each other.

4. Is that a physical judgment or an emotional judgment?

5. Are you saying he's going to cut his hair like Test?

6. You mean from the middle down, right? 'Cause the top is going to be cut to shreds. Like Steph's bra, after her walking vigorously.

7. You're insinuating that he and X-Pac are brothers, aren't you?
Gugs
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#3 Posted on 17.2.03 2236.36
Reposted on: 17.2.10 2239.07

    Originally posted by Hogan's My Dad
    When they forget their honeymoon travellers cheques, they are forced to wash dishes and sweep around the hotel. Triple H leaves stains on the dishes and dirt on the floor. He also drinks some fruit beverages he finds in the kitchen which are only supposed to be for customers. Once he is accused of having all the fruit beverages, he says he knew nothing about it: and hotel manager Julie Hartt doesn't believe him. He tries to do an artist's sketch of the person who supposedly did drink the fruit boxes. The stick figures don't help much. Stephanie remarks that Triple H is poor worker who can't draw, but he's not heavily juiced. None of the other workers believe this assessment.

    Triple H, the next day, receives a call from a lawyer who says he's inherited a restaurant in the area and some investors are interested. It turns out to be a high-class establishment. Despite huge money being offered, enough for Trips and Steph to start their own company, Trips won't allow the buyout. Later, when asked why, Triple H smirks and says: "Did you really think I'd sell the five-star?"



You are a cruel, hurtful man. My sides, once they have pulled themselves together, shall never forgive you for this.
Ringmistress
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#4 Posted on 24.2.03 1310.34
Reposted on: 24.2.10 1312.48
Triple H is going to be an ugly, ugly, ugly man in 10 years, eh? Thanks for warning me, so now I can get mentally prepared, Hogan.

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Hogan's My Dad
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#5 Posted on 24.2.03 1858.59
Reposted on: 24.2.10 1859.01
Jeb...Quality stuff.

Gugs...Well, thanks man, glad you liked it.

Steph...Er...I'm adopted...Hogan's not my biological dad. I will say this though. You are the only female I have ever met who thinks Triple H is attractive. I never claimed I was a GQ model. But if you think you're not in the minority on that whole Triple H being an ugly mofo thing, I doubt it.

I will agree on Orton, though. That is one delicious-looking man. Er...By which I mean...If I were a woman or a gay man I would find him attractive. But...I'm...not...
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