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The 7 - Guest Columns - Satire 1/27
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#1 Posted on 28.1.03 0035.51
Reposted on: 28.1.10 0036.38
Last Week: Triple H, Triple Naitch, “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, and Randy Orton formed their new stable the Four Horsemen Who Aren’t Really the Four Horsemen. Chris Jericho brained Stacy with a chair causing Test to bawl like a child. Finally, after years of being held down the Lance Storm Action Figure finally became the first action figure to win a WWE title. Oh and some guy named Steve Austin…Uh…Wasn’t there.

Booker T v Jeff Hardy

Coming off his near success fighting another face last week, Jeff is determined to prevent himself from blowing any spots tonight. Jeff blows a spot coming into the ring and just sits in the corner and pouts while Booker does a spinerooni. Pissed off that he’s been taken out of his ImagiNation, Jeff runs at Booker, but he blows the spot and ends up on the outside and is counted out. Uh…Booker wins!!

Scott Steiner is asking Coach for Lita’s phone number when suddenly he remembers that he’s got a promo to cut…


Scott Steiner comes out and challenges Triple H to come out to the ring for some more manly flexing. However, HHH says that the time for his many flexing and long loving glances at Steiner has come to an end. HHH has the Not Four Horseman to attend to now.

SS: It’s me isn’t it? Aren’t my arms large enough for you?
HHH: It’s not that Scott. You’ve been terrific, really you have. It’s…it’s me.
SS: You?
HHH: Yes, Scott. Me. In need more space. Like a bird spreading it’s wings, I need to be FREE, Scott!
SS: There’s someone else, isn’t there?
HHH: Yes. Yes there is.
SS: It isn’t that bitch, Michaels, is it?
HHH: No, it isn’t Shawn. It’s Ric Flair. And Batista. AND Randy Orton.
HHH: Scott…We can still be enemies…

The Not Four Horsemen come out to revel in HHH’s manly presence, sending Steiner into a rage with a lead pipe that may very well take us into the next ad break…


Terri asks D’Lo and Teddy Long what they think of super heros. Apparently, they’ve never seen “Steel” with Shaq. Then again, neither have I.

D’Lo Brown (w/ Teddy Long) v. The Hurricane

In an amazing coincidence D’Lo’s opponent, the Hurricane, is a super hero! Wow! Unfortunately, Hurricane’s super-power is jobbing. D’Lo wins.


A very grainy Hulk Hogan returns to RAW and attacks Vince McMahon. HE’S BEEN STOLEN FROM SMACKDOWN! By Gawd! This is the turning point that will set the world on fire and save Eric Bischoff’s job! The Chief looks on approvingly until Eric Bischoff mentions that just showing the video on RAW doesn’t make it real. What a buzzkill that guy is.

Terri is getting the full run tonight as she stands by with Chris Jericho. Jericho says that he’ll make an announcement concerning Stacy to the entire world tonight. I hope it’s that she has amnesia. Oh! Oh! Or that she’s pregnant with Jericho’s baby! Or that the chair shot awakened a long buried memory in Stacy’s head and now she wants Daffney to pay for stealing her man. Or…


Jericho says that he blames Scott Steiner for his injuring Stacy, because if Steiner would have been trusted to have a good match with Dave Davidson last week, he never would have had to waste so much time. Chris Tian comes out to say that he’s deeply disturbed about the lack of wrestling on tonight’s show. Jericho concurs that only a manly men wrestle. This draws out “Prayer Warior” Shawn Michaels

PW: Anybody wearing checkered pants shouldn’t be talking about how manly they are.
CJ: Blow it out your ear Biker Shorts Boy.
CT: Can I mention that this ISN’T wrestling.
PW: No.

Chris Tian gets a jonesing for some hot wrestling action so he attacks Prayer Warrior. The power of prayer won’t help you now, Shawn! Thankfully for him, he has some wrestling skills to fall back on and he fights off Christian and Jericho.


Victoria and Stevie Richards fight with the trash can. Wheee.

Trish Stratus v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richads)
Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Women’s Title

They don’t play Victoria’s Russian Lesbians song so, Trish and Lilian Garcia can’t engage in any HLA this week. Sorry, folks. Sadly, the girls refuse to take the fight to the Streets of Chicago as the name of the match implies, because it is too cold. So instead, Jazz comes out and beats up Trish.

Bubba Ray and Rev. D-Von Dudley v. William Regal and the Lance Storm Action Figure
Tables Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

The Dudleyz take out Regal actively destroying the championship team, but when they go to get the tables they find that The Chief has removed them all. The Chief tells them that he has a better match lined up…

Bubba Ray and Rev. D-Von Dudley v. William Regal, the Lance Storm Action Figure, The Chief and Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico)
Tables Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles

One way to make sure that Three Minute Warning aren’t big jobbers? Don’t let them actually wrestle. The plan works so well that Regal, Storm, Rosie, and Jamal all put the good Reverend through a table. Guarenteeing them all a piece of tag team gold action. Spike Dudley takes time off from jobbing to HHH to run out and get kicked. Thanks, Spike!

The WWE took a tour of Asia. I bet THEY didn’t complain about the workrate.

The Not Four Horsmen are trying to pressure Eric to take away Scott Steiner’s title opportunity until they realize that Steiner hasn’t really done anything since he came back, and they back off.

Al Snow tells Tough Enough Kidz Matt Ksomethingorather and John H…uh…Heineken? that the loser of tonight’s match will be cut. Nah, he’s just kidding. They hope! Christopher Nowinski reminds the kids not to get nervous. TE winners always do fine in their first match. After all, look at Jackie.

RVD decides that this show needs a little more Kane. Kane is unimpressed with RVD’s moveset. What his moveset needs is a little more apathy.


Matt Uh…Matt v. John
In a Loser May or May not Get Cut By Al Snow Match

John does some flippy thing and then Matt works the rest holds. This is just like watching Tough Enough but on Monday! Nowinski runs down to warn them both that Maven is an ass, but Tommy Dreamer canes everybody out of nowhere. Then some kooky music plays and J.R. says, “Oh, that darn Tommy Dreamer.” Freeze Frame!


Sean O’Haire tells everybody to smoke some weed. RVD approaches from the other side of the white light.

RVD: You trying to steal my gimmick, dude?
SO: No. I’m just telling the people what they already know.
RVD: So you’re wasting my TV time.
SO: No. I’m just trying to get my new gimmick over before I debute.
RVD: What’s that?
SO: I’m Satan. Get it? And HHH and I are going to have a big blowoff feud at Armageddon.
RVD: Sounds cool, bro, but lay off the pot innuendo. That’s MY shtick.
SO: Cool. Say, can I borrow the Hammer Pants?
RVD: Yeah, any time.

Eric Bischoff shills RAW Magazine. You can now find out why Steve Austin left, what happened between him and Vince, JR, and Debra, and what Steve Austin thinks about your favorite Superstars. Awesome. Steve, what do you think about Shannon Moore? What do you mean, “I don’t”?

Steve Austin has the Desire to Wrestle in this video. Under the circumstances…that’s pretty funny.


HHH and “Dave” Bautista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair and Randy Orton) v. Rob Van Dam and Kane

The match goes back and forth for a while until Flair and Orton get sick of playing cheerleader and decide to pull Kane’s mask off. It’s The Undertaker!! Oh, man! I remember this RAW. Flair and Orton are freaking out until Taker realizes that he’s not supposed to be AT this show and runs off. Then, the REAL Kane shows up, but it’s too late because Batista’d already pinned RVD. The Not Horsemen lay out Kane, but Scott Steiner runs out to break it up.

However, Chris Jericho runs out to break up Steiner’s running out to break up, so the heels get the upper hand. Then they replay the end of last weeks RAW just to piss off the CSI guys. Then Chris Jericho stands around. Neat.

Next Week: Chris Jericho and Scott Steiner go head to head in a battle of wits…Wait…Steiner’s got to win right? Change “wits” to “steroid abuse”. Steve Austin will not show up. And in an all out attempt to turn RAW around, Eric Bischoff books an entire hour of midget matches and things get crazy go nuts.


(edited by Excalibur05 on 28.1.03 1500)
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Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#2 Posted on 28.1.03 0232.02
Reposted on: 28.1.10 0232.29
"What do you mean, 'I don't'?"

Brilliant. Cruelly, truthfully brilliant. But perhaps Scott and Triple H can rekindle their love with a chance encounter over some Taster's Choice....
Net Hack Slasher
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#3 Posted on 29.1.03 0342.44
Reposted on: 29.1.10 0342.47
Good work, there was a couple of real laugh out loud comments.

"Unfortunately, Hurricane’s super-power is jobbing"


"Al Snow tells Tough Enough Kidz Matt Ksomethingorather and John H…uh…Heineken? that the loser of tonight’s match will be cut. Nah, he’s just kidding. They hope!"... "John does some flippy thing and then Matt works the rest holds. This is just like watching Tough Enough but on Monday!"

I have no idea why I found the last part so funny Eh, just remembered Tough Enough IS on Mondays in Canada. lol

(edited by Net Hack Slasher on 29.1.03 0446)
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#4 Posted on 30.1.03 1048.04
Reposted on: 30.1.10 1059.03
Hey, how come the Lance Storm Action Figure and Randy Orton are getting pushed while Triple H's door doesnt even see the light of day these days?

We can only hope that true love wins out between HHH and Steiner. Oh for a wedding on Raw tor rival that monumentous one they had on Smackdown a few weeks back
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#5 Posted on 30.1.03 1338.36
Reposted on: 30.1.10 1342.07
And what about the Dudleys replacing the Lance Storm Action figure, with the William Regal action figure? I want to know what happens!


Damn 'next week' teasers.
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