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Llakor
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#1 Posted on 26.1.03 1651.25
Reposted on: 26.1.10 1651.25
***This is missing a couple of links (They are obvious) My assistant Beaker has unfortunately misplaced the links so I'll add them in later ***

***And my thanks to Arsenal for stepping in and getting me the links that I needed.***

Llakor Broadcast System

Sunday, January 26th, 2003

LBS#11: Season's Beatings 2003

Dear CRZ:

I know it sometimes seems that I lurch from recap to recap without a clear idea of where I’m going, but the truth is that I always have a destination in mind... well... ALMOST always. I had every intention of finishing Know Your Enemies next followed by Payback’s a Bitch, and then I had something very special planned my recap of Season’s Beatings. If you have noticed a gradual increase in the hostilities between myself and OZ, it was for good reason...

( What? Besides the fact that I HATE you? )
Right.

In any case, after the events of Season’s Beatings, OZ and I have reached an uneasy truce. We felt that it would be disrespectful to the wrestlers involved in Season’s Beatings to make the recap all about US. So instead, we are going to put aside our nearly completed recap of Know Your Enemies and focus our attention on the just completed Season’s Beatings, if for no other reason than to demonstrate to Steve Royds that I can in fact complete one of these recaps in a timely fashion.

( Why you hero worship that guy, I have no idea. I will give you that he is impressively strong, and has a fair notion of how to pace his matches, but lord above... If you measured his IQ and his dick size, the dick size would have to be a bigger number. )
That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s stupid, OZ. I mean, have you seen him? He’s a MONSTER!
( Translation: Llakor is a pecker-checker. )
So much for the truce. Look, I don’t go out of my way to look, all right. But if you walk out in a monsoon and don’t notice that you’re getting wet, you’re just not paying attention.
( Fine. You MAY, and I emphasize MAY, even have a point. Let me make a note to find a way to insult Steve Royds without referring to his MASSIVE COCK. )
SIGH. And I thought that when we agreed to this truce that I could finish an IWS recap without ending up in the gutter. Silly me.
( OH! I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you wanted this recap to be BORING. Fine, have it your way. You be Tony Shit-for-brains, and I’ll be Bobby Heenan. )
WHAT? How come you get to be Bobby Heenan and I have to be Tony Schiavone?
( Be thankful I didn’t insist that you be Brian the Guppie. )
POINT.

Season’s Beatings 2K3 was held on a bitterly cold Saturday, January 11th, 2003 in Chomedey, Laval. For once, I was in time to catch the bus at Cote Vertu at 9:05. It dropped me off near Le Skratch at 9:17. I paid my $12, said hello to Meez, and searched the room for a seat. As it happened there were still good seats in the French Smarks section. At 9:27, the screen came down.

( WHAT! THE! FUCK!! The IWS starting on time? Heck, they are even three minutes early. What’s that about? )

They never really announced a starting time in the ads for the show. They may have intended to start at 9pm, in which case they were just under a half-hour late, well within acceptable CZW time. As always, the problem with watching from the French Smarks section is that you see all the words ass-backwards, but I am actually getting at good at reading promos in a mirror.
“IWS”
“2002 was a crazy year.”
“Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Tacks, Fire, Light Tubes”
“2003 Are You Ready MOTHER-FUCKERS?”
“IWS 2003”
And the video, which was showing various clips of IWS stars in between the words, grinds to a halt a 9:30. Clearly, they rehired Technical Difficulties despite the debacle at Tournament of the Icons.

( Either that or they shouldn’t have tempted fate by starting early. )

And we are back again, from the beginning.
“IWS”
“2002 was a crazy year.”
“Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Tacks, Fire, Light Tubes”
“2003 Are You Ready MOTHER-FUCKERS?”
“IWS 2003”
“Our gift to you the Fan”
“Our Hearts, Bodies, Minds and Souls”
“Witness the Madness”
“Be part of the Insanity”
“Victimizing the Fucking Industry”
During these on-screen promos, various spurts of random IWS violence appears, further driving home the point that, yes indeed, the wrestlers of the IWS are a bunch of twisted FUCKS. Otherwise, no particular story is advanced or explained by the promos except that of the Hardcore NINJAZ~. The sequence where the Yellow NINJA~ appears to be stooping down to help his partner and brother, Hardcore NINJA~#1, only to SNAP! and start destroying his brother, is a particularly great shot, especially because the part where it looks like the Yellow NINJA~ is helping his brother is in slow motion and then, as he starts stomping on him, the footage speeds up. Still it would be nice if all the storylines in the IWS got the kind of loving attention to detail in the IWS promos that the Hardcore NINJAZ~ just did.
At the end of the promo, the entire promo runs backwards from the end to the start, which is very cool...

( WHOA! What do you mean the Yellow NINJA~ attacked Hardcore NINJA~#1? I think we need to explain that in a hurry. )
Good point.

At Payback’s a Bitch, the previous IWS show, The Hardcore NINJAZ~defended their titles against Hi-5 in a Ladders, Chairs and Barb-Wire Tables match. At the climax of the match, the Yellow NINJA~ was trapped on a barb-wire table with the barb-wire pinning his outfit (and possibly bits of his flesh) to the table. His brother, his partner, Hardcore NINJA~#1 tried to climb the ladder to retrieve the belts, but just as he reached the top of the ladder, he was beaten down and Hi-5 succeeded in becoming IWS tag-team champions. At the conclusion of the match, the Yellow NINJA~ threw down his yellow belt and attacked Hardcore NINJA~#1, concluding his ambush with a power bomb into a barb-wired table.
One of the reasons that I had planned originally to do the Know Your Enemies recap first and follow it up with the Payback’s a Bitch recap was that I wanted to document the Hardcore NINJAZ~ winning the IWS tag team title belts, before documenting them losing the belts and splitting up.

( This is so sad. Hardcore NINJAZ~ we hardly knew ye.)

At 9:36 the screen goes up. A voice over the speakers announces, “2003 MOTHER-FUCKERS!! Welcome to Season’s Beatings. Le Skratch Are You READY? Here’s your host from Team 990’s Between the Ropes, Brian the Guppie.” Walking from the back is Brian the Shill, sadly, with a mike in his hand, “What is up Le Skratch? Make some noise! I can’t hear you! MAKE SOME NOISE! What is up Le Skratch? Are you ready for some hardcore wrestling IWS style? I said...”

( Lord above, is the poor, dumb bastard going to be repeating himself all night? )
Apparently.

“My name is Brian the Guppie, and I am now shilling like a bastard making Llakor’s eyes glaze over like a honey donut and causing him to scribble down a random question as to whether I was the result of a genetic experiment involving mutant gerbils. Also, I am the host of IWS Bloodstream TV broadcast free over the internet every Wednesday at 7 pm. Just go to www.syndicatewrestling.com. Are you ready for Season’s Beatings? What an amazing event we have for you. It’s been almost two months since we last had an IWS event. I need my IWS fix. But, if you need your IWS fix more frequently, wander down to visit my friend Emo of emax tapes and pick yourself the finest in independent wrestling tapes, including, of course, the IWS. Or just go on the internet to www.emaxwrestlingtapes.com and place your order.”
“Tonight, unbelieveable, one of our biggest main events ever, as Chomedey’s own Dru Onyx goes up against the Natural, Steve Royds with Onyx’s title shot hanging in the balance. As you all know, at our last show, Hi-5 became the IWS tag-team champions and the Hardcore NINJAZ~ perhaps the finest, most cohesive tag team in IWS history broke up. On IWS-TV this past Wednesday, we found out that Hardcore NINJA~#2 has a secret backer, who will reveal his identity tonight. Are you guys ready for your first match?”

( HEY! Commissioner Joe FitzMorris is out! QUICK! Grab the mike. OH THANK GOD! )

“I run this show! I am the Commissioner. I am your boss! I’ve been accused of being unfair to a certain member of our roster, a certain Dru Onyx. Even though he is a criminal, even though he was found at the last show with guns and drugs, still, I have decided, because I am a fair man, that if he beats Steve Royds tonight Onyx will keep his title shot against the Green Phantom. And because I am a fair man, I have banned Green Phantom from ringside, but because it is the holiday season, I have also decided to give Steve Royds a gift, a BIG GREEN GIFT that will be in that corner during the match.”

( OH MY GOD! Did he get Steve Royds his very own Abdullah the Butcher for Christmas? )

At 9:43 a new guy comes out. OH! It’s Righteous Rick Sterling, “I have been trying to get into the IWS for months! I have called you; I have faxed you; I have e-mailed you! And you haven’t even had the common courtesy to respond! So, I said to myself, ‘Self, I’ll just crash the party!’

( He talks to himself? How GHEY is that? )
REALLY.
Sadly, tragically, the Commissioner passes up his chance to steal the mike back, “My name is Righteous Rick Sterling, my clothes are dandy, I’m real eye candy, and I’m every woman’s wet dream.”
( Way to complete the rhyme, GENIUS! )
“It’s TIME for Righteous Rick Sterling to make his debut in the IWS, and what better way to mark the start of a new year, of a new era than with a Four Corners Clock Match?”
( CHRIST! I don’t know, by getting pissed drunk? )
“Each wrestler gets two clocks. If they break their two clocks on their opponents head, then they get to use the BIG CLOCK! So if there are any wrestlers in the back who have the time...”
Commissioner Joe FitzMorris takes the mike, “I’m a busy man. You say you want to do this - what did you call it? - Get the time match? Fine. If there is anyone in the back who has the TIME for this silly thing, they are more than welcome. Personally, *I* don’t have TIME for it.”
( You know, as bad ideas for matches go, this doesn’t hold a candle to the Al Wilson’s Corpse on a Pole match between Triple H wearing a Kane mask and the Real Kane that I have heard proposed, but that doesn’t mean that a Four Corners Clock Match is a great idea either. )

Just to clarify briefly, Righteous Rick Sterling has been posting on the IWS board for, since forever, agitating for a chance to get in the ring in the IWS and beat the shit out of Pat Hamilton. In the process, he has come across as a desperately whiny wanna-be. Mind you, that ties right into his heel persona, so maybe he’s really, really smart at getting himself over.
( I’m casting my vote for “desperate, whiny wanna-be.” I would also like to point out that, as far as I can tell, Righteous Rick Sterling is neither Righteous nor Sterling, and he doesn’t look like much of a Rick either. I mean can you see this guy in Casablanca? I don’t think so. He’s more like a “Phil” than a “Rick”. He’s like “Whiny Phil Rusted.” )
He does have great pants though.
( Those gold lame things with the zebra patterns? Those are... they are... oh, all right, yeah, they are good. )

Brian the Shill with the mike again, “Ladies and Gentlemen, from Glasgow, Scotland, Pat “The Highlander” Hamilton.” Pat dances around the ring. In my last recap, Pat was under the impression that I referred to him as “fat”. Nothing could be further from the case. There are any number of unflattering comments that I COULD make about Pat, but fat is not one of them. In any event, he’s dropped all that sympathetic pregnancy weight, so he looks great. One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to be nicer to Pat. After all, he is one of the better workers in the IWS. He’s totally unafraid to put the other guy over, and he writes to me.

( So no more referring to him as a SBS-Fer? )
NO.
( DAMN. )

Pat dances around the ring, waving his flag, Scottish on one side, Canadian on the other, finally handing off the flag to the Red Army and making a full circle of the ring. As Peanut waits for Pat to get ready, Pat climbs into the ring, and... TAKES HIS KILT OFF!!! Merciful God in Heaven, does the man never learn? Maybe the Scots lost at Culloden because they stopped half-way through the battle to remove their kilts?

( That would be a good argument for keeping the kilt on though. I think that there can be only one rational response to this outrage. )
*SIGH* You’re right of course. Shame to break that resolution barely two weeks into the new year. On three? One. Two. Three...
( PAT! You’re a SHORT, BALD, SHEEP-FUCKER! )
PAT! You’re a SHORT, BALD, SHEEP-FUCKER!
That feels good somehow, cleansing.

Bell rings at 9:48. Righteous Rick Sterling had been distributing clocks to all four corners. When the bell rings, he is about to put down the last clock, but rather than place it down, he keeps it, and a SWING and a MISS! Pat is too crafty for him, and Pat spin-kicks Sterling, knocking the clock away in the process. Sterling bounces back to his feet and gets levelled with a jumping clothesline. Pat kicks him to his knees with another spin kick and then kicks him in the gut.
Sterling recovers and plants Pat with a Jump Up Drop-Kick to gain control. He hauls Pat over with a suplex and then drops the leg. Sterling GOES FOR THE PIN? And Peanut has to explain to him the rules of his own match. Sterling puts Pat into a SWEET arm bar, and then elbows him in the back. Pat struggles up, so Sterling kicks him in the back of his legs, dropping Pat down to his knees. Sterling kicks Pat to the chest and then bounces off the ropes to NAIL Pat with a drop kick to the back of the head. Sterling scoops Pat up and slams him down, and then rolls him out of the ring. From the apron, Sterling drops a leg on Pat on the concrete below.

( The crowd starts a “Golden Zebra” chant, which for an IWS crowd is down right witty. )

Sterling is man-handling Pat on the outside, but it’s a little hard for me to tell, because they are on the opposite side of the ring from me. I can see a nice European Upper Cut by Sterling though, and while Pat is staggering, Sterling grabs a clock and it’s time for the first clock shot of the night.
Sterling makes a stroll around, in and out of the ring in triumph, before turning his attention back to Pat. I’ve no idea what happens next, but it sounds NASTY, and at the end of it, Pat is on his feet again. Busted open, mind you, but on his feet. Pat sets up some chairs, and then Irish Whips Sterling into the speaker platform. “How do you like that, you Righteous Bitch?” Pat suplexes Sterling into the chairs and Sterling lands in a sitting position, and OUCH! man that must hurt like hell. Pat has his own clock, and it’s time for his Clock Shot, and Sterling is busted open as well. Pat rolls Sterling in, and drags him to the ropes to suplex him off the second rope. They struggle and end up dragging each other up top where they fight for control. Pat wins and flips Sterling off. Sterling lands clutching his back and conceals one of the remaining two clocks behind his back. Pat wanders over and gets Clocked.

( Man, I don’t know who to cheer for here. On one hand, Pat is a short, bald, sheep-fucker. On the other hand, Sterling is, well, Sterling. )

Pat looks like he has a highway dividing line of blood running down his face. The crowd starts to chant “Get the Big One!” Sterling... and this may sound totally redundant, but Sterling, like an IDIOT, ignores them and scoops Pat up and slams him down. Sterling drops an elbow on a prone Pat and then climbs up top. Pat manages to lurch to the ropes, crotching Sterling in the process. Pat grabs the remaining clock and Sterling gets CLOCKED. Sterling ends up upside down in a Tree of Woe. Pat asks for a chair and the Two Mountains Mob are offering him seats before he even finishes asking. Pat props the chair over Sterling’s face, and baseball slides him. Pat, no dummy, grabs the Big Clock. While he is getting the clock, however, Sterling has time to recover, and as Pat gets back into the ring, Sterling kicks him to the gut and spin kicks him to the back of the head. The Big Clock is RIGHT THERE, but Sterling goes upstairs, like an IDIOT, and he gets BIG AIR... but... hits... nothing... but... mat.

( Is it possible that Rick Sterling speaks some obscure dialect of English where Righteous actually means, “I’m a TOOL, please kick me in the JUNK?” )

Pat has the Big Clock and like the needy baby face that he is, he looks for the crowd’s approval for using the Big Clock, “You want this?” Meanwhile, Peanut has moved to the still down Sterling, and he calls for help, without, I should point out, making the X symbol. The crowd starts a “Kill the Ref” chant, and Pat tries to brush past Peanut without much success. “Pat, he’s a human being. He’s really hurt.” While Pat dithers, Sterling has, of course, been looking for his chance and he grabs the Big Clock and shatters it over Pat’s head.
Righteous Rick Sterling wins the “Get the Time” match by breaking the Big Clock over Pat Hamilton’s head. Bell rings at 9:58. Time of match 9:55, which is to say 9 minutes, 55 seconds.

( WHOA! Like le WHOA! You were able to keep track of how many seconds that match lasted? How is that possible? )
Well, it is only appropriate that the “Get the Time” match should be the first IWS match that I got to use my Christmas Gift on. For behold the STOP-WATCH! A spectacle of timing and accuracy!
( Good Grief! Like you needed to be encouraged to be anal-retentive? )

Righteous Rick Sterling wipes the blood off his face and spreads it on Pat’s chest like he was marking his territory, which is by far the coolest thing that the man has done since hitting the ring, if not the ONLY cool thing that he has done since hitting the ring. Sterling leaves for the back in triumph. Brian the Guppie comes back out at 10:00 with the mike, “Can we get some help? Let’s give a big round of applause for Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton. Look at all this blood. Let’s give a big round of applause for both men.” Pat is helped to the back. His forehead looks like he has a big red zipper running down the center of his face and it is about to split right down the middle.

Two things about that match. First of all, I am not a big fan of “worked” injuries.
( WHOA! Slugger, I seem to recall you chortling in glee over all that stuff with Angle and his crutch. )
That’s not the same thing at all. I have no problem with angles where a wrestler pretends to get injured, so that he can have some time off. The work in this case is a reflection of reality. The wrestler WILL be gone for a certain period of time. I also don’t mind the angles where a wrestler comes to the ring claiming to be injured, and uses his crutch against his opponent. The audience is in on the joke then, and they know that the wrestler is not really injured. BUT, I really, really, really, hate angles where a wrestler pretends to get injured in the middle of the match, solely for the purpose of cheating to win. There are so many ways to cheat to win, that I hate it when wrestlers use this one. Not only is it unimaginative, but it desensitizes the audience to REAL injuries in the ring. Every time you give people the fake injury, you make it a little bit harder for them to see the real injury, and a little bit harder for them to care about the real injury.
( I still think that you are comparing Mackintoshes to Granny Smiths, but okay. What was the other thing that you hated about this match? No, wait, let me.
Righteous Rick Sterling has been begging for a spot in the IWS for months. He has been threatening Pat Hamilton for close to a year. And what does he do when he gets here? He has a feud blow-off match in his very first match. Now let’s leave aside for the moment that having a feud with someone because you both hit people with clocks has got to be the silliest reason for a feud this side of Jericho spilling hot coffee on Kane. Even if a clock hitting gimmick infringement feud was a good idea, you don’t start the feud with a clock match, that’s how you END the feud.
Sterling is EXACTLY like a high school virgin who has spent his entire high school career trying to get into the panties of the head cheerleader, and on the night of the Senior Prom, he finally gets her stoned enough to take her to a motel, and when he gets her there, he shoots his load before he even gets her clothes off, or his own clothes off for that matter.
If you’re reading Sterling, PAY ATTENTION! If you want us to give a SHIT about you as a wrestler, as a character, FOREPLAY FIRST!
)
Well, I was going to say something similar, but without all of the homo-erotic references.
( What the hell is home-erotic when it’s home? What are you trying to say? )
Oh, nothing, just that you and Sterling make a lovely couple.
(WHAT!? FUCK YOU Jushin Thunder Liger!)


(edited by Llakor on 26.1.03 2229)
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The Great and Mighty OZ
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#2 Posted on 26.1.03 1655.33
Reposted on: 26.1.10 1658.40
Llakor Broadcast System

Sunday, January 26th, 2003

LBS#11: Season's Beatings 2003

Part Two

In the ring, the Broom Boys are sweeping blood and clock parts out of the ring to the shouted encouragements of the crowd, “Sweep bitch! Hurry Hard! Broom Boy!” Oddly, I’m not the one yelling, “Hurry Hard!” Brian the Shill spends some time encouraging the Broom Boys in their efforts, “Let’s give a big hand to the Broom Boys! Broom Boy#1 everybody! He’s not Broom Boy #1? You’re Broom Boy#1? No, he’s not? Who is Broom Boy#1? Never Mind. Let’s give a big hand for the Broom Boys! OK, get out of the ring.”
The screen comes down at 10:01. “The Hardcore NINJAZ~, the most talented, the most cohesive unit in IWS history... DONE! We thought that we would mark the occasion by showing you a tribute video of the Hardcore NINJAZ~ greatest moments.”
The video begins with the word “SIC” repeated three times on the screen in between various clips of the NINJAZ~ in happier days. Then the video screeches to a halt, and the crowd groans as Technical Difficulties interferes again...BUT then a Hi-5 promo reel starts up promoting the IWS tag-team champs, “YOUR WESTMOUNT TAG CHAMPS” and it becomes obvious that the ‘failure’ of the NINJAZ~ promo video was on purpose.

( You have to love it how when something goes wrong in the IWS, like the video not working before the show started, it’s almost like it was planned that way all along. )
You mean like they fore-shadowed the failure of the NINJA~ promo video?

Coming to the ring are Hi-5 wearing brand-spanking new green boxing robes, which are very, very cool. Kamikaze Kid grabs the mike from Brian the Shill, “These troglodytes didn’t come here to see the Soft-Core NINJAZ~! They came here to see Hi-5!” Beef, to the relief of the crowd, grabs the mike before Kamikaze Kid hurts himself with it, and he addresses Brian the Shill “Stand back Todd Pettingill, I’ll show you how to properly introduce a team.” Brian doesn’t take kindly to the (W)WWF reference, “That’s uncalled for, I’m trying to talk here.” Beef wrestles the mike back and pushes off Brian the Shill, “Back off Sean Mooney. The NINJAZ~ WERE the most cohesive team in the IWS, but Hi-5 single-handedly broke up your precious NINJAZ~! I think we deserve a round of applause for that. The only problem is that now that we have broken up the NINJAZ~, there is no-one left in the IWS who can compete with us. We tried to get the greatest tag-team in Ontario for tonight, but Evilyscious were busy. By the way, speaking of the greatest, during the holidays, my tag team partner Kamikaze Kid, he’s grown the finest moustache in professional wrestling. Isn’t it great? We found a guy hanging around the back to wrestle against us for the belts, but he needs a partner. There has to be someone in the audience who can be his partner. Who can we pick? You’re drunk; you’re an idiot; you’re drunk AND an idiot; you’re short; you’re fat; you’re ugly...”
The crowd starts chanting, “Zero, Zero, Zero” indicating the man, well boy, who won the Rumble match at Tournament of the Icons. “Yes, I know you’re all zeros. Who is Zero? He is nothing. Oh, there you are. You’re a wrestler. Can we get some theme music?” Disco music plays which I couldn’t identify, but Beef later e-mailed me to say was “Get Down” by B4-4. “I like that, but that won’t do.” We get something a little more up-tempo, which I also don’t recognize, but, again by e-mail, Beef says that it was “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. “No. No. This is a tough guy, look at him. We need some hardcore music. Surely, up in the booth you have some music that is as hardcore as this guy.” New music starts and this music I recognize, God how could I not...

Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go


When I was 19 and taking a second unsuccessful stab at University, I got a job in a new video store that was opening in Halifax on Quinpool street.

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone


The store was huge and very popular. To this day, I’ve never been in a video store as busy as that place got.

Headin' into twilight
Spreadin' out her wings tonight
She got jumpin' off the track
And shovin' into overdrive


I started out as a clerk, but I was quickly promoted to Shift Supervisor, which was code for “the guy we leave in charge of the store on Friday and Saturday nights, because God forbid that the owners should be there when the store is busy.”

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone


I ended up supervising a lot of high school girls. Now since you never wanted to be short staff in that store and you wanted your staff to be happy so that the lines were always moving quickly, I quickly learned that the key to managing high school girls is letting them do pretty much whatever they want, as long as it gets the job done and keeps the customer happy.

You'll never say hello to you
Until you get it on the red line overload
You'll never know what you can do
Until you get it up as high as you can go


One of the little rituals forced on me by these little angels was that every Friday and Saturday night at 8pm, I had to put on Top Gun to play in the store.

Out along the edges
Always where I burn to be
The further on the edge
The hotter the intensity


I didn’t have to play the entire movie, thank god, I only had to play it up to the point where Tom Cruise took his shirt off and took a shower.

Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone


The girls, heck all of the women in the store, and more frightening still, some of the men, would all *SIGH* simultaneously and then go back to work. After that, I could play whatever I wanted.

( That’s a touching autobiographical moment really. Can I ask you one little, teeny, tiny question? )
Sure.
( Top Gun and it’s theme music “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins made a huge impression on you?)
Scarred me for life.
( Then why on Earth is it marked in your notes: Beverly Hills Cop music? )
I plead the Fifth.

Zero has come to the ring wearing street clothes. A big guy comes with him, and when Beef sees him, he blows a gasket, “WHOA! We said Zero could come. That’s Irish Mike Luger, we want no part of Irish Mike Luger. Security escort Irish Mike Luger out of here. Broom Boys! YOU escort Irish Mike Luger out of here!”

( Let me just say that the two scrawny little Broom Boys escorting Irish Mike Luger to the back is the FUNNIEST THING EVAH! )
Absolutely.

“Now let’s bring out his tag team partner, a guy we found wandering around the back. I hope we’ve got some good music picked out for him in the booth. Ladies and Gentlemen... WAILING JIMMY HANDJOB!!” He comes out to Obsession by Animotion, which, as Beef pointed out to me afterwards, was the Saturday Night’s Main Event song as well as the Fashion Files theme.

( OH! MY! GOD! I can’t believe that Wailing Jimmy Handjob is here. Like Righteous Rick Sterling, Wailing Jimmy Handjob posts on the IWS message board. Unlike Sterling, Jimmy doesn’t spend all his time going, “I’m a wrestler, and I would so love to wrestle in the IWS, please call me Manny, PUH-LEEEZE!!” In fact, I don’t remember him ever saying that he was a wrestler or that he wanted to wrestle in the IWS, so when he does show up instead of the internet crowd going, “OH NO it’s Righteous Rick Sterling. Who let him in?” the internet crowd went, “OH MY GOD! Wailing Jimmy Handjob! I can’t believe that he’s here!!” Right? )
OH! MY! GOD! Wailing Jimmy Handjob! I can’t believe that he’s here!!
( Case in point. )
Did you say something? Don’t answer.

Kamikaze Kid is wearing a blue shirt, blue and black pants and blue boots. Beef Wellington is wearing a blue shirt, 101 Dalmatians pants and black boots. Wailing Jimmy Handjob is wearing a black shirt, blue and silver pants with silver barb wire, silver boots, and in a PERFECT touch, a wooden bead necklace. Somehow a wooden bead necklace just screams ‘Wailing Jimmy Handjob.’

( GREAT. Now that the fashion show is over, can we get to the match please? )

Bell rings at 10:11. Beef and Wailing Jimmy Handjob start. They trade go behinds with Beef winning the battle. Beef cinches in a head lock and wrenches on it. He executes a fancy go around and has Jimmy spinning in circles, but Jimmy manages to grab Beef’s head, apply a side head lock and take Beef down. Beef reverses the side head lock and gets Jimmy in a scissors hold. Both men seperate and Wailing Jimmy Handjob offers his hand in respect to the IWS tag-team champion Beef Wellington, so Beef SLAPS HIM! HAHAHAHAHA! God, Beef is Awesome. As Wailing Jimmy Handjob reels, Beef elbows him in the head, knocking Jimmy down. Beef goes down to do push-ups and does one and... he collapses, but insists, “That counts as two! I did two full ones!” And far be it for me to argue with the tag team champ.
Zero and Kamikaze Kid both tag in. Zero gets revenge for his partner by slapping Kid in the mouth, but that just brings out Kamikaze Kid’s mean streak. VICIOUS take down by Kamikaze Kid, and as Zero staggers back to his feet, Kid kickifys him once and twice into the corner, where Kid charges him and clothes lines him. Beef applauds his partner, declaring, “That’s how you treat a jobber!” Zero lurches out of the corner and Kid’s side kick and a cover gets one and two and no. Kamikaze Kid tags in Beef Wellington, and the Kid holds Zero while Beef goes up top and motions for some twirling... and drops the ax-handle! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But Beef is not just high flying derring do, he is also a finely grounded technical wrestler, as his NICE suplex on Zero demonstrates. Beef’s arrogant cover gets one, but the crowd yells, “TWO!” anyway, on, I guess, the same principle as Beef counting two on his push-up earlier. Beef does this double-underhook slam thingy and covers for One and Two and no. Beef slaps on the abdominal stretch and crows about to the crowd. He tags in Kamikaze Kid, and both members of Hi-5 run the ropes leaving Zero reeling in the centre of the ring, until both members of Hi-5 drop kick him to the head.

( OUCH! That’ll leave a mark. )
I believe that the line is “Excedrin Headache Number Nine!”

Kid covers for One and Two and No. Zero gets back to his feet, and he wants to turn this into a brawl, so Kid levels him with a greco-roman eye-poke. Zero, blind, is easy pickings for Kid, and Kid covers for One and Two and No! Kid is frustrated at his inability to put away Zero, and he is distracted long enough for Zero to grab Kid for a BIG Body Slam. Zero clutches his back, but he is able to tag in Wailing Jimmy Hand Job. Kamizake Kid retreats to his corner and tags in his partner, Beef Wellington.
Beef and Wailing Jimmy Handjob circle each other and Beef SLAPS him again! Beef grabs Jimmy and throws him straight up in the air so that Jimmy comes straight down into Beef’s low blow. Beef power bombs Jimmy and covers for ONE and TWO and NO! Kamikaze Kid tags himself in and he tries to suplex Jimmy over. Jimmy blocks, so Kid punches him again, and Kid tries to suplex him again, but Jimmy blocks again, so Kid runs him into a corner. They do some comedy stuff which left such a deep impression on me, that I have it recorded as “Kid and Jimmy do some comedy stuff.” At the end of the making with the funny Ha-Ha, Jimmy ends up top, so Kid does a verra verra nice Angle run-up suplex and the cover for ONE! and TWO! and NO! And that was VERRA VERRA NICE.
Beef tags in and he goes up top for the LETHAL double axe handle from the top rope, but Jimmy catches him on the way down and suplexes him over. While Beef tries to get his bearings, Jimmy knocks him down with a Russian Leg Sweep and rolls right through it towards his corner. Jimmy gets up, steps on Beef’s back and makes the tag to Zero, who lays Beef out with a back breaker. Kamikaze Kid runs in to save his partner, but he is cut off by Wailing Jimmy Handjob with a dropkick to the head. Zero covers Beef and he gets one and two and no. Zero matches Jimmy’s catch suplex with one of his own, and when Beef lands there is a weird clangy noise. As the audience chants, “You broke the ring!” Zero covers Beef for One and Two and No!

( I think that someone needs to explain to Zero and Wailing Jimmy Handjob the definition of jobber. )
Seriously.

Zero tries to finish Beef off with a kick, but Beef catches his foot and rather than risk the enziguri, Beef dumps Zero on his head right away. As Wailing Jimmy Handjob runs in to save his partner, Beef decides to dump the WWF Superstars offence in favour of a fancy suplex type thingy on Zero. Kamikaze Kid is also in and he squares off with Wailing Jimmy Handjob as Beef Wellington faces off against Zero. Beef gets beat down, so both of the “jobbers” turn on Kamikaze Kid, Wailing Jimmy Handjob finishing him off with a fireman carry roll thru move that is SWEET and the cover for ONE and TWO and NO! Beef gets back up, wailing, “You are a jobber!” Wailing Jimmy Handjob, taking offence, hits Beef with a Death Valley Driver and the cover for ONE! and TWO! and JOHNNY ACE! Zero gets a table and rolls Beef on it, as his partner climbs up top. BUT Kamikaze Kid is back up and he crotches Wailing Jimmy Handjob while Zero is fussing with the table. Kamikaze Kid charges across the ring and catches Zero by surprise from behind for the roll-up and ONE! and TWO! and THREE! Hi-5 retain! (12:40)

( WHEW! That was waaaaay too close for comfort. These jobbers are having delusions of grandeur. )

Hi-5 obviously agree because they are busy laying down a beatdown on Zero and Wailing Jimmy Handjob. Irish Mike Luger runs in from the back to lend a hand, but, before he can do much, a BIG guy with orange hair and pants with ‘Lauderdale’ written down the sides comes in right behind him and he grabs Irish Mike Luger and slams him down to the mat. I quickly assume that the big guy is Hi-5’s ‘insurance policy’ and I sit back to await developments. Irish Mike Luger is giving the old-fashioned twitch sell, as ‘Lauderdale’ suplexes Wailing Jimmy Handjob onto Irish Mike Luger’s ankles. I frown over that a little bit, because with Irish Mike Luger’s ankles crossed that way, ‘Lauderdale’ could have quite easily broken Irish Mike Luger’s ankles. Mind you, that’s more Irish Mike Luger’s fault, because crossing your feet like that in the ring is a damn fool thing to do, not to mention drawing your hands into your chest like claws is over-selling the twitch sell just a bit, and frothing at the mouth is a just a little over the top, and why is Ruffneck making the X symbol? OH SHIT!

( This would be the point in the match where, quite literally, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! ‘Lauderdale’ had his back to Irish Mike Luger, so he had no idea what was going on when he threw Zero to the mat right beside the prone Irish Mike Luger. He then did some foot stomping of Irish Mike Luger which was WAAAY too much, but I can understand it on the basis that his first instinct was probably to give the crowd a reason for Irish Mike Luger being injured. Either that or he didn’t realize how serious it was. )

Brian the Guppie is out with a mike to let those who haven’t clued in yet, that this is NOT in fact part of the show, “Kill the music. This is serious. Call an ambulance. This is not part of the show.” Then away from the mike to Ruffneck outside of the ring, “Call a Fucking Ambulance!” Manny is in the ring along with a girl with orange pants and frizzy hair. I’m thinking to myself that the move that led up to this seemed perfectly innocent, and in fact I am sort of kicking myself for not writing down exactly what the move was. Dru Onyx is out at this point to clear non-essential people out of the ring and tell people, “Don’t crowd him.” This message delivered, Onyx heads to the back himself, which is probably just as well, because Dru Onyx is a little like a One Man Crowd. Onyx heads to the back around 10:28, which is about when I snap out of my stun and start taking real notes.
Brian asks for the crowd’s patience, “Please try to bear with us. Obviously, there will be a break before we restart the show.” What I think are two female paramedics show up at 10:32. By this point, Irish Mike Luger seems relaxed. His legs are no longer crossed, and he is patting his hands on his chest. Too many people are standing around the ring for me to see much, so I get up and go over to talk to the Red Army. It’s not much of a conversation, “This is some Fucked-Up SHIT.” “Yeah” The Red Army General makes some crack about how he worries about this sort-of thing happening all the time at IWS shows.

( Christ, RAG is SUCH a weenie. )

I try, unsuccessfully, not to roll my eyes with disgust as I point out that both of us have seen much more dangerous bumps at IWS events. We both reference Green Phantom dropping Arsenal on his head at the Fringe when the table collapsed under them. I point out that this bump was a very simple one, and still searching my memory for what the move was exactly, I call it an overhead hip toss, which makes no damn sense, really. Abandoning the Red Army as not being a good place to have an intelligent conversation, I head back to my seat. I spot Manny near the wrestler’s entrance, and go over to talk to him, but he pretty much cuts me dead, and quite rightly too, so I retreat back to my seat.
I’m still trying to figure out if the two uniformed women in the ring are paramedics or cops, as one of the French Smarks comes back to his seat and says in obvious relief, “Il bouge ces bras.” At 10:37, the REAL paramedics are in. They check Irish Mike Luger over, and I realize that everything is going to be OK when they stop paying attention to Irish Mike Luger and start filling out paperwork, because even French Quebecois aren’t pricks enough to stop and fill out paperwork when some poor dumb kid has just doomed himself to sucking his meals out of a straw while strapped to a wheelchair for life.
Irish Mike Luger, to the cheers and obvious relief of the crowd, gets up and leaves the ring at 10:43. Brian the Guppie, also visibly relieved, declares, “He’s OKAY! He just has a concussion. Someone get that man a BEER! Give it up for Irish Mike Luger!”

( Just a second. Brian, YOU DUMB FUCK, did you just suggest that a man who just suffered a concussion should have a beer? Where did you get your medical degree, MORON? Mengele University? )
Not that either of us are medical experts or anything. We don’t even play doctors on TV.
( At least I know better than to suggest that someone who just scrambled his brains should rattle them any further by adding alcohol to the mix. )
Point.

Meanwhile, after the match over on the IWS’ OLD message board, someone posted the following:
ok
lemme clear things up a little from a wrestlers point of view.
Irish Mike luger and zero are fully trained wrestlers.
They have also wrestled several other times.
Kurt Lauderdale(big orange guy) is a very very well trained wrestler.
He was the guy that pinned jauque rougeau to win the LI2000 tag belts.
He left LI2000 to come to the IWS because he loves the IWS atmosphere.
He hit one of his moves on Luger. A move which he nailed 5 guys with at the IWS training school including Zero just so he could be sure everyone new it was safe. and as you can the move was a simple back bump.
Luger took it and got winded . The kid was nervous. He held on a little and didnt tuck his head properly. As some of you know performing in front of the smartest and greatest fans in the Canadian indy scene can make you very nervous.
When Kurt went to suplex Jimmy right after you could see Beef repeatedley yelling and even pushing Mike to roll over. Thats the only reason Kurt hit that move. There was 6 people in the ring guys. And when theres 6 people in the ring its hard to find positioning. He suplexed him thinking Mike got out of the way. He got hit and started twitiching. Why because when ur down dazed and dont really know whats going on and then someone lands on you. You start to panic. Especially if your a rookie. As you can see when Manny got in the ring he knew it was a simple concussion and didnt panic. He also was very smart and had an ambulance called just in case. and in the end Mike was fine. A little lightheaded but fine. He got bruised in the face from so many people in the ring and accidenatlly getting a foot bumped in his face. But in the end he was fine and thats whats important. Tahnk God he didnt get very very hurt.
This is wrestling and these things happen. And after 4 years of IWS this is the first time anything like that has happened in the ring.
So in the end Thank god he was OK .

IWS wrestler
- Sunday, January 12, 2003 at 13:31:07 (EST)


The only thing that I would add to that informative post is that from what I saw, Irish Mike Luger sustained the injury right away. The bodies falling on him and near him may have scared the piss out of him, but I saw him clench up as soon as he landed from Kurt Lauderdale’s initial move. I just mistakenly thought he was selling the effect of the move really, really well. The move itself, by the way, was later run on the IWS site as the Move of the Week and identified as a fireman’s carry spine buster.

Irish Mike Luger receives a concussion at the hands of Kurt Lauderdale.


(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 26.1.03 2222)
Llakor
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#3 Posted on 26.1.03 1658.48
Reposted on: 26.1.10 1659.01
Llakor Broadcast System

Sunday, January 26th, 2003

LBS#11: Season's Beatings 2003

Part Three

At 10:45, the screen comes down. Brian the Shill starts shilling a store called, “Ripping Hammer, for all your biking needs,” and taunts us with Ripping Hammer T-Shirts to get some shouting going. The crowd to my left starts an “Irish Mike” chant. After throwing out the shirt, Brian the Shill gets down to business, “My partner, Peter LaSalle took it upon himself to book a match.”
A clip from IWS-TV runs. Hardcore NINJA~#1 aka White NINJA~#1 is sitting cross-legged in front of a wall with the Japanese flag draped in front of him. El Generico runs into the room, accidentally steps on the flag and as the White NINJA~#1 gets to his feet, El Generico does this thing that I thought only cats could do, by going from on top of the flag to the other side of the room in one motion, without his feet touching the floor in between. El Generico apologizes in Spanish and then cuts a WILD promo in Spanish where he basically says that White NINJA~#1 is a cool dude but NINJA~ Negro numero Dos is one twisted EVIL FUCK. At this point Peter LaSalle barges in on them and he not only steps on the Japanese flag, he balls it up in a bundle and does the Edge ring hump on it. While El Generico saves Peter LaSalle’s life by holding back White NINJA~#1, Peter LaSalle rants and raves about East vs. West, Spain vs. Mexico vs. Japan, finally announcing that at Season’s Beatings El Generico will face Hardcore NINJA~#1.

( We should probably explain that Peter LaSalle is the heel partner to Brian the Guppie on IWS-TV and on the commentary of IWS tapes or DVDs. Peter LaSalle, who calls himself the Renaissance Man, is like ummm...)
A taller, fatter, more annoying, less talented Jimmy Hart?
( No, that’s not it... )
A thinner Mark Madden?
( NO! Definitely not. )
Jimmy Polo with Hollywood Hulk Hogan’s fashion sense?
( Now you’re just being silly. Mind you, I sometimes think that LaSalle would wear sunglasses and a boa to his own wedding. )
I’m sure that he would pick out a formal boa to go with the tuxedo.

Peanut is out to ref as Brian the Shill introduces, “from Fabertown, Japan, weighing in at 166 pounds, Hardcore NINJA~#1,” who enters wearing white and draping a Japanese flag behind him. The screen comes back down at 10:50, much to Brian the Shill’s confusion, “What the hell is this?” This would apparently be the chest of a really hairy guy who is doing his best Randy Savage voice, only he’s also talking as fast as James E. Cornette, which is a neat trick. “I said that tonight I would reveal the Hardcore NINJA~#2’s mystery backer. And the mystery backer is... ME! IRON! MIKE! PATTERSON! And with the Hardcore NINJA~#2, with the Evil NINJA~#2, the man who will be the next IWS heavyweight champion. He will have gold around his waist, oh yes he will, because I am the greatest manager in IWS history, and Evil NINJA~#2 will beat everyone standing in his way with me in his corner and win the IWS heavyweight championship, so that we can have the gold, yes he will.” Iron Mike Patterson pauses to breathe and then turns to Evil NINJA~#2 and asks in a normal voice, “You want a sandwhich? Let’s go.”

( I think that it’s only fair to point out that normally when you transcribe IWS promos, you get about two words out of three and you try to fill in the gaps from memory. With Iron Mike Patterson, from what I could tell, you wrote down about one word in ten. So you’re really just guessing at what he said. )
Sure, blow my cover. Actually even with an audio-tape of Iron Mike Patterson’s promo, I would still just be guessing at what he said. He talks that fast.
Meanwhile, in the ring, Iron Mike Patterson and the Evil NINJA~#2 are live and in person. Mike has a chair and a plastic sword. The Evil NINJA~#2 has a chair. While Iron Mike Patterson screams, “You are nothing NINJA~#1! You are the reason we lost the tag team titles! We will destroy you!” Evil NINJA~#2 is busy beating down his brother with the chair. Evil NINJA~ then props the chair around White NINJA~#1’s leg and goes up top to Pillmanize the leg from the top. While Iron Mike Patterson and Evil NINJA~#2 celebrate, the White NINJA~#1 is being helped to the back. Iron Mike Patterson is ranting again, “You wanted to see a match between Japanese style and Mexican waste of time lucha sucky wrestling? You wanted to see NINJA~ against Waste of space-o, Out-of-Work-o, I was banging his Mama-cito, all night long oh, back in the barrio, El Generico!” Iron Mike Patterson shatters his plastic sword swinging it around, and Brian the Shill takes advantage of his momentary lack of composure to confiscate the mike, “Also weighing in at 166 pounds, also from Fabertown, Japan, Hardcore NINJA~#2. His opponent from Tijuana, Mexico, weighing in at 152 pounds, El Generico.”

( Is it just me or when they split up did the Hardcore NINJAZ~ lose an awful lot of weight? Together they weighed 666 pounds. Seperately, they weigh 166 pounds times two equals 332 pounds. So, when they split up the NINJAZ~ lost 334 pounds? Man, I want the rights to market their diet plan. )

OLE! Generico is circling the ring. He has OLE! written on his chest with a magic marker. OLE! Generico gets in the ring and the Evil NINJA~#2 pushes him so OLE! pushes back and Evil NINJA~#2 pushes him again, and they finally lock up. They break and some running leads to a nice leapfrog by OLE! Generico, who tries it again and gets caught and flipped by the Evil NINJA~#2. More running around eventually leads to an Evil NINJA~#2 elbow to OLE!s head, and OLE! is down on one knee as Evil NINJA~#2 makes the universal symbol for “Just Bring It!” And OLE! has this look like “Consider it BRUNG!” as he moves in, locks up and grabs the Evil NINJA~#2’s arm for an arm drag take down, followed by a Jumping Arm Drag Take down, succeeded by a FLIPPING ARM DRAG TAKE DOWN, and WE’RE NOT DONE! as OLE! pulls out a SWANKY! run around ARM! DRAG! TAKE! DOWN!

( I don’t usually join you in the love for the working of the arm, but that was pretty damn cool. Old School, Nu School, and Back From the Future School all built on a very simple move and progressing up the ladder from simple to Rube Goldberg complicated. )

The Evil NINJA~#2 is not impressed by all this chain wrestling bull stuff, so he starts unloading with the kickery. He eventually takes OLE! down with a kick to the ankle and follows it up with an elbow drop to the ankle. OLE! hobbles back up and he goes up for a body press that gets one and no. Not to be out-done, Evil NINJA~#2 goes up top for his own body press that gets one and no. As both men get back up, Evil NINJA~#2 kicks OLE! in the throat and covers for one and two and no! OLE! struggles back to vertical base, and the Evil NINJA~#2 grabs his head for a running, bouncing, HOLY SHIT! TORNADO DDT! but both men are down after that. The Evil NINJA~#2 recovers first and he slips on a variation on a figure four, working on the ankle.

( Wait a minute? Hold the phone! Is there like psychology going on here? )

OLE! is able to use his longer reach to slap his way out of the submission hold, and while the Evil NINJA~#2 distracts the ref, Iron Mike Patterson attacks OLE! who rolls to the outside to kill himself one fast-talking comedian. The Evil NINJA~#2 throws a chair at OLE! to save his manager and he is outside as well, and in a touching moment the two psychotic sonsabitches hug. OLE! breaks it up and he kicks Evil NINJA~#2 to the chest and chair shots him in the head. Run like the wind, MIKE! Run like the wind! OLE! rolls Evil NINJA~#2 into the ring and he does this elaborate flippy nonsense, but before we can figure out exactly what OLE! is planning, the Evil NINJA~#2 makes it all moot by hitting OLE! with a chair and OLE! drops like a rock. Evil NINJA~#2 drops a leg from the top rope, but rather than covering, he rolls outside to consult with his manager. Strategy time gives OLE! Generico time to recover.

( Presumably Iron Mike Patterson’s brilliant strategic advice was to ask, “Why the hell didn’t you cover him?” )

The Evil NINJA~#2 rolls back in and throws OLE! to the corner. The Evil NINJA~#2 body slams OLE! on to a chair and covers for One and Two and No. OLE! Generico recovers and drop kicks the Evil NINJA~#2 stunning him. OLE! jumps to the top rope and DOUBLE FOOT STOMP to the back! Vicious and Unfriendly. I like it. BUT... before OLE! can take advantage, Iron Mike Patterson grabs his leg. Peanut confronts him and Iron Mike Patterson plays dumb, “I didn’t do anything. I NEVER TOUCHED HIM!”

( I could get used to Iron Mike Patterson as a manager. As a heel announcer he’s good, but as Macho Man Jim Cornette, wrestling manager, he’s FREAKING AWESOME. )

OLE! Generico scoops and slams the Evil NINJA~#2, and goes up top. He signals a spin, but, unlike Beef Wellington earlier in the match, he does spin out a PRETTY OH SO PRETTY SWANK 450 that gets NOTHING... BUT... MAT!!! Both men end up facing each other on their knees and a woman’s match slap-a-thon breaks out. Iron MIke Patterson, fearing, perhaps, that his wrestler’s credibility as a champion will be shot all to hell if he loses a bitch slapping contest, charges in and punches OLE! Generico. Peanut is not impressed, but Iron Mike Patterson quickly denies responsibility, “I didn’t do it! It wasn’t me!” While this is going on, both OLE! Generico and Evil NINJA~#2 are outside and a kickifying contest erupts won by OLE! The two men disappear into the Two Mountains Mob, and I can’t see a damn thing. There is a vigourous OLE! chant going on though, so he must be doing well.

( OH! MY! GOD! I see OLE! Generico! )

HOLY CRAP ON A STICK! When I described the Le Skratch ‘arena’ one of the things that I left out was the gambling machines in the left corner of the room, partly because the damn things are so damn ubiquitous that you only notice them in Québec when you walk into a bar and there aren’t any. There’s about four or five of them isolated in a corner of the room, and completing their isolation is the plexiglass canopy/roof above them. It was exactly this roof that OLE! Generico suddenly appeared on.

( That boy has no sense! )

He does a no-hands somersault off the roof, and I have no idea what happened when he landed, but I didn’t need to see him land to know that that was FUCKING AWESOME. OLE! shows back up at ringside and sets up a table at ringside. He hits Evil NINJA~#2 with a chair and rolls him onto the table. OLE! gets up on the apron, and things look bleak for Evil NINJA~#2, when Iron Mike Patterson runs up and starts BITING OLE! on the leg. This gives Evil NINJA~#2 time to recover and get off the table.

( All we need now is for Iron MIke Patterson to show up on IWS-TV next week and claim that he never bit him, and at the same time complain that he’s had the runs ever since. )

Evil NINJA~#2 is setting up the table in the ring. Peanut is in the ring, while Ruffneck has come out of the back to try and control Iron Mike Patterson. Evil NINJA~#2 rolls OLE! Generico onto the table and goes up top, but OLE! recovers quickly and he goes up top as well. OLE! tries for the superplex, blocked by Evil NINJA~#2, and, and, and NECK DEATH! NECK DEATH! NECK DEATH! They killify each other onto and through the collapsing table. Both men are down, but Evil NINJA~#2 is on top of the heap and he rolls over for the cover which gets ONE and TWO and NO! OLE! is out on his feet as Evil NINJA~#2 muscles him over with a NICE Suplex variation with an arrogant cover that gets ONE! and TWO! and NO!! VICIOUS suplex by Evil NINJA~#2 and OLE! bounces up and Flair Flops back down. A real cover this time for ONE! and TWO! and JOHNNY ACE!!! Evil NINJA~#2 gets in Peanut’s face a little and Iron Mike Patterson on the outside is in shock. OLE! who shouldn’t even be able to walk anymore at this point, is back up and he slaps Evil NINJA~#2 in the back and then picks him for... I’ve no idea what that was... some kind of Death Valley Driver variation, and the cover for one and two and no. OLE! scoops and slams Evil NINJA~#2, and he lands his bouncy bouncy Asai moon-sault for the cover and One and Two and No. Both men break off and Evil NINJA~#2 takes advantage to kick OLE! in the head.

( Why is the crowd chanting SnakeEyes? )
Because White NINJA~#1 is back out... and he pulls Iron Mike Patterson into Evil NINJA~#2 for a meeting of the minds! OLE! reacts quickly, rolling up Evil NINJA~#2 for ONE and TWO and NO! Evil NINJA~#2 is not pleased at OLE! Generico’s opportunism, and he expresses his displeasure with a NASTY pile driver variation, but he DOES NOT COVER! White NINJA~#1 hits Evil NINJA~#2 with a light tube and OLE! takes quick advantage for the small package which gets ONE! and TWO! and THREE! OLE! Generico flukes out another win, the pin coming at 11:22.

( Eleven minutes? The match seemed longer. )
The match was about twenty minutes.
( ABOUT? What about your stop watch? What about your spectacle of timing and accuracy? )
Well, what with all the excitement in the last match, and Iron Mike Patterson and Evil NINJA~#2 running in and all, I forgot to turn it on.
( This would qualify as one of those “The Operator is a Freaking Moron” technical service problems, wouldn’t it? )
Yes, it would. HEY! Wait a minute!

White NINJA~#1 has a chair, but Iron Mike Patterson steals it and he hits White NINJA~#1 in the gut with it, then he hits him in the head, and then... Evil NINJA~#2 comes over for a MASSIVE light tube shot. In fact, the shot is so massive that shards fly all over the crowd, one fragment bouncing off my wrist and getting embedded in my note book. Iron Mike Patterson shows no mercy screaming, “Finish him!” Evil NINJA~#2 picks up his brother to screams from the crowd of, “Storm Shadow! NO! He’s your brother!” BUT paying no attention to the fans, Evil NINJA~#2 suplexes his brother ONTO LIGHT TUBES!

( This, This, THIS is a dysfunctional NINJA~ family we’ve got here. )

Iron Mike Patterson has the mike, “Let’s go get a ham sandwhich. I am going to manage the GREATEST ham sandwhich that you have ever eaten. I may not be the announcer any more, but I’m the manager of the greatest sensation in wrestling and the NEXT IWS heavyweight champion!” They both stalk off, leaving White NINJA~#1 in a heap. He slowly drags himself to the back, refusing help as much as he can in his weakened state.

Brian the Shill is back in the ring, “Let’s give Hardcore NINJA~#1 a big hand. Damn that Iron Mike Patterson and Hardcore NINJA~#2! Don’t forget to give it up for the winner of this contest: EL GENERICO! We have another great match for you, but first at the timekeeper’s table, it’s Independent Wrestling Reporter...” OH! It’s a shill for his radio show, never mind. “Who wants to be a part of Team 990?” Brian the Shill starts throwing shirts out and someone throws the shirt back... AND AGAIN!

( There are a FEW moments, not many mind you, but a few, where the IWS crowd rocks your ever-loving world, and this is one of them. HEY! Guppie! I don’t want your FUCKING shirt! )
Nice throw.
( Thanks. )

Someone is bringing a tree into the ring. Brian the Shill, stating the obvious, “It’s a Christmas Tree match everybody!” There are packages to go under the tree, and HEY! a keyboard.

( This must be a (RED) Green Phantom match, he [hearts] this shit. )

Brian the Shill is killing time while the ring fills up with Christmas junk by introducing us to, “the biggest fan of Team 990, Between the Ropes, here. No, it’s not Hi-5. Come on over here. Here he is everybody! Next time don’t touch me. From the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains at 255 pounds, the IWS heavyweight champion, the Green Phantom.”
The Green Phantom is as usual wearing his camouflage pants and mask. The black Spidey shirt is a recent addition to his wardrobe though. The champ has the mike, “To all of you who know how to GET WITH THE GREEN, I want to wish you happy holidays. AND since I’m in a giving mood, I’m going to give some snot-nosed punk a shot at my IWS heavyweight title. But first, I have some presents to hand out. I would like my bestest buddy in the IWS to come to the ring. Come on out Steve!” The Natural Steve Royds comes to the ring, and tears open his gift. For the benefit of the crowd, the Green Phantom explains, “It’s a platinum dumb bell bar!” Steve is touched and declares, “I have a gift for you two big guy.” Steve reaches into his shorts, and the Green Phantom backs up with an expression on his face like, “WHOA! STEVE! Keep the anaconda on its’ leash dude!” BUT... Steve pulls out a gold bandanna out of his shorts. The Green Phantom, a braver man than I, actually puts the bandanna on his head, although what with the whole mask thing it doesn’t stay put for long.

( It is ASTONISHING how many expressions the Green Phantom seems to have, according to you, despite the fact that he’s wearing a mask. Or how many complex emotions he is able to express. )
It is, isn’t it? I think that it’s a Sergei Eisenstein thing myself.

Steve heads to the back and the Green Phantom continues with the gifts, “This is for Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton. It’s a keg... of beer! Hmmm... it’s already half empty. Pat must have got into it already, he’s such a crazy guy. HEY! There’s a gift here for me from my Mom. It’s socks! Thanks Mom!”

( WAIT! The Green Phantom has a MOM? )
That’s what floored you? I’m trying to figure out why the Green Phantom would bother to lie about Pat getting into the beer.
( How do you figure that he lied? )
If Pat HAD gotten into the keg, it would be EMPTY. No Highlander leaves any container of beer half drunk once it’s opened.
( Point. )
Why wouldn’t the Green Phantom have a Mom?
( I just have this odd vision of Leave it to Beaver with the Green Phantom as Beaver and June Cleaver wearing an El Santo mask. )
Now, THAT is a disturbing image.

The champ, having finished with the gifts, turns to the match at hand, “I picked this guy because he looked just like the losers in this crowd who don’t know how to GET WITH THE GREEN! It’s WonderFred from WonderLand!” WonderFred is doing the whole Green Phantom entrance shtick, and the crowd is eating it up with a spoon. The champ, on the other hand, is less impressed, “Are you mocking me? I’m going to have give you taste of hardcore justice. This one’s for all you folks in the audience, cause I’m going to do to WonderFred what I want to do to each and every one of you!”
Bell rings at 11:31. The Green Phantom has a Christmas cookie tin and he bounces it off WonderFred’s head. Phantom-line, and another, and this one flips WonderFred to the outside and he bounces his feet on the steps at the side of the ring on his way out. OUCH! WonderFred grabs a chair on the outside. He waves it, and hits things with it and then uses it climb into the ring. HOO-HA! Once on the inside, WonderFred punches Green Phantom, but the time of Christmas selling is OVER! Phantom grabs WonderFred by the neck and throws him, and AGAIN, and he follows that up with a Phantom Bomb. Phantom starts choking WonderFred on the ropes for a five count. He picks WonderFred up by the neck for a choke slam Phantom Bomb, BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Throwing WonderFred into the air, the Green Phantom catches him on the way down and PHANTOM BOMB! The Green Phantom squats down in the universal, “I’m about to SPEAR somebody to death” pose, and WonderFred staggers to his feet diving out of the way just as the Green Phantom GORE! GORE! GORE!s the Christmas Tree.

( OH! The arboreality! )

WonderFred hits the Green Phantom with a gift and he barely muscles him over in a suplex and he covers for one and no. WonderFred does this wacky leg hold on the arm roll-up, but doesn’t even get one, so he switches to a leg hold on the neck roll-up, but in the process he rolls the Green Phantom’s leg onto the ropes.

( Those were neat, but somewhat pointless. )
Indeed.

And all that rolling has given the Green Phantom time to get his bearings, so he is up and chasing WonderFred, who demonstrates some actual intelligence, by running for his life. The Green Phantom chases WonderFred around the ring, eventually getting delayed at the corner opposite me, when he runs into Colonel Meez of the Red Army. By the time the Green Phantom gets past Meez, WonderFred has disappeared, sliding under the ring. Eventually, WonderFred pops up behind the Green Phantom with a chair, and well that was WEAK, WEAKER STILL, and MAN!

( DUDE! Llakor’s 93 year old Grand-Mother throws better chair shots than that! )
Yep. And you have the welts to prove it.
( Last time I go to your parents’ place for Christmas dinner. )

It’s a little hard for me to tell from the opposite side of the ring, but it looks like WonderFred just DDTed the Green Phantom from the apron to the floor onto a chair. WonderFred comes into the ring and poses. The crowd starts chanting, “WonderFred,” as the champ rolls back into the ring. WonderFred jumps on to the Green Phantom’s back and claps on the Sleeper.

( All right that tears it. Phantom KILL THE WONDERPUNK! )

The Green Phantom wastes no time dropping WonderFred on his head and then stomps hisself a WonderFred mud hole and walks it dry. The Green Phantom grabs a keyboard and WHAM! there are letters and numbers everywhere! It looks like a SCRABBLE DEATH MATCH in there!

( OH! The literati! )

WonderFred staggers to his feet and the Green Phantom massages his face with a Phantom Boot of Mild Discomfort to the face. WonderFred sells it like a champ though, as the Green Phantom lumbers over to drop the elbow. The champ props a chair on WonderFred’s face and goes up top to drop his butt on the chair. The Green Phantom goes back up top again, but WonderFred is back up with the chair, and he pastes the champ with it. WonderFred goes up top as well, and the Green Phantom throws him off to the mat. Jumping off the top rope, the Green Phantom charges WonderFred and runs into a suplex and a cover for One and TwNO! Green Phantom bounces back up and Phantom Slams WonderFred down for the Arrogant Cover for one and two and no. WonderFred somehow staggers back to his feet and for his pains he is given the gift of a truly MASSIVE PHANTOM BOMB!

( *SNIFF* It’s so nice to see the champ getting into the Christmas spirit. )

Also in the spirit of giving, the champ DOES NOT COVER! WonderFred is reeling and he gets kicked in the gut to step up a helicopter spin face plant and the cover for One and Two and WonderFred gets his feet on the ropes. The Green Phantom is less than impressed by that call, but, as he argues, WonderFred recovers and he somehow muscles the champ over in an over the shoulder drop. The Jerry Lawler memorial WonderFred fist drop gets ONE! and TWO! and NO! The Green Phantom grabs a cookie pan, but before he can use it, WonderFred cuts him off with a LETHAL double axe-handle from the top.

( Is this jobber stealing Beef Wellington’s move-set? No respect. )

WonderFred grabs the cookie pan and he has a look on his face rather like that on the face of the apes at the beginning of 2001. WHAM! to the Green Phantom’s head! and TWICE! and THREE TIMES A LADY! and FOUR FOR THE GORE! The cookie pin is totally deformed, the champ is down and WonderFred heads up top. But he takes too long to climb, and the Green Phantom is able to grab a chair though and he throws it at WonderFred, who totters and falls off the top rope, caught and dropped by the Green Phantom. The champ sets up two chairs and he SUPLEXES WonderFred into a sitting position in the chairs. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

( Is there a chiropractor in the house? )

The Green Phantom drags the remains of WonderFred up top and the totally academic Phantom Bomb from up top gets ONE! and TWO! and THREE! and you could have counted to FIVE! or even to THIRTY-EIGHT! because WonderFred ain’t getting back up. He’s dead Jim. The Green Phantom pins WonderFred to retain at 11:42. Match lasted 10 minutes, 42 seconds.

( Remembered to turn the stop watch on this time, I see. )
SHHHH!! The champ has the mike, “I would have been happy just beating one of you punks. NOW, I won’t be happy until I kill one of you punks!” The Green Phantom grabs WonderFred. He’s not going to... OH SWEET LORD! NO! Phantom! NO! You’ll KILL him! PHANTASM to the outside onto a chair!
( Someone explain this to me. Irish Mike Luger gets a concussion, WonderFred gets murdered, Zero and Wailing Jimmy Handjob get jobbed, AND RIGHTEOUS FUCKING RICK FUCKING STERLING WINS!?! Where is the Justice? )
I think that the Green Phantom has your Hardcore Justice right here, but let’s check with the champ, “That’ll teach you to mess with the Hardcore Justice that is the Green Phantom!”
( Yep. WonderFred just done got lurned! )

The Green Phantom stalks to the back. WonderFred gets helped to his feet, and he gets steered towards the back. He has this whole guy emerging from a coma sense of, for want of a better word, WONDER at the world around him. Sort of like, “HEY! There are bits of Christmas Tree sticking out of my skull! NEAT! Oh look, I can bend my little finger all the way back. Ooooh! Is that blood? AWESOME! Cool, the room is spinning and going black.”
( I think that we could learn a lot about the value of Positive Thinking from WonderFred’s example. )
I was thinking it was more like a reason to stay on the good side of the champ, because he gets kinda LETHAL when he’s cranky.
( The Green Phantom has a good side? I dunno Dude. I think he’s bitchy 360 degrees, 24/7/365. )
RIGHT. Remind me to cancel that sit down interview with him.
The Great and Mighty OZ
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#4 Posted on 26.1.03 1703.47
Reposted on: 26.1.10 1704.11
Llakor Broadcast System

Sunday, January 26th, 2003

LBS#11: Season's Beatings 2003

Part Four

Brian the Shill is out to - BIG SURPRISE - shill. He does mention that IWS will have DVD’s of Blood, Sweat and Beers available soon which is cool, but the rest of it, ugh, this is the sort of waking nightmare which you can’t wake from no matter how hard you try and you’re begging the universe to please, please do something, anything to make it stop, “What Now?”
( Is that Iron Mike Patterson and Evil NINJA~#2? )
There is a GOD! Thank you. Thank you. Mind you, forcing me to try and transcribe Iron Mike Patterson’s promo is a bit like going from the frying pan to the fire, “The IWS couldn’t afford to pay me to be the announcer around here anymore! That’s why you’ve got this loser out here with the mike! But that’s okay, because now I am the manager of the greatest wrestling talent in the world, the next IWS heavyweight champion, Evil NINJA~#2! And with the help of Evil NINJA~#2, I have managed the greatest robbery in IWS history. You want to take the money that you were going to spend on me and invest it in DVD’s? Well, I have your DVD’s MOTHER-FUCKERS! You want a DVD? Here take a DVD. Take them all! Here’s one! Here’s one! For the back!”
( Over here Mike! We [heart] you! )
Yeah! Even if you do talk waaaaay too fast for me to transcribe correctly, “In my hands now is an empty bag, but soon it will be the IWS championship belonging to Evil NINJA~#2!”
( EMPTY Bag? You mean you gave away ALL the DVD’s already? FUCK YOU PATTERSON! I hate you all over again! )
I’m not sure that hate is the right word, but I feel like breaking out a “Mike sucks dick” chant for old times sake. OH! and for FUCK’s sake Patterson, why are you letting the Shill have the mike back, “Patterson, you idiot! Did you take those DVD’s from the office upstairs?”
“Yeah! Yeah! We stole them and we just gave them all away!”
“Did you take them from the office upstairs, the office to the left?”
“Yeah! Yeah! We stole them!”
“Patterson, you freaking MORON, you just gave out faulty technology to the fans. The last three minutes of the main event are missing from those DVD’s.”
Iron Mike Patterson gets this total Groo the Wanderer, “Did I err?” look on his face and he sprints to the back with Evil NINJA~#2. Brian the Shill tries to mollify the fans who just elbowed all of their neighbours in the head in the mad scramble to get free faulty technology, “There’s only a slight glitch at the end of the DVD. You still got a $25 value for free, and that’s not bad.”
The screen comes down at 11:46. Brian the Shill announces that we are about to see, “What happened in the Commissioner’s office a little while ago.”
Commissioner Joe FitzMorris is in his office. He picks up the phone, “Send in Peanut.”
“Hi Joey.”
“Don’t call me Joey. My name is Mr. FitzMorris. Or you can call me Commissioner.”
“Yes, Mr. FitzMorris.”
“This is a bonus envelope to thank you for all the good work that you have been doing officiating in the IWS. Don’t think that I haven’t observed how fair and impartial you are, just like me. I admired the way that you called the Loser leaves the IWS match where that dirty junkie Manny got thrown out of the IWS for good.”
“Thank you, Commissioner.”
“At Season’s Beatings, there is a very important main event between Onyx and Big Steve Royds. If Onyx loses, he loses his title shot against the champion, the Green Phantom. It’s very important that you call that match right down the middle, just like you did in the Manny match.”
“I think I understand.”

The screen is up and Brian the Shill is less than impressed, “Peanut is the man that screwed Manny out of the IWS. Peanut, you Fucking Whore!” I stopped paying attention to the Shill at this point, as he introduced Mathy 69, who many people consider the best wrestler in Québec, and since he was facing off against the guy that everyone else thinks is the best wrestler in Québec, Arsenal, this promised to be a barn-burner. And since it is an Arsenal match, accompanying Mathy69 to the ring is Elsa as we continue the Elsa seduces wrestler’s to pound the crap out of Arsenal storyline.

( Why the fans haven’t turned on Elsa for always bringing in guys from outside of the IWS to wrestle Arsenal, I don’t know. I understand that the storyline gives the IWS management an excuse to bring in guys from outside the fed to wrestle Arsenal in these amazing matches, but I would have thought by this point the fans would have started to feel that, “Arsenal may be a cockroach, but damn it, he’s OUR cockroach.” )
I guess that it’s just that Arsenal is so damn loveable.

Mathy69 is wearing red and silver trunks, black knee pads, and black boots. Elsa is wearing a low cut pink shirt, low rise brown pants, and she is carrying an opened bottle of Smirnoff Ice? WHAT! THE! FUCK! If that bottle doesn’t turn out to be a gimmicked bottle that gets smacked up somebody’s head, I am going to be severely pissed.
( More importantly, isn’t the whole point of this storyline that Elsa is FUCKING these wrestlers to get them to FUCK UP Arsenal? )
Yeah. What’s your point?
( Just that Mathy69 seems a bit of a, how shall I put this, a NANCY-BOY to be fucking Elsa that’s all. )
What are you trying to say?
( That there is a reason that the boy wears knee-pads. )
Wasn’t there something in our truce agreement about you promising NOT to try and get me killed?
( I fail to see how pointing out Mathy69’s struggles with his own sexuality are going to get you killed. )

Arsenal and the Motivator of Madness are both out, and they both have kendo sticks. Arsenal grabs a mike that doesn’t work, “Is it working?” Motivator of Madness pushes Brian the Shill to the back and the bell rings at 11:51. Mathy 69 and Arsenal start a pose-off with the crowd, and Arsenal gets pissed that Mathy 69 is getting a better reaction than he is, so he breaks his kendo stick on Mathy 69’s back. Mathy 69 recovers quickly though and he does a nice back flip off the rope followed by a drop kick. He scoops Arsenal up and drops him down, and then Mathy 69 executes a standing moon-sault, and the cover for one and no. Mathy 69 scoops Arsenal up and drops him down and a nice flippy leg drop off the top is followed up by a fisherman’s suplex that Arsenal rolls out of almost by instinct. With Arsenal on the mat, Mathy 69 runs and a running moon-sault gets One and Two and T-No! Mathy 69 is up quickly, and Arsenal grabs his leg, pulls him down, and hooks up a nice modified submission thingy.

( So I take it that the story that they are working with here is the guy with the flashy GHEY bouncy-bouncy move set against the guy who’ll just kill you if you’re not careful. )
Or even if you are careful.

Arsenal stomps Mathy 69 just to be a dick, and then decides to stop fucking around and go straight to the kendo-assisted neck breaker, and the cover for one and two and no. Arsenal, frustrated, starts breaking the kendo stick over Mathy 69’s head and chest.

( He must buy those by the gross or something. )
REALLY.

Mathy 69 makes a recovery and he takes Arsenal down with a flippy scissors hold. He goes flippy floppy on the ropes and gets KNEES! Arsenal grabs a chair, and he scoops Mathy 69 up and slams him down, and then puts the chair on Mathy 69’s face. Arsenal goes up top and drops the leg on the chair.

( Take THAT pretty boy! )
I’m sensing hostility, Captain.
( No SHIT Counselor! Fat lot of good taking a Betazoid into a war zone is doing for us! When they’re FUCKING firing on us, I can figure out that they’re HOSTILE without your FUCKING help! )
And other conversations that you’ll never see on Star Trek: Next Generation.
( Damn Shame. )

Skeletor has stolen the table from the timekeeper, oh wait, I’m sorry, from the ‘independent wrestling journalist’ The crowd starts a “Skeletor” chant as he sets up the table outside the ring. Meanwhile Mathy 69 is up and at ‘em, cause it’s hard to keep a good face down. He muscles Arsenal onto the table and does a flippy off the apron onto Arsenal, and the table NO-SELLS! Mathy 69 is back in the ring and he’s busted wide open. He grabs a chair and goes after Skeletor with it. He bashes Skeletor and after some maneuvering, Skeletor ends up tangled in the ropes with the chair on his face, so that Mathy 69 can do a running 619 into the chair.

(Now beating up Arsenal’s manager is not a bad idea as such, except for two small things. First Skeletor is a skeleton, so since he is currently no-selling DEATH, a little thing like a 619 isn’t going to keep him down for long. And secondly, if you waste your time beating up Arsenal’s manager, you give Arsenal time to recover, and since the little prick is like a cockroach, it’s not a good idea to take your eyes off him. )
Translation: Baby Faces are STOOOPID.
( This is odd. I just used more and bigger words than you. I feel like Cartman in that mirror universe South Park episode. )

Arsenal is in fact back up and he grabs Mathy 69, drags up to the top and OUCH! NECK DEATH onto a chair. Followed up by a Death Valley Driver onto the chair. Meanwhile, I get distracted because Skeletor has come out to confront Onyx’s posse.

( Onyx’s posse? )
Did I not mention that sitting directly to the right of the French Smark’s corner was a group of guys who were obviously all friends of Onyx? Big black guys who spent most of the night yelling, “Why are you helping him?” or “Why would you DO that?”
( No, you didn’t mention that. I wasn’t really paying attention to them. )
Yes, I KNOW. Because you were busy making cow eyes at the cutie with the Pikachu back-pack.
( DUDE, if I have to explain to you, why given the choice between gawking at a bunch of big black guys and checking out a cute girl, I chose the cute girl, I may have to introduce you and Mathy 69. I’m sure that you will make a very cute couple. )
This is payback for the crack about you and Sterling isn’t it?
( DROWN, MOTHER-FUCKER. )

In any case, Skeletor, for some odd skeletal reason decides to take on Onyx’s entire posse single-handed, and learns that in the history of bad ideas, this is one is actually more idiotic than Triple H trying to frame Kane for necrophilia. So he runs for it. Meanwhile, in the ring, Arsenal is trying his own flippy stuff which gets intercepted by a chair to the knee. Mathy 69 props Arsenal up in an upside down Tree of Woe in the corner, and does this bouncy, flippy, bull-shit baseball slide thingy. Mathy 69 scoops Arsenal up and slams him down, and then goes up top for a revolutionary foot stomp. Arsenal clutches his mid section, and Mathy 69 clutches his knee. Limping, Mathy 69 throws Arsenal out of the ring. He then climbs the speaker platform, which must be doing his knee a world of good, and flips off the top taking out Arsenal and Skeletor.

( With the exception of the scoop slam, is this guy even capable of doing a move without adding some little flippy, bouncy chiaroscuro flourish to it? )
I am beginning to wonder about that. He is like Rob Van Dam on speed.

Arsenal suplexes Mathy 69 on the floor and rolls him into the ring. As Arsenal comes into the ring himself, Mathy 69 kicks him in the shin. He then bum-rushes Arsenal across the ring and tries to throw Arsenal out, but Arsenal ends up stuck by his ankle in the ropes. While Ruffneck tries to help Arsenal out, Mathy 69 grabs a chair and hits Arsenal’s ankle, and then poses.

( Man, with that ruthlessness and an actual dick, Mathy 69 could be almost dickish. )
Still trying to get me killed, I see. I should point out that when Mathy 69 posed, he was all of about two feet in front of me and it was all I could do to stop OZ from spitting in his face.
( DUDE! The Nancy Boy was trying to break Arsenal’s ankle. You want I should shake his hand? )

Arsenal gets free of the rope, and he and Mathy 69 end up struggling on the apron. Arsenal threatens to superplex Mathy 69 to the floor. This is obviously setting up Mathy 69 to block it, reverse it and suplex Arsenal into the ring, except that Mathy 69 DOES NOT BLOCK and Arsenal SUPERPLEXES HIM TO THE FLOOR! Literally two feet in front of me. In fact, IWS ran that as the move of the week, and you can actually see my legs and note-book in the shot. I’m very proud of the fact that I didn’t flinch when they damn near landed on me. OZ, on the other hand...

Hey! Look! My LEGS! And no OZ! Oh and Arsenal & Mathy 69 do some stuff too.


( OK. FINE. I admit it. I dove for cover. HAPPY? )
Yep. You missed your chance to be immortalized on the IWS web-site.
( Oh JOY. This is like the time that your sister went to New York and we had to watch that episode of David Letterman OVER and OVER again to see her elbow on camera. )

Skeletor scoops up Mathy 69’s remains and rolls him into the ring. He and Arsenal go into the ring together and double-team suplex him. Ruffneck comes over and escorts Skeletor out, delaying his start of the count so that it only gets ONE and TWO and NO! Arsenal grabs the groggy Mathy 69 and murders him with a belly to belly suplex, but rather than cover him, Arsenal allows himself to be distracted by the Two Mountains Mob. Mathy 69 recovers, naturally, and grabs Arsenal for a fancy suplex and the cover for ONE and TWO and NO! Mathy 69 goes to the ropes and it looks like he fucks up a move only it turns into this FUCKING SMOOTH OPERATOR swinging power bomb thingy, so maybe he planned it that way. It was almost terrifying how he went from awkward to fluid in the space of a heartbeat. You need a big hammer to finish off a cockroach like Arsenal, so Mathy 69 goes deep into his tool chest for this superplex power bomb thingy that is just FUCKING AWESOME, and the cover gets ONE! and TWO! and BROKEN UP BY SKELETOR!

( Thank god for Skeletor. )

Mathy 69 is setting up a table. Arsenal is clutching his back. Now the problem with almost killing Arsenal is that he really, really, really makes you pay for trying and failing. Case in point, Arsenal kicking Mathy 69’s ass, literally, and then dragging him to the ropes to DEATH VALLEY DRIVER him through a table. HOLY FUCKING MERDE ON A STICK! But Arsenal DOES NOT COVER! He goes up top, and he’s screwing around up top, and all the screwing around gives Mathy 69 a chance to no-sell Death.

( Just like Skeletor! Think it’s contagious? )

Mathy 69 runs, jumps off the ropes and spin kicks Arsenal, who is still up top, in the gut. He follows that up with a hurricanerana pulling Arsenal over with only his ankles. Dude’s got seriously strong ankles. But Arsenal will not be denied and he grabs Mathy 69 for the Fisherman Buster and ONE! and TWO! and THREE! and Arsenal wins at 12:11, match was 18 minutes, 50 seconds.
After the match, Elsa is in to console Mathy 69. Arsenal comes over to ask why she’s wasting her time on the Nancy Boy when there’s a real man right here. Elsa, who clearly does not respond well to constructive criticism, slugs Arsenal one, so Arsenal does what he always does when a woman punches him.

( What? Bleed like a stuck pig? )
Let me rephrase. Arsenal does what he always does when a woman, OTHER THAN PRECIOUS LUCY, slugs him.
( Ummm... What is Rips off her clothes, Alex? )
Very good, and thanks for framing your answer in the form of a question.

Skeletor, for some odd skeletal reason, covers Elsa up before anyone in the audience gets much of a look at all, so Arsenal takes out the crowd’s frustration on his own manager, “What the FUCK are you doing?” Arsenal hits the low blow on the Motivator of Madness with the kendo stick, and you would think that that would be less effective on a walking skeleton than it actually is. Arsenal follows up with a head shot to Skeletor with the kendo stick and then he stalks off. Mathy 69, Elsa and Skeletor all leave together and that is one odd trio.

( Why because Elsa has more testosterone in her than the other two put together? )
Now that’s not really fair. The Motivator of Madness is a walking skeleton. His days of producing testosterone are way behind him.
( And Mathy 69’s excuse? )
Is it just me or is Mathy69’s theme song a hardcore version of “You Spin Me ‘Round”?
( And you are arguing with me on the whole ‘Nancy Boy’ thing? )

I would like to point out at this time that from what I could tell, Elsa never actually drank from her bottle of Smirnoff Ice, but she lost major respect points from me, for walking out with an open bottle of alcohol and spending most of the match standing in one place trying to clap with the bottle in her hand.

( There is one other thing that we need to cover. After the show, I supply of the Red Army ran a ridiculous post under the heading “Enough Hardcore?” )
Right. Here it is:

This is just one fans opinion, but is there enough hardcore in the IWS these days?

My answer is no. The wrestling is top notch, There are tons of amazing spots to mark out for, and there are lots of new faces. But why did ordinary wrestling fans like the IWS in the first place. I will tell you why. For the extreme stuff. The stuff that you thought you could only see on TV. The last really hardcore match was Unf'nsanctioned. Then there was the ninjaz and the barbed wire. But what about the last show?
I think that the clock match was amazing, and so was the rest of the show, but where were the endless light tubes and thumb tacks and tables on fire?


( So, just to check, Arsenal suplexing Mathy69 on the outside is not hardcore? )
Arsenal super-plexing Mathy 69 onto concrete is not hardcore?
( Arsenal DEATH VALLEY DRIVING Mathy 69 THROUGH A TABLE is not hardcore? FUCK! What kind of a sick freak are you, I Supply? )
Amen, brother. Seriously, if that match wasn’t hardcore, I don’t know what hardcore is.

Brian the Shill is out to, OH MY GOD! SWERVE!, to shill. He pimps Ripping Hammer and throws out some more t-shirts which once again get thrown back in. “Are you ready for the main event?” The screen comes back down at 12:16.
We are treated to clips from IWS-TV. At the previous show, Payback’s a Bitch, they had run an angle where Onyx gets arrested for having drugs and a gun in his wrestling gear. At the time, I was critical of the choice for police officer, because instead of hiring a wrestler to do the bit who they could have used in a later show, they hire what must have been a real cop, because his acting was so horribly bad that he had to have been the real thing. It turns out that for the purpose of IWS storylines that he wasn’t a real cop, because Onyx in the IWS skits is handcuffed to a chair and being tortured at various points by the Green Phantom. So, hiring a really bad actor to be the cop turned out to work for the purposes of the storyline.
( WAIT! Are you saying that they hired a real police officer to play a fake police officer and because the real police officer’s acting was so bad, it made it realistic that he wasn’t a real police officer, but a fake? )
Let me just parse your sentence. Yep, that’s exactly what I am saying.
( *I* don’t even understand what *I* just said. Your analysis of IWS storylines gives me a migraine. )

The skits start with Onyx and the Commissioner, Onyx handcuffed to the chair. Joe FitzMorris points out helpfully, “This isn’t a jail cell.”
“Good thing it’s not a jail cell, because you would be my bitch.”
“We tricked you at Season’s Beatings. That wasn’t a real cop. You are here and here you will rot until you sign away your title shot.”
“I sign that and I can leave?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t reach the paper to sign. I’ll say this as politely as possible. FUCK! YOU! Eat a cock sideways!”
Onyx starts singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” and the Commissioner gives up. Later, the Green Phantom comes in, “Are you ready to give up your title shot yet?”
“You have to realize that you need to use a toothbrush and toothpaste.”
“Sign here and give up your title shot.”
“If I sign this, I can leave? I’ll have no more problems?”
“Yes. Sign this, give up your title shot and I’ll let you go.”
“I would rather sex with a midget with no legs. I’m not giving up my title shot. I want my title shot!”
Green Phantom gives up again, but later he’s back again, “I’m back.”
“Is that you, Ma?”
“It’s not your Mom. It’s the Green Phantom. Ready to give up your title shot yet?”
“COLGATE Man! Learn to brush! Geeze! You’re the IWS heavyweight CHUMP!”
“I have control over you. If you get through my man Royds, then maybe I’ll give you your title shot.”
The Green Phantom gives up again, and then later, Manny show up with a gun. Manny’s boggles my fragile little mind with his garbled Ebonics. Onyx cuts to the chase, “No fucking New Jack, just un-cuff me. Don’t point that gun at me. Put it down. Un-cuff me. Now the other arm. Okay now let’s get out of here. FUCK! Manny you shot me.”

The last clip is Manny and Onyx before the show. Manny tries to rap threatening, “On January 11th, I’m gonna bust a cap in Steve Royd’s!”
“No Manny. I don’t want you there. I don’t need you fucking there. This is important. I don’t need you fucking this thing up for me.”
“I thought we were boys.”
“We are boys. That’s why I’m not hitting you over the head with a large heavy object. You’re just lucky that when you shot me it was only a graze. You need to promise me. Manny? I need you to promise on that beer bottle that you won’t interfere in the match.”
Manny swears on the beer bottle that he won’t interfere.

The screen goes up at 12:27. Guess I’m missing that last bus. Brian the Shill asks, “Are you ready for the main event?” Ruffneck is out? What happened to Peanut? The Natural Steve Royds comes out, confronts Onyx’s posse and steals one of their chairs when they stand up to face him down. He is wearing a orange bandanna, a black shirt with ‘Hogan’ holes, black knee pads, black boots, and extremely tight orange short shorts that make it look like he is smuggling bananas to the ring. Onyx is out next. He is wearing a black shirt, shiny black pants, purple knee and elbow pads, and a white towel around his neck. And NOW? we do introductions. ODD. “At 242 pounds, the Natural Steve Royds. From right here in Chomedey, Laval, six foot three, 325 pounds, Dru Onyx.”
Steve starts things off by spitting at Onyx, and then hitting him with the chair, adding injury to insult as it were. He follows up with a Green Phantom Face Plant, and when Onyx struggles to his feet, he spears him. Steve’s bandana has come off and Onyx has rolled to the outside, so Steve hits him with an axe-handle from the apron. Onyx grabs Steve and drives him into one of the speaker platforms about three feet from me. Onyx rolls Steve in and a flying body press gets one and two and no.

( What happened to that Green Box? Oh here it comes. )
Yep. The Commissioner is out with the green box, and he tells Steve, “If you need any help. we’ve got the GREEN box right here.”
( If Abdullah the Butcher is in the box, why does the Commissioner keep mentioning GREEN? )
Maybe Steve Borden is in the box instead?

Onyx is distracted by this intrusion, and it allows Steve to turn the tide with a Spear to the ropes. Steve muscles the big man over in a Suplex, and then stomps himself an Onyx mud hole and walks it dry, ending the beatdown with a knee to the head. Steve backs up and Onyx is back up and charging, but Steve dives out of the way so that Onyx GORE! GORE! GORE!s Ruffneck. The crowd starts chanting, “You killed Ruffneck.” The Commissioner declares, “I guess I’m going to have to get a replacement referee.” While Onyx checks to see if Ruffneck is still breathing, Steve has rolled out to confront Onyx’s posse, “Here with your little crew.” The posse doesn’t take kindly to being referred to as little and they throw Steve down and start beating on him. Steve scrambles his way out and he is less than impressed, “What the FUCK is wrong with you?”
Peanut is in the ring, and Ruffneck is stirring. He gets dragged to the back as Steve and Onyx appear to have made an odd little truce as they both start setting up tables in the corners. Once the tables are set up, the odd truce appears to be over and the two men crash together like bulls in the middle of the ring, with Steve coming out on top and he stomps Onyx while he’s down. He tries to pick up Onyx up, presumably to put him through one of the corner tables, but either he can’t lift Onyx or they blew the spot, I’m not sure which.

( Looked awkward though. )

Onyx gets Steve in a full nelson, and maneuvers Steve around into an Irish Whip which Steve blocks and turns into a thunderous short clothes line and the cover for oneandtwoandno. Onyx responds with a clothesline of his own, and Peanut... ever... so... slowly... gets... into... position... and then refuses to count because Steve’s foot is in the ropes. Both men are up and Steve elbows Onyx in the back. Onyx tries to Irish Whip Steve into a table, countered and Steve tries to do the same, countered and Onyx drops Steve with a toe-hold. The Commissioner is in attempting a low blow, but Onyx’s thighs are so big it takes him a couple of attempts to get the low blow through. The Commissioner follows up with WEAK chair shots to Onyx’s head and back.
Steve Royds is up and he starts kicking Onyx. He finishes it off by spin kicking Onyx into the table, but the table NO-SELLS. Steve sets up the other table in the center of the ring. Onyx is struggling back to his feet, so Steve just casually pushes him back down into the table in the corner, and this time the table OVER-SELLS as it disintegrates under the big man. Steve drags Onyx to the opposite corner, pulls him up to the top and...

( He’s not going to... )

OH! MY! GOD! Steve lifts the 325 pound Onyx over his head, walks to the table and throws him through it. I have it written down as a “Bubba Bomb” but it really doesn’t do the move justice. It was more like a cross between a Bubba Bomb and a Gorilla Press Slam.

( THAT was FUCKING impressive. )

The crowd starts a well deserved “Holy Shit!” chant, and an equally well deserved “That was Sick!” chant. Steve, rather than pinning Onyx right away, starts stomping on him. Onyx staggers to his feet, and Steve tries a head butt, but that’s a huge mistake because Dru Onyx must be part Samoan or something, because Head Butts don’t hurt him, and he traps Steve’s arms and Head Butts him back ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A LADY! and he follows up with a suplex. The Commissioner is on the apron distracting Peanut, so Onyx walks over and punches the Commissioner off the apron. Meanwhile, Steve Royds has rolled out of the ring and he heads for the GREEN box for help.

( That doesn’t look like Abdullah the Butcher! )

It’s PCP CRAZY FUCKING MANNY! With a gun! and a chair! He hits the Commissioner with a chair as the Commissioner tries desperately to protect his glasses. The crowd chants, “Fuck Him Up, Onyx!” as Onyx grabs Steve Royds and pounds him into submission onto a table on the outside. Onyx goes up on the apron. Not High Enough! He looks at the ropes. Not High Enough! He climbs the speaker platform, and jumps off through Steve Royds and the table. Both men are shaken as thy get back into the ring. Steve Royds finds the beer keg from the Green Phantom match earlier in the head, but that is not enough to keep Onyx down. Onyx drops Steve with a diving clothes line and the cover for ONE! AND! AND! AND! TWO! AND! AND! AND! Peanut refuses to count three! Manny is back in with the gun and he threatens Peanut with it. Onyx picks Steve Royds for the sidewalk slam and the cover for ONE!TWO!THREE! Onyx wins at 12:48, match was 15 minutes 34 seconds. Peanut runs for the back as Onyx’s posse charge into the ring to celebrate.
Still the number one contender, Onyx has the mike, “Two things I’ve got to say. One, Steve Royds, Fuck you and yours. You power bomb me through a table, I’m still standing. Two, Manny, I’m glad you came. A brother can admit when he’s wrong.”

After the event, since I had already missed the last bus back to Montreal, I stayed to shake some hands, and watch the wrestler’s tear down the ring. The IWS ring is built around a central spring with metal girders attached to it. The metal girders are covered in plywood, and the plywood in turn is covered with a thin layer of sponge padding. The ring proper is built on top of this base. I looked for the piece that broke during the Hi-5 match, but I didn’t see it.

I very nearly scored a ride home with Steve Royds and Malaka, but their car was full. I did get a ride back to Montreal eventually with Iron Mike Patterson, but as to the details of the trip home, I am sworn to secrecy.
( What? You mean that white knuckle ride of death with the Yankee friend of Iron Mike Patterson’s who couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag with a compass, a map and a flashlight? Right. Mum’s the word. Lips are sealed. It is only fair to point out that it turned that Pikachu Girl’s name is Cat and she is Iron Mike Patterson’s main squeeze. And not to get all judgemental or anything, but he so doesn’t deserve her. )
*SIGH* Once again, thank you so much for putting my life in jeopardy.
( No problemo. Glad to be of help. )
I don’t think that Mike would mind me revealing, that when I complimented him on his Randy Savage impression, he replied that he felt that it was more of a combination of Savage, Hogan, Sherri Martel and Woman. I was incredulous about Woman. Mike thought that I didn’t know who she was, but I just didn’t see the comparison.
( For the slow learners in the back... Who in the BLUE HELL is Woman? )
You never study, do you? Woman is Chris Benoit’s wife. She was Rick Flair’s valet for a while. Before she married Benoit, she was married to Kevin Sullivan and was Kevin Sullivan’s valet. Sullivan who was booking at the time, ran an angle where Chris Benoit stole his valet, who was in real life his wife. Because Kevin Sullivan was a real believer in kay-fabe this meant that rather than spending time her real husband, Woman went everywhere with Chris Benoit. In time, she came to prefer her fake companion to her real-life husband and she dumped Kevin Sullivan for Chris Benoit for real. People like to joke that Kevin Sullivan booked his own divorce.

Iron Mike Patterson and his crew dropped me off by Fairmount Bagel’s on the Plateau. Being the psychotic cheapskate that I am, rather than hail down a taxi, I walked from Fairmount Bagels west to Parc, south down Parc to Avenue des Pins, west on Avenue des Pins to Atwater, south down Atwater to St-Jacques and then west on St-Jacques to home.
( Fortunately, by the time we did that little trek it was only about minus Twenty, so my earlobes only turned black, they didn’t actually turn gangrenous and fall off. )
If you wore a touque this wouldn’t happen. My ears were perfectly cozy under my WrestleMania X-8 touque.

Once home, I collapsed on my bed and slept the sleep of the just as visions of porn stars dance in my head.
( Don’t you mean ‘visions of porn stars danced on my bed’? )
There’s a difference?

Until once again I chain myself to my keyboard,
I remain,
Yours Truly

Llakor, that Lousy Canuck
Former [slash] contributour

(edited by The Great and Mighty OZ on 26.1.03 2226)
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