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The 7 - Guest Columns - Late Breaking Newz!!!
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Hot Newz
Bauerwurst
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#1 Posted on 25.1.03 1438.33
Reposted on: 25.1.10 1439.25
OMG! I am bizzack in the new year with some new Newz! And the biggest newz is that Willy Goldberg has met with teh WWE and is just minutes away fromn signing a contract! In case your a newbie fan and you dont know, Goldburg was a big star in teh WCW. From 1996 to 2000 he won 337 matches in a row before "Big Lazy the career-holding-downer" Kevin Nash used his political pool to force Goldbug to job to him! And he got into a fight with Triple H in a toy shop or something once. And his career was ended when Vinnie Russo made Goldberg dive head first through a monster truck windsheild in a wacky stunt and the most successful Jew in wrestling history hasn't wrestled since! but now he's finaly recovered and McMahon has offered him $10 million dollarz a year! But Goldberg will only sign if Vince gets rid of all the storylines involving dead bodies and rape and murder and women in skimpy dresses.

To try and keep his job, nixt week on RAW Bischoff will have TATU the hot Russian lesbians perform Victorias' theme music then have HLA with each other! but then Trish will come out wearing an American flag and say "get back to Moscow you COMMIE-DYKES!" and beat them up and announce she's now an american cityzen and singz "oh say can you SEEEE!"!!!1

Stephanie will have an other hewge surprise on Smackdown next week, a taped interveiw with The Rock! And The rock goes on and on about Stephanie's implantz and Goldust for like 15 minutes but then Rhyno gores him! And Rhyno's new gimmick is that he gores people who are doing boring interviews!

Next week, Sean O'Hair will tell kids to murder there parents!

Jericho is going to fight Stacey Keibler at No Way Out and Moolah and Mae are training her for the match!

Raven and Justin Incredible were fired because they suck! And Ravens okay because he's got rich parents but Justin is now homeless and sleeping rough on the streets! Servers him rite for all those crappy matches he had with Tommy Dreamer in ECDUBYA, IMNSHO!

I couldn't give you doodz the Royal Rumble booking sheet on Sunday beacuse I was still recovering from my hangover from New Years! And my sources told me taht the WWE knew it was leaked to me so they totally changed the results anyway just to make me look stupid those homogays. but here is the original booking sheet and it's much bettar!

Brock Lesnar versus The Big Show

They go to a double countout! Then Vinnie Mac comes out and says neither of them will be in the Rumble and there will be a mistery entrant instead. And Brock goes to give Vince the F15 but Vince kicks him in the balls and sez "don't cross da boss!"

Lance Storm and William Regal versus The Dudley Boyz

When the ref's feeling for knux he accidently strokes Regals penis and Regal says "you bloody dinnermasher, stop touching my willy!" and punches him out and gets DQed!

Torrie Wilson versus Dawn Marie

they're slapping each other like girls and pulling each otter's hair but then the Big Bossman runs out smoking a cigar for some reason and headbutts Torrie right on the head! And then he makes out with Dawn and says "I love it when a plan comes together!"

Criple H (lol) versus Scott Steiner

Steiner works over HHH's back with lots of cool suplexes (remember to remind Tazz to teach Scott some new suplexes, we don't just want him doing 10 belly to bellies!) and bearhugs and shit then HHH uses the knee (~!) to take control and lays Scotty out with a sleeperhold and then he takes a measuring tape out and measures Scott's muscles then measures his own and annoucnes that his muscles are twice as big! Then he sets a tent up in the ring and putz Steiner in it and goes in after him with the measuring tape then comes out and says he's measured there DICKS and his is three times as large and four times as wide! Then he goes back in again and pulls his trunks down and you hear Steiner scream and Scott comes out holding his ass! And then Tripel pedigrees him for the win and Steiner is now his bodyguard and his bitch!

Kurt Angle versus Chris Benoit

Angle hits Chris with his gold medals after 7 minutes amd the ref stops the match!

Royal Rumble match

Since our fans have such short attention spans a new wrestler will come in every 30 seckonds! And Shawn Michaels and Jeriko start and Chris puts him in the Walls of Jericho for ten seconds and it hurts Shawns crappy back so much that he has to be carried away on a stretcher (but he wasn't eliminated!)! And then Chris Harvard comes in and hides under the ring. And then Christian comes in and they do a special thirty second pose, then Edge comes in and says he wonts to pose with them but when they turn their backs he throws them both out and says it was the "me eliminating two masturwankers pose!" Then Tajiri comes in and Tommy Dreamer and that Italian Guy then Bill DeMott then Rey and Demott eliminates him in two seconds to set up a big-ass feud betwee them then some other midcarders come in then Vince comes out and says it's time for the mistery entrant and Al Wilson comes in! And up in teh rafters you can see that Dawn Marie and the Bossman are controlling Al with strings and they say he is there meat puppet! And Al's re-animated corpse spocks everyone out so they jump over the top rope to eliminate themselves but then Dead Man Walkin' the Taker's back! And he's dressed all in white and has wings and he's an angel now! And he says Al is an affront to god and last rides him over the top! But Bossman climbs down and throws Taker out to set up a feud then RVD comes in and Team Angle and Booker and Goldust but then the monstar Batitsta comes in and throws everyone out but only one of RVD's feet hits so he hops back in! then Kane comes in and they eliminated Batitista then Mattitiude Hardy comes in and tries to convert them to Mattitude but Kane says he believes in FREAKATUDE and chokeslams him over the top! Then John Cena raps about war on Iraq and Rikishi comes in and 3 Minute Warning and Test and Maven but then the angry Big Show comes in and tips over the ring like he did in WCW that one time and everyone but RVD and Kane fall out! And then Kane picks up RVD over his head like he's going to throw him out but instead he throws him straight up and catches him in a hug on the way down1 And RVD says they are co-winners and will fite Triple H in a tripel threat match at WrestleMania but Shawn Michales returns and gives them a double superkick, left foot on RVD right foot on Kane and they both fly out! and HBK thinx he's won but Chris Lewinski is still hiding under the ring and he throws Shawn out and he's the winner!

SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW IS SNORE

Quoth the Raven "never (going to work no) more"!

Jeff Hardy had sex with my sign (he thought it was a guy!)!

Uncle Eric molested his nephew!

Steve Austin in RAW Magazine? Shouldn't he be in CRIME Magazine!?

SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN

Dawn necrophiled Al's corpse!

Undertaker - he's not a dead man, but his career is dead, man!

Chavo mowed Eddy's mullet!

Matt Hardy: VIRGIN 1.0!!!

And now for this updates interview with the damn Game himself, Triple H! Everyone on the internet hates Trips, but I'm going to try and separate fact from ficteon and get to the TRUTH! Is he evil or not!? Lets find out!!!!!!!1

Me: Time to interview the GAAAAAAAME!

HHH: Hi...

Me: Mwuhuhuhuhu!

HHH: Yeah, hi...

Me: It's all about the Game, and how you interview him! It's all about the questions you ask and if he can answer them. It's all about...

HHH: Could you shut up, nimrod?

Me: Sorry! So are you evil?

HHH: Huh?

Me: Everyone on the internet says that you're EVIL! You hold down talent and shit!

HHH: Not true!

Me: Oh! Glad we got to the bottom of that! So do you do roids!?

HHH: Depends what you mean by "do".

Me: Do you use steroids to enhance your physique?

HHH: Depends what you mean by "use", "to", and "enhance"!

Me: I see! But did you use your political clout to avoid working with Booker T?

HHH: Look kid, if I mention to my lover that I don't want to work with Booker's black ass, that's got nothing to do with business. If I tell the woman I love that he can't work the WWE style and should stay in meaningless midcard tag matches for the rest of his career, that's just me confiding in my lover! Just because I might mention to my significant other that I want something to happen, doesn't mean that it is going to happen.

Me: But your lover is Stephanie McMahon, the head writer!

HHH: That's just a happy coincidence!

Me: Why does Stephanie keep getting implants?

HHH: You know, if you're suggesting that Stephanie suspects that I don't really love her and I'm just using her to help my career, and that she feels insecure and keeps getting ridiculous implants because she thinks they'll make her more attractive to me, I can assure you that there's no truth in that whatsoever!

Me: What do you think of X-Pac marrying Chyna? Are you jealous!?

HHH: Of course not! Just because Chyna used to be my best friend and X-Pac used to be my lover, doesn't mean I bear any ill will towards them. I'm happy for Chyna, happy that he's finally found true love. X-Pac's a great catch, I can't blame Chyna for shacking up with her.

Me: Umm, don't you mean that Chyna was your lover and X-Pac was your best friend?

HHH: Uhh, yeah, that's what I meant...hehe.

Me: LOL, I think you're part queer like the Rock said on that video!

HHH: I am not!

Me: Then how come at King of the Ring '98 you said, and I quote "I'm not bilingual JR, but I am bigayual! Wait a minute, did I say that out loud!?" And what about the rumours that HHH stands for Hunter Hugs Homos!?

HHH: Now you're just being a big silly goose.

Me: And what about the famous curtian call incident in MSG on Nash and Hall's last night?

HHH: That's been blown out of proportion. Okay, I did come out and stroke Nash's hair, but I did NOT kiss him on the lips! It was on the cheek.

Me: With tongue?

HHH: ...

Me: Let's go back in time to your very first match in the WWF, a Pig Pen match with Henry Godwinn! Do you regret doing that match now?

HHH: Not at all. That's just another example of how I'll do anything to get to the top. Even rolling aroud with a fat pig.

Me: As evidenced by your relationship with Stephanie!

HHH: Hehe, that's a good one...I mean, uhh, shut up!

Me: Why are you working with Scott Steiner now?

HHH: There's been a lot of speculation that I'm working with Scott because he's so bad that I know the fans will turn on him and start booing him during our matches and cheer me, turning me face. So that I can then jump to Smackdown and beat Angle, Lesnar, Hogan and heel Rock when he comes back. But I'm really doing it because I like to help young struggling talent out!

Me: He's about 40!

HHH: Well I'm certainly NOT doing it just beacause I like to touch his hot muscular body. I don't know how those rumours got started.

Me: How come you only ever job to Shawn Michaels?

HHH: Look, if you're suggesting that Michaels gets to beat me because he's sleeping with Vince McMahon and he asks Vince to let him beat me when they're having GAY SEX with each other...I can neither confirm nor deny those rumours at this time.

Me: Why do you use the knee(~!) so much?

HHH: I have the largest knees in wrestling-uhh. Little known fact-uhh.

Me: Why-uhh do-uhh you-uhh talk-uhh like-uhh this-uhh!?

HHH: It's NOT a side effect of years of steroid abuse-uhh!

Me: LOL. Do you do Stephanie DOGGY STYLE?

HHH: All the time! Anything to avoid looking at her face! Shit, I didn't mean to say that, can you edit it out?

Me: Only if you stick a sledgehammer up Steiner's ass on the next Raw!

HHH: It'll be my pleasure! Oh wait, you meant my actual sledgehammer, didn't you? I suppose I could do that too.

Me: I look forward to it! Thanks for your time!

Bizzack sizzoon wizzith mizzore Hizzizzott Nizzizzewz fizzizzizzor all my homies (not homos!)!!!!!!!!!!1

HOGAN TO FEUD WITH BILL DEMOTT? BENOIT'S WIFE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH KEVIN SULLIVAN WHILE HE'S ON THE ROAD WORKING HARD TO PUT FOOD IN THEIR BABY'S MOUTH? TAZZ TO WEAR A BASEBALL CAP BACKWARDS? PLUS HOT NAKED NUDE PARTIALLY NUDE PICS OF BUFF BAGWELL AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

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tomvejada
Andouille
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#2 Posted on 25.1.03 1734.01
Reposted on: 25.1.10 1735.26
Another funny column, Hot Newz.

Keep up the good work.
mountinman44
Sujuk
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Y!:
#3 Posted on 25.1.03 1809.13
Reposted on: 25.1.10 1811.22
Nice "interview" with HHHGH. Classic!
Net Hack Slasher
Banger
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#4 Posted on 25.1.03 2326.32
Reposted on: 25.1.10 2329.01
You know why you are the most respected journalist on the net today. Because you are willing to ask the hard questions, I respect that.

Trish/Victoria- It seems like a Trish turn, but I don't really know if it's face or heel? lol. Now that she got rid of those awful awful lesbians, she should ask Lillian to come into the ring so they can perform some Hot Harmonized Action by singing "oh say can you SEE!!!1!" together.

You really should give out warning when you give out Smackdown spoilers! But what do I expect from the guy so inside like Hot Newz! My fault.

Great recap of the Royal Rumble, the Bossman swerve during the Torrie-Dawn match really shows the WWE still got it!!. And atleast HHH had the decency to bring a tent with him.

I'm surprised that you had a couple of anti-Hardyz signz. With all the zee you use I thought you'd be right into their demographic.



LeechOfTheNight
Head cheese
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#5 Posted on 26.1.03 2127.41
Reposted on: 26.1.10 2128.28
Chavo mowed Eddy's mullet!


That's pretty funny because I almost brought a sign like that to the Rumble, except it was gonna be "Eddy Guerrero Mowed His Mullet".
byort
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#6 Posted on 27.1.03 1238.04
Reposted on: 27.1.10 1239.39
Hot Newz is pretty much the only reason I check this area out! Thanx for the hizot info, HN!!!!1 (LOL!)
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