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29.7.07 2002
The 7 - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWF - February
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Andouille
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Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

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#1 Posted on 30.12.02 1242.20
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1242.21
TONIGHT: There'll be a show! And...something may happen! But you get no hints in this preview! No!
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

Is the fact that Lawler's alone these days linked to the fact that he really seems to get off on Triple H's money shot/spit take/whale blowhole pose on the apron?
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

White with the power of the point to the patch.
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

"Hey guys, what's the penalty for aggravated assault around here, huh?" The cop fails to say "Well, in Vegas, first we repeal your boxing license..."
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

"So if it's up to you, Undertaker, the Rock could just...walk away, right now. I guess the choice is obvious." He walks away! (Must be distraught that he just said "I" again.)
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

Play "My Time" again and settle in - 'cause this could turn out to be MONTHS and MONTHS of CRAP

The baby is Flair's, right? But then it turns out that Stephanie is ALSO Flair's child because he had an AFFAIR with Linda - then it turns out that Shane is doing Meghan Fleihr....but that's okay, 'cause Marissa Mazzola was sleeping with Vince. Also, the Cubs Fan sleeping with Tough Enough's Taylor. He didn't want you to know, though, so he's been telling everybody on Delphi he's been spending all that quality time with a stack of photos of Shawn Stasiak...and don't think they haven't been giving him queer looks for it! Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson has FINALLY accepted that her ultimate fate has always been in the arms of MiCasa, DISQO learns that everyone knows it was him all along, and doggone it, Barry Horowitz is STILL the master of mind games when it comes to Mike Enos and Barry Darsow. AND...that's the LAST time CRZ eats a "McRib" just before midnight. It affects his MIND
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

WWF PUPPIES CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (8) (with Triple H carries ALL the luggage as he and Steffo leave) v. JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in a "we're gonna keep doing this match until Jazz wins" match - Oh, COME ON. (9) Hey, did you hear the news? Stephanie's PREGNANT! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Women's champion - but who cares? Stephanie's PREGNANT! (Fishermanbuster -> pin 3:40)
WWF RAW - 4.2.2002

Rock, stick; stick, Rock. I'm told you've met before!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

The NWO was at Auschwitz! This clip proves it! Ooh, graffiti on the NO WAY OUT sign...I think Edge just got another phone call from 1998
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

Commentators shill "Space Jam" - immediately following an ad for "Space Jam" - WELL DONE, UPN. WELL DONE
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

Booker T stars in this ad for Hungry Man - boy, that Booker T sure likes his...fried chicken....HEY WAIT A MINUTE I AM OUTRAGED
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago - we replay practically the entire segment in case you were preparing a snack
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

KURT ANGLE (hosts Heat Sunday) and MR. JERICHO (with No Way Out is brought to you by WWF Shop Zone dot com v. THE NEW MAN in a four website handicap match - hey, why don't you read another letter while we sit through just over two minutes of Triple H's entrance?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 7.2.2002

Stone Cold Steve Austin appears on Mad TV Saturday! Check your local listings because we can't say "Tune in to FOX" on TNN!
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

Triple H reacts to his monitor. Probably thinking "WHY isn't this monitor working? WHY?"
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

Lawler laments the presence of "Godfather-lite" and both commentators start to bury the "escort service" idea with all the subtlety of the Comic Book Guy. Well, maybe somebody's got their finger on the pulse of the fandom after all...by which I mean me. CROW CROW CROW.
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

Awesome segment for Jericho....man, NOW do you take Jericho seriously? Well, Ross doesn't. "Oh, Jericho...you're in trouble now! You're in trouble, champ! ...I want to marry Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

Hey, when Lawler says things like "My Crouching Tiger has become a Hidden Dragon," does he even *realise* that THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE?
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

van Dam can only make MEAN faces at the screen in return. Grrrrr! I'm Rob van Dam! Grrrrr!
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

THE NEW MAN seems rather jovial as he walks out to the ring decked out in tux, bow tie and boutonniere - still, he seems kinda lost without a big thing of water to swig and pour on himself and spit out and stuff.
WWF RAW 11.2.2002

Let Us Take You Back to Monday - hey, you know what would be cool? Come closer, this is gonna be profound. You know how they distill hours and hours of clips from RAW into a three minute bit on SmackDown!? Man, wouldn't it - wouldn't it be COOL if they could just PRE-edit things down to three minutes and then show it on RAW? 'cause, see....if I can see this three minute special here on SmackDown!, then can you tell me why I - or any other television viewer - actually want to invest all that extra time watching it WITH all the filler on Monday?
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

I have to be honest with you - I switched between the Kings/Wizards game on AND the Olympic curling as soon as I heard the catchy phrase "Daddy's Little Girl" - I mean, damn...I used to NEVER change the channel when the WWF was on. Let's pick things up in nine minutes...
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Long, involved removing of the robes is cut short when the APA decide they've had enough of all this gaiety and start pounding ass like only they can-- wait.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Sorry, Justin. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm HALF-ASSING IT.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Jericho now casts furtive glances over his shoulder at every opportunity. The word "coffee" is not mentioned.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Angle promises that he and Undertaker will take care of Triple H. Stephanie tries to drown out the crowd's "What?" chants with exclamations like "YEAH!" Then she....well, actually, I hit mute and fast forward. I'm pretty sure Taker didn't mention how he tried to marry her that one time.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Say, how is "Vince McMahon presents the NWO" gonna be different from "Shane McMahon presents the WCW?" I kinda hope someone's already thought up an answer to that.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

Okay, well. Yes, I did a completely halfass job tonight. I'd apologise, but I bet you'd be happier if the people who actually put together the show gave you an apology instead...and since THAT ain't gonna happen, I think I'll just chalk it up and move on.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.2.2002

WWA: Well, I was GONNA make the ten hour drive to Las Vegas JUST to cover the big pay-per-view for OO, but apparently they're more interested in ONLY having another terribly biased "we NEED to support ALTERNATIVES to the WWF (although I really hated WOW... because it had WOMEN in it)" SKRANT FROM CANADA without the presence of a "CRZ live and in person telling you up close whether it sucked or not" report to balance it out. Also, and I think this is obvious, for whatever reason they just don't *like* Online Onslaught as much as 1wrestling and THAT would be A DAMN SHAME. Still, The Mark has promised to steal at least three lines from me, so you might still want to go to your friend's house and borrow his stolen cable to watch the show. Then afterwards, you can get on the Internet and type "EDDY~!" over and over and pretend to look *really fuckin' cool*.
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

Ross says Austin was "figuratively raped," which will make lots of people happy.
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

HARDY BOYZ (with Cheata - and RAW is brought to you by nikerunning.com, Stacker 2, and truth) v. LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN - Well, they're REALLY saving money on pyro tonight - by using Storm's music and video, they've now escaped TWO expensive fireworks displays.
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

In the office, Stephanie - no.
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

Look! It's the parking lot of the Allstate Arena! Hey, that's the Cubs Fan breaking into that other guy's car!
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

Angle knows all well that H wants to make like a whale's blowhole on the apron, so he tries to attack him in mid-entrance - but H is wise to it, slips the punch, right, right, right, right - what, did the SWALLOW that water? Perish the thought!
WWF RAW 18.2.2002

HEY WE FOUND A TINY AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE PYRO BUDGET TONIGHT
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

9:39 PM: The NWO leaves - or do they? Hogan says he's got something else he needs to do

9:52 PM: It took Hogan thirteen minutes to get to the ring? Wow, doesn't that makes it look even more ludicrous? Blah blah Hogan, blah blah Rock, what's that thing I like to say sometimes...oh yeah. FUHFUHWID Don't get me wrong, I thought this was a great set of dueling in-ring promos...but dammit, I SEEN this on Monday. I'm sorry that maybe somebody missed it, but you're punishing ME by replaying what feels like THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

So do you think Austin clears it ahead of time with the stage crew? "Yeah, guys, I think I'm gonna need to drive my truck out there tonight. Can you just not put up the stage and ramp for me? I'll make it worth your while!"
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Steve Austin is WALKING! I guess he was off to find a cameraman to follow him around or something.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Austin lovingly fixes Hall's hair for him. Is this what bondage porn is like?
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Austin tenderly caresses Hall's face with his tire iron. Hey, I think he wants to DO him!
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Hall fails to look at the cameraman and beg for him to free him. Wotta dummy.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Suddenly, Patton hits his forehead as if to say "I coulda had a V-8!" but actually it's as if to say "oh, THESE are the legal men!" and counts 1, 2, 3. (5:18) Patton didn't really do any of that - I doubt the production crew could have caught it anyway.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

From RAW, Triple H steals the title shot that Kurt Angle rightfully earned and I'm just sick about it. It may not have actually happened this way...my short-term memory just isn't what it used to be since the wrestling kinda died out
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

We check on the APA...who react as if they're itching to say "damn," yet say it in a manner that's not tired and overused at all...fortunately, they don't get the chance.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Oh MAN IF ONLY Hogan and Nash could just turn on a TV! I mean, Austin just revealed his *entire* plan to them! AUSTIN'S SO STUPID - NO WAIT, HOGAN AND NASH ARE SO STUPID because they can't take advantage of this - ohhhhhh my head is really starting to hurt
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

4 WEEKS UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA X-8 WILL I HAVE GIVEN UP BY THEN
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

They get the tape off his mouth...but Austin whacks each of 'em, then slams the door of the cyclone fence wall and wheels Hall away as Nash pretends he's in jail. "There's No Way Out, get it? There's No Way Out!" (You know, those doors DO open from the other side...maybe they're just chickenshit. Nah, maybe this SHOW is chickenshit.)
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Looking at Stephanie...listening to Stephanie, I almost - I ALMOST wish even *Kevin Nash* could be in Stephanie McMahon's place in the company.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Taker thinks about storming the ring a second time...but puts up his hand instead. I don't know what he's saying, but he just pointed to his head - AHHHHAHAHAHAHA he's back on his motorcycle and driving away! Man, the Undertaker makes EVERYTHING all right
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Austin pops open a cold one, then smacks Hall with it. Austin with another beer - and a mic. Hall to his feet - ANOTHER beer to the head. See, they were right - beer ISN'T good for Hall!
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

Well, hell. That didn't take too long, now...did it. I think I'm just about to cross that fine line from "losing patience" to "completely fed up." And boy, won't THAT be fun. (For who?) For NOBODY.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.2.2002

BOOM BOOM BOOM THE PYRO BUDGET IS RESTORED and we're off and running - coming to you LIVE from the (unmentioned) Dunkin Donuts Arena in (unmentioned) Providence, RI 25.2.2 and also at WWF New York, where VAL VENIS is feeding whipped cream and strawberries to four lesbians, and what a main event we claim to have for you tonight!
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

"Austin, NOBODY has a beer party at Scott Hall's expense! Nobody embarrasses Scott Hall. Nobody humiliates Scott Hall." (Hall fails to add "...except Scott Hall")
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

Wow, Big Show's still with the company?
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

Yeah, you just *can't* have dick jokes in the ring without Triple H out there, BY GOD!
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago - and nobody had the guts to tell Ross during the break that it was a damn FISHERMANBUSTER, which ONLY happens to be Jazz' FINISHER - remember when Ross knew what people's FINISHERS were, and called them? I mean IT'S JUST SAD
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

Hall grabs a cinder block...and it EXPLODES over Austin's knee! (What, was this one of those "cement" blocks made outta styrofoam and talcum powder?)
WWF RAW 25.2.2002

What *I* wanna know is why the spinning UPN logo always goes "U-P-N-U-P-U-P-N-U-P-U-P-N" like they couldn't afford the alternate N or something - oh, hello there!
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

PYRO AWAY and so am I once again it's on the Fleet Center in Boston, MA SAP transmidito en espanol 28.2.2 (taped 26.2) what a main event we claim to have for you tonight I have run out of punctuation
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

Before he says a word, though, the NWO walk out and stand on the stage looking...well, not "scary." I don't know.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

Cut to Jericho and...oh my, I lost interest. Jericho bought the wrong brand of hand lotion and who gives a fuck.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

Maven! It's Maven! He's made it in the WWF! Because! He! Is! WALKING!!!
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

You're watching UPN! Home of the TEN MINUTE AD BREAK
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

Tajiri's on the cel phone (with ME) when Booker T returns to get his shampoo - T steals the phone and says a bunch of stuff to me, thinking I'm the Japanese shampoo people. I can't even get a word in edgewise!
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

OH BOY! IT'S THE JAPANESE SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL FEUD! If THAT don't make you call the neighbours...boy, I don't know what else I can do for you.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002

Let Us Take You Back To RAW. Stephanie: "Dick joke!" Triple H: "Chooch joke!" "Indignant!" "Another chooch joke - I take best-of-3!" "SCREECHY CATERWAULING"
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.2.2002
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