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The 7 - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWF/WWE - May
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Andouille
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Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

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#1 Posted on 30.12.02 1232.21
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1233.10
May I just observe that since taking on Rico (the Stylist), the tag team champions have made a grand total of ZERO stylistical changes?
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

...right, right, right, headbutt - no no, you can't headbutt a Samoan but I do admire the nostalgia trip
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

Cole tells us Edge had him in TEARS last week from his humourous antics. Cole is a giant wussy, coincidentally.
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

Excuse me, but what the hell is an "agreement of reciprocity?" They've tried to explain it three times now, and it hasn't made any sense a single ONE of those times. Is this a case of "why make sense when we can use A BIG WORD" or what?
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

Back in the ring, Faarooq ducks the Wotsitolla Boot, gives Test the spinebuster, but Christian is the legal man, and he's the one hitting the Unprettier for the 1, 2, 3. (3:35) Cole finds irony in Test & Christian stealing one when D-Von preaches "thou shalt not steal." Cole is a big wussy.
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

H stays in with Hogan. Play Motorhead again - it's cheaper than the Hendrix!
WWF SMACKDOWN 2.5.2002

TONIGHT: Here's your first look at the new "WW" logo in the corner. OMG THEY CASTRATED THEIR LOGO - I can see it now: "We're just like the *old* WWF...only we have no dicks" - no sir, I don't like it
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Now would it KILL them to keep saying "World Wrestling Federation," though? Honestly, can't you use the name without using the acronym? Come to think of it, why not ADD a penis to the logo instead of lopping off two? I guess this is why I'm not a.... business......guy.
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

And here's a new promotional spot - a woman carves the old WWF logo into her hedge, castrates it, then sets it on fire until only the scratch WW remains. Tag: "Get the F out" - funny, that's EXACTLY what I was thinking
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Lawler proves that despite his unflagging efforts to prove otherwise, he actually HAS no balls by cheerfully chirping "We're getting the F out! Huh huh this is great!"
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Scorpion King ad - aka "I jobbed to Spidey"
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. Wow, I never thought I'd be praising Jim Ross but he looks like the ONLY guy on this show with enough balls to keep wearing the old WWF logo.
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Here comes AWESOME - NO, WAIT, THAT'S YOU KNOW WHO driving out to "Rollin'" on Taker's ride - how did HE get those steps to stand on end like that?
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

Hogan calls for Taker. "Come out you damn piece of crap!" HEY that's MY Undertaker you're talking about there, old man.
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

UP NEXT: Ric Flair, Stone Cold, Bradshaw, the NWO, and a special surprise appearance by SAVIO VEGA! (Maybe)
WWE RAW 6.5.2002

McMahon walks to ringside like a man who's had TWO penises castrated from his double W.
WWE SMACKDOWN 9.5.2002

Save is made by THE BIG VALBOWSKI - umm, sure, why not. I guess he just wanted to hear his music tonight.
WWE SMACKDOWN 9.5.2002

And then HOGAN does HIS Big Show impersonation...adding that "it's time to show them who really reeks of awesomeness, brother!" "That was so cool - he called me 'brother!'" Yeah, he *never* does that to *anybody*.
WWE SMACKDOWN 9.5.2002

Who had sixteen minutes in the "Jim Ross mistakenly says 'WWF' pool?"
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

Perhaps you've already noticed that I'm not really botering with play-by-play during these more, shall we say, worthless matches.
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

Ross intimates Patrick is deaf - hey, that's MY gig!
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

Coming Back Live, Taker drags him back the way he came - then swings him into the OH NO KLANGY POLES AND CARDBOARD BOXES OH NO!!!
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

Thank you sir, may I have another?
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

The "WW" logo now has the word "Entertainment" underneath it so as to be less confusing. I *still* say it's castration, but hey...maybe Vince doesn't *mind* a little castration now and then.
WWE RAW 13.5.2002

TONIGHT: A swimsuit competition! Torrie vs. Stacy - winner gets her last name back!
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

H's new website domain, when pronounced, sounds like a lot of people reacting to my purple text - WWEHHH....
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

"Vince, you knock me down, I am gonna get right back up and get back in your face. And every single time I get up, I'm gonna get that much closer to you, Vince - and sooner or later, I'm gonna get close enough, and when I do, I am gonna chew you up and spit you out. Now..." Pause for "Triple H" chant. Chumbawumba's attorneys are on the phone, by the way.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

(WOW it's embarrassing watching Valbowski try to stoke up the crowd from his corner - and have absolutely no effect)
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Maven wishes Torrie good luck in the swimsuit contest - and by the way, would they like to go get a bite to eat and maybe have a couple drinks? She says yes RIGHT AWAY, which proves that wrestling IS fake.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

D-Von calls Torrie a "bleached blonde Jezebel," which makes Maven take offense - well, at least he didn't say "white woman" while he was at it
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

They have helpfully added "Oh, Testify!" to the beginning of D-Von's music just in case we get confused as to which WWE Superstar comes to the ring to organ music.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Rob van Dam has another Slurpee - he's sure in a craving for sugar kinda mood, isn't he? Wonder what's up with that
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Cole: "Boy, Kid Rock was right - Stacy, indeed, has legs." As if Cole were to say "Boy, she's just a stump of a torso!" otherwise. Well, I'd have been down with that, actually.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Okay, some writer needs to be shot.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

SQUASH - yes. 1, 2, 3. (2:05) Two minute special, two minute special, two minute special... hee hee, fat man dancing take almost as long as match
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new cruiserweight champion. (2:22) WOW AND IT WENT ALMOST TWO AND A HALF MINUTES!!!! Must have been becuase three men were in it...
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Well, he's standing next to the mountain - he chop it down with the edge of his hand. YOU KNOW WHO is on his way to the ring, and for some reason I reckon I've got a lot of time to type before Hogan can limp his way into the ring and start talking. Well, he *did* manage to make it into the ring before the 90 second mark. The music is still playing, and now might be a time to mention the irony of these entrances taking longer than EVERY match we've seen thus far...well, perhaps "irony" is the wrong word. "Patheticness?" "Problem?" Maybe a more appropriate use of "irony" is the observation that entrances...and waiting for the crowd to stop chanting...*these* are things that *you don't even need writers for.* I wonder if the writers could catch on to this - yet I shudder to consider what they could possibly do if they DID figure this out. Well, we're up to four minutes now. Hogan just keeps shaking his head. I'm shaking MY head, too - but I reckon we have different reasons for what we're doing. To be positive (for once), though, I have to give props to Tazz and Cole for shutting the hell up and letting the crowd tell the story here. Unlike me - I'm gonna keep bitching about how we're now up to FIVE minutes from the start of the Hendrix and no words yet from Hogan. Hogan drops his mic and almost forgets his limp as he heads for the ropes to shake his head in disbelief. This may have been great at the live event, but IS IT GOOD TELEVISION? Where's my WRESTLING? SIX minutes! Of course, this is Montreal - where they still talk about Earl screwing Bret like it happened yesterday, so you can understand how they might still be living ten or twelve years in the past.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

"No Chance in Hell" plays - and what could possibly make this segment better than if BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks down to the ring and kills off some MORE of this show.
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

Okay, so Hogan admits he's in denial about reality. Ha ha, he ain't alone, folks!
WWE SMACKDOWN 16.5.2002

See, even BRITISH folk occasionally can't figure out what Regal's saying behind that accent!
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Every time I hear one of these lame TNN answering machine message promos, I'm tempted to call up and cut one of my own. Fortunately, it passes - you don't REALLY need to hear my Vince imitation...yet
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

COLONOSCOPYRO!
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Play van Dam's music! He needs to point to himself IN ANGER!!
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Kurt Angle (with hair) urges you to buy some angina - no, wait
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Robert Lamb and Joyride have asked me to remind you that Jeff's white hanky in his back right pants pocket *may* mean he'll do us both," if you're into that sort of thing...assuming Jeff is into that sort of thing, wink wink. This has been a [slash] public service announcement - bringing the gay since 1998
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Lawler: "I would LOVE to watch these two guys go at it one on one." HEY!
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Trish affects her best "Lifetime afternon movie lead" face. Wow, I can actually FEEL the regression taking place before my very eyes!
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

How can Hogan retire if they signed him for three years? Must have been a salary cap move.
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Last night at Judgment Day (courtesy: the encore), Booker T was involved in this hilarious series of vignettes that you may have paid $34.95 for not knowing you'd see it for free tonight. Why exactly Book let a cameraman follow him all the way to the Marriot is unclear. At least tonight, Book's bare ass gets the Japanese Region 2 DVD treatment.
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Nash Diesels over the top rope and joins the fray. Hokey smokes his hair is so LIGHT and FAIRY - I mean AIRY now.
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Okay, listen up. I only want THREE things out of this match. ONE, Lawler drops the fistdrop. TWO, Lawler throws the dropkick. THREE, Raven finds a way to win. Give me these three and this will be the GREATEST MATCH EVER.
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

Man, Mick Foley sure sounds like he's on the helium for this Pam Anderson ad voiceover, doesn't he?
WWE RAW 20.5.2002

SO THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GETTING THEIR IDEAS: I don't want to alarm anyone, but this week, somebody from the WWF read an ENTIRE five month block of my Nitro reports. We all shudder to think. (Which five months?) Hey now, we gotta keep SOME of our trade secrets over here, gang...
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

Okay, I've wasted enough time....I guess...

(An hour later) Okay, NOW I've wasted enough time. You know, there sure can be an awful lot of stuff to look at out there on the big ol' Web...sorry
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

STACY KEIBLER is allegedly dancing on the commentary table when we come back. Cole: "I'm BEGGING ya to pay attention to the product." Funny, that looks EXACTLY like what he's doing.
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

Stacy delivers her lines with all the intensity of someone who needs to read a 3x5 card with "(sultry) I attend to each and every one of his needs" on it.
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

"Hulkamania" magazine ad - hurry up and buy it before you decide you're TIRED of him
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago, Storm said something about oats
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

Isn't White a little OLD to have people calling him "Timmy?"
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

Hoo-ee! And to think, that bait and switch always worked SO well for the LAST company that tried it!
WWE SMACKDOWN 23.5.2002

As another chant begins, Benoit decides to go to the second rope one more time - and why not? The chant continues - hey, this guy's just like Hogan! Except not.
WWE RAW 27.5.2002

Benoit shoves him down - and Flair immediately calls for Security. At least, I think that's what he meant when he said "Security!" about a million times (okay, seven). Three CANADIAN SECURITY GUYS (no *wonder* they were so slow) finally appear at ringside.
WWE RAW 27.5.2002

T walks out on his own - 'Pac follows displaying no discernible emotion of any kind, save mugging for the cameras...which is too bad, because I'm pretty sure there's some sort of story someone's trying to tell here...if only they'd let me in on it!
WWE RAW 27.5.2002

Say, why DOES X-Pac need to "stooge it off?" I mean, isn't Nash *watching* THIS show? If not, SHOULDN'T he be? I mean, he's not exactly setting a good example for the viewing audience by not viewing the product...oops, this match is over already. (Curtain Call II -> pin 1:03)
WWE RAW 27.5.2002

LAST THURSDAY: Man, LISTEN to Cole - "Experience Hulkamania for the very last time" - ha ha, *suckaaaaa* - well gee THIS is about two minutes worth of FUHFUHWID
WWE SMACKDOWN 30.5.2002

CHEMOTHERAPYRO!
WWE SMACKDOWN 30.5.2002

At the Magic Window, MARC LLLLLLLOYD stands with Hulk Hogan - pause for Canadian cheers - okay, let's move on. No, really, I'm bored. C'mon. Geez, look at 'em both sitting there grinning like idiots. C'MON! Hey, I just came up with a joke: what do you need to know about Canadian cheers? They're only worth about .65 American HAW HAW HAW
WWE SMACKDOWN 30.5.2002

Remember when these two went like eight minutes during RAW and we all thought such great things were to come? Seems like eons ago. I guess instead of trending negative with sentences like that, I *should* be saying "isn't it interesting that they're trying to sell long-term effects of a Hell in the Cell matchup by continuing to say they're *still* not quite 100% 'ten days later?'" but then again, what's the fun in that. More fun to say "wow, they sure blew it with Test back then, didn't they?" and THEN move on. If you're wondering how I can manage to say all this, consider the length of the entrances!
WWE SMACKDOWN 30.5.2002

I must say, I sure enjoy a show completely lacking in segments solely consisting of people yammering in the ring for ten to twenty minutes. Oh! So THAT'S what it was!
WWE SMACKDOWN 30.5.2002
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