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The 7 - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWE - July
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Andouille
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Since: 3.1.02
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#1 Posted on 30.12.02 1224.58
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1226.36
Ross just can't WAIT to say "ruthless aggression" because he knows how much I HATE IT
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

Lesnar stands eye to eye...and pulls on the mic, still in Flair's hand. "You're in the wrong place...the wrong year...with the wrong guy." He fails to add "I will break you," so that's a bit of a personal disappointment.
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up with Jackie Gayda as she gets made up - then hits on her. HE'S GOT JUNGLE FEVER
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

Lawler displays Nowinski's class ring - say, do you believe he's a real live Harvard graduate yet? You know, maybe instead of explaining *over and over* how Nowinski is a Harvard graduate, perhaps they could explain to me JUST ONE TIME how Nowinski can pin Bradshaw last week and NOT win the damn hardcore title.
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

Regal with a running knee to the head (which I am now supposed to call a "shining wizard" for the sake of my nonexistent street cred)
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

Keep it under your hats, guys, but I think they may have made Heyman an "agent" just so Ross can make "shooty" comments about "agents." (I am pointing to the side of my nose in knowing fashion here)
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

Guerrero goes back to back over him and fails to land on his feet, but does a Conquistador roll to his corner and makes the tag. BENOIT IS IN AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD SMARK SMARK SMARK SMARK SMARK SMARK SMARK SMARK okay I'm better now - let's see him go.
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

We take another look at the title belt hanging high above the ring. Hey, how come nobody has looked up at it tonight when they've been in the ring? I mean, shouldn't we at least have gotten Paul & Brock glancing and pointing to the title *once* or something? I mean, if the title's as big as they want us to BELIEVE it is....eh, must be a lack of thoughtful writing
WWE RAW 1.7.2002

TV'S LILIAN GARCIA is in the ring to sing "America the Beautiful." Hey, she's a RAW worker, isn't she? BRAND EXTENSION, MY ASS!
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

From last week, Randy Orton's sell job does more to make the internet cream over Batista than anything else - but how many people did you see giving ups to Orton? (Well, besides in this paragraph, sure)
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

Stacker 2 ad features people who drive racecars and AHHHHH IVORY'S BREASTS ARE COMING RIGHT AT ME
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

Bob Holly's a big star in "Operation Sandman: Warriors in Hell!" Be sure and watch it...'cause he'll never be in another one
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

I mean, if I am gonna get on their case for not having Billy & Chuck do "gay" stuff, I should at least give them props for actually writing it in, right? Well, you'd THINK that...but see, I have this DOUBLE STANDARD and...!
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

TORRIE SAMUDA (with Subway presents Vengeance!) v. STACY KEIBLER in a bra & panties match
referee: Sparks
"Highlight" of this match is Wilson & Keibler persisting in attempting to generate near falls - and Sparks' stubborn refusal to even drop down and slap the canvas because PINFALLS DON'T COUNT IN THIS MATCH YA DUMB BLONDES.
WWE SMACKDOWN 4.7.2002

Everywhere I put ellipses is probably Eddie talkin' in a language I don't speak.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Jonathan Coachman can't contain his shit eatin' grin as he is bookended by Trish Stratus and Jackie Gayda.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Wow, here comes Chris Nowinski to find a way to add even LESS acting talent to this mix.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Earlier Tonight, Jeff Hardy arrived - and was STILL feeling his side from the punishment of that match - or else he just forgot to eat (food) again and his tummy was rumbling.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

GOOD OL' JR quickly makes sure we all know he had *nothing* to do with that by dropping his infamous "bowling shoe" bomb. Not to suggest that it wouldn't be a good idea to put Jackie back on the taped show, but there's *gotta* be better ways that live burial on nationwide television.....?
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

This is certainly an.....*interesting* way to make use of Ric Flair, isn't it? I rolled my eyes there, in case you couldn't tell.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Well, at least Dreamer has *finally* managed to appear on RAW more times than Raven has since they had that "loser never appears again on RAW" match, making that gimmick actually feel like it has some meaning... Hey, you know something, that gimmick worked SO WELL...that they haven't bothered to repeat it ONCE with any other wrestlers? No, they opted instead to simply brand some wrestlers as "Heat-exclusive" without the formality of a RAW match, yuk yuk.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

JONATHAN COACHMAN is in the front row to interview PAT CROCE - who may wish to consider switching to decaf.
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Hardy does a lot of looking at the belt, then not looking at the belt - in time with the music. It's hypnotic! Belt...shiny!
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Tag to Show. Well it's the big headbutt. Shoved into the corner. Well it's the big open-handed slap. Well it's the big hiptoss. The pace has...what's the opposite of "quickened?"
WWE RAW 8.7.2002

Wow, seeing Billy straddle the top rope while sitting on the middle rope is easily the gayest thing I've seen him do in a while - bravo!
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

Michael Cole thanks some of us "for making last week's SmackDown! the #1 show for young men on Thursday nights." Man, talk about a niche.
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

Wow, what could *possibly* be next on The Rock Happy Family Smile Time Variety Hour? I CAN'T WAIT it's times like this I wish I'd read the spoilers.
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

Storm & Christian join the commentary team and try to tie Enron and Worldcom to the global socioeconomic...um...whatever.
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

In the Room of Fun, Stacy removes Vince's jacket...nah I ain't got time for THIS shit, either
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

Yikes, Kidman is now wearing *sparkly* trunks - but only the front half is sparkly. "Look at my crotch!" they seem to say. But I'd really rather not!
WWE SMACKDOWN 11.7.2002

Wow, don't tell *me* that the WWE isn't influenced by the TNA cards - do you really think they'd throw out six guys to wrestle to five decisions if we hadn't had those big main events on Wednesdays of late? Not that it's a particularly good idea to be influenced by matches no one's watching, but par for the course these days.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Well, they've eliminated practically everybody, right? It can only be one person, folks - that's right...SAVIO VEGA
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

The problem with all the referring to "Singapore canes" this week is that, for the past umpteen years or so, WWF television has referred to them as "kendo sticks" and just because you're engaging in a little ECWspeak doesn't mean you're going to undo all that history. By the way, ECW has been bankrupt for about a year and a half, but by all means don't let that affect your ability to constantly attempt to dredge them up there, WWE powers that be. It's GOLDEN LIKE GRAHAMS.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Ha ha, Ross said "kendo stick" again - up yours, Paul Heyman!
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Hey Tommy, thanks for blading for a four minute special. We'll at least give you a replay of you...taking the Stevenkick. Oh, HERE'S the finish.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Go back and watch Bischoff's hands shake during this. Maybe he remembers that the same guy who turned that "struggling franchise into a national media powerhouse" ALSO happeend to be the same guy that turned it right back around into the lifeless husk that Vince scooped up. Of course, that conflicts with the fact that Bischoff kept bringing up things that happened seven years ago and presumably expected the live audience to have any GLIMMER of remembering what he was talking about. Bottom line is this is incredibly fucking depressing. What happened to you, WWF? You used to be cool.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

And he walks off, leaving Bischoff to make a GLARE... oh boy, I think I heard somebody say "we're out!" WCW IS BACK, BABY!
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

"Coming in 10 days to SmackDown!" Man, I hope that new RAW GM *immediately* puts a ban on ads for the other brand! Of course, why bother with making sense or anything?
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Off they go... Jesus, it's a good thing The Undertaker doesn't watch the television, isn't it? I mean, and he probably didn't even tape this show to watch later, so he'll probably never EVER see this, right? RIGHT? HA
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

It's been, gosh, twenty minutes since we've seen Eric Bischoff, so let's check on him.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same old hardcore champion. (6:40)
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

As the smoke from van Dam's pyro waves its way through the smoke-filled arena (hey!) it's Flair and Taker starting. Remember when these guys were pals? Of course you do NOT, because it was 1991.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Funny! The TNN bumper asks "Are you oblivious? Find out this August!" I think we've found out ALREADY, gang.
WWE RAW 15.7.2002

Opening Credits - if they were REALLY serious about him, don't you think they'd put John Cena in here instead of splicing in new shots of Torrie Wilson in a bikini? Just saying
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

Cena is wearing YELLOW this week - people seem to care a lot about this, so I provide the information as a public service.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

Okay, I'm *already* tired of ads for the Dana Carvey movie. That Dana Carvie. I don't care if he's turtley enough for the turtle club or not, I want him to SHUT HIS MOUTH and GO AWAY
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

The "Velocity" ramp lighting and ring aprons are out - and nobody's sitting at the commentary table, yet the disembodied voice of Cole still says "hey, look at that ad for our hot new show, 'Velocity!'" and that's INCREDIBLY WEAK but I suppose better than just pretending it ain't there.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

Holly with the Probably Not Best Dropkick in the Business But The Name's Stuck For Good.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

Billy shakes him, but celebrates a bit too long and Holly gives him the Best Crotch Kick in the Business
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

Harrison Ford is a military expert and hearing him talk about his movie sounds a little bit like if you read this sentence in a monotone with no pauses by which I mean while he is saying words like "engaging" and "compelling" what he really means is "droning" and "boring" and ac tu al ly as I think a bout it Har ri son Ford real ly is n't much of an ex pert on an y thing ex cept per haps dro ning on in this mon no tone with no pauses or stops or in deed ev er chan ging for okay I'm done now. don't see his movie
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

From RAW, Vince McMahon introduces his general manager of RAW...and I turn out the lights
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

"STEPHANIE McMAHON!" And there she is, complete with new music, new business suit, old hair, old (new) fake breasts, and she still can't write.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

You may have been wondering - Triple H first threatened divorce back on *11 February* - say, that's over five months ago. Now I admit I've never gone through a divorce, but do they REALLY take THIS long? Come on.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Heyman was back in what, four months? I'll take that long in the pool. - CRZ, 25 March 2002, after Stephanie was pinned in a "if Stephanie is pinned, she leaves the WWF" match - okay, so I missed it by ONE week... YOU didn't do any better with YOUR prediction.
WWE SMACKDOWN 18.7.2002

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - ah fuck, it's a big picture of Bischoff's mug instead of the WW logo - HEY! This is what makes people TURN OFF THE SHOW
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Opening Credits probably DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BISCHOFF WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

We take a look at our hosts, now positioned next to the stage...amazingly enough, they have NOT been replaced in the first hour by Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbyszko. Yet.
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Man, entrances are *great* - let's just have entrances for two hours!
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

The music is up and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER drives out - damn, how did those STEEL steps rise up onto their ends and out of the way of - hey wait, I see DUDES there! They must be soulless minions of Big Evil's Red Devil Underwood Deviled Ham Team Evil. What?
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Jesus Christ, what are they giving BOTH of these guys to work with tonight?
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Man, that's gotta be one of the weakest setups in RAW's long history.
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Wow, is Spike WHITE.
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Yep, familiar music, familiar entrance - is it just me or did they go back to the ol' crotch chop a little LIGHTNING quick after getting the PTC settlement?
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Lesnar looks down at the title - and back at Rock - then does it many more times. I guess with Jeff Hardy not having a belt anymore, SOMEBODY's gotta do that.
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

As Bischoff shouts after the departing limo, it sounds like he and Stephanie are having a last word contest...and I bet that last word is TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES TESTICLES
WWE RAW 22.7.2002

Confidential ad - Randy Orton talks about military prison - THAT'LL bring viewers, boy!
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

Anyway, must be a brief stop on the Velocity-exclusive track for Albert - too bad for him. Albert quickly hits a bicycle kick to let us know what he thinks of Velocity.
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

Banzai Drop coming up - oh, it's the "Rump Shaker" now - oh well. Rest in peace, Yokozuna.
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

Tazz tells us it's an exciting time to be a wrestling fan - keep saying it and SOMEONE will believe it.
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

Tazz starts talking about masks being sacred but forgets to mention that every website on earth made that "Rey would be lynched in Mexico" smarkass comment.
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

The cage has lowered - and we didn't even get to hear "Theme from Cage Lowering!"
WWE SMACKDOWN 25.7.2002

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion.
...
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new new hardcore champion.
...
Ladies and yadda yadda yadda.
WWE RAW 29.7.2002

While I have a moment, I should probably note that there's a picture of Bischoff affixed to the front of the commentary table. I don't know WHY I should, but there you go.
WWE RAW 29.7.2002

Ross actually confuses Mae with Moolah, so he doesn't just limit that to the youngsters. Are you reassured?
WWE RAW 29.7.2002

Me, I think it was FIT FINLAY that done it - and wow, isn't it weird to see Finlay and Regal so close together in a parking lot and not brawling?
WWE RAW 29.7.2002

Garcia not only forgets Flair's weight but also his city, opting instead for "the great state of North Carolina" - yipe.
WWE RAW 29.7.2002
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