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The 7 - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWE - September
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Andouille
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Since: 3.1.02
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#1 Posted on 30.12.02 1218.08
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1218.32
THE WIFESWAPPER kicks if off, as he so often seems to these days. Maybe *that's* why this show always seems worse than the other one...naaah.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

I tend to think they script segments like that just to rile up the tOA Crew.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

HYMEN HYMEN HYMEN nah.

If Lawler DIED, I'd be more relieved that sad.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

Down goes Molly, and Nowinski falls between her legs - HA HA HA HE'S EATING HER OUT HA HA HA MOST FUNNIEST THING EVER I'M WRITING MY CONGRESSMAN.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

H is kind enough to keep selling the figure four post-match, so it's really hard to complain about this match - not that that won't stop a hell of a lot of people from trying.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

ZING - Bischoff was outsmarted by MR. HEAT EXCLUSIVE HIMSELF, CRASH. WAY TO GO.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

Bischoff *almost* seems geniunely guilty about the fact that he just took another year off Hardy's life.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

STACY KEIBLER v. TERRI in a lingerie pillow fight - Maybe I'm gay - anyway, Terri wins. (1:44)
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

H covers - 1, 2, Hebner does his stupid foot shuffle which gives away a no count EVERY time - arrrrrrgh.
WWE RAW 2.9.2002

Billy pulls him up - hard into the corner, right hand, gutshot, right hand - I could make ice cream between moves here.
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

Tazz says it's great that they've decided to extend their tag team partnership for so long - so Cole explains it to him. Cole KNOWING makes it funny on a different level, doesn't it?
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

I think the best part is just hearing Tazz and Cole say "tigerbomb" and knowing it's REALLY going to piss off a few people who NEVER like hearing the name of that move.
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From Velocity, Mark Henry presses Albert and drops him. I guess he was wearing boots at the time.
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

Tajiri points to his head in the international sign of smartitude!
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

Say, I wonder what Angle did to have to wear that scarlet letter "A" on his chest - man look like a big ol' candy cane.
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

Wow, Cole actually brings up the old hair match between these two - that kind of continuity will make my eyes bug out. See my eyes? Ah.
WWE SMACKDOWN 5.9.2002

So am I just *looking* for news to report in order to avoid writing up this show? MAYBE
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

While I was watching the Capital Gang on Saturday, I couldn't help but notice the Un-Americans' theme music was being used as background for ads in the New Hampshire Senatorial primary (Republican side). Somehow, I managed to avoid immediately emailing Wade and trying to get my name attached to the "obscure wrestling reference of the day" - hell, someone else has probably already noticed this if only I'd bother to go visit their site anymore, right?
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Apparently, Lawler's balls have shrunk again because his voice immediately goes up THREE octaves.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Lawler has binoculars. Unfortunately, he ALSO still has a working headset.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Ross: "This is one for truck drivers! This is one for the folks who work their ass off for an hourly wage!" Geez, and we worry about wrestling fans being stereotyped...
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Say, can I tell you how "hip" and "edgy" lesbians are in 2002? Last weekend, my FATHER was telling lesbian jokes. Come to think of it, my father is about Vince's age...
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes - AND RAW is brought to you by Skittles, Lugz and Castrol Motor Oily!) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 150 pounds) in a nontitle match
referee: CHAD PATTON
First of all, I can appreciate the idea behind this matchup but let's face facts - this ain't 1999 and Spike ain't Taka Michinoku.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Someone should pull Hardy in front of Steve Blackman's "one way OR ANOTHER!" interview with Terry Taylor so he could learn that SHOUTING DOES NOT EQUAL DRAMA
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Matt Pinfield wants you to buy "Forceable Entry!" Wow, he made it out of rehab? (Are you sure about that? I mean, he DOES want you to buy "Forceable Entry")
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

You know what, calling him "Fucking Lawler" doesn't make much sense. It implies that he's getting some. Obviously, he's getting NONE or he wouldn't be such a freakin' horndog on commentary. This might not be the best fact to advertise to a nation of millions, come to think of it.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Speaking of which, when we come back, THE WIFESWAPPER is again in the ring and have you noticed how he seems to start every monologue with "You know, this commitment ceremony that's gonna be on SmackDown! Thursday is nothing but a cheap publicity stunt designed to get ratings..." Is that the kind of thing you want to make public?
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Chyron helpfully displays "THE LESBIANS" - thanks, I wasn't sure.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

You know, I defy you to find the LAST time Hebner made a call based on something he DID NOT see. This is why, while I'm sure what they were going for is that I *should* be *happy* that I got to see Jericho use some brainpower and extreme cleverness, I am instead *incredibly annoyed* that all of a sudden Hebner is gonna make a brain-dead call like this. It goes against his established character! It defies the internal logic of this show! IT IS BAD BY GOD WRITING! Not that anybody cares about that anymore...
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Crowd chants "RVD" while Ross exercises his word power by giving us his semiannual use of "surcease" in commentary.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Triple H's expression changes - he almost seems unnerved that van Dam won. Man, I'd be anxious, too, if I were Triple H! That guy NEVER stays down for a three count no matter HOW many finishers you hit 'im with!
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

But I WILL say that Jerry Lawler definitely needs to get another wife, get her hired by the WWE, and then QUIT when she gets fired. STAT. Or perhaps he could get caught for some hideous sexcrime, be sent to prison and get anally raped repeatedly. Either way. I'm not picky.
WWE RAW 9.9.2002

Speaking of which - here he is! He's WALKING! And behind him is Sara! Wow, she *is* pregnant! And WALKING! Presumably the unborn child is SWIMMING! Let's MOVE ON!
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

Chavo pulls down his pants and wedgies himself (hello to all the queer folks watching tonight!)
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

While describing the media blitz in anticipation of tonight's festivities...did Tazz just call Matt Lauer a "tomato?"
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

Matt Pinfield wants you to pick up "WWE Forceable Entry!" If he REALLY wanted me to pick up a copy, he'd threaten to bring "Farm Club" back on the air if I DIDN'T pick one up
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

The trio up onstage break into "It's Raining Men" - man, would it have cost THAT much more to actually get The Weather Girls? This is probably the best time for me to drop in that I have one of the finest collections of Sylvester 12" singles in the world - or perhaps not.
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

Well.

So, I guess this made you more likely to eagerly anticipate Billy & Chuck's next match...?

Rico's?

Godfather's?

Well, certainly this made you more likely to spend $34.99 on Unforgiven... ...?

Well, bloody hell, I'm not exactly sure just WHAT they accomplished besides get Stephanie a lot of screen time on "Extra"... of course, they (like the New York Post, USA Today, &c.) will probably make doubly sure that, having treated THIS story seriously, they'll not get burned again when the NEXT "big WWE story" breaks.

Of course, the "Today" folks have only themselves to blame for booking Billy & Chuck without checking the spoiler reports first...right?
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

He tries to make her flinch, but she can't act - I mean, she's PETRIFIED.
WWE SMACKDOWN 12.9.2002

Isn't it great how they always seem to trot out Vince to suck up to "his" audience? Like, he's all "The general public simply doesn't give our audience credit for their level of sophistication and sense of humour" and you know the whole time he's thinking "THAT oughta hold those little SOBs. MARK MARK MARK MARK MARK" and so on.
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

LAST THURSDAY: How come the RAW guys can get their hands on this SmackDown! footage and air it on their show, anyway? Aren't they in COMPETITION?
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

Oops, the Dudleyz pyro fails to go off. That music just doesn't pack that punch without those big explosions, does it? Also funny is Lawler yelling out "INCOMING!!!" and then nothing happens. (I've heard tell that that's ALSO how he performs in bed! Ba dum bum.)
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

At any rate, ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA is *so* rattled as a result of all this non-commotion that she overshoots the last known combined weight of the Dudleyz by fifty to seventy pounds, depending on what they're claiming Bubba as THIS week.
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

Bubba shows off his shins this week - "pasty" would be a proper, if unkind description.
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

There's like a MOTH in the ring, and it's drawn to van Dam's tights. That's BIZARRE.
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

By the way, did we ever figure out what "MY FUTURE IS CLEAR / A DATE WITH THE DEVIL / A DANCE WITH HIS MISTRESS / MY PATH IS CHOSEN" means? And by "we," I mean "the writers?"
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

Golly! In this "Forceable Entry" ad, Matt Pinfield sure sounds like he's back on the stuff, doesn't he?
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

Ross actually remembers Hardy beat Triple H for the intercontinental title once upon a time! Of course, he forgot that a week later...well, that's too cynical of me.
WWE RAW 16.9.2002

UPN HYPE OF THE WEEK: "The Twilight Zone" - man, Forest Whitaker looks DOWN, doesn't he? I wonder if it's 'cause the only TV project he can get is a remake of an old show from some dead white guy ooooops let's move on
WWE SMACKDOWN 19.9.2002

Rey with a gutshot, hops on his back as if to sunset flip but instead flips BACK into the powerbomb! (That's Amazing Red's "Code Red" if you're following TNA - or wanted to - or, if you're Cole, the "What the hell was THAT?!")
WWE SMACKDOWN 19.9.2002

"Oh, that's real cute, Chuck. If you're trying to imply that I'm gay...well I'm not. Hey - hey, I don't have a problem with gays...in fact, gay people LOVE me! EVERYBODY loves me! I'm freakin' adorable!" He is, you know.
WWE SMACKDOWN 19.9.2002

From her desk, Stephanie introduces Eric Bischoff for a split-screen simulcast. I am experiencing great pain...ain't no way in HELL I'm gonna transcribe this crap.
WWE SMACKDOWN 19.9.2002

Hey, the ring announcer gets some chyron love - let's all hear it for JASON ROBERTS. Did you ever see that SNL skit where Jimmy Smits goes to work at a television station and EVERYBODY there overexaggerates their Latino pronunciation of every word? Even Bob Costas! ("The 49ers of sonfronSEESco!") That's kinda how Roberts sounds. Also, I'm just jealous so pay me no heed.
WWE SMACKDOWN 19.9.2002

TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Bischoff (one of these things is not like the others)
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

Show said A LOT during this, actually - he must have known this was all the mic time he'd get tonight. No explanation, however, for the following gleaned quotes from Hardy, Dudley, Kane and Richards: "..."
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

Bischoff is peeved at Rico, wondering why he didn't come out when he was wearing Rikishi's ass as a hat.
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba) - if you actually bought and used ephedra-free Stacker 2, wouldn't you kinda be missing the point? I mean, that'd be like drinking decaf because you enjoy the TASTE of coffee - that's just not what it's ABOUT. It's a CAFFEINE DELIVERY SYSTEM. Stacker 2 is an EPHEDRA DELIVERY SYSTEM. I mean....ah hell, in reality I have no idea what I'm talking about and just wanted to make a clever allusion. Let's move on
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

Geez, these two seemed so tight earlier...I guess the point of this match is to eliminate Show as the obvious choice for Kane's mystery tag team partner. (If you know me, you know what's coming next and can skip the next sentence - this is your only warning) Savio Vega, however, remains in the running! (Told ya)
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

STEVEN RICHARDS (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235 pounds) v. ?
referee: JACK DOAN
It's almost like Richards moved from Philadelphia to Waterford, but only for a couple weeks, and then he moved BACK to Philadelphia. That had to have been a MAJOR pain for him!
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

"...please welcome the newest member to RAW, 22 year old RANDY ORTON!" OH MAN WHAT A COUP FOR ERIC BISCHOFF INDEED. I mean, it's nice that they're *trying* to make this a big deal, what with Ross publicly applauding and Lawler acting like this is really exciting hot shit, but....well, c'mon, I ain't buying it.
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

Damn, I was hoping Rico and Goldust would have a "gay" moment but it looks more like Rico's going to have to take Shattered Dreams instead. Wait, THAT'S kinda gay, right?
WWE RAW 23.9.2002

TAZZZZZZ is in the ring when we return to introduce the bikini competition - the judges are BILLY & CHUCK AREN'T GAY, REALLY, REALLY.
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002

Sample commentary for you - Billy: "Golly, I'm really, really not gay" Chuck: "I also am not gay." Nidia shows off the bikini, loses her gum trying to "dance," loses her breath, does the "Rock-N-Bowl spare dance" and gets a 6 from Chuck...and a 9 from Billy. Because they're not gay.
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002

Funaki seems mesmerised by Lesnar's pec flex - and really, who wouldn't be? Those NIPPLES!
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002

Brock, as usual, is accompanied by his pokemon WEEZING.
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002

Edge - is - WALKING! Hey, next time you see one of these, start playing "Stayin' Alive." IT'S A RIOT, DEAN
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002

It was announced Tuesday that WrestleMania XIX would take place at Safeco Field in Seattle, WA - mark down 30 March 2003 NOW - and I think we have one question - just what the HELL was THE GODFATHER doing there?
WWE SMACKDOWN 26.9.2002
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