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The 7 - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWE - October
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Andouille
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Posts: 720/2042
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Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 3092 days
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#1 Posted on 30.12.02 1213.39
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1213.57
Seriously, how DO the post-production guys keep a straight face when they show this to Stephanie and convince her it looks GOOD? (Answer: Stephanie probably doesn't watch it - hell, she probably doesn't even watch the show)
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't selling ephedra-free Stacker 2 kinda like selling citric acid-free lemons?
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Torrie and Al Wilson are WALKING! Coming across Billy & Chuck, Torrie introduces them to his father, but they're straight now so they're not interested - just kidding.
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Is Al wearing lipstick?
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Taker knee, into the fence, Lesnar from behind - got him up - F-5 NOOOOO NOT ONTO THE DEADLY POPCORN!!!!!!! Suspend your disbelief with me.
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Booker T shills "Hungry-Man XXL" - man, I'm no nutritionist, but I'm PRETTY sure that if you eat a pound and a half of food EVERY night, you get REALLY REALLY FAT!
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Kim tells me Stephanie REALLY should consider wearing a bra.
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

This segment is an early frontrunner for the "most superfluous crane shot" award.
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

Geez, Tazz is shorter than both of these ladies - get HIM some heels!
WWE SMACKDOWN 3.10.2002

THANKS TO: The Cubs Fan took the bullet for me last week and I'll have to mail him my Don Zimmer trading card or something. I thought I'd get around to recapping it myself, but you know that report was just fine and there's no point in me knocking myself out when it's only RAW. Man, did you ever think you'd live to see the day when we'd be saying something like "...it's only RAW?"
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Show heads to the door...but decides he really shouldn't win this match, and goes back to give T some more.
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Regal wears red high heels, socks, sheer white tights and...you know, he almost looks exactly like "Madame" and you have to wonder if Wayland Flowers has a hand up his back (now THAT'S a reference, folks!) ...or perhaps somewhere a little lower, if you catch my drift. (and NOW you're just piling it on. Let the man rest in peace already and ixnay on the aygay okesjay)
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Rock-ettes, eat your hearts out! (You know, you know WAY too much about all this.) Well, I'm trying to show that it's okay to share your knowledge, yet remain comfortable in one's own masculinity. (Because SURELY writing about something as homoerotic as professional wrestling AT LEAST twice a week isn't proof enough.) Hmm, touche.
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't selling ephedra-free Stacker 2 about as useful as selling Rockapella "instrumental" CDs?
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Wow, and I was worried that this "frozen contracts" thing would keep us from having SHOCKING TALENT JUMPS THAT SHAKE THE VERY CORE OF THE INTERPROMOTIONAL BATTLE well shoot we've already seen two tonight so fukket.
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Before Owen Hart died, he saw THE RING
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

What follows next is visually unfit for human consumption so let's make judicious use of our fast forward button
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Before *I* die, I'll see the remastered "Metropolis" - FUCK "The Ring"
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

I don't dare mention Hardy's red and white in his back right pocket because I don't even want to THINK about how one would "fist" him, seeing as he IS a him, still, as far as I know....oh dear. Also, if I don't mention Robert Lamb one more time, jdw says he won't put me over on tOA anymore, so there you go. We're all about inside jokes here, folks!
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

Geez, did they *have* to pick the German word for FUCK? Exactly which German speaking country are they trying to get back at anyway...and for WHAT?
WWE RAW 7.10.2002

When Stephanie says Taker's hand is "officially broken," what does that mean it was beforehand? UNofficially broken?
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a lot like trying to sell cinnamon-free Big Red gum?
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Backstage, Torrie selects her lingerie, then gets surprised by her father - yes! The Al Wilson Across America tour!
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Hoo boy. Is it just me or do keep it zoomed out JUST enough for us to try to figure out if that's a camel toe or not? KUH-LASSEH.
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

THEN, the crack WWE Security get involved, and Nidia slaps Noble's water into them, and... I *think* we're suppose to get a "COPS" vibe here, but instead I'm getting a "Nitro" vibe - you know, the one that calls out to you and says "uuuuuuse the faaaaaaaast fooooooorward"
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Taker makes a Tackleberry face.
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Before the WWE dies, it'll promo "The Ring."
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

STRAIGHT BILLY GUNN (Austin, Texas - 269 pounds - with Straight Chuck Palumbo - and Monday in Montreal hype) v. D-VON (Dudleyville - 247 pounds - with Ron Simmons - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Okay, let me catch myself up here. He's no longer "Reverend," but he still has the gospel theme and the fish shirt. HE is no longer Faarooq, having seemingly softened his stance on refusing to go by Ron Simmons when he first formed the Nation of Domination. And, HE and HE are STRAIGHT. No longer using "You Look So Good to Me" probably cinched that. Man, remember when these two were the hottest mainstream yadda yadda yadda and what do you MEAN that was only FOUR weeks ago? (Then again, didn't Rico beat Ric Flair only THREE weeks ago...and look where he is NOW.)
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Backstage, the cameras catch Taker trying to explain to his wife how she could possibly be watching this seeing as it's taped two days ahead. I guess he hooked her up with one o' them cool-ass satellite pickup dealios, right?
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Say, have they ever actually taken the time to explain to us why Dawn Marie actually competes in these contests...or even hangs around anymore? I mean, is she still sleeping with Vince McMahon? Probably not. Is she still doing any legal stuff? Surely, if she's travelling from town to town she can't be doing a lot of work for the lawyers, I mean she's always out of the office!
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Dawn shows off her photos in the "Divas Undressed" magazine - as well as a bookmark that's actually the key to her hotel room (604). She hopes he'll return them to her tonight. "I'll be waiting!" Hey, I'll bet you didn't see THAT coming! (Also, Disciplinarian bought Bronco Billie's family ranch!)
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad #2 - man, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a lot like trying to sell corn-free Fritos?
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

Tough Enough III begins next week - apparently, Hugh Morrus will YELL A LOT
WWE SMACKDOWN 10.10.2002

I GET INSTANT MESSAGES: TheHock5: What'd you think of the show tonight?
See Our Zed: I think it starts in three minutes
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Of course, Christian has no hometown lest the Canadian crowd suddenly be reminded of the fact that he's Canadian, then cheer for him by default. (Yes, there are people who actually think this way.)
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Best part of this bit is watching Jericho pour champagne on Christian early on...resulting in him trying to clear out his eyes for the rest of the segment
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Bischoff enters the frame displaying his audition for the House of Sarcastic Clapping People.
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Before we move on, let me just say that LAST week, I wanted to be sure I heard correctly, so I doublechecked and picked up "Katie *F*ick" from the WWE.com RAW report (it's still there, actually) - at the time, I remarked that maybe picking a word Carsten Schaefer, were he still employed to do commentary by WWE International (and maybe he is, I don't know - umm, I'm getting bogged down in tangetia again), couldn't use on the air...well, it just wasn't the best idea. Sure enough, THIS week everyone keeps saying "Vick."
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

I GET INSTANT MESSAGES: CbsFan12: I'm telling you as a friend: Quit the RAW recap. Tonight. Sometime before :55 minutes in. You really won't regret it at all. AT ALL.

You know, I'm starting to think he doesn't want to guest host for me anymore...
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

I GET LETTERS: And if that weren't enough, MORE east coast tomfoolery from Dark Cheetah: After tonight's latest installment of the "Kane is a murderer" angle, I wouldn't blame you if you stopped recapping in disgust. I can't believe they actually think this shit is *entertaining*.

Never before have so many so close to me expressed such concern that I was ready to go off the deep end. This has to be a sign of....SOMETHING. Right?
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Unfortunately, in an indication that the WWE really has two minds that aren't better than one, we're subjected simultaneously to JR trying to get across the hatred that these two women have for each other AND Lawler trying to get across how the zebras are just trying to cop a cheap feel. "He touched her butt, JR."
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell the Braille version of Playboy?
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Before you die, you see another ad for "The Ring"
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

We are told that Dreamer is in the middle of his honeymoon but came out to work anyway. I'll take six months in the "when will we see Beulah in the WWE" pool.
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds - with RAW in Nashville hype) with falls counting anywhere
referee: Patrick
It's official: these guys have now passed Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Meng as the two guys who have met the most times on Monday wrestling programs.
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

NEXT: Canadian lumberjacks are okay - they sleep all night and they work all day
WWE RAW 14.10.2002

Staredown...I think Nidia's getting hot...yep, let the dry humping commence.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

We're told that Billy was injured at the London, Ontario show on Monday and is in Alabama seeing specialists. That don't sound too good for him...but it's not like they had any PLANS for him anyway, right? I mean, that gay wedding was FIVE WHOLE WEEKS AGO, I doubt *anybody* remembers it NOW.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Hardy has a brand new entrance, which involves dropping the framerate to make it look like you're trying to run QuickTime 6 on an old Quadra while conneting with a USR Robotics....okay, I'm getting too tech-y.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Without having a better opening, might I take this time to note than what's becoming a typically lucky break for the WWE, ABC Family has opted to schedule their heavily-promoted special featuring on-the-WWE-payroll "illusionist" Criss Angel up against...No Mercy. Yep.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Again, Torrie Wilson is WALKING! In that outfit, I can forgive her.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Camera zooms in just quick enough for me to not be able to figure out if she was covering her ass at all or not (surely she was wearing a flesh thong, right? Believe me, I tried and tried and tried to figure it out - man, I'm lonely)
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad #2 - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell caffeine-free Jolt Cola?
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

STEFFO walks out for our main event...interview, trying her damnedest to make everything wiggle the way she wants in the process. Give her credit, she's managed to keep her hands from being surgically attached to her hips most of the night, so at least there's that.
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

They go to leave...but Heyman can't help himself and goes back...but Taker catches the kick, mounts Heyman (his dream has come true!)
WWE SMACKDOWN 17.10.2002

Also, an interview with Shawn Michaels - STILL in a wheelchair? Man, leave it to the kid to STILL find ways to bite on Bret Hart IT'S ON IN ELEVEN MINUTES
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Geez, Nowinski looks kinda off during his entrance - maybe they could get him some trunks that aren't simultaneously loose AND tight in all the wrong spots.
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 kind of like trying to sell fiber-free Metamucil?
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Ha ha, that kooky Regal has HIS flag upside down! (Just kidding.)
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

No word on which of Bubba Ray or Spike is the loopier this week.
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Test has silver trunks! Call your mom!
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

How long do six entrances take? About four and a half minutes. How long will this match take? I'd guess about four and a half minutes. I've saved you an hour of "videotape" coming up hype, by the way. Thanks aren't necessary but greatly appreciated.
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Well at least no lesbians were harmed, so TNN will be happy
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad #2 - hey, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell an all-instrumentals rap album?
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Ross pronounces wunderkind "wonder kind" and I am not even gonna try to go back and figure out why he wanted to even use that word in the first place. Maybe he'll bust out "surcease" in a few minutes.
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Flair goes up - Ross: "This never works. I guarantee ya - you see? What an idiot. He's tried that for twenty years, and it never works!" Funnier than when The Mark did it, but *still* probably not something commentators should point out to viewers.
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

I pity the poor transcriptionist trying to follow ANY of this...probably thinking to themselves "Man, I've *never* had to type the word 'necrophilia' so many times before!"
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Wow - and to think that YOU were worried that this angle was gonna be the drizzling shits!
WWE RAW 21.10.2002

Off the ropes, Keesh catches Hardy on his shoulder - HOLY CRAP IT'S THE KEESH DRIVER!!! 1, 2, 3! (3:22) Keesh loads the Driver, and Mattitude suddenly gets removed from the desktop.
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - say, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 kinda like trying to sell a werewolf-free Lou Diamond Philips movie? (Okay, the Twilight Zone ad inspired me)
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Noble is dressed as Elvis, wearing a gold lame jacket, sunglasses and Eddie Munster hairpiece. But Halloween is NEXT week! Oh, because it's Memphis.
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Dawn Marie has FINALLY caught up with Torrie's nipples.
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Commentators play up the mutual respect. You know what this segment didn't need? SOME DUDE FUCKING A CORPSE
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Stacker 2 ad #2 - say, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell caffeine-free Mountain Dew?
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

Credits are up and Tough Enough is NEXT - it's been a good run, gang, but my streak will end right here at 167.
WWE SMACKDOWN 24.10.2002

I GET LETTERS: Bill Dearth writes: CRZ,
I've come to the conclusion that even if Armageddon (not the PPV) were to come upon us, we could all still expect the Raw Report from you. My question is, How in the HELL can you still do this? Things aren't looking to get much better either with the ELIMINATION CHAMBER shit coming. You're a better and more dedicated man than me, that's for sure.


Damn, ain't it ALWAYS the case that I get some kinda IRONY email just before I close up shop?
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Spin heel kick by Rico on Bubba - double wheelbarrow suplex on Spike by Rosey & Jamal - hey do you have as much trouble telling them apart as I do? Use this handy tip: JAMAL is the one wearing the jersey with "JAMAL" written on the back in masking tape block letters - I know, sometimes the subtleties that I pick out over the course of a broadcast is *downright amazing*
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Happy embracing people - you know, Test probably needs to get some warnings from Los Fabulosos about what happens when you entrust your career when Stacy Keibler...hey, here's a replay.
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

We cut to "F-VIEW" where H answers his cel. It's Naitch. He's stuck at the airport - bad weather. "Dammit, Ric, just pay the guy a few extra bucks and tell him to take off!" I'm sure Flair mentions that with Senator Wellstone dead, pilots ain't going for THAT this week.
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Booker T shills Hungry Man chicken 'n' ribs - well, at least it wasn't gizzards 'n' chitlins
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

It's the WWE live! Friday, Springfield! Saturday, Halifax! Sunday, MONCTON MONCTON MONCTON I LOOOOOOOVE SAYING MONCTON!
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Trish, doing her part to singlehandedly revive bell bottoms - hey, winks at Lilian - you KNOW they're DOIN' IT
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Champ retains, also has giant hooters.
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

GOOD OL' JR keeps calling Kane "Undertaker" - and who can blame him? ZOMBIE SITUP! Maybe there's something TO that.
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

Kill Kane's music, it's time to play "Sexy Boy" because SHAWN NEEDS TO POSE!
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

I MIGHT end up coming back with some form of commentary - I'd been threatening to do audio commentary for almost a year - but I'm pretty sure that when it come to THIS gig, I've written my last recap. I went back and checked - I'm somewhere shy of 750 reports, somewhere north of 4.2 million words, and I don't know how many thousands of emails received, but all in all it's not a bad thing to point to when people ask what you've done with your life. Actually, check that: it's a TERRIBLE thing to point to! Good God, what the HELL was I THINKING?!
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

To all of you who have ever clicked on a recap for whatever reason - hopefully to experience the wit and insight of the author, as opposed to you hate his guts and wanted to find some fodder to hop on a message board and immediately register outrage, or golly, even if you just happened to miss the show and wanted to find out what the heck was on, whether it be a day later or five years later - I most humbly thank you for the click, for the time, and I hope at least once, I wrote something that nobody one else on this earth "got" - except for you and me. Because even the *chance* to make that kind of a connection is worth more than all the money in the world, and it's always been the primary reason that I've been writing.
WWE RAW 28.10.2002

...and I am outta here!
WWE RAW 28.10.2002
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