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The 7 - Guest Columns - Christmas Special!!!! Register and log in to post!
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Hot Newz
Bauerwurst
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#1 Posted on 22.12.02 1608.35
Reposted on: 22.12.09 1610.53
OMG! Christmas is comming and the Big Show's getting fatter! Please put a penny in Road Dogg's hat...because he needs the money to buy drugz, LMAO! And I am bizzack with a Christmas Special! And for Christmes, I asked Santa (lots of kidz read Hot Newz so I'm not going to break kayfabe by revealing that their is no Santa!) for teh Hulk Still Rules DVD! And this DVD RULES because it shows a rare match between Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior from Japan in 1987 where Hogan accidently does a GANSO BOMB~! And it also apparantly has Hogan's first match ever...against Moses in 8000 BC! JK, LOL, it was really against Gotch Gracie in 1959.

Smackdown is going to do a crossover wiht another UPN show to scrap the Dawn Marie/Al Wilson angle. And at the wedding, when Al is about to say "I do" Dawn will play a video of her in bed with Torrie's mom and Torrie's grandmother! Buy then Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer comes out! And she says to Dawn "You are such a poorly written lesbian! You're an insult to well written lesbians like myself! So I'm going to use magic to make this whole angle disappear!" and she goes all veiny and evil looking and suddenly Al disappears! And Torrie and Dawn can't remember anything thatt's happened for the last three months and they're all confused so Dawn shows her tits and everyone is happy!

WWE taped Raw last night! And I managed to use my sources to get front row tickets, look out for my "Weinerville: It's not just for nerdz!" sign! And here's the results!

The Bisch comes out dressed as Santa Claus! And he has a long white beard and he's really fat. And Chief Morley says "you didn't have to wear so much padding" and Bischoff says "it's not padding, it's all me!" and Eric sez that as a Christmas present he's putting a 20 minute Scott Steiner and Triple H promo in the main event slot!

RVD and Kane are at a mall and Kane is seeing Santa for the first time. And Kane asks Santa why he never gave him presents as a kid and Santa says it's becauze Paul Bearer blocked up the chimmney! And Kane goes off to kill Paul Bearer and RVD reaches into Santa's sack and pulls out a bong!

Battista versus Tommy F'n Dreamer. Battista wins in four sekonds with a gay poerbomb and then says as a Christmas present, he wont break Tommy's back. But Tommy sayz "too late, I've been wrestling with a broken back for three years because I'm hardkore! EASY DUB YA!" so Battista powerbombs him from the top of the titan tron head first through 8 tables.

Backsta,ge, Steiner tells Bischoff that it should be a 25 minute interview and if it's not he walks out!

D'Lo Brown comes out and says that the WWE is racist because everyone knows Jesus was actually black! But then Shawn Michaels runs in and superkicks D'Lo and pours holy water over him and sayz "I cast thee out!"

Trish Stratus versus Victoria the Pysho lesbian bitch in a snow man match. There's a snow man in the middel of the ring fro some reason. And it eventually melts and the Big Bossman comes out of it! and he arrests Victoria for being mad and handcuffed her and hauls her ass to jail!

Eric Bishcoff is laughing like a maniac backstage and Morley askz him what's up and he says he put Bossman in the snowman because he's the GM and he does what he wants. But then D'Lo comes in and says he should have been in the snowman and Bisch is racist for having a white snowman and he's holding the brothas down! So Morley hits him with a chair.

Maven versus Chris Newinski turkey stuffing contest. Chris stuffs teh turkey fastest, but then maven says "that's because you have experience stuffing stuff up a pasty white ass...homo!"

Jerircho is holding missletoe above his head trying to get Terri to kiss him. And Terris says she will so he closes his eyes, but goldust steps in and kisses Jerichoe instead...wiht tongue! and Jericho throws up afterwards but when he walks away, you can see he has an erection!

Test versus Steven Richards. Test wins in 5 second and then Stacy said she's made a new Christmas snack called Stacy's choclate salty testicles! And she makes Test eat one. Then she tells Test to sing her choclate salty testicles song, but D'Lo Brown runs in and says she stole that song from a black man and she's a racist, so Test gives him a big boot and shoves his testicles down D'Lo's throat! His actual real testicles! JK! LOL!

Tripel H goes up to Bischoff backstage and says that it should be a 30 minute interview interview and if it's not he's walking out!

Meanwhile, Kane has found Paul Bearer's house! But before he can kill him, Paul makes a ghost of Christmas past appear! And it's the ghost of Katie Vick and she's hott! And Kane tries to have sex with her but he passes right threw her because sh'es a ghost and he cries because he never gets laid.

Booker T and Goldust versus Jericho and Christian. I went to get a hot dog and when I came back Booker was shaved bald and golust was tied upside down and naked on the titan tron so I dion't know what happened.

Triple H and Steiner inertview! They just keep saying "I have the biggest muscles!" and "No, I do!" for 27 minutes then D'Lo runs in and says the black brotha ain't represented in this interview so Steiner says "represent THIS" and kicks him in the balls then Tripel H pedigrees him and they both laugh and hug! but Triple H pinned a card on Steiner's back when they hugged which says "Triple H has bigger muscles than me" and he outsmarted Steiner becasue he's the cerebral assassinn!

After the camera stop, JR gets in the ring and says "GOOD GAWD FOLKS, HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES! REMEMBER TO KISS ALL YOUR FAMILY AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT YOU LOVE SWEET BABY JESUS. REMEMBER FOLKS, JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THIS SEASON, SO THANK JESUS FOR DYING SO YOU COULD GET PRESENTS OR YOU'LL DAMN SURE GO TO HELL!"

And it was the best show EEEEEEEEVER!

FESTIVE SIGN IDEAS!

All I want for Christmas is Stacy's legz...in my bed!

Jeff Hardy's gonna have a WHITE Christmas, if you smell what he's sniffing!

Big Show ATE Christmas!

Eddy stole the (magic) hubcaps from Santa's sleigh!

You can't spell Christmaz without C R Z!

And now finally some Christmas wishes and some new year's resloutoins from some WWE superstars!

Tazz: Yeah, merry Christmas, yeah! Gonna have a great Christmas in the Tazz house, yearh, we got turkey, chicken and a pig, yeah, all that crap, yeah as they say in basbell, home run! Yeah! I hit the egg nog a little early...Northern lights suplex Cole, that's a northern lights suplex! Brooklyn style!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? You want to know old Stone Cold's new year's resolutions? What? Well let me tell you something son, in 2003, old Stone Cold wants to get his hands on a certain long haired, whiney, blond, bitch and beat the crap out of them! That blond bitch has caused me a lot of pain this year and they're name...is Triple H! What? I will get my win back from No Way Out! What?

Stephanie McMahon: Well some guy had a sign saying I'm fat, so I want some liposuction for Christmas.

Brad Shaw: I want my damn arm to heal in time for Christmas! A lot of young, fit, young, supple young men have joined the WWE since I've been injured and I want to fu...give them a proper welcome!

Hulk Hogan: Dude, all the Hulkster wants to do next year is have one last match. Or maybe two last matches. Okay, you twist my arm (the largest arm in the world, brother!) make it 12 last matches! But I insist on losing at least one of them! By DQ.

Dean Malenko: I'm still waiting for that huge retirment match on pay per view! Why are you laughing at me!?

Chris Jericho: I want all you spotty greasy little internet assclowns to show me the respect I deserve, you losers!

But we already do show you the respect you deserver Jericho...NO RESPECT! ROTFLMAO!

Back next year, doodz! Thanx for supporting Hot Newz in 2002! Have a Mizzerry Chrizzistmas and a Hizzappy Newz (lol) year and I'll see u in 2izz003!!!!!!!!!1

LESNAR AND ANGLE TO TAG TEAM IN THE OLYMPICS? NIDIA TO POSE NUDE IN PLAYBOY? BUZZ ALDRIN TO RETURN TO THE MOON? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF ALBERT SHAVING HIS LEGS AND BACK AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!





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tomvejada
Andouille
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#2 Posted on 22.12.02 1939.28
Reposted on: 22.12.09 1942.57
Another hilarious column, Hot Newz.
Spaceman Spiff
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#3 Posted on 22.12.02 2003.07
Reposted on: 22.12.09 2003.38

    Booker T and Goldust versus Jericho and Christian. I went to get a hot dog and when I came back Booker was shaved bald and golust was tied upside down and naked on the titan tron so I dion't know what happened

Nice.
jerniebert
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#4 Posted on 23.12.02 1131.49
Reposted on: 23.12.09 1131.51
This was funny. Good job.
LeechOfTheNight
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#5 Posted on 23.12.02 1137.08
Reposted on: 23.12.09 1144.04
Awesome Hot Newz. I always love the spizoilerz! Keep 'em coming!
byort
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#6 Posted on 23.12.02 1327.04
Reposted on: 23.12.09 1327.17
My favorite is ALWAYS the row of exclamation points with the last one being a 1! It's the siz-ubtle touches that make the column!!!1 (ROTFLMAO!!)
asteroidboy
Andouille
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#7 Posted on 27.12.02 1729.14
Reposted on: 27.12.09 1731.14
I don't laugh out loud at anything, unless that delightful Billy Crystal's involved. Cheers to you, sir.
Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#8 Posted on 30.12.02 0106.01
Reposted on: 30.12.09 0106.24
I like the column. ROTFLMAO. But the thing that scares me is that there are people out there who don't realize you're spelling words and using "LOL!" deliberately. And they probably think 55 exclamation points in a 1,000-word column is perfectly acceptable. In short: they don't think any of it is a joke.

Scary, scary, man.
Torchslasher
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#9 Posted on 30.12.02 1237.52
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1237.54
All I know is that the Hot Newz' version of the wedding is much better than what we will be getting on Thursday.
CRZ
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Y!:
#10 Posted on 30.12.02 1951.04
Reposted on: 30.12.09 1951.34
I'm just bumping this to get it out of the 2002 Year in Quotes block. Shame on me!
J. Kyle
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#11 Posted on 31.12.02 0952.04
Reposted on: 31.12.09 0953.47
"Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? You want to know old Stone Cold's new year's resolutions? What? Well let me tell you something son, in 2003, old Stone Cold wants to get his hands on a certain long haired, whiney, blond, bitch and beat the crap out of them! That blond bitch has caused me a lot of pain this year and they're name...is Triple H! What? I will get my win back from No Way Out! What?"

Oh, if only it were true... oh, if only it were true.

Nice work as always.
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