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The 7 - Guest Columns - Raw Satire 12/16 - I Sold Out...
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#1 Posted on 16.12.02 2340.05
Reposted on: 16.12.09 2341.21
Well…Sort of…After a short talk with Rick Scaia (thanks Jeb!), we’ve come to an agreement to make Online Onslaught the new home of Raw Satire from here on out. Yes, I’ve gone and defected to another brand. I’m not sure what this means for the future of my columns here, maybe I'll start writing something else or double posting them, but I guess finding out is the best part. Please forgive me?

All right, crazy crap out of the way, let’s get to the show.

Last Week on RAW: Shawn Michaels jumped into a bunch of mattresses. Goldust faked an injury to try to get out of jobbing yet again. And not even the cast of Nickelodeon’s “Salute Your Shorts” could hold down the HAMMER PANTS!

Test (w/ Stacy Kiebler) and Trish Stratus v. Stevie Richards and Victoria.

This is intergender so it can’t be shown on TSN, which is too bad for Trish and Test because they wanted to be on TV, eh. Stacy won’t wrestle tonight in protest of Test’s on-going battle as to whether or not he is selling his quad injury. Test hits the Big Boot on Stevie and tears his quad again. J.R. says that he’ll be out until at least Royal Rumble. Coach Nash is proud, until he realizes that the Rumble is only a few weeks away (Order Now on PPV!). Stevie and Victoria are sad to be jobbing.

Eric Bischoff congratulates HHH’s Door for being the finest door in the history of wrestling. Honestly, I think that it’s holding the other doors down and that it should pass the torch to the revolving door at Gate B. Gate B is over! Anyway, The Chief is on the phone around the corner, trying to track down The Warrant. He has a lead that says Scott Steiner is bringing it to the arena. Bischoff is not pleased! Who will main event tonight? HHH’s Door or The Warrant?


New WWE World Tag Team Champions Goldust is backstage with Booker T.

BT: Goldie, I am deeply disturbed at the lack of wrestling on this show.
GD: Want to see my North Pole?
BT: HHH’s Door and The Warrant in the main event? Come on!
GD: How’d you like a taste of my candy cane?
BT: What?
GD: A ride with my sleigh bells…
BT: Ok, now THAT’S just sick.
GD: I could come down your chim…

Chris Tian breaks this segment up…

CT: What’s up, guys?
BT: Goldust was just talking about you, man.
CT: Really? What’s up G-Dizzy?
GD: Wanna spend a silent night with me, Christian?
CT: Huh?
BT: The man wants to know if you want him to deck your halls.
CT: I’m not sure that I like what you’re implying…

That could go on forever. Let’s see what else is happening…

Christopher Nowinski v. Maven

Sadly, Al Snow is nowhere to be found, or I’m pretty sure somebody would get cut. As it is, Nowinski bores Maven to sleep with his sloooow moveset. That’s his move! Nowinski wins!


Shawn Michaels is out, and dancing for the love of his Savior, which is surprising seeing as he not only suffered an injury last night, but he lost the Dance Dane World Title as well. Shawn says that he’s still got the moves and heart to be Dance Dance World Champion, and that HHH better watch himself. Suddenly, he’s interrupted by Chris Jericho who would like to know what it was like for Shawn to be small, blonde and on top, since Jericho will never know the feeling. Shawn superkicks Jericho to end the segment. That wasn’t very nice…


Ric Flair has just finished beating up Rico for getting a win over him a few weeks ago, when Three Minute Warning come into the room. Flair calls them both “Fat Boy” and tells them to help out ”Dave” Bautista “Davidson” tonight. Flair leaves and they both start to weep. Aw, guys, you’re not fat, you’re just big boned.

What this show needs? A Little More Kane! He’s backstage with RVD.

RVD: Sorry about last week, Kane.
Kane: Well…Can I trust you this week?
RVD: Yeah, dude, it was the Hammer Pants. I don’t know what came over me. I don’t even like M.C. Hammer. Or Three Count.
Kane: Isn’t it just Hammer, now?
RVD: Nah, he gave up the idea that he had street cred a long time ago.

Johnathon Coachman walks by…

JC: What’s up, dudes?

Kane and RVD punk out Coach.


Chris Tian v. Goldust

Chris Tian asks Goldust if he wants to see Christian’s Winter Wonderland. Goldust is so shocked and happy that he misses getting rolled up and pined.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with HHH, wondering what HHH will do with the Dance Dance World Title since he can’t dance. HHH says that he’ll just use his booking power to change it to the HHH Title. He can’t wait for the HHH Door Ceremony. Bischoff suggests moving the segment to the top of THIS hour, but there’s no way HHH’s Door is getting buried like that.


Kane and RVD v. Three Minute Warning and “Dave” Bautista “Davidson”

This reminds me of an episode of “Wild and Crazy Kids” because, Omar Gooding, like Kane and RVD, would never lose to a jobber like Donnie Jeffcoat, in this case Three Minute Warning. Dave realizes that being teamed up with this group of losers may very well mean the end of his push, so he takes off faster than you can say “blown spots” and leaves Three Minute Warning to blow spots all the way to loserville.

Scott Steiner peaks, geeks, leeks, and all but does he have The Warrant?


William Regal and Lance Storm v. Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley

Storm is sad because he knows that Vince likes Regal more than him. He promises to get the Sharpshooter in so that Vince likes him more. But then Regal hits the Reverend with brass knuckles, and Storm weeps.


Mick Foley v. The Rock

Mick Foley has won the Defunct WWF Title over a returning The Rock! But Foley retired and he hates the WWE! It must all be a shocking swerve!

Jeff Hardy v. D’Lo Brown

Jeff’s music starts, but he doesn’t come out. It starts again and nothing. Finally, The Red Rooster drags Jeff out onto the entry way. Jeff blows a spot on his way to the ring, then blows another when he gets in. However, this one catches D’Lo right in the face, and Jeff holds himself together long enough to get the pin and run to the back. Good effort, Jeff!.

Ric Flair runs out of a bathroom and tells Scott Steiner that The Warrant is not nearly as important as HHH’s Door, and in fact, neither lugging around a Warrant nor raping Stephanie McMahon is a main event story line, before Steiner can remind Flair that HHH has done both, Flair runs back into the bathroom.


D’Lo Brown thinks that jobbing to Jeff Hardy is racism. Edge, Christian, Matt, Bubba and D-Von check things out. Only one of them agrees with him. (Hint: It’s not Edge)

Stacy Kiebler is on the phone bitching at Kevin Nash for holding Test down when Test wheels over. Stacy shows Test the new line of “Bod” pepper spray then sprays him in the face. Test says, “Oh, God! It burns!” That’s what he gets for getting injured. Raven watches all this from behind a little plastic tree. Wait. Raven? RAVEN HAS RETURNED TO RAW~! Somebody call, Vince McMahon! This can’t go unpunished.

Chris Jericho is back out, but that’s not as important as these


That’s better.

Booker T v. Chris Jericho

This match is Crazy Go Nuts from the start. That is until Chris Tian runs out to take out Booker T, and draw the DQ. Goldust runs out to make sure this segment doesn’t get any more interesting than it already is. Booker T tells Goldust to whip out his Yule Log, but you can’t do that on television.

The Chief is with Scott Stiener to make sure he has The Warrant. He does, but if The Chief wants to catch Carmen, he’s going to have to meet Steiner in the ring. What does this mean for HHH’s Door?


The segment starts with a loving tribute to HHH’s Door to the tune of “Break on Through” by the Doors. It opens. It closes. What great memories we all have of HHH’s Door. Wow. HHH is about to say how great his door is when suddenly, Scott Steiner comes out with The Warrant. Oh, no! Steiner and HHH fight back and forth about which segment is a bigger waste of time, when suddenly Eric Bischoff makes a match. The Warrant v. HHH’s Door at the Royal Rumble for the HHH Title. Neither guy is really pleased by that, so they start arguing again. Steiner dares HHH to hit him, but HHH knows better. Chain Mail is +5 v. Physical attacks. So they go nose to nose, which puts Steiner all the way on the other side of the ring. The tension builds, the air is thick with excitement.

They kiss.

My God what does this mean for Armageddon…Wait…Armageddon is over. Uh…Smackdown? Velocity? Afterburn?

Next Week On RAW: Fallout from the kiss heard round the ring. Dude, in a shoot fight, who do you think would win, Triple H’s Door or The Warrant? Oh, and probably some stuff in the mid-card, though I’m not sure.

See you then!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 17.12.02 0026)
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#2 Posted on 17.12.02 0118.27
Reposted on: 17.12.09 0128.45
>Maybe I'll start writing something else or double posting
>them, but I guess finding out is the best part.

Between you and me and the cameraman, I think you could probably get away with double posting them fine if you want to.

good job
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#3 Posted on 17.12.02 0630.06
Reposted on: 17.12.09 0630.43
Very funny column.
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#4 Posted on 17.12.02 0740.57
Reposted on: 17.12.09 0741.07
i used to watch you can't do that on television

In all honesty, I think that all segments need a LOT more Kane

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#5 Posted on 17.12.02 1227.04
Reposted on: 17.12.09 1227.31

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Chain Mail is +5 v. Physical attacks.

Ha, finally someone else makes fun of the defensive powers of Chainmail! But, Excalibur, everyone KNOWS it gives an AC of 6 (+4 in 3rd edition).

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#6 Posted on 17.12.02 2206.29
Reposted on: 17.12.09 2210.58
I thought Chain Mail was +1 vs. Cruiserweights! Now I'm all confused and stuff! You're mean!

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#7 Posted on 17.12.02 2227.40
Reposted on: 17.12.09 2228.31

    Originally posted by gugs
    I thought Chain Mail was +1 vs. Cruiserweights! Now I'm all confused and stuff! You're mean!


That's err...ON TOP of the +5...I mean four.

So it's +4, +5 v. Cruiserweights.


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#8 Posted on 18.12.02 0823.10
Reposted on: 18.12.09 0829.03
another great column. i hope you decide to double post (hint, hint)
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#9 Posted on 18.12.02 1219.48
Reposted on: 18.12.09 1219.51
The best way to end the Door vs. Warrant feud is to send them thru the double dare obstacle course. Whoever thought of that putting that flag in the huge nose is a genious.
The Great Thomas
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#10 Posted on 20.12.02 2143.06
Reposted on: 20.12.09 2143.27

    Originally posted by Santa Sangre
    The best way to end the Door vs. Warrant feud is to send them thru the double dare obstacle course. Whoever thought of that putting that flag in the huge nose is a genious.
Triple H's nose?

Just kidding.
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#11 Posted on 26.12.02 1818.17
Reposted on: 26.12.09 1828.43
So did you decide not to cross post or did you not do one this week?
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