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The 7 - Guest Columns - Wienerville SmackDown!
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#1 Posted on 11.12.02 1254.00
Reposted on: 11.12.09 1259.04
Weinerville SmackDown

SmackDown!, 12/12/02

-The show opens with the prerequisite “Last Week” video recap, including details of the Fatal Fourway match and Dawn Marie’s interaction’s with Torrie, before heading straight into the opening tag team match pitting John Cena and B2 against the unlikely pairing of Rikishi and Tazz. The wannabe homeboys ultimately pick up the victory after around seven minutes of action when Cena hits “Word To Your Mother” (Proto-Bomb) on Tazz; Rikishi gets some revenge, however, with a Stinkface on Cena’s companion. Tazz recovers enough to toss Cena around with a pair of suplexes, but B2 drags his partner to safety and the two high-tail it to the back...

-Kurt Angle’s music greets us on the return from commercials, and the man himself strolls out to a decidedly mixed reaction. After allowing the audience to quieten down, he takes a microphone and begins to speak; tonight, he’s got a match scheduled against Albert, and he promises to soften up the big man so that Edge has a chance this Sunday. But we all know that Albert is not the big ugly slug he’s interested in; no, THAT accolade belongs to the WWE Champion. Tonight, he’ll make one disgusting slob tap out, and at Armageddon, he’ll do the same. Angle’s tirade brings out the Big Show himself, alongside Paul Heyman, and Heyman is quick to remind that, unlike many, Show boasts a pinfall victory over Angle. He’s going to make it two and oh on Sunday, but why wait? If Angle’s got the guts, he can step in the ring with Show tonight and see just how little gold medals are worth when you’re facing a seven-foot tall giant. So what Heyman proposes is a tag team match: the WWE Champion The Big Show and the Rabbi Of Retribution Albert against Kurt Angle-and the man he beat a week previous, Edge. Angle, as ever is game, promising to beat both men himself if Edge doesn’t want to partner him...

-Jamie Noble, accompanied as ever by his significant other Nidia, issues a challenge to Crash for a return match from last week. Crash accepts, figuring an easy victory over the down-on-his-luck Noble, but the former Cruiserweight Champion has a surprise: after a long-winded introduction, Noble welcomes out his cousin Nunzio to join him at ringside. Nunzio, played of course by James “Little Guido” Maritato, enters wearing near-identical redneck attire and brings with him a lengthy piece of chain. And, thanks to his presence and a timely loaded punch, Noble gets his win back after five minutes of solid cruiserweight action. Noble and Nunzio celebrate in the ring as Nidia stays on the floor, looking decidedly apprehensive...

-The cameras take us backstage as Marc Lloyd rushes for a word with the arriving Edge. The challenge has been laid down by Paul Heyman; he and Kurt Angle against Big Show and Albert. Will Edge accept? Edge just stares at him, then breaks into an eerie grin and delivers a simple answer: “You bet your ass I will”.

-SmackDown gets workrate-intensive for match three, as the WWE Tag Team Champions Eddie and Chavo Cuerrero take on Chris Benoit and Billy Kidman, their respective Armageddon opponents, in a tag team match. The champs are able to eke out a win after a hot fifteen-minute match, dominating Kidman for the majority of the running time. The Cruiserweight Champion finally manages a hot tag at the ten-minute mark, setting up a scorching home stretch that sees multiple German suplexes and Kidman hitting a suicidal Shooting Star Press to the floor on Chavo. With the cruisers wiped out, Benoit looks to finish with the Swandive, but Eddie dodges and gets a rope-assisted Oklahoma Roll for the pin. He stays on the fallen Crippler and, in a totally unwarranted move, nails a chain of THREE spot-on brainbusters. Taking a mic from ringside, Eddie vows that, after he puts away his former “homes” this weekend, he’s going after the WWE Championship to finally bring the biggest prize of all into the Guerrero family...

-That exhaustive display is followed by some significant downtime, as Dawn Marie welcomes her fiance Al Wilson backstage. Al asks her how the previous week was without having her snookums around, and Dawn simply smiles cryptically and says she found something to amuse her. Al, anxious to see his daughter, asks where she can be found, but Dawn informs him-and us-that she is regrettably absent this wek, sorting out some issues. Al seems please that Torrie and Dawn are now communicating, but that is forgotten when Tajiri walks past and halts next to the happy couple, saying something in Japanese and growling at Dawn, then shouting out “Room 357" and walking away laughing. Al asks what he meant, but Dawn simply shrugs and leads her man away...

-Bill DeMott adds another notch to his belt in match four, getting a decisive victory over yet another cruiserweight. Shannon Moore is this week’s unfortunate victim, falling prey to a chest-crushing moonsault at the three-minute mark. DeMott, however, is not finished; perhaps taking his cue from Albert the previous week, he smashes Shannon in the corner and grabs a chair from ringside. His nefarious intentions remain unfulfilled, as Matt Hardy rushes the ring and chases the big man off before he can harm his friend. Matt raises Shannon’s hand then, as usual, asks Shannon to boost him onto his shoulders. Shannon rolls his eyes, but, grateful for being saved, complies, and Matt celebrates his moral victory...

-“All Grown Up” signals the imminent arrival of Stephanie McMahon in the penultimate segment of the evening; the General manager makes her way to the ring and takes a microphone. Ordinarily, she states, she would use this time to run through SmackDown’s contribution to the imminent pay-per-view; tonight, however, she has other plans. Whilst checking out “the competition” on Monday night, she saw something she most definitely did NOT like. She saw a SmackDown-exclusive superstar, Scott Steiner, raising Hell. And while it gave her a warm feeling to see him run through their pathetic World Champion, this sort of behaviour will NOT be tolerated and is damaging to SmackDown’s integrity. So, without further ado, she is requesting Scott Steiner’s presence in the ring to sign his contract and make his SmackDown spot official. After a brief pause, the sirens sound and Big Poppa Pump makes his way to the squared circle, a mic already in his hand. Stephanie immediately produces the contract and begins jabbering about where to sign, but Steiner cuts her off with a raised hand. He smiles, and begins to speak. Just because he took Stephanie on the best ride of her life, just because he made her scream “Boom Shaka Laka” and beg for more, doesn’t mean he’s gonna sign that contract. See, when Steph shacked up with the Big Bad Booty Daddy, she was not the one doing a favour, no; Freakzilla was the good Samaritan in THAT equation. He knows that she’s been feelin’ frumpy, he knows that the only man she’s used to with is the limp likes of Triple H, so he decided to show her what a real man was made of. And now that’s he done her one favour, why should he do another by signing with SmackDown? He showed up on Raw to let all his freaks know that Scott Steiner is still a free agent; and he’s here tonight to let Stephanie know the same. Steph is obviously not pleased with this development, and demands that Scott Steiner sign immediately. Steiner simply laughs and shoves her down, then address her one more time; if she brings that contract to Armageddon, then he may well sign it. One thing’s for sure: by the end of Sunday night, Big Poppa Pump will definitely be the hook-up for one of the brands, so holler if you hear him. Steiner tosses down the mic and exits the ring, leaving Stephanie fuming...

-The main event gets off to a surprising start, as Brock Lesnar makes his way to the front row, clutching a ticket and showing it to any security guard that bothers him. He cheers vociferously as the odd-couple team of Edge and Angle make their entrances, and simply stands and watches as Big Show comes down the aisle. The two bitter rivals have an intense stare-down at ringside, allowing Angle to jump start the match by pushing Show into the crowd barrier. Edge and Albert brawl in the ring, and as the ref separates Angle/Show Albert punts his Armageddon opponent in the groin, then nails the back-breaker that put Rey away the week before. The ref slides in for the count, but Edge just barely gets his shoulder up and match continues. Show and Albert stay on Edge for the majority of the match, decimating him with various power moves and paying very little attention to the rules, whilst Heyman stays on the floor, crowing like a demented cheerleader and making sure to avoid Brock’s side of the ring. Edge finally manages a hot tag after nailing Albert with a Spear, and Kurt knocks down the Pierced One and goes straight to work on Show, taking his legs out and pounding him repeatedly. A reinvigorated Edge takes down Albert and they brawl to the floor, with Albert smashing him into the ringsteps and stomping him down. Show and Angle soon follow suit, tumbling out through the middle ropes and exchanging blows-right next to Brock Lesnar. Heyman screams at Show to move but Show doesn’t notice and, with the ref distracted by Albert and Edge, Brock smashes Show in the head with his chair. Show staggers backward and Angle shoves back into the ring, then hooks the ankle lock dead-centre. The ref slides in and the chair-shot-addled champ groggily taps out, grunting in pain, to end the match at about twelve minutes. Albert, having disposed of Edge, slides in and takes a swing at the Olympian, but Angle ducks and hits the Angle Slam-right onto the fallen WWE Champion. Angle slides outside and helps up a wary Edge as Brock smiles from his chair at ringside, and the show goes off the air with Heyman standing over his defeated charge, screaming for him to get up...

So, with one week of the Weinerville Universe gone, we’re all set for what should be an incredibly entertaining Armageddon. The final card:

World Heavyweight Title Match-Special Referee Rob van Dam
Shawn Michaels (c) Vs. Triple H

WWE Title Match
The Big Show (c) w/Paul Heyman Vs. Kurt Angle

Fatal Fourway Elimination Match For World Tag Team Titles
Chris Jericho/Christian (c) Vs. The Dudley Boyz Vs. Booker T/Goldust Vs. 3 Minute Warning

Chris Benoit Vs. Eddie Guerrero

Kane Vs. Batista w/Ric Flair

Hardcore Rules Grudge Match
Chris Nowinski Vs. Maven

Edge Vs. Albert

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Billy Kidman (c) Vs. Chavo Guerrero

Scott Steiner Makes His Decision

Stay Tuned For Weinerville Armageddon!
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#2 Posted on 11.12.02 1757.05
Reposted on: 11.12.09 1759.01
Another good column.
Spaceman Spiff
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#3 Posted on 12.12.02 0907.05
Reposted on: 12.12.09 0907.30

    Matt raises Shannon’s hand then, as usual, asks Shannon to boost him onto his shoulders. Shannon rolls his eyes, but, grateful for being saved, complies, and Matt celebrates his moral victory...

Note to WWE: DO SOMETHING WITH THIS! Mattitude and his MF'er Shannon Moore would rule. Not as much as keeping Hurricane w/ Moore, but still good.
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