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The 7 - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 12/9 Register and log in to post!
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Excalibur05
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#1 Posted on 10.12.02 0544.55
Reposted on: 10.12.09 0547.24
Last week on RAW: There wasn’t enough Triple H. Shawn Michaels and Rob Van Dam discussed clothing trends of the early 90s. Scott Steiner got to make sweet sweet love to Stephanie McMahon.

(Opening Credits)

Hey! There’s no opening match! Instead we get Eric Bischoff and The Chief! The Chief says that they’ve found the loot. Whew. That’s a relief. Bischoff, meanwhile, mentions that Triple H and Shawn Michaels will be competing at Armageddon for the WWE Dance Dance World title. But to STIPULATIONS are the key to any good match and this will be no exception. It will be a best 2 of 3 falls match that will take place like SO:

Fall One: A Hold Down the Jobbers Match. The ring is flooded with mid-carders, whoever can convince the most jobbers to job to them for the “good of the company” in ten minutes wins the first fall. Shawn Michaels has the most experience at this. Advantage: Shawn Michaels.

Fall Two: A “Work Through an Injury Match”. In this match, one body part on each wrestler will be strategically injured, and then Shawn and Hunter must try to work through the injury. The first one to break down and ask for time off loses. Triple H has worked through a torn quad and a crushed larynx, Shawn took four years off for a pussy back injury. Advantage: Triple H.

Fall Three: The Dance-Off. The Third and Decisive fall! Neither guy will participate because of the debilitating injuries suffered in the last fall. Instead it will be up to their wives to win that title. Whyspyr has the obvious advantage here, because she’s a former Nitro Girl, and probably a stripper, but you didn’t hear that from me. Stephanie is the booker. Advantage: Triple H.

Triple H gives us shock. “You mean I’M winning? NO WAY!”

Booker T and Goldust v. Lance Storm and William Regal

Lance Storm is SURE that if he can get a win here that he’s being pushed straight to the friggin’ moon. In fact, he gets so excited that he actually breaks Goldust’s leg and yells “You’re my bitch now, you bitch!” That wasn’t very nice. Jonathan Coachman takes valuable time away from his schedule of teaching Lita how not to sound like a whore to ask Goldust why he sucks so bad.

Coach: Hey, Goldust! Why do you suck so bad?
Goldust: Ow! My leg!
Coach: Man, you guys are screwed in the four team elimination match at Armageddon!
Goldust: Somebody get a doctor! I can see the bone! Oh, God! Help me!

HHH was unavailable to help Goldust.
Backstage, Chris Jericho tries to put the moves on Trish Stratus because they’re both blonde and Canadian. Trish isn’t interested in coming to Chris Jericho’s tea party, but promises him that if she runs into his wife, she’ll hook him up.

Rob Van Dam is on the phone chatting about how disturbing the lack of wrestling on this show is. Ooooh! It’s Eric Bischoff’s phone, and RVD is wasting precious long distance minutes! The Chief hangs up the phone, and RVD reveals that he was talking to Rick Steiner! Nobody cares.

Jackie…JACKIE?!?! We’re not in Texas anymore! What the hell?

(ads)

Jackie v. Stevie Richards

Well, whatever. Jackie tries to convince Stevie to job, but he’s not having any of it. They’re not in Texas! So he hands her a whuppin’. Victoria comes out to make sure that TSN doesn’t have to censor this entire segment. Then Trish comes out, because TSN is a Canadian station, and she wants to be on TV, eh.

Terri is backstage with Jeff Hardy:

TR: Hey, Jeff! Congratulations on THREE straight weeks without blowing a spot!
JH: Thanks, Terri. It hasn’t been easy, but every time I think about even attempting a spot I think, “What would Kevin Nash do?” and stop.
TR: Well, it’s too bad about tonight then.
JH: What do you mean?
TR: You have to fight HHH in a singles match!
JH: Oh, no! I’m going to blow a spot for sure. I think I’d better go hide out in my ImagiNation until it’s safe to come out!

Shawn Michaels walks by…

SM: What the hell is wrong with this fruitcake?
TR: You’re one to talk?
JH: Shawn! Yes! Can you teach me how to break my back like you? I can’t keep going out there and blowing spots.
SM: Well, shoot, son. All you need to do is go out there and wrestle a gimmick match with the Undertaker. He’ll kill you for sure!
JH: I already DID that.
SM: And?
JH: I’m fine.
SM: Well…Have a nice time jobbing to Hunter!

Jeff cries…

(ads)

”Dave” Bautista “Davidson” w/ Ric Flair v. Rob Van Dam

RVD is keeping up with Dave Davidson! He didn’t job in 15 seconds! It’s a Christmas Miracle! Unfortunately it’s all ruined when Ric Flair jumps into the ring and starts yelling at RVD about having to job to Rico. What this segment needs? A little more Kane. Kane clears the ring and then starts Lilian Garcia on fire. AHAHAHA! You’re the best, Kane!

(ads)

The Chief is trying to get Kane to tell him where the warrant is. Kane has no clue. The Chief books a match between Kane and Three Minute Warning. Kane Laughs, because…Honestly, what a bunch of jobbers.

D’Lo Brown and Christopher Nowinski v. Al Snow and Maven

In a confessional before the match, Al tells us that he was sad to have to cut Lita from Tough Enough III last week, but he just didn’t think she should be taking back bumps on a broken neck. However, Al’s broken heart ends up costing he and Maven the match, when Al sees D’Lo who has made a career of breaking necks, and falls to the mat in tears at the loss of poor Lita’s dream. Nowinski pins Al.

Goldust is about to tell Eric Bischoff that he won’t be able to wrestle at the PPV, when suddenly Booker T appears.

BT: Whachu doin’, man?
GD: Booker, I broke my friggin’ leg. I can’t wrestle.
BT: Oh, right. Damn.
GD: Oh, I’m just messing with you Booker. I’m fine. Storm’s offense is weak. Let’s go get a pizza and a whore. My treat.
BT: G-Diddy, what have I told you?
GD: Fine. TWO pizzas. But we’re still sharing the whore. I’ve got a daddy to feed.

(ads)

Triple H. w/Ric Flair v. Jeff Hardy

Jeff begs HHH to end the match before he can blow a spot, but HHH is an asshole. Jeff blows spots left and right and finally collapses in the middle of the ring in a quivering, spot blowing mass. HHH pins! My God he’s the Cerebral Assassin!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels comes out to dance around, but HHH and Flair are still in the ring. Flair tells Michaels that he’s old and should just give the hell up already. Shawn isn’t impressed. So then Ric Flair calls Shawn “Fat Boy” and tells him that his wife just got done taking a ride on “Space Mountain”. Shawn is awe struck at Flair’s promo ability and makes a note to pass the torch to him as soon as possible.

(ads)

Kane v. Three Minute Warning w/ Rico

Kane pins all three of them as they’re getting into the ring. However Three Minute Warning brings out their secret weapon Three Count w/ Tank Abbot. Kane does not note that one of Three Count is his former tag team partner. The 8-on-1 odds are a bit too much, and Hurricane can’t come out to save Kane. So out comes RVD…in HAMMER PANTS! A shocking SWERVE! RVD has joined Three Count!! There’s an extended dance sequence with RVD, Tank, and Three Count as they kick it old school. Then Kane chokeslams everyone and lights Lilian on fire again.

(ads)

Stacey Kiebler promises to hold Test’s balls if he’d just hurry up and recover from his quad injury. However, Test is more interested in learning the art of beer swilling from Coach Nash. Since it can only go downhill from here…

Randy Orton opens up the New York Stock Exchange. Cowboy stocks soar.

Chris Jericho and Chris Tian wish that Canada had a Stock Exchange that THEY could open.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels tells Ric Flair to have HHH meet him in the parking lot. I sure hope there’s an over run to cover for this!

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley and Trish Stratus v. Chrises Jericho and Tian and Victoria
in a Tag Team Tables Match

Stevie Richards runs out to make sure that NOBODY cares about this segment. Then Spike Dudley comes out to even up the sides. Everybody gets tables but nobody goes through them, because they’re filling time until the ad break here.

(ads)

There we go. Now, Booker T, Goldust, Lance Storm, William Regal, the whore, The Dallas Cowboys, three guys in scuba goggles, the HAMMER PANTS, and the entire cast of Nikelodeon TV’s “Salute Your Shorts” run out to break up any semblance of a match. That was CRAZY GO NUTS! Uh…Trish wins.

Outside!

Triple H and Shawn Michaels brawl with garden tools until Shawn finally throws HHH in the dumpster! Oh! It’s smelly in there! Then Shawn climbs up on a truck and jumps into the dumpster too! WOW! This is the greatest moment in dumpster history!

The camera guy is brave enough to climb onto the potted plants and zoom in on the mayhem inside the packing peanut and pillow filled matress dumpster. He zooms in just in time to see Spike Dudley hop into the dumpster and job to HHH. Then like Kevin Nash at the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze Shawn Michael’s hand jumps out of the dumpster and he climbs up. Then he speaks.

“And you people said I didn’t have it any more. I’ve still got it. Lookit that. I jumped off of stuff, into this other stuff. God. I’ve got packing peanuts ALL over me, don’t I. Man, nobody’s going to be able to take ANYTHING I say here seriously, are they? Dammit. Fine. No. I’m not cutting a promo. Roll CSI. Come on. CSI…I don’t care about Armageddon. HHH is going to win. Fine, I’ll cut the stupid promo. The END is NEAR For…”

Next Week: Who won the Dance Dance World Title? Why do these ads want my Bod? Where is The Warrant?

Comments, as always, are appreciated.
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tomvejada
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#2 Posted on 10.12.02 0617.50
Reposted on: 10.12.09 0618.46
"Salute Your Shorts" LOL.

Hilarious column.
gargs
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#3 Posted on 10.12.02 0837.02
Reposted on: 10.12.09 0837.13
another hilarious column. keep up the great work, Excalibur
dMr
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#4 Posted on 10.12.02 1022.47
Reposted on: 10.12.09 1025.31
"The Chief books a match between Kane and the Three Minute Warning. Kane laughs because...honestly what a bunch of jobbers".

If I knew how to insert a very smiley face I would. But I don't. Priceless nonetheless.

Do you think the Undertaker'll perform a run in in the "hold down the jobbers match" and nick the title of Shawn? Ooooh the excitement. smell those buy-rates.

And glad to see a return to matches that reach crazy go nuts status (in capitals no less!). Cant wait to see it all on Friday
Michaelangelo
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#5 Posted on 10.12.02 1142.42
Reposted on: 10.12.09 1151.13
Great stuff.

Absolutely hysterical.

If I had a torch, I'd pass it to you. Would you settle for a Vanillaroma Yankee Candle-knockoff?
Santa Sangre
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#6 Posted on 10.12.02 1653.15
Reposted on: 10.12.09 1653.51
Three count! Salute your shorts! Hammer Pants! Oh your bringing up all the memories man. Is there any way you could mix in "You cant do that on Television" next week? Keep up the good work bro.
Excalibur05
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#7 Posted on 10.12.02 1821.01
Reposted on: 10.12.09 1823.00

    Originally posted by Michaelangelo
    Great stuff.

    Absolutely hysterical.

    If I had a torch, I'd pass it to you. Would you settle for a Vanillaroma Yankee Candle-knockoff?



Anyway you can get me something in a Cinnamon? Then we'll talk about passing the candle.

Thanks to all. For the comments.

Glad the "Salute Your Shorts" reference wasn't lost on everyone.
Wolfram J. Paulovich
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#8 Posted on 10.12.02 1855.26
Reposted on: 10.12.09 1857.19
Excalibur, you are a sick, sick man. In short, my new hero. Someday I expect to laugh so hard at one of these that I get a nosebleed.
BX
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#9 Posted on 10.12.02 2331.36
Reposted on: 10.12.09 2332.11
From Last Weeks RAW Satire..

"RVD: “I’ve been thinking about changing my ring gear. Do they still make Hammer pants?"

JESUS CHRIST! CONTINUTIY! You are my new hero, Ex.
Spaceman Spiff
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#10 Posted on 11.12.02 0830.36
Reposted on: 11.12.09 0836.27
Hate to throw a wet blanket over you, but 3-Count w/ Tank Abbott would destroy Kane. Well, maybe Evan will job, so all is not lost for Kane.
spf
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#11 Posted on 12.12.02 0042.14
Reposted on: 12.12.09 0047.47
If there had been a reference to Donkey Lips in there I would have sworn this was one of the GH & Joe reports from the Shooters come back to life to kill us all. And that is a GOOD THING.
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