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The 7 - Pro Wrestling - WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/5/2002!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#1 Posted on 5.12.02 2118.37
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2122.02
Well, it's been a few weeks and it looks like UPN 65 has gotten it's problems fixed. I'm a little rusty so bear with me.

WHAT WORKED

- Jamie Noble and Nidia french kiss and you wonder if Noble was backstage earlier asking Kidman to smell his finger. Did they do that in the two weeks I didn't see? That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...." I'm sorry. Maybe I took you to a bad place. Anyway. Crash gets his ass kicked and then goes on offense and then tries to put his malformed winkie on young Nidia and gets Noble in a Styles Clash and it's over. The part where Nidia is patient while Noble goes through a personal crisis after losing is beautiful.

- Benoit talks about his kids and they really don't need to get all shoot-angly to get any wrestling fan with half a fucking brain torqued about the elimination match. But it was nice. Benoit motherfucking rules. He could have channelled Jimmy Valiant asking Lance Russell about all his ladies and it would been just as effective. Actually, if Benoit started channelling Boogie Woogie oratory stylings, I think my pants would explode. "Cole, Daddy, I GOT A BIG NUT at the end of the week! I got babies running 'round in Canada and babies running around in 'Merka and my OLD old lady and my new big mama needing that check every week. I NEED THE TITLE, BABAY! I got bills to pay, I got money to make. I got no time for half-steppin' and shucking n jiving, Daddy!" It would fucking rule. COME TO PAPA!

- Eddy and Chavo talk about how the perfect world would have them with all the belts. They refer back to Grandma and we all weep as they get focused- FOCUSED- ~~~~FOCUSED~~~~ on taking over the WWE. Godspeed, greatest wrestler in North America and your nephew!

- Kidman has the belt and Chavo deserves it so I'm excited for a second. Chavo works on the ribs and then Schneider calls and my mind wanders off. Kidman makes it easy for me to not pay attention. Then they bump big and I no longer pay attention to Phil yammering about Jumbo Tsuruta and Billy Robinson. Kidman retains and I'm can't give a shit anymore. Kidman is the most boring wrestler on earth even if he takes one giant bump a match.

- Fatal Fourway starts in progress for some reason. Edge fights out of the endless knee-breakage. Angle and Benoit are fun grinding Edges knee into powder. A powder that Albert will not grind it into in such a fun way. Angle opts TO BUMP LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING FREAK. Edge sells the knee well and then whips out that stupid looking single man flapjack and everybody flies out of the ring. Angle and Eddy go at it in the ring and Eddy is more fun punching Angle in the face than vice versa. Eddy also has better suplexes. Eddy with the sweet armdrag out of the Anglesault into the WWE Dangerous Backdrop. Benoit hits the Diving Headbutt and it rules as Eddy kicks out as Angle had kicked out of Eddy's finisher. Angle flies over the toprope and Benoit and Eddy go at it as Edge spears Eddy and Benoit hits the Crossface to eliminate Eddy. The question by this point is- why is Edge still in this? They do some stuff and do the ref bump and Edge eliminates Benoit after Eddy hits Benoit with his belt- as they are kinda randomly booking this match. Edge fights out of Angle's extended ankle lock after the chairshots and the endless beating it took when three guys were destroying it. This would be bad booking and bad wrestling. So the commercial kicks in and I opt to rewind the tape. We are left with the least possible singles match which is still a fine match if they would have lost the stupid chairshots-to-the-knee crap which makes it an annoying match-up. Edge sells the knee after the belly-to-belly. Then they go into a bunch of nearfalls. They do a neat part where Edge hits a toprope missile dropkick and sells the knee up and after, leading to Edge trying to get out of the ankle lock and they draw it out for a while. Angle hits the toprope Angle Slam for the win. Big Show does some chokeslamming and I no longer have to care. Fun match but it was the least of what it could be, I would say. I like being able to bitch about a match this good. That says wrestling is really fucking great in this country now.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

- ALBERT IS CRAZY! He's trying to break Rey Rey's leg! This is supposed to make me give a shit about Albert!

- Oh, I don't know about this impending Edge vs Albert feud. I see the facade of EDGE- THE SUPERWRESTLER about to fade. I got no beef with young Albert. He's got a fine lookin limited Power Arsenal kinda. He's sooo much better than the Warlord or something. He can sell kinda. But, the problem for our man, young Edge is that... He's not Eddy Guerrerro. That Albert, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. In terms of carrying Edge, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert does not equal Eddy Guerrerro. That bodes ill for Edge and his string of good matches. He'll be wrestling Albert. Not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy Guerrerro is better than Albert. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Edge is wrestling Albert. Edge will not be wrestling Eddy. Albert is not Eddy. I would venture that Albert is less than Eddy. Eddy is better than Albert.

- Bill Dermott is coming to Smackdown. Boy, he's all intense and loud! He is! Did you hear him? YELLING! Boy, he really has never had a wrestling match I've ever wanted to see ever. Nope. None. Seen all of them. Even in W*ING when he was Crash The Terminator. He really sucks. Sucks dick. He sucks. He is INVADING! Smackdown and is gonna EARN SOME RESPECT! Boy, that'll suck. He sucks. Then he squashes Funaki. Jesus Christ, he is TEACHING people to throw punches and kicks as suck ass as that? Wow. The word of the segment is: SUCK. Nice Moonsault. There. Mo from Men On A Mission had a nice moonsault too. Maybe they will bring him in for a special Battle Of The Crappy Suck Ass Wrestlers With Moonsaults Moonsault Battle! MOONSAULT BATTLE! LOSER CAN NEVER DO THE MOONSAULT! EVER! NEVER EVER! WOW!

- Stephanie does a lot of talking and they show highlights of her going off and fucking Scott Steiner- an act that causes Bischoff to lose all ability to act, it seems.

- Hey Russo is ghostwriting the Torrie/ Dawn Marie skits. Lesbianism is soooooo lame compared to Al Wilson unleashing the purple people eater. That sucked. Come on, shithead writers of the WWE- we ain't afraid of a little dick in our quasi-porno angles. Fucking needle-dicked pussies.

- Lesnar is talking in a garage in Minneapolis instead of bumping like a freak for someone in the ring and then it's a FACE TO FACE over the video monitor! Just like in the old Apter mags! The Big Show looks kinda like Nikolai Volkov in that suit. All he needs is the cent signs. Heyman hides his wood while talking about spanking Brock Lesnar and Heyman goes kinda flaming and suddenly I'm in love with this. Then he talks about screwing Brock Lesnar and enjoying screwing Brock Lesnar. And you and I weep love's easy tears. We've all been THERE before, one way or another. Heyman compliments Brock on the screwing and the spanking and we enjoy the homoerotic love between men tragically seperated by video screens. The Big Show is cut off before he can speak and we also thank God for that. Maybe this worked.

- Did Mo actually rap? Oh wait, Oscar. K-Kwik is a shitty rapper. Did Swoll ever rap? P N News? Yeah, sure. Cena- best rappin' rezzla. Unbelievably, they beat up Rikishi. Oh, that's Bull Buchanon- BOY! Smackdown is stockin' the lake with shit lately. Taz dances and we all feel bad for him. You want to reach through the screen and hug him and tell him to go ahead and sit down. It's cool. You take a chance sometimes in situations. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

- They need to stop saying the word "bully". It sounds stupid. They said it like 200 times. If Albert started taking Edge's lunch money, that would be great and I would back their "Bully"-usage 100%. He didn't. What Albert did do to Edge was not be Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Albert is a bully. A bully that is not Eddy.

- God, first UPN 65 goes off the air for two weeks and now THIS! Right after the Elimination Match, it's signal gets crossed up with the worst Cinemax After Dark movie I've ever seen. Something about a woman who is solving a crime involving her father and has to do lesbianic things with this leathery stripper. God, none of these Cinemax porno queens can act. Jesus.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.


(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 5.12.02 2219)

(edited by DEAN RASMUSSEN on 5.12.02 2232)
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BigDaddyLoco
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#2 Posted on 5.12.02 2141.08
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2142.20

    - Bill Dermott is coming to Smackdown. Boy, he's all intense and loud! He is! Did you hear him? YELLING! Boy, he really has never had a wrestling match I've ever wanted to see ever. Nope. None. Seen all of them. Even in W*ING when he was Crash The Terminator. He really sucks. Sucks dick. He sucks. He is INVADING! Smackdown and is gonna EARN SOME RESPECT! Boy, that'll suck. He sucks. Then he squashes Funaki. Jesus Christ, he is TEACHING people to throw punches and kicks as suck ass as that? Wow. The word of the segment is: SUCK. Nice Moonsault. There. Mo from Men On A Mission had a nice moonsault too. Maybe they will bring him in for a special Battle Of The Crappy Suck Ass Wrestlers With Moonsaults Moonsault Battle! MOONSAULT BATTLE! LOSER CAN NEVER DO THE MOONSAULT! EVER! NEVER EVER! WOW!


That is goddamn fucking poetry right there DEAN. I am in love with that paragraph because it says all the things I've ever tried to say about Huge Erection.
Mandark
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#3 Posted on 5.12.02 2147.24
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2159.02
"I like being able to bitch about a match this good. That says wrestling is really fucking great in this country now."

Man, I feel like I should paypal Dean just for saying what every reviewer/recapper should have said after spending 90% of their text talking bad about a match they shower with snowflakes.

Sooper dooper recap, I giggled out loud like a schoolgirl.

edit: Hey, I saw Hugh Morrus/Rection/Bill Demott live at the last Starrcade ever. He wrestled the most bearhuglicious match ever against Shane Douglas. It wasn't even good, Brock Lesnar-ish bearhugging either. It was really boring, pointless, stand-up bearhuggery. You've never seen a crowd turn on someone for shitty work like that (well, okay, Booker vs. Buff on Raw).

(edited by Mandark on 5.12.02 2249)
joecollins
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#4 Posted on 5.12.02 2148.21
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2159.03
I think we can take two things from this report.
Eddy is Eddy.
And Albert is Albert.

I was hoping for SOMEONE to call Edge's spotty selling of the knee injury, and agree 100% with you Dean that the Edge "knee injury" before the match hurt the overall quality of the match, but was still excellent.
The King of Keith
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#5 Posted on 5.12.02 2152.47
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2159.05
Ya, God forbid the WWE try to push new workers into the fold instead of giving us a variation of the same six workers week in and out. Give Albert a freaking chance! He's almost as big as the Show and about 100 times quicker and more agile. This angle with Edge will show us what he's got. I'd like to think that he does have it.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#6 Posted on 5.12.02 2221.46
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2223.19

    Originally posted by VanillaSky
    Ya, God forbid the WWE try to push new workers into the fold instead of giving us a variation of the same six workers week in and out. Give Albert a freaking chance! He's almost as big as the Show and about 100 times quicker and more agile. This angle with Edge will show us what he's got. I'd like to think that he does have it.


DR: Oh I got no beef with Albert. I'm just saying that Albert isn't Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Albert isn't Eddy. Edge will wrestle Albert. Edge will not wrestle Eddy.

That's all I'm saying.

DEAN.
fuelinjected
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#7 Posted on 5.12.02 2252.05
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2253.19
Since when is Albert a new worker? He's had push after push for the past 3 years and the only time he got remotely over was as a comedy act.
Teppan-Yaki
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#8 Posted on 5.12.02 2306.30
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2306.56
That's because he wore a *shirt*.

Can I trademark Albert's sick-looking backbreaker/rack/stunner's name as the "Hairball"? Just wondering.

And the purple people eater -- classic, Dean. Good to have the report back.
spf
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#9 Posted on 5.12.02 2339.46
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2342.41
Dean....have faith in your aging but still feisty stud Al. I have no doubt that he was merely resting up after a great deal of strenuous attacks using his mighty meat saber. And being the stud he is, even his nympho woman Dawn knew no other man could ever bring the hot hot lovin' like Al, so she figured she'd go for the next best thing and just pray that it ran in the family. Makes perfect sense to me.
CruelAngel777
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#10 Posted on 5.12.02 2341.09
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2344.44
So Rey is shelfed a WEEK before he shows up here in Georgia. I really hope the SMACKDOWN writers get raped by Satan so rigourously when they get to hell. Not only was I frustrated by that, Funaki had to lose, and this fucking Dragon Ball Z Budokai video game frustrated the hell out of me all day...

Who wants a DBZ Budokai game or tickets to next weeks Smackdown?
The King of Keith
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#11 Posted on 5.12.02 2347.01
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2348.56
You would forsake all the great smackdown workers (i.e. Angle, Edge, Los Guerreros, Benoit, et al.) just because Rey Misterio isn't going to be there? Rey's been in need of some knee surgery for quite a while.

Albert is "new" as in "different". I want some variety on my shows. Not to say I don't love the Superb Six. I just want to see them work their malice on other people.
Shem the Penman
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#12 Posted on 5.12.02 2358.16
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2359.03
Yeah ... just think back to 2000 when the Hardyz, the Dudleyz, and Edge and Christian were ruling the roost in the tag ranks, feuding with each other constantly and having great matches in various combinations. And it was fun while it lasted, but after a while it got to be tiresome, watching these guys wrestle each other again and again and AGAIN, hitting the same spots again and again and AGAIN. And when those teams broke up and moved on, there was no one to replace them because they'd never feuded with anyone else to elevate them. Hence the sad state of the tag ranks in 2002.

You can only mix'n'match Edge/Benoit/Angle/Rey/Guerreros in so many ways. No, I'm not looking forward to an Edge/Albert feud, but at least they're trying to create new matchups. If nothing else, based on tonight, a Chavo/Kidman feud would be great to watch, and could be very good for Kidman, who's physically gifted but can't seem to draw heat unless he's getting the shit kicked out of him.
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#13 Posted on 6.12.02 0404.48
Reposted on: 6.12.09 0406.22
DEAN typed:

    That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...." I'm sorry. Maybe I took you to a bad place. Anyway.


DEAN-only a man from VA, the deep South or the eastern shore could understand the Noble-Nidia love affair as you do. Make the connection for us urban/suburban types!!


Vanilla Sky--weren't we in that other thread where you were saying that Test deserverd more chances as well? I don't get it. I'm for fresh faces and variety as much as the next fan, but *I* think there's a difference between fresh, good variety and meidocore variety for variety's sake.


DrOp--big fan of putting the belts on and giving extended TV time to the better workers. Albert and Test not being two of them.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#14 Posted on 6.12.02 0855.12
Reposted on: 6.12.09 0857.26

    Originally posted by spf2119
    Dean....have faith in your aging but still feisty stud Al. I have no doubt that he was merely resting up after a great deal of strenuous attacks using his mighty meat saber. And being the stud he is, even his nympho woman Dawn knew no other man could ever bring the hot hot lovin' like Al, so she figured she'd go for the next best thing and just pray that it ran in the family. Makes perfect sense to me.


DR: But I would far rather see an entire UPN Thursday Night Movie about Al Wilson's adventures in the fleshpots of Bangkok and his loving spree across Europe than anything they could possibly produce that's supposedly "edgy" and "controversial" as this quasi-lesbianic angle. Which they will puss out of anyway.

And DrOP, I no longer want to think about that aspect of my redneck upbringing.

DEAN. So many friends, so many fingers...
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#15 Posted on 6.12.02 0912.40
Reposted on: 6.12.09 0913.08
Oh, I don't know about this impending Dean vs Al Wilson feud. I see the facade of Dean- THE SUPERFLESHLOVER to about to fade. I got no beef with young Dean. He's got a fine lookin limited Two Pump Chump kinda. He's sooo much better than the Warlord or something. He can sell hot sex kinda. But, the problem for our man, young Dean is that... He's not Al Wilson. That Dean, he's not Al Wilson. In terms of carrying himself as a flesh lovin' sex machine, he's not Al Wilson. Dean is not Al Wilson. Dean does not equal Al Wilson. That bodes ill for Dean and his string of strange. He'll be flesh lovin' with Dean. Not Al Wilson. Al Wilson is better than Dean. Dean is not Al Wilson. Al Wilson is Al Wilson. Dean is Dean. Dean is flesh lovin' Dean. Dean will not be flesh lovin' Al Wilson. Dean is not Al Wilson. I would venture that Dean is less than Al Wilson. Al Wilson is better than Dean.

DEAN RASMUSSEN
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#16 Posted on 6.12.02 0944.10
Reposted on: 6.12.09 0944.39
Dean is not Al Wilson. Al Wilson is Al Wilson.
shea
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#17 Posted on 6.12.02 0948.08
Reposted on: 6.12.09 0948.21
... let me see if I understand this:

The Geurreros are the tag team champs. (way cool)

So OF COURSE they are then split up to compete in SEPARATE matches, going for OTHER titles.

And to add insult to injury, in the aforementioned LAME singles matches, neither Eddy NOR Chavo come out to support the other (and provide the obligatory heel interference).

To which I say: what the F---?????

hey Steph -- you have tag team champs, why not USE THEM AS SUCH.

There was an opportunity in last night's show to give FOUR more wrestlers some air time (tag challengers, cruiser challenger, and 4-way fodder) , and to push Eddy&Chavo as a championship team. But of course that didn't happen. So I ask again: what the f---????

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#18 Posted on 6.12.02 1045.09
Reposted on: 6.12.09 1045.19
There are only so many teams they can face off against at the moment. It's not like they never defend the titles, it was just a one week split. Hasn't seemed to cause a problem with Jericho & Christian doing it and Christian didn't even have a title to compete for.
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#19 Posted on 6.12.02 1412.51
Reposted on: 6.12.09 1412.59
Thank you once again Dean as I was unable to watch Smackdown due to a Flyers ticket with my name on it.

Parts Unknown
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#20 Posted on 7.12.02 0027.05
Reposted on: 7.12.09 0029.01

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...."


Wow. Just...wow.
This is one of those surreal moments like when you're reading Stephen King and he bitches about people having to look at their kleenex after blowing their nose and you understand and are like "YES, I KNOW, STEPHEN! FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT!"

This finger-smelling incident actually happened to me once. YOU ALL SHOULD COME TO OKLAHOMA RIGHT NOW.

Thank you, DEAN~!
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