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The 7 - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 12/2 Population: HHH
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#1 Posted on 3.12.02 1433.03
Reposted on: 3.12.09 1434.53
Last week on RAW: Triple H returned to corporeal form. Shawn Michaels wrestled Rob Van Dam and the reanimated Owen Hart. Plus, Chris Jericho and Chris Tian got nekkid. Oh, Boy…

(Opening Credits)

Three Minute Warning w/ Rico v. Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley

Spike Dudley comes running out in the middle of the match because he forgot his cue. Expect him to job to HHH every week from now until March. There are four big guys in this match so it had to have sucked. Reverend D-Von misses the 3-D! Testify! Nobody gets tables, but the Dudleyz still win.

Triple H and Ric Flair are backstage talking about their new Four Horseman with ”Dave” Bautista “Davidson”, when suddenly Spike Dudley jumps out and jobs to HHH. Flair turns his attention tonight where…Hey…wait. Commercial…Oh NO!


THE AD BREAK HAS KILLED THE DUDLEYZ! Somebody get some Bounty Brand Paper Towels! This one is going to get messy… Even Chris Jericho, Chris Tian and Three Minute Warning are shocked and appalled.

Sean Morely feels that he hasn’t had enough name changes in the last year, so he asks Eric Bischoff to come up with a new name for him. Bischoff suggests Chief Morely, because Morely isn’t Native American. Morely suggests that they just call him The Chief. Triple H comes in to break up this thrilling gimmick change and wants to know who will be jobbing to him tonight. Bischoff says RVD, and The Chief says “AND a special guest referee!” Look out HHH, sounds dangerous!


Ivory v. Trish Stratus

What…Huh? Oh. Yeah…Trish. Zzzzzzz…

Backstage, well hell, we MUST be in Texas because it’s Jacqueline. Victoria rolls her eyes.

“You know hunny, we in Texas, so I gots to have a match!”
“Ugh. Can’t you go bother Molly. Or…I don’t know. Stacy?”
“Molly still works here?”
“Whatever. I’m the women’s champion. You can’t make me job to you JUST because we’re in Texas!”
“It’s in my contract, babe. I’ll see yo ass in the ring.”

Victoria cries.


Before you die, you see Jerry Lawler.

Al Roker went through a table…See, I told you!

Chris Jericho says…Some stuff. You want transcriptions? I’m too lazy to come up with anything, so too bad. Chris Nowinski and D’Lo Brown go over strategy for their Heat match in the backgroud. Guys, you already wrestled that match! What do you mean by this “kayfabe”?

Jeff Hardy and Tommy Dreamer v. Lance Storm and William Regal

Lance cries softly realizing that his push is in vain, and that there are too many teams ahead of him right now. Regal cheers Lance up by letting him beat up Tommy Dreamer. Jeff reads a book instead of wrestling, and thus cannot blow any spots. Good for him! That’s three weeks in a row, Jeff!

Ric Flair promises to show the world the REAL “Dave” Bautista “Davidson”. The one that was orphaned at birth, had no mother or father, nobody to love him. Dave starts crying. Flair yells at the camera man to cut to commercial.


The Hurricane v. “Dave” Bautista “Davidson” w/ Ric Flair

In the time that it took you to read that, Hurricane was pinned, out of the ring, and back to the locker room. Here’s a little quiz to make up for it!

What this segment needs:

a) Better wrestlers
b) More time
c) A new writer
d) Chris Benoit~!~!~!
e) A Little more Kane

If you said “e” then you know your stuff. This segment needed a little more Kane, who comes out and attacks Bautista. Ric Flair is deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.


Terri is backstage with WWE Dance Dance World Champion Shawn Michaels who is dancing by the power of the Spirit. Shawn tells Teri that he would love to have another match with RVD on PPV, but everybody knows he’s fighting HHH anyway, so whatever. Rob Van Dam comes into the frame.

“Umm…Hey…Shawn. I couldn’t help but overhear you. You don’t think I’ve got a chance to win tonight?”
“Rob, you have about as much chance of winning as Zubaz do making a comeback.”
“Man, I loved Zubaz. I used wear the zebra print ones and pretend to be New Kids on the Block! I mean…That’s what my sister used to do…”
“Uh…Rob, you don’t have a sister.”

Eric Bischoff enters…

EB: “Hey guys, whatcha talking about?”
SM: “Uh…Zubaz.”
RVD: “And the New Kids on the Block”
EB: “Tubular dudes! I have all their 8 Tracks.”

John Cena enters…

JC: “Jigga what? Wizzerd to your mama!”
SM: “Remember when I was in the Rockers? THOSE WERE AWESOME OUTFITS!”
RVD: “I’ve been thinking about changing my ring gear. Do they still make Hammer pants?”
EB: “Shawn Michaels, you will be the special guest referee tonight in the HHH/RVD match.”

Booker T. v. Chris Jericho

Booker T. brings in the funny by making fun of Chris Jericho’s penis. Booker T. says that his first movie appearance will be in Eight Mile. Whoa…That means, Booker would have to invent a time machine, travel back in time star in the movie, and then come back so as not to destroy the fragile space/time balance in the universe. Booker T. truly is a god among men. Like HHH. Unfortunately, I don’t have a time machine, so since I forgot to watch the match while my mind was boggling at the physics of Booker T’s time travel. Thankfully, The Chief is out to tell the gumshoes to restart the match so that I could watch it this time!


Booker T. and Goldust v. Chrises Jericho and Tian

Hey! Wait! This isn’t the last match. This is a completely different match! That dastardly Chief! To it’s credit, this match was more crazy go nuts than the last one. All sorts of near falls and all that stuff that people like. Jericho hits Booker with one of the title belts and pins him. The Chief doesn’t come out to try to catch him though. That’s Greg Lee’s job.


Stone Cold Steve Austin is back at it again, this time destroying one of Vince McMahon’s cars. Steve, this isn’t good! Your parole officer might be watching! Do you want to go to jail, Steve? If they show the Brian Pillman sketch, you’re done for!

Coach Nash watches approvingly as Test refuses to wrestle on his torn quad, and instead makes out with Stacy Kiebler. Coach Nash is kind of creepy like that. They all decide to go out for beers rather than train and wheel out of the room.

Jacqueline v. Victoria
For Not The WWE Women’s Title

Jackie is kicking herself for not making this a title match, seeing as she ALWAYS wins in Texas (it’s in her contract). Sure enough, she beats Victoria. Nobody’s more pissed off at this than Trish Stratus who has to wait until they get all the way the hell up to Toronto before she can beat Victoria. Stevie Richards comes out to help Victoria win…oops.


Stevie and Victoria wait out the ad break. They’re such troopers. Victoria calls out anybody freakier than her. Scott Steiner fits the bill. He beats the crap out of both Victoria and Stevie. Then he blesses us with a poem.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
TNN censors love it
When I say “Fuck You”.

Eric Bischoff comes out to tell Steiner how much he loved the poem. So much that he’s got a surprise waiting for him backstage…Is it a brand new truck? No, it’s The Godfather’s Hoes stolen from him while he’s in Europe, I guess they weren’t part of the WWA trade, huh? Steiner says he’s already got the biggest ho of them all. Stephanie McMahon. She says, “Boom Shakalaka!” This segment was wiggity wack.


Randy Orton reminds us that he exists, but Jim Ross has the balls to interupt him! You never interrupt the son of a cowboy in Texas, J.R.! But we MUST go backstage to see HHH and Shawn Michaels mocking each other. Shawn dances with the power of baptism out the door. Did Shane McMahon ever dance this much? Hey! New number one contender for the Dance Dance World Title! Shane McMahon! He’s got enough stroke to get it done. And he’d be willing to job it off so long as it was to Steve Blackman.

Triple H v. Rob Van Dam
For the Number One Contendership to the WWE Dance Dance World Title
Special Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels

Shawn must have lost the “Special Guest Referee Biker Shorts”. Sorry, ladies. Triple H pedigrees RVD seven times, but Shawn can’t count, so HHH can’t get the pin. Finally, after a sledgehammer shot, two chair shots, three more Pedigrees, a couple moves using one or the other knee, hiring Rikishi to run over RVD with a car, having sex with a mannequin representing RVD’s non-existent sister, and getting Stephanie to talk to Vince for him, HHH gets Shawn to count the pinfall.

Referees and officials rush the ring to celebrate this glorious occasion, but HHH and HBK fight them off, because this is a Kliq only party. Then Scott Hall and X-Pac come out wearing “Will Job for Food” shirts, and Coach Nash comes wheeling out. They all hug, and a cage is lowered around the ring, to keep Justin Credible’s ghost out. Finally! The Kliq is back in power! Viva La Jobbers!

Next Week on RAW: Shawn Michaels asks “What Would Not Jesus Do?” when confronted with the choice of beating up HHH or saving a child’s life. Did Scott Steiner give Stephanie McMahon the big “O”? Did I just type that? Eww…

As always comments are welcome and encouraged.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 3.12.02 1435)
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#2 Posted on 3.12.02 1613.01
Reposted on: 3.12.09 1614.35
God, that was funny. Seriously, that was fun to read. I loved the Lawler line. Keep up the good work. Your sense of humor enlightens us all...err...some other inspirational words from the guy who just quit.
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#3 Posted on 3.12.02 1742.44
Reposted on: 3.12.09 1752.00
Pretty funny, Excalibur.
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#4 Posted on 3.12.02 1953.05
Reposted on: 3.12.09 1953.49

    Originally posted by gugs
    God, that was funny. Seriously, that was fun to read. I loved the Lawler line. Keep up the good work. Your sense of humor enlightens us all...err...some other inspirational words from the guy who just quit.

Well, I'm certainly sorry to see you go, but thank's for the words of encouragement.
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#5 Posted on 3.12.02 2320.23
Reposted on: 3.12.09 2320.24
As always funny stuff...the mental picture of RVD in "Hammer pants" alone did it for me.

Keep up the good work.
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#6 Posted on 4.12.02 0146.09
Reposted on: 4.12.09 0152.03
It's a toss-up for me between the Lawler gag and the conversation among Michaels, RVD and Bischoff. The first one is evilly funny... plus it has that nice understated pat aspect to it. But the second one almost made me spray wine on my keyboard.

It's probably best that I not think about it, especially because I'm wondering what Lawler would be doing just before I died.
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#7 Posted on 4.12.02 0755.54
Reposted on: 4.12.09 0759.02
I'll be honest.
Usually I don't think your satire bits are that funny at all (though somehow I do read them every week) but this one was funny..the NKOTB, Hammer pants..awesome
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#8 Posted on 4.12.02 1620.18
Reposted on: 4.12.09 1624.05
A whole RAW and nothing went "crazy go nuts"?! man what is the wrestling world coming to?

Very funny as always thoough. Loved the Jackie/Victoria skit
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#9 Posted on 5.12.02 2132.27
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2132.42
I hadn't had to try to stop laughing this much for a long time.
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#10 Posted on 5.12.02 2308.31
Reposted on: 5.12.09 2308.46

    Originally posted by dMr
    A whole RAW and nothing went "crazy go nuts"?! man what is the wrestling world coming to?

    Very funny as always thoough. Loved the Jackie/Victoria skit

Eh. There were things that were close to Crazy Go Nuts status, the closest thing was the Booker/Jericho match, but I missed a bunch of that. Steiner/Victoria was either crazy or go nuts, but it wasn't both.

Glad you all enjoyed it.
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