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#1 Posted on 18.11.02 0307.51
Reposted on: 18.11.09 0309.46
Why not?

On Heat

Stacy said that Test would like Saliva to cover his Testicles. Eric Bischoff was going to make out with Stephanie, but then found out that she wasn’t on this PPV. To show his anger at the lack of wrestling on this show, Tommy Dreamer hit Lance Storm and William Regal with a cane..


Jamal, Rosie, and Rico v. Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley and Jeff Hardy
Survivor Tables Match

A match?! This…Oh, wait, this is a Pay Per View, never mind. Bubba is mad that there isn’t a single Eight Person Survivor Tag match on this show, so he calls out the fourth man for his team, Reverend D-Von! Backstage, Faarooq is like, “Damn.” To counter, Jamal calls out his fourth man, Plummeting Buy Rates. This is just like 2000, all over again, with Bubba and D-Von as the Dudleys, Spike and Jeff as the Hardyz, and Rosie and Jamal as Fat Edge and Christian. And Rico as…uh…a ladder. Jeff Hardy drops his hanky, causing Rico to exclaim, “Get over here and pick this up, Jeff, Goddammit.” D-Von hears Rico take the Lords name in vain and puts him through a table giving the win to The Dudley Hardyz.

Billy Kidman v. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia
for the WWE Cruiserweight Title

Who the hell are these people? Oh…That’s right. I don’t do Smackdown. Dammit…That means I don’t have any material for this match. Not that I would, because they just threw this one together. Aw hell…Noble is winning when, Al Wilson comes down and tries to get Billy to talk some sense into his daughter (Smackdown’s Torrie Wilson), but Billy isn’t sure whether or not he’s supposed to be dating Torrie this week or not. Suddenly, Tough Enough’s Al Snow comes down to tell Nidia that, he’s reviewing her progress at all times, and unfortunately, she’s been cut. Nidia tries to argue that she WON the competition, but Tough Enough’s Linda Miles and Jackie Gayda come to take her back to OVW. While all of this is going on, Eric Bischoff announces that this match has been traded to RAW as part of the Big Show trade, and HHH runs out to stop these Cruiserweight shenanigans on HIS show. Billy Kidman sneaks away with the Cruiserweight belt in the melee, so we’ll just assume that he won it…

Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit(…Oh My God! Chris Benoit! I get to review a Chris Benoit segment! Oh, I’m marking out so hard that the tilde key on my keyboard has ceased to function! I’ll have to use the “At” symbol! Chris Benoit @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!) hug.

Trish Stratus v. Victoria
A Hardcore Match for the Women’s Title

A hardcore women’s match? Does this mean that it’ll end in the shower? Oh wait. It didn’t. Victoria hits Trish with a giant stuffed moose head and says, “How do you like Canada now, eh?” And then she pins Trish.

Big Show is backstage with Eric Bischoff.
“I bet you’re sorry you traded me now!”
“Not really, I mean, this is a deus ex machina I can use for MONTHS. Any time something happens, I can say it was because I traded you.”
“To be totally honest, I would have given you up for Stephanie’s full set of Captain Planet pogs.”
“Man…I can’t blame you. I love pogs.”

Elsewhere, in another corridor, Paul Heyman stands by with Brock Lesner:
“Tonight, I, Paul Heyman guarantee victory for The Big Show.”
“Oh, come on, you didn’t see this turn coming?”
“No. It came as a total shock to me, Paul. And to think, I shared my deepest secrets with you. My love for ponies, my Scott Baio calendar, my family’s secret Triscuit Pizza recipe. I trusted you Paul!”
Brock weeps softly as Paul comforts him as best he can. Scott Baio is EXTREME!

Eddie and Chavo Guerrerrerrrererrrro v. Edge/Rey Misterio v. Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle
WWE Tag Team Championships

This match was crazy go nuts. Angle and Benoit eliminated each other three seconds when they could not settle their disagreement as to who was Scott Keith’s favorite. Edge on the other hand was contented by the fact that he was pretty and most of his fans were girls. The finish came when Rey stopped wrestling to look for one of his contacts and Eddie locked him in the “Lasso From Del Taco”.

Matt Hardy and Chris Nowinksi compliment each other’s methods of cheap heel heat. OMG! SMACKDOWN/RAW CROSSOVER!!!! Just as the discussion turns to New York, Scott Steiner comes out and beats the ever loving crap out of a member of the medical staff. The crowd pops. As Steiner is dragged away, he says, “This goes to all my lawyers out there, Big Poppa Pump needs a hook-up, Holla, if you hear me.” Sorry…That didn’t actually happen. What actually happened is that Scott came out and quoted Dickens.

Hey! Randy Orton!

Triple H v. Chris Jericho v. RVD v. Booker T. v. Kane v. Shawn Michaels
The Elimination Chamber for the WWE World Title

RVD enters first and is eliminated. Then the second participant, HHH makes his entrance, saying that he’s glad that RVD won’t be in the same ring, because he’s heard that RVD works sloppy. Van Dam goes back to get the banana peal he dropped in the ring, but slips on it and crushes HHH’s throat. Chris Jericho eliminates Booker T., when Booker tells Jericho that he’s a “sucka” and Jericho kicks him in the crotch. Jericho may be a “sucka” but there’s no way he’s losing to the guy who jobbed to Rosie and Jamal not too long ago. Kane, suddenly realizing that the face to heel ratio is now 1:1, eliminates himself by Chokeslamming Himself Straight to Hell, By Gawd. Because he can’t take the pressure of being in the same ring as two members of the Kliq, Chris Jericho throws himself “through” some “plexiglass”, but both HHH and HBK feel above pinning him. Also it seems that they fibbed on some of the construction materials. It seems that, other than the two miles of steel chain, the entire chamber was constructed out of paper mache’ and popsicle sticks by Mrs. Miller’s second grade class. The more you know. Jericho finally is eliminated when he puts the Walls of Jericho on HHH’s crushed throat, and HBK, realizing that HHH may job to somebody who is not him, kicks Jericho in the face. Poor Jericho. Finally, it’s down to this. HHH v. Shawn Michaels for control of the WWE. World Title. HHH tries hard not to job, but the body of Justin Credible is too weak to carry on, and Shawn Michaels has learned some new moves since taking the Lord into his heart, so it is HBK who winds up with the title. He promises the crowd that he’ll take it back to Texas and shine it up real nice so that it won’t get rusty while he’s sitting at home not defending it. Meanwhile, HHH dies after two miles of steel chain collapse onto him due to the shoddy construction of the chamber. HHH’s spirit wanders the streets of New York looking for a new body as HBK dances and the PPV comes to an end…

See you tomorrow night!

(edited by Excalibur05 on 18.11.02 0312)
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#2 Posted on 18.11.02 0643.05
Reposted on: 18.11.09 0643.53
"Man, I can't blame you. I love pogs."

Line of the week.
Endoplasmic Paperbags
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#3 Posted on 18.11.02 2049.22
Reposted on: 18.11.09 2052.12
"Crazy Go Nuts?" Do you watch Homestar Runner, my friend, or do I miss my guess?

Funny as hell. Rico as a ladder...right up my absurd alley.
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#4 Posted on 18.11.02 2113.17
Reposted on: 18.11.09 2113.22
    Originally posted by Endoplasmic Paperbags
    "Crazy Go Nuts?" Do you watch Homestar Runner, my friend, or do I miss my guess?

No, you're pretty well right on. I love that line, so I try to quote it at least once per day.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 18.11.02 2116)
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