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The 7 - Guest Columns - RAW Satire 11/4/02
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#1 Posted on 4.11.02 2334.05
Reposted on: 4.11.09 2337.01
Last Week on RAW:

Triple H died. Again. Shawn Michaels made his comeback to the WWE Dance Circuit and WAR GAMES~!~~~~!!~!!

(Opening Credits)

Raw Begins with a shot of Eric Bischoff from one of his new cameras. He watches a tape of him making out with Stephanie McMahon, which he received as part of the Big Show trade. He wonders who he’d have to trade to get the rest, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, just ask HHH.

HBK is modeling his new shirt. “The better to dance with,” he says. He fails to add “And Prayin’”. Shame!

Jamal and Rosie (w/Rico) v. Bubba Ray Dudley and Jeff Hardy

Holy crap! A match. Everybody blows spots until Spike runs out to bump like crazy go nuts. But the power of Jamal and Rosie’s new music is too much for Jeff Hardy, and he succumbs to its power.


Victoria and Ivory are back stage. Victoria is crazy about Trish Stratus! Ivory is sad because she misses Velocity.

Trish Stratus v. Ivory

Trish Stratus and Lilian have sex. Victoria provides awesome commentary unseen since Jazz did it. Um…Ivory loses, because she was wearing the Purple Pants of Jobbing. After the match Victoria attacks Trish because Trish stole her idea of wearing shiny cowboy hats. Jerry Lawler fails to say Hymen, but that’s probably because he’s drunk.


Victoria takes her anger about Ivory’s job on Teri, who would’ve stripped if Victory had just asked. Fortunately, Randy Orton drops by to say hello, sparing us the HLA that we were sure to get. Um…Wait…I mean…DAMN YOU RAND…Never mind. Can’t get worked up.

Ric Flair is backstage for a séance with Bischoff in which they will try to contact the Ghost of HHH. The Ghost of HHH complains that he hasn’t been on the show enough tonight, even though he’s dead. Bischoff tries to make up for it by telling tGoHHH that he can do run-ins on every match for the rest of the night. Ric Flair wants to know what’s up with Bischoff making out with Stephanie and Bischoff just smiles and says that he “hads to have a piece of that ass.” tGoHHH ponders if he meant that literally as…

Lance Storm and William Regal come out to wrestle. Storm is afraid that he’ll have to job tonight because he is wearing stupid tights. Nobody cares because they are interrupted by…

Scott Stiener who wants you to Holla if you hear him. What. Is he deaf?

Lance Storm and William Regal v. Tommy Dreamer and Al Snow

Chris Nowinski forgets to run in so the guys just kind of stand there in the ring. William Regal is sad because everyone is chanting “ECW” and he was never in ECW. Eventually, Tommy Dreamer starts hitting himself with Kendo sticks to get the action over, and passes out, allowing Lance Storm to score the pin.

Shawn Michaels dances around with love for the Lord. And looks for the Ghost of HHH. So that he can re-kill it.


Stacy Kiebler admits to Test that beastiality wasn’t really the way to go last week, but that he definitely needs a new gimmick. “Instead of looking like Kevin Nash, how about you look like Kevin Nash with shorter hair and bad tights?” Test gives the audience “incredulous”, but no-sells the angle because he gets to bang Stacy. He’s becoming more like Coach Nash already!

Justin Credible v. “Dave” Bautista “Davidson”

The crowd is confused because

A. They don’t know who the Hell “Dave” Bautista is


B. They don’t know who the Hell Justin Credible is.

As it stands, Justin Credible tries to call on the power of the Kliq, but Shawn Michaels is more interested in finding HHH, HHH is dead, and Test has yet to complete his transformation to Kevin Nash with shorter hair and bad tights. So Justin gets squashed.


The Ghost of HHH floats out for an interview because he’s finally ready to take up the rest of the show. He says that he’s sick of Shawn Michaels looking for him, and that Shawn can dance on out here. Justin Credible comes back out and complains that HHH didn’t help him against “Dave” Bautista. HHH takes over the body of Justin Credible, figuring (correctly) that nobody will miss it. Booker T runs out because he’s distressed at the lack of wrestling on this show. Then Chris Jericho comes out because he’s pretty sure that HE’S supposed to be feuding with Booker. Then Kane comes out, because what this segment needs is more Kane. Nobody is really sure what the hell is going on, so everyone leaves the ring.


The Hurricane v. Test (w/ Stacy Kiebler)

Hurricane is excited that he’s getting pushed, especially after the segment with HHH last week, but then weeps when he sees he’s fighting Kevin Nash with Shorter Hair and Bad Tights. Test gets the pin and then get’s off his new catch phrase “YOU KNOW, I love Testicles!” Just like Kevin Nash! Test tears his quad leaving the ring.


Chris Jericho has a music video, it’s about him when he was champion. Remember that?

Ric Flair is applying another dose of Rogaine and Steroids so that HHH can feel more at home in Justin Credible’s body. Chris Jericho asks HHH if he’s seen his new video, but HHH says that no, he doesn’t pay attention to cruiserweights. Shawn Michaels dances by the power of the Gospel in the background.


Rob Van Dam v. Christian

Christian is confused because his music says that he’s on his own, but he’s one half of the tag team champions. Rob Van Dam capitalizes on this and pins Christian. Christian is sad because Chris Jericho wasn’t there to back him up.


Chris Nowinski comes out to apologize for missing his cue earlier, but then realizes that he’s in Boston which is by Harvard! So then he asks the crowd if they remember when he was on the Harvard football team. Nobody in the audience knew that Harvard HAD a football team. Al Snow comes out to tell Chris that Harvard’s football team had been cut, but Maven runs in and breaks up the segment.

Kane and Goldust share necrophilia tips. Remember to make sure the funeral parlor isn’t haunted! Both agree that Kane had it easier because his father owned the funeral parlor. Booker T comes in and says “dawg”.

Booker T. and Kane v. Chris Jericho and HHH

Justin Credible’s body is blown up and bloated. Just like HHH! Nothing of note really happens because all these guys would rather be on Smackdown. Shawn Michaels comes out and Super Kicks everybody, then dances as I’m sure Jesus would have done in the same situation. Booker T. gets the pin on HHH, which is obviously due to the latent jobbing tendencies that come from inhabiting Justin Credible’s body.

Shawn Michaels tells the people at home that he’s going to dance his way into the elimination chamber, but everybody thought the show was over and stopped paying attention. Sadly, he doesn’t really dance.

Next Week: How will HHH shake off this new “jobbing” thing that has infected the body of Justin Credible? Will Shawn Michaels still be dancing after he gets traded to Smackdown for Stephanie’s Breasts? Can the City of Cincinnati sue the WWE for not fielding a competitive show?
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#2 Posted on 5.11.02 0604.26
Reposted on: 5.11.09 0608.04
Another funny column, Excalibur.
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#3 Posted on 5.11.02 1313.23
Reposted on: 5.11.09 1326.55
LOL, that would be 100x more entertaining than what we got (which wasn't too bad).

Parts Unknown
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#4 Posted on 5.11.02 1652.20
Reposted on: 5.11.09 1659.02
Also next week: Will Test no-sell his quad injury by eating chips on his couch and return just in time for the Royal Rumble?

Good stuff, Excalibur. Keep up the continuity! I want to know what happens with this quad injury!
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#5 Posted on 5.11.02 1734.10
Reposted on: 5.11.09 1738.37

    Originally posted by Parts Unknown
    Also next week: Will Test no-sell his quad injury by eating chips on his couch and return just in time for the Royal Rumble?

    Good stuff, Excalibur. Keep up the continuity! I want to know what happens with this quad injury!

One thing is for sure and that's that I pay more attention to continuity than TEN WWE writers.

Thanks for the compliments all around. See you here next week!
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#6 Posted on 6.11.02 1322.44
Reposted on: 6.11.09 1322.55
I knew there was a valid reason for HHH jobbing. Thanks for clearing that up Excalibur.
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