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The 7 - Guest Columns - Heat [11/03/02, #223]
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#1 Posted on 3.11.02 2219.24
Reposted on: 3.11.09 2222.26

TV PG LV Entertainment Open fireworks yelling me not bothering to proofread this 

Three Minute Warning (w/Rico) vs ??? and ??? - This could be the first time these two got chyron. The other two don't. Coach lets us know Jamal and Rosie's song (without the Eric sound bit this time) is done by "2 Skinnee J's" (thanks Feely). Your hosts are Lita and Coach and they're hyped about the Elimination Chamber. Our theme of the night is Lita might know something about that match but ain't telling. We still don't know if HBK has accepted. We still don't know who Jamal and Rosie are fighting, but the fans do know Rico Sucks. Jamal gets limited offense on him, but kips up to hit a double clothesline. Crowd is loud and the announcers are somewhat buried. Rico gets his kicks. Coach reminds us that Big Show beat up all of these guys - well, that's something. Whoever it is in the blue tights probably shouldn't have waited for Jamal to turn around to try the top rope move on him, as Jamal's Samoan Drop seems to confirm. Coach grasps for Blue Tights' name right then but I don't think he knows it either. Oh Rosie pulled him up. Maybe they said and I missed it because of the ANNOYING LOUD FAKE CROWD NOISE. They turned the heat machine up to "Riot". Jamal top rope splash but Rosie covers one two three. (2:53) Rico gives us "three!" because you know there's three of them. Slow motion of the phat splash. 

Coming up later (last) D'Lo vs Steven. 

Up next, hilarious skits from RAW!

Lugz Trunk Door Opening Of Two Weeks Ago 

I lied. Wow, they really did bad work dubbing in the laughs. I mean, it's uproarious laughter that dies in seconds. I spent this time looking for ??? and ???'s names, but no one had them - maybe Fink never announced them? I though it was just buried underneath the desk conversation. Hey, is this another one of those times with the writer speaking through his characters? It sure is cheap when that happens. They must've cut this down from the five hours it felt like on Monday. This was much better when it was Ivory using the banned piledriver on the Chyna stand-up. This is just giving me time to read E.C.'s Byte This recap - I guess we did have more than one possible skinny black guy to be in that clown suit after all. And that would confirm that all the guys I couldn't figure out were dark match people. (7:20) Oh goody, the casket match is gonna be a whole 'nother segment. 

Geryhound double Stratusfaction of Two Weeks ago.

Backstage, Victoria - fiddles with a garbage can? Huh. Lillian Garcia is here to figure this out for me. "Excuse me, Victoria, what are you doing?" "Let me ask you something, Lillian - have you ever been hurt by someone you thought was your friend?" "Well, sure, but haven't we all." "No! Not like how Trish hurt me. Because of Trish Stratus, I had to sleep [caresses a broom] late at night just to make rent. [throws it down] And because of Trish Stratus, I had to haul garbage, in the snow, just to buy grocers. These are experiences I'll never forget, experiences all caused by Trish Stratus. So, for Survivor Series, I have a challenge for Trish Stratus - a challenge she'll never forget - for the Women's championship, ha, in a Hardcore Match. So, do you think the little princess is up for that brutality? Ha, I hope so, because I'm gonna show her the true feeling of PAIN. [makes Lillian flinch]." Isn't she going to be disappointed when she finds out there's no more Hardcore matches on RAW. So Trish forced Victoria to become a ho? No? oh.

Elsewhere, Steven Richards watches this on a monitor (I guess) - then turns to find Raven entering the locker room. "Hey, Raven, c'mon, you and I go way back, this masterpiece of yours - will you please tell me? Tell me, at least tell me." Raven puts an arm around Steven's shoulder. "Look - no. Stevie, you can find out just along with everyone else, next week, just what my masterpiece is. Besides, if I were you, I'd be a little more concerned with your match with D'Lo Brown." Raven leaves, Steven sits down and turns to an empty chair - "and they say I'm whacko." 

Justin Credible vs Mark Jindrak - Justin gives Fink a dismissive wave for no particular reason. Lita reminds when she fought Miss Jackie in a Hardcore Title match. Lockup, Justin with a wristlock, takedown, slapping the back of Mark's head. Justin ells for him to come on, then backs off when Mark does decide to bring it on. Circle, lockup no Justin with a knee. Right, corner whip, reversed, Justin kips up but no one's home. Jindrak with the waistlock takedown and the slaps to the back of the head this time. Dropkick, dropkick, kip up scares Justin into the corner. Justin pulls himself up, charges, right into the armdrag into the armbar. Coach reveals that - back in the day - he used to call moves wrong! ("Kick up" instead of "kip up".) Back to their feet, and Justin rights out of it. Chop. Chop. Jindrak turns it around - right, right, right, corner whip, Jindrak charges in with a cross body. Jindrak lands on the apron, Justin eye pokes him there - turnbuckle smash is blocked and Jindrak hits his. Slingshot sunset flip but Justin grabs the ropes, Doan notices and doesn't count. Coach: "Jack Doan, always on top of it! Wait, I didn't mean it like that..." Justin with a right, stomp, stomp, turnbuckle smash, kick to the midsection, chop, right. Justin backs up to the opposite corner, yells ("that's just incredible"), runs - the corner sliding dropkick to the head actually hits! That may be the first time ever he didn't get crotched on that. Snap mare, chinlock. Coach, while talking about the Stephanie/Eric kiss: "Stephanie's hot, and Eric isn't - but I he's our boss, so I guess I gotta say he is." Lita compares it to the typical "these people hate each other so much they fall in love with each other" lame plot, but in other words and not calling it lame. Jindrak elbows out, but Justin throws him down by the hair. When Doan complains, Justin makes a weird motion with his finger. Stomp. Turnbuckle smash. Jab. Jab. waving him in for the big right hand knocking him down. Justin Credible vs Lennox Lewis! Oh Mark's coming back with rights of his own. Whip, dropkick no Justin has the ropes. One two NO he doesn't get the win off a missed dropkick. CHINlock. Mark elbows out again, but Justin gets him with an eye rake. Coach on Lita's info: "Yea, I know you got Joey Numbers on speed dial." Front facelock by Justin - suplex is blocked, suplex is blocked, Jindrak's try is not. Both men down. Justin with a right but it's oddly blocked - Mark with a right, right, slam. Dropkick. Corner whip, Jindrak charges into a boot. Justin charges out into the tilt-a-whirl slam. Whip, head down to soon, Justin hits a forearm to the back. Lita hits the Justin catchphrase as Mark manages to reverse to an inverted atomic drop. Mark going up quick - top rope clothesline with a twist one two three. (5:12) See, he has HOPS. We're gonna have him do five dropkicks a match till you agree.

Coming up much later, D'Lo vs Steven. Next, "all the highlights and lowlights" on Tough Enough.

"I love you, I hate you, I can't live with out you" - "Always" is the official theme song of Survivor Series, as chosen by the WWE Irony Department.

Tough Enough 3 Highlights. Lita LIED - Lisa got skipped. (2:38) Wow, Coach says nearly the same exact "Lisa couldn't handle it, physically or mentally" line as Loyd did - you don't think they had that one written out for them to specifically say, do you? Naaaaah. New episode this Thursday - like every other Thursday, but we're short one match this week so we need to kill time to point this out.

Still to come tonight, D'Lo vs Steven, but we have to deal with that casket match first.

"For every minute spent in the ring, the average superstar trains for 1000 minutes. Nice warm-up." blah blah blah 

Lita and Coach ignore that and set up the casket match. You just might see this video package start the show on Monday - because they did the red tint and music. They typically don't bother to try if it's just for Heat. Word to people in future casket matches: always check for a fake bottom. How Shawn could have possibly known there'd be a casket match and a fake bottom (in a casket Triple H brought) - well, that's an amount of planning you've got to give him credit for. (2:12) Who's in front in this graphic? You know.

Next - D'Lo vs Steven. They're not lying, because thy don't have that kind of time.

Scott Steiner Promo - I guess I must've missed this yesterday. I can't wait to see the disgustingly artificial muscles and the about to burst veins again! 

Steven Richards vs D'Lo Brown - Coach becomes the first announcer to realize what a moron they sound like when they yell "I got your hookup!" D'Lo forgets to say hi to Coach, but Coach says it's because he's so focused on his match. Lita makes fun of him. Next week - Raven's masterpiece will be revealed! Did Steven just mock the Shaky Shaky? Ooooh. There are lines that sane men don't cross! Circle, lockup, D'Lo into the corner, Steven feigns the break but gets in a right. Now Chad Patten gets back in before D'Lo can retaliate. Steven is proud of himself. Lockup, Steven forced into the corner, break - no, D'Lo's gonna punch. Talk about the trade. Free idea for the WWE to steal: You know how you haven't named the guys RAW's getting for Show (because you haven't figured it out)? Just play it up as a conditional trade - Big Show's been an enigma, performance wise, and so you can't be sure what he's really worth, since you don't know if you're getting Monster Big Show or Stupid Goof Big Show. So the trade said that if Show "made a huge impact" (read: won the title), Bischoff gets higher quality talent than if Show didn't turn out to be anything of importance. Not only did you buy yourself time to reveal who it'll be, but you've got a stronger build to the WWE Title match (Brock's fighting against Show and Eric's forces, still also miffed about his jumping). Oh yes, the match. Armdrag, slam by D'Lo. Steven misses a clothesline, D'Lo with a waistlock, Steven to the ropes, D'Lo pulls him back in a reverse rollup one two no. Armdrag into an armbar. Steven with a forearm, whip, head down too soon so D'Lo hits a swinging neckbreaker. D'Lo quickly up to the second rope - hitman second rope elbow drop. Corner whip, D'Lo chargers, backdropped to the apron (D'Lo has trouble with footing), and Steven elbows him all the way to the floor. Apparently, we're not supposed to take HBK's appearance on RAW (or his inclusion in the graphic) as confirmation of his agreement to appear at Survivor Series - tune into RAW to find out if he says Yes. Steven throws D'Lo in - elbow drop to the back of the neck, and again. Kneelift, knee lift. Front facelock, hand raise and yell (Lita does it along with him, which causes Coach to remark that someone's had too much coffee - "and isn't not Steven Richards") suplex one two NO. Lita: "Someday he's gonna get the one two three from that - I can feel it!" Slam. Shaky shaky legdrop MISSES. D'Lo with an atomic drop, and then an inverted atomic drop. Coach forgets to call this the Classic Comeback so there I did. Bulldog clothesline, one two NO. Whip, head down too soon and Steven kicks it - clothesline to finish. Maybe that wasn't the comeback. Steven throws down his left elbow pad, then grabs his elbow, hmm. Leg choke over the middle ropes. Forearm to the back of the neck now. Back suplex. One two no. Chinlock. Coach: "I got a FAX earlier today, and apparently - Test's Testicles will be in Boston tomorrow, as well. He's got a huge throng of Testicles coming to the show tomorrow night." "They ARE growing, in fact. That's what Stacy told me - Women's Locker Room talk." Is D'Lo fighting out yet? Elbows. Whip, reversed, D'Lo back with an inside cradle one two no D'Lo kinda can't hold on. Lita is talking about the dawgs in the D'Lo Nation from the animal shelter now - it doesn't make much sense to me, but she's playing dawgs and dogs. Anyway, D'Lo misses a clothesline, Steven hits a forearm and hooks in the full nelson. Crowd rallying D'Lo, up to his feet, back elbow, back elbow, drops to his feet to kangaroo kick Steven away. Steven up at him first whip, D'Lo back with a flying forearm. I bet this is the Classic Comeback. What the heck is Coach talking about - I think he was discussing the Playboy channel. Both men down - Steven up at 8 - right blocked, D'Lo's isn't. Repeat. Steven misses, and D'Lo hits a right. Right. Whip, baackdrop. Whip, reversed, slam (kinda), D'Lo goes behind (kinda), slam, Shaky Shaky Legdrop. Coach sounds like he just soiled his pants - one two no. Rights by D'Lo. My tape goes out here for a few seconds (it's that kind of week) but I don't remember anything in particular happening except Steven somehow ending up into the opposite corner, than we pick up with Steven running right into the D'Lo jumping side kick. D'Lo going out - he's not going for the Lo Down, is he? Darn you Steven for crotching him. Steven with a chop, chop, then going up to join D'Lo - front facelock, top rope? Yell - but D'Lo reverses, sky high Ski High! One two three. (7:50-ish) Wow, that was long. Watch RAW.

Hey, why was Raven here anyway?

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#2 Posted on 4.11.02 0628.54
Reposted on: 4.11.09 0629.01
Another very good recap, Cubs.
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#3 Posted on 4.11.02 1424.30
Reposted on: 4.11.09 1428.11
Cubs you're the man. And also you're welcome.
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