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The 7 - Guest Columns - Ross Report translation for 10/25/02!
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Parts Unknown
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#1 Posted on 29.10.02 1941.42
Reposted on: 29.10.09 1944.08
You may not have been expecting it, but sorry it’s late...greetings from under the buzzing fluorescent bulbs of my office and the adjustable blaze orange hunting cap as I write one of the first columns for the new folder (while on the clock)! This is Parts Unknown’s Ross Report Translation for 10/25/02 and here are some fresh cryptic messages for you!

Ross sez: We are happy to announce the signing of Scott Steiner to a long-term contract. We began negotiating with Scott and his representatives on Oct. 17 and he signed his contract Tuesday night, Oct 22. Contrary to erroneous Internet reports that we have been negotiating with Scott and/or his representatives for quite some time, the facts are this opportunity came along last week and, as I mentioned, we finalized it with Scott's signature on Tuesday of this week. Anyone reporting that this timeline is inaccurate on this one, for the record. Even though Scott has signed with WWE, there is no indication at this time if he will be a RAW or SmackDown! talent and I am not sure when that decision will be made. I am sure that both Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon would love to have Steiner on their respective shows. "Big Poppa Pump" has the potential to be a main-event star in the WWE if he can avoid injuries. Doctors indicate that Scotty, a Bay City, Mich., native, is in great shape and he will eventually work TVs, PPVs, and a significant number of house show dates. He has no start date as we speak, but I can tell that we are all excited about this former University of Michigan wrestler and veteran pro joining WWE and look forward to his debut. He is a big-time player who we are depending on to help us in main event level situations.

He means: We realize the main event scene is in dire straights, so we ponied-up and signed Meshhead Mushmouth (TM CRZ - RIP). We realize his potential and heard the pop from the fans when his name was mentioned on Raw, so we are not going to subject him to the usual “ex-WCW guy pays his dues” stuff. He’s going straight to the main event and we hope he can draw back some of the WCW fanbase because we really need an ace-in-the-hole right now. Let’s hope this works.

Ross sez: I liked No Mercy and felt like our fans got their money’s worth Sunday night in Little Rock. Lots of very solid action throughout the event, however, the Angle/Benoit vs. Edge/Rey Mysterio tag match and the Hell in a Cell bloodbath featuring the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar were particularly outstanding. I felt like all the matches told their respective stories and that everyone on the card worked very hard. A great team effort by all, especially our TV crew and talent, to produce a very solid show. Kevin Dunn's television staff make a positive impact on every broadcast we do and always seem to go above and beyond on PPVs and rightfully so. The video packages, especially the opening of the show, were awesome.

He means: I wasn’t crazy about the PPV but thankfully there were two outstanding matches to carry the show. There was lots of “very solid action” (which really means it was run-of-the-mill rasslin’) but we are really glad to have Angle, Benoit, Edge and Rey Mysterio on the roster right now. It seems in any combination, these guys can hold it all together and they are making Smackdown! really shine.

Ross sez: RAW from Nashville was quite the interesting evening (so says the master of the understatement). Obviously, tons of debate and discussion about the skit Triple H appeared in from the funeral home Monday night. A piece of satire, designed for cable TV; unfortunately, not viewed as funny or entertaining by some who have expressed themselves very passionately. I expect more controversial days are ahead for RAW as it seems that lately we have been providing some non-traditional approaches and presentations to our business whose primary forum, however, is still inside the ropes the last time I looked. We feel we need to be diverse and unpredictable in our television presentation and when we go to places – like last week on RAW – that our genre has not gone before, some folks become very uncomfortable. I will be the first to admit that some of our content is even a little edgy for me from time to time. I am not in one of our primary target demographics any longer of 18-34, but I can also tell you that the times we are presently experiencing are some of the most interesting and unique that I, professionally, have ever been a part of. Every day presents another adventure for many of us, which is a non-stop adrenaline rush. Plus, I think our company does, for the most part, some very entertaining TV. Obviously, I'm not very unbiased, mind you, because this company does pay the grocery bill at the Ross' Ponderosa and for the kids’ college education. However, I am honest when I say that I am looking forward to being LIVE again Monday night from Detroit to see where this journey continues to take us.

He means: I can understand why many of you were outraged by the Katie Vick/HHH segment on Raw and to be honest, I don’t like the new direction. I am paid to be a shill for this company and try to act as a buffer between the company and the Net fans in my weekly columns, but there is really no way I can gloss over this one. We’re hoping something good will come from segments like this but I wish we could just be a wrestling show. Hopefully the writers will see the light and realize why Smackdown! is superior in every way to Raw: it contains the right mix of sports and entertainment. Bear with us while we are in this transition. It HAS to get better. Really.

Ross sez: SmackDown! featured the introduction of the Big Show to the UPN program Thursday night with the 500-pounder setting his sights on WWE Champion Brock Lesnar. I've often wondered if Lesnar could F5 Show, and maybe someday we will get to find out. I'm liking the Angle-Benoit action as it just seems to always be extraordinary. Next week's broadcast, taped Tuesday in Grand Rapids, will have a Halloween theme as it airs on Halloween night, Oct. 31. I remember years ago when WCW had Halloween Havoc from Chicago on PPV and we had a costume theme. The Honorable James E. Cornette, who dressed, not surprisingly, as a Confederate Army officer, was less then thrilled to have to wear a costume. This from the undefeated prince of polyester who carried a tennis racket! James E.'s costume was pretty much destroyed in the melee of the match, much to the delight of the Kentucky Colonel. My broadcast partner, Paul Heyman, known then as Paul E. Dangerously, dressed as a vampire. He looked like a young Michael Keaton acting in a horror flick. Yours truly dressed as a gangster (no jokes please). We were coming to the Chicago home of Al Capone and I actually kept that blue, double-breasted pinstripe suit until just a few years ago when I donated it to the Salvation Army. I think I had only worn it a few times so, hopefully, someone got some use out of it. I am sure that Michael Cole and Tazz will follow in the tradition of announcers making fools of themselves, ah, I mean, doing anything for the good of the show, and will don some pretty creative costumes. This coming from a guy who wears a black cowboy hat every Monday night. Go figure.

He means: As you can see, I’m on a permanent nostalgia kick. Never have I looked more fondly on the old days when the gimmicks were fun, the wrestling was riveting and shows were SHOWS. Smackdown! is bringing some of that tradition to the table and hopefully we can bring the old vibe, the old excitement back to TV and PPV in time.

(Miscellaneous OVW shilling)

Ross sez: Don't forget to check out Bradshaw's WWE.com updates he will contribute while he is basically touring the world for the company. His wife Cindy is traveling with him which doesn't necessarily mean the big Texan won't sample all the local beer that he can. She is no doubt a good-hearted woman married to a good-timing man, as Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings sang many times.

He means: We are begging you to care about Bradshaw. Please read his crappy column so our site will have more hits. YES BRADSHAW IS GOOD HE IS

(Miscellaneous appearance and cookbook shilling)

Ross sez: I like Test's new ring attire and am curious to see where his apparent "relationship" with Stacy Keibler takes him.

He means: Horseface is getting a makeover whether he likes it or not. Maybe we’ll finally be able to justify his annual push. If only we could inject him with a needleful of charisma he might have more “testicles.”

(Comments on other superstars, no detectable hidden messages)

Ross sez: Our injury situation is beginning to look better. By the end of the year, we should have Jazz, Sean O'Haire, Mark Henry, Kanyon, Maven and Rhyno back in the ring. Of course, this is all based on their attending physicians releasing them with no restrictions indicating that they are physically 100 percent. Under the right circumstances, all these talents can be significant players for WWE and each of them certainly deserve some good fortune.

He means: Just hold on. When these people are back in the ring, we may finally have a compelling midcard. Maybe the Raw injury curse will finally wear off and we can build some much-needed momentum. Having these wrestlers back will certainly help.

(More shilling of superstars and BBQ sauce)

Closing: Don't forget to smile more and to always count your blessings. I hope to see you Monday Night on RAW from Detroit! Check us out. If you don't like what you see you can do what we all do when the need arises.

Parting shot: Look on the bright side - it can always get worse! By the way - hey Net fans! GO PISS UP A ROPE. We know you hate the show, you whiny crybabies and if you don't like it TURN IT OFF (no! wait I mean) KEEP WATCHING because we promise it will get better!

Translation provided by Parts Unknown
constantly25@hotmail.com

(edited by Parts Unknown on 29.10.02 1943)
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redsoxnation
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#2 Posted on 29.10.02 2115.31
Reposted on: 29.10.09 2116.31
re:fans popping for Scott Steiner's name on RAW so he won't have to pay his dues like other former WCW stars. Only problem with that is the last time they pushed a former WCW star because the fans popped for his name, we got Bagwell in the worst main event match in RAW history. Oh well, at least with Steiner around, we know that if Sid shows up again, he can get seriously injured for the third time in his career.
cranlsn
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#3 Posted on 30.10.02 0016.31
Reposted on: 30.10.09 0029.02

    Originally posted by Parts Unknown[quotemid

    He means: We realize the main event scene is in dire straights, so we ponied-up and signed Meshhead Mushmouth (TM CRZ - RIP). We realize his potential and heard the pop from the fans when his name was mentioned on Raw, so we are not going to subject him to the usual “ex-WCW guy pays his dues” stuff. He’s going straight to the main event and we hope he can draw back some of the WCW fanbase because we really need an ace-in-the-hole right now. Let’s hope this works.




Excellent job once again, but in re: to the above, I had my own translation/addition.

"We're putting him straight to the top so we can hopefully get at least 2 good PPV's out of him before he suffers the inevitable crippling injury, ala Kevin Nash."
DJ FrostyFreeze
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#4 Posted on 30.10.02 0931.39
Reposted on: 30.10.09 0931.46
I still dont have any confidence that they'll actually put a WCW guy in the main event right away and *keep him there*.

Then again, it IS Scott Steiner. Maybe he'll get the real star treatment.

Then AGAIN, I'm pretty sure I said the same thing when Booker T showed up.
redsoxnation
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#5 Posted on 30.10.02 1013.27
Reposted on: 30.10.09 1016.00

    Originally posted by DJ FrostyFreeze
    I still dont have any confidence that they'll actually put a WCW guy in the main event right away and *keep him there*.

    Then again, it IS Scott Steiner. Maybe he'll get the real star treatment.

    Then AGAIN, I'm pretty sure I said the same thing when Booker T showed up.





Steiner is a good main event idea for the current WWF/E. I mean, how many guys have defended a world title in a main event on Nitro or RAW and had the quarter hour rating be below 2. Scott Steiner, the man who will lead RAW into the sub 2 ratings.
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