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The 7 - Guest Columns - RAW Satire Register and log in to post!
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#1 Posted on 29.10.02 0107.45
Reposted on: 29.10.09 0120.41
Given that these need a new venue now, I guess I'll start posting them here. Comments are welcome.

The show opens with a shot of a casket. Will the Undertaker be traded to RAW tonight?

(Opening Credits)

Triple Zombie is back to no sell his death at the hands (bumper?) of Kane’s car last week. He says that Kane should’ve finished what he started because HHH is a Zombie now, and instead of throwing Katie Vick’s brains at the camera, he’s going to eat them. Then he gropes a mannequin, which is really how EVERY RAW should start. Then he starts SHOOTING~! on you (yes, you) for posting to this message board about him. He’s taking it personally, and he’s going to hold down YOUR favorite wrestler!

Hurricane comes out, which is really pretty foolish, because Ric Flair isn’t there and HHH doesn’t sell for cruiserweights. Thankfully, Hurricane doesn’t try his luck this week, and instead introduces a video montage…

It seems that HHHuricane wasn’t turned into a zombie by last week’s escapades at all, but instead was lucky enough to be wearing Bret Hart’s Steel Plate of No Selling. Unfortunately, though, the aftermath of one of his weekly romps with Stephanie were caught on tape, and it wasn’t pretty. How they ever got that dinette set out of there, I’ll never know. But wait! It’s just a clever gag put together by Kane and his little buddy The Hurricane. Oh, those crazy kidz.

HHH is, of course, scandalized by this. Nobody should be able to trick the cerebral assassin. So he pedigrees “Katie Vick” but the wig comes off and it’s actually Scott Vick in disguise! Oh no! HHH has been had! Vick says that he may have been a “Sick Boy” but that he’d never stoop so low as to groping a mannequin on national TV. The IWC takes that as a shout out and starts a “Reform the Flock” petition.

Kane comes out, because what this segment needs is some sweet Kane love. But Kane is stopped by RAW GM Eric Bischoff who decides that somebody (and this angle) will die tonight!


Tommy Dreamer/Rob Van Dam v. William Regal/Lance Storm

Storm is consoled by Regal who tells him that new tights doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not getting pushed. Tommy Dreamer wears a hat to show how Extreme people wrestle. Just ask Jeff Hardy. Only Jeff would tell you that it’s Xtreme. Something that’s not (e)Xtreme? This match. Storm and Regal take advantage of RVD’s tedious set up for one of his spots and hit Dreamer with a flag for the win. RVD poses anyway. It doesn’t matter as JR and Jerry Lawler spent the whole match talking about the shocking swerve in the previous segment.

Eric Bischoff fumes with Rico, Jamal, and Rosie. Then he tells them that if they don’t run in on at least one match tonight, they all will need to get hair cuts, new tights, and be sent to OVW to lose weight. Jamal and Rosie put down their chicken wings and cry.


We’re backstage as Stacy Kieber and Test are going over some new gimmicks for him now that he isn’t being pushed. Test says that he doesn’t like that Stacy drew a picture of a horsey next to all his ideas. Stacy says “That’s it!” And runs off.

Bubba and Spike are attacked by Chris Jericho’s Entrance pyro. Jamal, Rosie, and Rico finish off Spike. But not Bubba! He’s Bubba Tough!


A WWE Bautista: The Anthology ad.

Test w/ Stacy Kieber v. Goldust

Before the match Stacy prompts Test to make the announcement that his new gimmick is “Mr. Beastiality” Andrew Martin. You and I both know that that’s a take off of NWA’s Mr. Wrestling! Anyway, with a gimmick like that on RAW he can’t not be pushed, so he wins.

Eric Bischoff’s Tea Party is interrupted by Bubba Dudley who is pissed off that he didn’t get to have a match tonight, and he’s deeply concerned at the lack of wrestling on this show. Eric Bischoff agrees to let Bubba have a tag match with a partner of his choosing. Bubba searches deep into the recesses of his mind. Knowing that Kane already has a match, RVD already wrestled, Bradshaw is hurt and Big Show is on Smackdown, Bubba cries because the only mystery partner left on RAW is him. Don’t cry Bubba. There is another!


Scott Steiner: Grabbin’ ass and eatin’ glass. Take that to your mother and smoke it! And if you don’t wanna chew on that, then Holla if you hear him! Coming soon to the WWE~!

Previously on WWE RAW: Shawn Michaels danced around. Oh, wait, here’s Randy Orton to say hi. Hi, Randy!

Jonathan Coachman takes time off from tutoring Lita to tell Kane that his match with HHH is non-title. Kane asks if this means he can win then and Coach says “Yes”. Kane says, “Score!”


Chris Jericho/Christian v. Bubba Ray Dudley/Jeff Hardy

Jeff Hardy? JEFF HARDY!?!?! Ooooo! What a coup for Bubba Ray Dudley! Jeff blows a spot, but then Rosie and Jamal run down and blow spots too so Jeff won’t feel bad.


Chris Jericho pins Jeff Hardy after a Lionsault. Was it worth the wait? I say…No.

Coach is standing by with HHH. HHH is confused because the last match didn’t involve him in some way. To make up for it, he makes Coach dance. HHH mentions Shawn Michael's miracle faith healing and how he’s not scared because Shawn is looking pretty trim, and he doesn’t sell for cruiserweights. Ric Flair calls and tells HHH that he won’t be at RAW because the women in Detroit love Space Mountain. HHH ponders when Disney opened a theme park in Michigan during these…


Christopher Nowinski v. Some Guy

This was a tense technical match-up, with neither side bending. Suddenly Al Snow runs in and hit’s Nowinski’s pawn with the ironing board from Monopoly! Oh! Al should be the heel! Nowinski tells Al that HE should be cut.

Eric Bischoff is out to chew up some more time. He says that Scott Steiner is coming to the WWE. The crowd is, like, who? Because they didn’t watch WCW, except for Goldberg and the nWo. Wait! Steiner was IN the nWo, so they know who he is. Yeah. Never mind. Then he says that he got a bunch of great talent from Smackdown, but he traded it all to NWA-TNA for a Ladder Match and Scott Hall’s ex-baby sitter. Then he takes credit for all the camera’s backstage, setting up a PPV match with him and Kevin Dunn. Then he tells us what he meant last week by the Elimination Chamber. It will be part Royal Rumble, part Survivor Series, part War Games…Did He just say War Games?!?!~~~~~~~ OMG~~! I’m Marking OUT!!!!~ The crowd goes apathetic, because none of them know what War Games is. Booker T. comes out to explain what War Games was, but then Al Snow asks him if he’ll teach Chris Nowinksi the meaning of “Check Mate”. Booker says “Suckaaaaaaaa”. Al tells us in a confessional that he thinks that Booker has what it takes to be a superstar.


Booker T v. Christopher Nowinski

During the match, Al notices that Christopher isn’t giving it his all, and runs into the ring to yell at him, causing Booker T to lose by disqualification. Booker is like, “Whatever y’all”, and does the spinnerooni.


Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly v. Jacqueline

Who cares? Oh…um…Trish…with…uh…a…pin.

Triple H v. Kane

This is a casket match, in which the stipulations read that the winner can bury and rape the carcass of the loser, and then will be able to declare themselves “Winner of the Week” on their official message board. HHH no sells, but so does Kane! What a contest! Things are going well for HHH, late in the match, until he notices a little wind-up crank on the side of the coffin. Curiosity gets the better of him, and HHH winds the crank only to have Shawn Michaels pop out. Shawn Michaels superkicks everybody and then dances for the love of Jesus. Kane gets up first and rolls HHH into the casket. Then Mick Foley comes out to a cheap pop, in order to declare this angle unfit for his next book when he slips off the roof scaffolding and crushes the coffin, killing HHH instantly. Shawn Michaels dances on HHH’s corpse with passion for his Savior! Kane walks back up the ramp, not sure if he should be happy or sad that the stipulations of the match weren’t entirely upheld. Then he lights some stuff on fire, which makes him happy again.

Next Week: How will Triple Zombie get out of this one? On what will Shawn Michaels dance with the power of the Spirit next? OMG WAR GAMES!~~~~! ?

(edited by Excalibur05 on 29.10.02 0115)
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#2 Posted on 29.10.02 0633.25
Reposted on: 29.10.09 0635.32
Another hilarious column, Excalibur.
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