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The 7 - Recap Feedback - Year in Quotes 2001: AUGUST 2001 RAWs
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Andouille
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Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

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#1 Posted on 11.1.02 0939.31
Reposted on: 11.1.09 1043.47
AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, A SEVEN WORD REVIEW OF THE SEASON PREMIERE OF "MANHUNT:" Eh. HEY was that American Gladiator ZAP?
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Q: How can you tell the WWF stock price is at a 52-week low? A: Costs cut by using Kane's entrance in lieu of show opening pyro.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

I will NEVER get tired of people hitting van Dam in mid pose.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Earlier Today, the all-seeing cameras of the WWF caught up with Booker T at Paramount Pictures...in person to audition for a movie. The woman with the forms busts out "It doesn't MATTER what your name is" and they've already lost me.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Oops, somebody missed their cue, as we come back to a silent arena - see, the CROWD thought that was *hilarious* too - look at 'em holding their sides! They're BUSTING GUTS LAUGHING, I TELL YA!
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Oh man, even better - STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT has been married to Drowning Pool for a brand new prolonged agony-- I mean entrance.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Paul Heyman proclaims "Sinner" the "hottest album today." And if you can't trust a fat, bald, white dude who lives with his parents to tell you what's cool, who CAN you trust?
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

“As a matter of fact, there is only one word that accurately describes my brother (Shane). Shane is a GLADIATOR! Shane is a gladiator in every sense of the word - it doesn't matter what the odds...Shane McMahon always comes out on top! Shane--" And here's the Y2J countdown, about five minutes too late. I wonder what Mike Awesome thinks of that Gladiator stuff? If Shane were to star in a movie, would it be a gladiator movie? Does Shane like gladiator movies? How many more questions can I sneak in before CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO starts speaking? One more? Yes.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Here come TWO GUYS IN PLANET OF THE APES COSTUMES to Kamala's old theme (insert your own racist accusations about Kamala and apes here).
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

I'm sure that this shot of Stephanie covered in pie is supposed to be reminiscient of THE EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY since everybody's all IN LUV with Stephanie and all, and it'll probably go over big with the 14's and 15's, but me - I could have done without this entire bit.
I mean, for crying out loud, they spent ELEVEN MINUTES building to...a pie take. Wow, think of the possibilities of the EXCITING WRESTLING MATCHES this sets up! Stephanie vs. an ape! It could very well *headline Unforgiven!*
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Stacy comes out to something that sounds like the theme to every Bowflex commercial you've ever been subjected to. Man, them's some UGLY shoes to wrestling in.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Now, NOTHING can be served by me actually attempting to CALL this match, but here we go.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Ivory in the ring....high tens all around! WOW SHE CAME BACK JUST IN TIME FOR THE SHOCKING SWERVE!! Ivory joins the Alliance - for some reason, my mind instantly flashes back to Brian Adams joining the NWO. THAT kind of IMPACT. Of course, people we haven't seen in ages suddenly reappearing, only to "turn" mere seconds later reminds me more of some OTHER booker.....gosh, who WAS that guy...
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Wow, this first forty minutes has been a real buzzkiller. It's like a glimpse through the window into the world of wrestling where everything SUCKS.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Strangely enough, the official for this match is Charles Robinson, despite the fact that there's no Alliance folks in this match that I'm aware of, and only the WWF belt is on the line. So Robinson would be there because..........yeah. It's just that kind of NIGHT, folks.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Tajiri tries to get the fans to applaud the athleticism...and almost succeeds!
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

[Booker T auditioning for a movie role sketch]
I wonder if this is how New Jack's auditions usually went. "You could play Denzel's FRIEND!"
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Since Nick Patrick is the ref, and since I'm in a generally protesting type of mood, I see no need to call this action until the inevitable screwjob, but I WILL note that Storm's dropkick almost lands ABOVE Christian's head so he definitely needs to watch that.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Austin has yet another new piece of music...I guess we'll just change it weekly so as to keep the fans from having to be conflicted about reacting to it in a positive way.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Ross wonders why White doesn't disqualify him - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Austin is booked to win this match, that's why.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

I think Paul referred to this bit [brawling through the crowd] as "an ECW specialty" like this is a GOOD thing.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! Alert the media: Shane actually jobs! (8:49)
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

T trying to help up Shane...hmm, Hebner just whispered "kick the Rock some more" to him, I think, since now he's back to stomping on the Rock until the War Zone credits are up - WWF logo and we're out.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

Remember, for the love of God - PLEASE - let the bodies hit the floor.
RAW IS WAR 6.8.2001

I was a lot more gung-ho about this show back in May for some reason. Maybe I slipped out of the demographic or somethin'.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

“Oh, ah, before I get on with these three guys, I know you got the Austin 3:16 shirt on, but you ain't even had a stupid match yet! I seen you in the back, carryin' guys' water and coffee. 'Can I get you a water? Can I get you a coffee? Can I get you a protein bar?' Can I get you to grow a damn backbone and be somebody?" Dreamer hangs his head in shame. Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

They leave Tazz in the ring as they get set to leave...and we raise a glass, having kissed another 21 minutes goodbye.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

How come that guy's playing "Flashdance...What a Feeling" to that runner now instead of "Eye of the Tiger?" Say, that reminds me - have I told you about Irene Cara trying to SUE me?
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

Storm eats a superkick, Credible gets a gutshot and Buzzkill (or, as Ross says, "What a DDT!" - because there's no better way to show you CARE than to LEARN THE NAME OF THE FINISHER) and secures the 1, 2, 3. (2:31)
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

"Theme from a Lowering Cage" plays...
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

Palumbo has bladed? Those be some mean soupbones, ah suppose. Either that or Taker's pissed Palumbo didn't say "hi" to him earlier in the day and IT'Z A SHOOT, MAAAAAAAAAAAN
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

Stephanie is wearing a flower patten in camoflauge colours - which is strange, but camoflauge is usually used to make things DISAPPEAR, if you catch my drift.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

We take a split-screen with BEFORE and AFTER helpfully labelling the sides to let us know we're supposed to be staring at her rack, then comparing and contrasting. A lot of people will look at this and say TOLD YOU TOLD YOU but damn, *that's what they WANT you to think.* Come on. It's a *wardrobe* thing, not a *surgery* thing. Anyway, that aside isn't gonna match the storyline, so I should just stop now.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

At THIS point, we take the unlikely turn of NAPPY T's music starting up...and the Champ walks right by Jericho, into the ring. Hopefully he's out to put a stop to all this crappy sports entertainment I'm being forced to endure...but I doubt it.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

That's it, I'm outta here. "Meep meep." Everything from here on in is keyed in under protest.
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

SummerSlam ad in the local slot suggests we could still hit up TicketMaster if we wanted to see SummerSlam live at the Compaq Center - so, come on. "Sold out" is A LIE
Here's a look at the Allstate Arena marquee - it too says "SOLD OUT" but now I just can't *believe* anymore
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

Meanwhile, Jack Doan has shown up as Jeff Hardy hits the swantonbomb on van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Charles Robinson is a little taken aback. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new ROB VAN DAM ACTUALLY JOBBED HOLY SHIT (3:26)
RAW IS WAR 13.8.2001

TONIGHT: From the HOME OF THE KINGS, Sara challenges Diamond Dallas Page - yes, Sara - stick around, it'll get uglier!
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, AN EIGHTEEN WORD REVIEW OF "TNN'S ROBOT WARS: EXTREME WARRIORS" - It should come as no surprise to *anyone* that this series is *vastly* inferior to "Robot Wars UK."
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

UP NEXT: The Rock! We promise! Don't let all this wrestling make you turn the channel before you miss THE ROCK!
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Out walks THE ROCK - I notice there's no stage set up this week. That's usually the international sign of "somebody drives a large vehicle into the arena tonight" so we'll keep one eye open.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

T's music plays and ... yeah, your spider sense was tingling correctly....it's A MIDGET, complete with Book-esque hairstyle and "puff" flame pyro. Ross laughs to let us know it's all good clean fun, folks.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Actually, take that hair off of him and he'd be a DEAD RINGER for Stevie Ray - no foolin'! Only, about 1/3 height compared to the genuine froot booty merchant.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

A.P.A. & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY & THA 1 BILLY GUNN & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ & CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE & HUGH MORRUS & TOMMY DREAMER - Man, throw in eight or nine crazy-ass submission holds and slap masks on all of 'em and you've got a preview of the next AAA pay-per-view.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

The chase is on - inside the ring - oops, Jericho doesn't notice Test laying in wait and the Wotsitolla Boot LANDS - and lands BIG-TIME. 1, 2, 3. Give one back to the Alliance. (2:33) Replay of the final moments. Tune in Thursday when Jericho starts talking to a MOP!
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

MICK FOLEY is inside. He says HE never kicked out of the Stone Cold Stunner, so to see Angle do it three times - well, it was pretty inspirational. (Or pretty business exposing, he may have wanted to add, but didn't.)
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Austin Causing Mayhem and Carnage - when do they give him the motorcycle with his picture on it? Will Austin kiss Heyman? Will leaflets fall from the ceiling? Will Rick Rude come back from the dead? Will I realise I'm mixing up my continuity?
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Oh boy, this'll be a treat. Still, the shot of all the men of the Alliance arm-in-arm, waving their arms - very Promise Keepers - very, very amusing.
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Here comes Shawn Stasiak - Angle steps aside and rams him into the front of the truck. (Guy in crowd: "You suck, Meat!")
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

Man, I hope Lilian Garcia made it out before that started - well, actually, I don't care either way. Hee hee!
RAW IS WAR 20.8.2001

LAST THURSDAY: Austin screwed Jericho! Call your mom!
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

So if Rock didn't mention Jeff Jarrett as a bad champion, is that a good sign for him coming back? Not at all? Oh.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

TAKER (on his beautiful Something Python Bike) v. AALIYAAAAAAAAAAHLBERT (with X-Pactor) - Kane has been "hospitalized with an infected elbow," says Ross, and won't be around tonight. This is a DREAM match - those of us "in the know" of "backstage happenings" know that Taker has made known his "respect" for "Albert," which adds some "subtext" to this "match." In other words, an awful lot of "smarks" think Taker should "job," and "pass the torch," which says a lot about them right there BY THE WAY, and what more perfect opportunity to lay down for three seconds than right here? Me, I hope Taker FLATTENS this behemoth, 'cause the American Badass is UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME. Okay, soapbox away, it's time to put that play-by-play cap back on and demonstrate once again why I'm the best in the business...at dragging out paragraphs to ungodly, unreadable lengths, hiding the jokes so you can't POSSIBLY find 'em.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

X-Pac has his cruiserweight title belt - belt to the back - Taker calmly turns around and KO's 'Pac with a soupbone (Ha! Right now, swarms of smarks are STAMPEDING to the message boards in an effort to get the bonus points for being FIRST to say "Man, Taker even no sold a BELT shot! WAAAAAH WAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH") but Taker turns around and gets the full force of a scissors kick from Albert.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Helms jumps up on the table behind him and strikes the pose. "Stand back! There's a Hurricane...comin' through!" In the interests of full disclosure, I have to reveal that I'm probably not in that fine demographic of "people who are as obsessed about comix as they are about wrestling," and thus the fact that I'm not terribly impressed with this angle should come as no surprise. (You got a better idea for Helms?) Well, they could always have brought back 3 Count... (Great. I'll be over here, puking my guts out. No WONDER you like the Undertaker so much.)
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. HURACAN HELMS - Heyman dubs Lita "Hopalong," which I may steal later. Helms' music now begins "Stand back! There's a Hurricane coming through!" which is as good a catchphrase as any, I suppose. YIKES! Helms dons the cape and paints a mask on his face - Heyman sings the "Captain Chaos" riff, which may not exactly be a sign of approval - if one were to read into such things, which I may or may not be. Anybody with a cape is all right by me, though - Tinieblas Jr. springing immediately to mind - so consider this an official WAFFLE on the Helms project.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Michael King Cole tries to catch up with Kurt Angle, who appears in hot pursuit. "Kurt, I just want to know your feelings on your tag team opponents here tonight!" "Well, you're about to find out. Raven! AHHHHHHH" and he jumps him - OH NO RIGHT INTO THE KLANGY POLES - they simply *must* be more careful about leaving klangy poles about in the backstage area!
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Moments Ago, last paragraph - oh good, they replayed the ENTIRE sequence. KLANG KLANG KLANG
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Heyman starts in with "The Alliance wishes to congratulate our newest member Test" and that makes me wonder why he'd dis Ivory like that. Maybe he doesn't like women?
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Rock is like Will to Power....fading away.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Back to Shawn and Stacy as we learn Stasiak's diabolical plan - since Kurt Angle has made a pre-match tradition of having eight ounces of milk before every match, and since he hasn't found that milk yet, he's here in the catering area with the ol' "bucket on the door" trick prepared. Stasiak says the bucket is filled with sour, rancid milk "with extra chunks." All that's missing is the comical blueprint and box with the ACME label.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

At the oilcans 'n' cyclone fence set, Booker T is pacing about while Michael Cole...checks out his goodies? EEK!
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

[Jericho and Steph] are starting to remind me of Howie Long and Teri Hatcher for some reason.
Or maybe Verne Troyer and Michael Jordan - both of these guys could completely disappear and I wouldn't miss 'em AT ALL - well, okay, maybe I'm being too harsh on Troyer.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001

Heyman starts rattling off a bunch of names ("Did Terry Funk ever hold the WCW title five times? No! Did Jack Brisco hold the WCW title five times? No! Did Dusty Rhodes hold the WCW title five times? No!") and AGAIN, Jeff Jarrett is RIGHT THERE but nobody's gonna say his name. I sure do miss that ol' blinking hat.
RAW IS WAR 27.8.2001




HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes city, family STICKERED to death!
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