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21.10.07 1911
The 7 - One Question... - Funniest Joke?
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DrDirt
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#41 Posted on 10.1.07 1235.45
Reposted on: 10.1.14 1235.46
What do you call a drummer with one stick?

A conductor.

We once thought this hilarious.
Von Maestro
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#42 Posted on 10.1.07 1301.24
Reposted on: 10.1.14 1302.16
Three guys are sitting in a sauna.

Out of no where a beeping starts. The guys look around & one of the guys presses his hip, looks at his wrist & excuses himself.

When he returns, the 2 guys ask what that was. The guy explains that he had a beeper inserted into his body cause he kept forgetting his at home.

A couple minutes later a phone starts ringing. One of the other guy puts his hand to his ear & begins a conversation. When he's finished he catches the other two's glances & explains he had a cell phone wired to his hand & he no longer had to carry a phone.

The third guy suddenly excuses himself & returns 5 minutes later with toilet paper sticking out of his ass.

They ask him "Dude, do you realize you have toilet paper stuck in your ass?"

He responds "That's not toilet paper, I'm getting a fax".
Reverend J Shaft
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#43 Posted on 10.1.07 1340.01
Reposted on: 10.1.14 1340.09
    Originally posted by R-Dub
    My new favorite:

    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

    All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

    However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that
    in front of the other kids.



Hah. I was about to say that that is one of those jokes you can tailor-make to any team and then I realized that I've never heard it refer to any other team but the Lions. And then I wept.
Hogan's My Dad
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#44 Posted on 13.1.07 1937.36
Reposted on: 13.1.14 1938.12
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

Eliphino. Heh.

There was once this armless dude who was looking for a job. He looked through the paper and found that the local church was looking for help. So, thinking that God would provide him with a job, he showed up at the church, knocking on the door with his head. The Pastor opened the door and when he heard the armless man was there for the job, looked sad and told him it was for a bell-ringer up in the tower, and there was no way an armless person could do it. The armless man pleaded for just a chance, so the Pastor shrugged and brought him up into the tower. The armless guy climbed under the bell and began bashing his head into it repeatedly and sure enough, rang the bell. The Pastor smiled and was happy to give him the job. The next day after mass, however, the armless man got too cocky, ran and miscalculated and flew off the bell-tower and landed SPLAT on the church steps. Everyone was horrified and one lady asked who this unfortunate person was. The Pastor sighed. "I don't know his name...But his face sure rings a bell."

Oh and I made this one up, as far as I know...

What do you call Albert Eistein beating off?

A stroke of genius. Ahem.
Peter The Hegemon
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#45 Posted on 14.1.07 1738.09
Reposted on: 14.1.14 1738.53
    Originally posted by Hogan's My Dad
    What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?

    Eliphino. Heh.

    There was once this armless dude who was looking for a job. He looked through the paper and found that the local church was looking for help. So, thinking that God would provide him with a job, he showed up at the church, knocking on the door with his head. The Pastor opened the door and when he heard the armless man was there for the job, looked sad and told him it was for a bell-ringer up in the tower, and there was no way an armless person could do it. The armless man pleaded for just a chance, so the Pastor shrugged and brought him up into the tower. The armless guy climbed under the bell and began bashing his head into it repeatedly and sure enough, rang the bell. The Pastor smiled and was happy to give him the job. The next day after mass, however, the armless man got too cocky, ran and miscalculated and flew off the bell-tower and landed SPLAT on the church steps. Everyone was horrified and one lady asked who this unfortunate person was. The Pastor sighed. "I don't know his name...But his face sure rings a bell."




Of course, a week later, another armless person shows up at the same church. He explains that the late bell-ringer was his brother; now, he is determined to take over his job. The pastor initially balks, but sees how determined the man is and relents. The new armless guy runs up to the bell and rings it with his head. Inevitably, he repeats his sibling's fate, miscalculating a jump and plunging to the street below. Once again a horrified crowd gathers, and once again someone asks who the armless man is. The pastor replies, "I don't know...but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Brian P. Dermody
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#46 Posted on 15.1.07 1059.28
Reposted on: 15.1.14 1100.36
A fellow moves into a new town, takes a new job. He goes out to his backyard and there's his new neighbor. Neighbor introduces himself, asks what our guy will be doing in town.

"Oh, I'm a professor of deductive reasoning."

Well, the fellow next door's never heard of such a thing, and asks just what that is. Professor takes a long pull on his beer and says he'll give him an example. Fair enough.

"I'm looking in your backyard and I see a dog house. From that, I can deduce that you have a dog. Am I right?"
"Sure."
"See, and from all the tennis balls and whatnot, I can deduce that your dog is a retriever type dog."
The neighbor nods.

"Now I don't see a gun rack on the back of your car, so you probably aren't a hunter, are you?"
Three for three.
"But if you have a retriever and you don't hunt, you probably keep the dog as a companion, maybe give the kids someone to play with."
Neighbor agrees again.
"So if you have kids, you probably have a wife too."
Neighbor nods again.
"So from that, I can deduce that you're straight, am I right?"
Neighbor keeps nodding. "You figured all that out off a doghouse? Pretty impressive, partner.", and he heads back into his house.

Next day, this same neighbor goes into work and is making small talk with the guy at the next cubicle. Says he's got a new neighbor teaching out at the college. Co-worker says, "What does he teach?", and the neighbor explains he's a professor of deductive reasoning.

Co-worker has never heard of such a thing, and the neighbor says he'll give him an example.

"Let me ask you, do you have a doghouse in your backyard?"
"No."
"Homo."
Oliver
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#47 Posted on 18.1.07 1409.38
Reposted on: 18.1.14 1410.24
Here's a good, non-offensive one that you may like:

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life, I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives. From cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy"?

The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy and those little "Meals on Wheels" you have been sending over are delicious!"
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