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Liverwurst
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|  #1 Posted on 5.1.06 0946.39
Reposted on: 5.1.13 0947.03 | I don't know why this one always stuck in my head and gave me a laugh...
A mom asked her good-natured son to go to the store and get a ham for dinner. He did, and when he returned, he told her, "Here is your Dam Ham, Mom."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY???" she asked.
"That's just the name of the brand, Mom."
When supper was ready, the mom said to the dad, "Dear, put the Dam Ham on the table."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY???" he asked.
"That's just the name of the brand, honey."
During supper, the dad asked his other (not-so-good-natured) son to pass the ham.
"Son, can you please pass me the Dam Ham?"
"That's talkin' pops, now can you pass them f*ckin potatoes?"
| Promote this thread! |             | R-Dub
Mettwurst
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| #2 Posted on 5.1.06 1232.15
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1235.36 | A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper say "Really? You have a drink name Frank?"
I know, it's really lame. But somehow, that joke always cracks me up. | Ukrainian Justice
Linguica
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| #3 Posted on 5.1.06 1343.12
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1343.26 | It's a toss-up!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. | Oliver
Scrapple
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|  #4 Posted on 5.1.06 1516.12
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1516.43 | | Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think they'd have seen it beforehand. | SchippeWreck
Boudin blanc
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| #5 Posted on 5.1.06 1525.43
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1528.44 | Originally posted by Oliver
Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think they'd have seen it beforehand.
My fave is a modified version of that one.
Three guys walk into a bar.
Don't you think the third one would have ducked?
Runner-up:
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Potato. | Stilton
Frankfurter
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| #6 Posted on 5.1.06 1529.17
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1531.44 | According to a scientific study, it's....
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Links:
http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/
I'm not sure what my own personal vote would be. | Deacon Jim
Chipolata
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| #7 Posted on 5.1.06 1533.49
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1534.21 |
As silly as this one is, it always makes me giggle.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick. | rinberg
Boudin rouge
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| #8 Posted on 5.1.06 1602.32
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1606.22 | This joke requires pre-planning and cohorts. Everybody, except your target, should know what is happening and laugh at the end of the joke.
Tell this joke:
"What's the difference between an apple and an orange?"
(wait for it)
"A shirt, because a vest has no sleeves!"
When everyone else starts laughing, the mark laughs in spite of the fact that it's not funny. The look on their face is what *really* makes it funny. Then they become part of the group when you do it to the next guy. | cranlsn
Liverwurst
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| #9 Posted on 5.1.06 1608.21
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1612.42 | Three blondes are walking in the woods when they come upon some tracks.
1st Blonde: Hmmm...those are deer tracks!
2nd Blonde: No, silly those are elk tracks.
3rd Blonde: No, no, no...let me look....
Then the train hit them... | OlFuzzyBastard
Knackwurst
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| #10 Posted on 5.1.06 1630.35
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1635.15 | What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
If you don't laugh, you're a communist. | Bullitt
Shot in the dark
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| #11 Posted on 5.1.06 1934.39
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1935.42 | A young polar bear comes home from school one day...true story.
The young polar bear says to his Mom "Mom, am I a real polar bear?"
His Mom says "Of course you're a real polar bear; that's a stupid question. Go to your room."
The next day the young polar bear comes home and goes up to his Dad. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you're a real polar bear," his Dad answers. "That's a stupid question...go to your room."
This goes on for days, weeks, months...every day he'd come home "Am I a real polar bear? Were your parents polar bears? Am I really a polar bear? Are you sure I'm a pure-bred polar bear?"
His parents finally have enough and sit him down.
"Son," his Mom says, "we're getting concerned. Every day you're asking us if you're a real polar bear. Why do you keep asking this?"
"Cause I'm fucking freezing." | cfgb
Lap cheong
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| #12 Posted on 5.1.06 1951.54
Reposted on: 5.1.13 1952.05 | Q: What do you get with a baby in the microwave?
A: An erection. | Kevintripod
Andouille
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| #13 Posted on 5.1.06 2224.57
Reposted on: 5.1.13 2227.11 | (Compliments of Monty Python)
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell ?
Awful. | dMp
Banger
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|  #14 Posted on 6.1.06 0659.04
Reposted on: 6.1.13 0659.05 | Originally posted by Kevintripod
(Compliments of Monty Python)
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell ?
Awful.
If we go that route,
Read at your own risk...
Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
|
In general I am not much of a simple joke fan.
Rants or one liners by standup comedians or in tv/movie I love however. | Kevintripod
Andouille
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| #15 Posted on 6.1.06 0937.37
Reposted on: 6.1.13 0942.17 | Originally posted by dMp
Originally posted by Kevintripod
(Compliments of Monty Python)
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell ?
Awful.
If we go that route,
Read at your own risk...
Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. |
LOL
At running the risk of endangering everyones lives on this messageboard, any idea what that translates into ? I was always curious what that "killer" joke was.
(edited by CRZ on 6.1.06 0951) | Bizzle Izzle
Bockwurst
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| #16 Posted on 6.1.06 1005.31
Reposted on: 6.1.13 1005.35 |
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out klingons | rinberg
Boudin rouge
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| #17 Posted on 6.1.06 1047.09
Reposted on: 6.1.13 1047.41 | Originally posted by Kevintripod
Originally posted by dMp
Originally posted by Kevintripod
(Compliments of Monty Python)
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell ?
Awful.
If we go that route,
Read at your own risk...
Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. |
LOL
At running the risk of endangering everyones lives on this messageboard, any idea what that translates into ? I was always curious what that "killer" joke was.
(edited by CRZ on 6.1.06 0951)
For those who don't understand, the explanation (and the answer to the translation question) is here. | britishiles
Head cheese
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| #18 Posted on 6.1.06 1221.10
Reposted on: 6.1.13 1221.25 | A 5 year old kid walks into the bathroom at home and sees his dad putting on a condom.
"Whatcha doing dad?" says the boy
The dad trying to think fast on his feet says "I am going to go catch a mouse."
The kid says "When you catch him, are you gonna f*ck him?"
I laugh everytime I hear that joke and even snickered while I was typing it.
Here is two more...
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You wanna go ride bikes?
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?!?
(edited by britishiles on 6.1.06 1223) | Matt Tracker
Scrapple
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| #19 Posted on 6.1.06 1240.12
Reposted on: 6.1.13 1240.43 | Guy walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee."
The doc says, "well, maybe you're just too tense." | waffleking
Pickled pork
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| #20 Posted on 6.1.06 1551.31
Reposted on: 6.1.13 1551.40 | A man walks into a bar, takes a seat at the barstool, and orders a beer. He proceeds to take a turtle and a frog out of his pockets and places them on the bar. The turtle rocks back and forth while the frog sings a beautiful love song.
Everyone in the bar is amazed, and the man next to him offers him a hundred dollars for the frog. He accepts and the man leaves with his new frog. The bartender asks the man, "Why did you sell that frog? You could have made a fortune off of it!"
The man takes a sip of his beer and says, "The turtle is a ventriloquist." |
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